whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 you are the closest to feeling of what I should do, what I WANT to do.... Can I ask what's stopping you from doing this? Is it that you're afraid of hurting her? Or her opinion of you changes because you're finally taking a stand to her crap on a stick offered to you? Or is it a fear that once you take this step it means it really is finally over and there's no going back, the door is shut and locked forever?
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 You watched her do it to her husband for 4 years! NJ has a good point. And, she married him, had kids with him, so why think she is going to do 'right' by you when she can't even do that for her own husband?
Author stampdaddy Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Can I ask what's stopping you from doing this? Is it that you're afraid of hurting her? Or her opinion of you changes because you're finally taking a stand to her crap on a stick offered to you? Or is it a fear that once you take this step it means it really is finally over and there's no going back, the door is shut and locked forever? Probably, yes of course... I put myself, my WHOLE self into our relationship, so it is gonna take me a minute or two to swallow this.. I am a good man, and I do not want to hurt her, but YES, everybodies arguement is gonna be, "Look at what she has done to YOU".. I feel better today, a little hungover, but better in my heart
Woggle Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 This situation is pretty much over so all you can do is move on but my advice for next time is not to look for a woman that needs a knight but a woman that wants a partner. We all make mistakes so don't feel too bad about getting yourself involved with her.
Author stampdaddy Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 This situation is pretty much over so all you can do is move on but my advice for next time is not to look for a woman that needs a knight but a woman that wants a partner. We all make mistakes so don't feel too bad about getting yourself involved with her. yeah, I "thought" I was her partner.. well I was, but F*** her
Woggle Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 yeah, I "thought" I was her partner.. well I was, but F*** her You never were and F*** her is the right attitude to have.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 yeah, I "thought" I was her partner.. well I was, but F*** her Yes, you were HER partner, but sadly, she wasn't yours. It may have felt that way, and yes, she lived out a fantasy with you, a double life in a sense -but she already made a committment to someone else, had a family with built with someone else...So, no, she wasn't really 'yours'...I know your heart hasn't allowed you to really 'see' this, but that is the reality. She selfishly enjoyed two men, two different lives and lied to you both.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Probably, yes of course... I put myself, my WHOLE self into our relationship, so it is gonna take me a minute or two to swallow this.. I am a good man, and I do not want to hurt her, but YES, everybodies arguement is gonna be, "Look at what she has done to YOU".. I feel better today, a little hungover, but better in my heart Advil and water!! I know you don't want it to end malciously or badly, but if you don't stand up to her and be harsh/forceful - She will continue to play you like a fiddle. There's no easy or nice way, it just has to happen for your sake. Doesn't matter what we all say, the choice at the end of the day is yours in a sense of how you end it with her and go no contact forever. Shut the door and throw away the key..
Author stampdaddy Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Advil and water!! I know you don't want it to end malciously or badly, but if you don't stand up to her and be harsh/forceful - She will continue to play you like a fiddle. There's no easy or nice way, it just has to happen for your sake. Doesn't matter what we all say, the choice at the end of the day is yours in a sense of how you end it with her and go no contact forever. Shut the door and throw away the key.. I just don't understand how someone could be like this.. I read "other peoples" threads and label the MM/MW as a "scumbag", but of course do not see her like that... but lately, I am starting to wonder.. WHO IS SHE??
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 She IS a scumbag!! Not a malcious one, but a SELFISH one. Ofcourse you can't 'see' her as that because your feelings for her won't allow you to. Love is blind, right?
Author stampdaddy Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 She IS a scumbag!! Not a malcious one, but a SELFISH one. Ofcourse you can't 'see' her as that because your feelings for her won't allow you to. Love is blind, right? I guess it is... I can't blame ME, I did give my all, I did have HOPE, I did give TRUST, I did BELIEVE that it would "all work ut". I NEVER saw the "script" that so many refer to, and quite frankly, I always thought I was better than the "script", that it was'nt US.. But!!!!! It is exactly US.. a F***ing script right out of the G** Damned "Affair Handbook"... Just a hard pill to swallow, and I am sick and flippin tired of it, sick and tired of it ALL..... This isnt LOVE
GreenEyedLady Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Stamp, You need to look at it this way: How many R's do most people go through before they find the person they want to marry? Most people go through more than a few...That's the script for dating...You find someone you like, you see each other, it works for awhile and then one or both of you decide you don't want to spend the rest of your lives together...So you move on and date to try and find the "one"... An A is just a more entangled type of dating...There's only so many outcomes that can even happen...That's why it's like a script...It's very similar to single dating, just a more complicated form...It seems like your story is similar to someone else's because it is...But it doesn't make it any less real... How many times have you listened to a friend dish about their love life and it's like dejavu? In an A, you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person leaving...and you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person staying...You just don't know which one it will be...The mere fact that there's a limited number of outcomes means that your story will sound like someone else's... You loved her. She hurt you. And now you must choose to move on, or stay in a position where she is controlling you: your feelings and in a way, your actions... You can move on and accept that it wasn't the right time for you. You can still love her and leave her behind. Because you have to take care of you. She may never realize how selfish she is and how much she has hurt you. But you can forgive her for it and move on. It doesn't mean that what you had with her wasn't the best thing she ever had. It just means that she's not the one for you if she hasn't figured it out by now. (((HUGS)))
HeatherK08 Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Stamp, You need to look at it this way: How many R's do most people go through before they find the person they want to marry? Most people go through more than a few...That's the script for dating...You find someone you like, you see each other, it works for awhile and then one or both of you decide you don't want to spend the rest of your lives together...So you move on and date to try and find the "one"... An A is just a more entangled type of dating...There's only so many outcomes that can even happen...That's why it's like a script...It's very similar to single dating, just a more complicated form...It seems like your story is similar to someone else's because it is...But it doesn't make it any less real... How many times have you listened to a friend dish about their love life and it's like dejavu? In an A, you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person leaving...and you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person staying...You just don't know which one it will be...The mere fact that there's a limited number of outcomes means that your story will sound like someone else's... You loved her. She hurt you. And now you must choose to move on, or stay in a position where she is controlling you: your feelings and in a way, your actions... You can move on and accept that it wasn't the right time for you. You can still love her and leave her behind. Because you have to take care of you. She may never realize how selfish she is and how much she has hurt you. But you can forgive her for it and move on. It doesn't mean that what you had with her wasn't the best thing she ever had. It just means that she's not the one for you if she hasn't figured it out by now. (((HUGS))) I'm so glad you're another one who doesn't push 'the script' - I mean of course, people in similar circumstances sound the same, especially when it comes to relationships, doesn't make it any less real or the feelings any less sincere (unless you're with a player). Some people need to find some balance when it comes to this stuff.
Author stampdaddy Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Stamp, You need to look at it this way: How many R's do most people go through before they find the person they want to marry? Most people go through more than a few...That's the script for dating...You find someone you like, you see each other, it works for awhile and then one or both of you decide you don't want to spend the rest of your lives together...So you move on and date to try and find the "one"... An A is just a more entangled type of dating...There's only so many outcomes that can even happen...That's why it's like a script...It's very similar to single dating, just a more complicated form...It seems like your story is similar to someone else's because it is...But it doesn't make it any less real... How many times have you listened to a friend dish about their love life and it's like dejavu? In an A, you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person leaving...and you have a 1 in 2 chance of the person staying...You just don't know which one it will be...The mere fact that there's a limited number of outcomes means that your story will sound like someone else's... You loved her. She hurt you. And now you must choose to move on, or stay in a position where she is controlling you: your feelings and in a way, your actions... You can move on and accept that it wasn't the right time for you. You can still love her and leave her behind. Because you have to take care of you. She may never realize how selfish she is and how much she has hurt you. But you can forgive her for it and move on. It doesn't mean that what you had with her wasn't the best thing she ever had. It just means that she's not the one for you if she hasn't figured it out by now. (((HUGS))) Thank you, Sweetie...
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Nothing personal stampdaddy but you can't relate a 4 year affair to a normal dating situation. The dynamics are very different...
johan Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Nothing personal stampdaddy but you can't relate a 4 year affair to a normal dating situation. The dynamics are very different... You make a good point, T. But you're expectations are a little high. Because you can relate the two. You can relate a 4-year affair to anything that helps deflect attention from the fact that you made a huge mistake and are trying to blame someone else for it.
Owl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Stamp, my questions for you remain the same, my friend. What's your PLAN to get out of this nightmare? What are you DOING to get out of it? What steps are you taking to make these changes PERMANENT? (so that she doesn't keep dragging you back into this over, and over) What are you doing to change your focus OFF of her and this situation, and ON to something positive? This has drug out for a long time now...and honestly, while I "hear" a decision in your first post on this thread, I don't see that you're doing anything different today than you were when she first started working on her marriage weeks ago. WHAT ARE YOU CHANGING TODAY THAT WILL MAKE IT DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE? You know I'm not bashing you, my friend. I'm simply trying to help you move in the right direction.
Author stampdaddy Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Stamp, my questions for you remain the same, my friend. What's your PLAN to get out of this nightmare? What are you DOING to get out of it? What steps are you taking to make these changes PERMANENT? (so that she doesn't keep dragging you back into this over, and over) What are you doing to change your focus OFF of her and this situation, and ON to something positive? This has drug out for a long time now...and honestly, while I "hear" a decision in your first post on this thread, I don't see that you're doing anything different today than you were when she first started working on her marriage weeks ago. WHAT ARE YOU CHANGING TODAY THAT WILL MAKE IT DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE? You know I'm not bashing you, my friend. I'm simply trying to help you move in the right direction. I know you are not bashing me.. My answer to your question remain the same: I AM TRYING... Honestly, this is the first that I have "felt" that she may be working on "salvaging" the marriage, and that I CAN NOT DEAL WITH. I always believed that she was coming, one way or another. NOW I have conceded that she isn"t... NOW I have nothing left to hold on to... NOW I have no other choice than to start to heal. I gave her EVERY second of my life to make a choice of ME
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I gave her EVERY second of my life to make a choice of ME One day you will find a woman who won't make you feel like you have to put yourself in that situation again. I hope you will find someone who will put as many seconds of their life into the relationship as you are, and you will be happier for it. In fact, you will thank the powers that be that your MW didn't take up anymore seconds of your life and that whatever love you had for her won't be preventing you from giving your heart to someone who can truly reciprocate and show you what happiness can be. Part of your heart died, and you have to mourn it just like you would the death of a person, and that is something that takes time.
Dominique Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hi StampD, I know this will sound impractical and, if I understand correctly, you have a child or two but...Is there any way you can decamp for several months, your work in tow, and relocate somewhere else for a while? Anyone else--friend or relative--in another state somewhere? Can you take a long trek through some mountains in Europe or South America(and NO phones allowed)...I have found that some distance and/or extended travel can return perspective like a dream. I think you will be in too much mental distraction remaining in your "four walls", particularly if you work at home....
Lookingforward Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Honestly, this is the first that I have "felt" that she may be working on "salvaging" the marriage. I gave her EVERY second of my life to make a choice of ME But now you know she's not even doing THAT (working on the marriage) and has chosen someone ELSE to "work on" outside the marriage. When are you going to feel so DISGUSTED with this lying lowlife that you decide YOU are worth far more than she has to offer (even if it WAS being offered to you, which it isn't). Count your blessings that she has finally set you free from thinking she's anything worth having and go find yourself someone decent who's FREE already to reciprocate your love.
Tomcat33 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) Excellent post GEL and it is exactly that. It is a more complicated version of what we all live in regular relationships. Stamp never mind those that speak from the outside looking in and pay special mind to those who have lived it and have lived out both .Your 4yr relationship was real it was based on trust which you deposited on someone that perhaps was not worthy of your trust, or MAY still be to be determined. Truth of the matter is you had based trust on someone like anyone who was also betrayed did for their spouses and then later found out THEY too did not know what they were in for. It is a chance WE ALL TAKE FOR LOVE. Don't let anyone discount your experience. Love is always a gamble and a risk and the irony is that NO one can confirm that more than a betrayed spouse. A betrayed spouse took a gamble on the safe bet and where did it get them? THE EXACT SAME PLACE OF pain and suffering as someoene who invested their heart in an A, so that just goes to prove there are no guarantees in life. Which also goes to prove karma is nonsense, what kind of Karma is a BS paying for? why do they get shafted like that? are they paying for something they did in their past? NO probably not it's love for ya, and it's a risk we ALL take. Your relationship in particular was special in that is was not a 3 month fling you knew what you knew and also now looking at it from a different angle, a more cerebral one, you ALSO know what you know. Personally I will discount people's opinions who have not been there, time and time again. If you want to tell me what sky diving feels like you had better have tried it, otherwise I can come up with my own conclusion or intepretation of what it feels like and I certainly don't need someone speculating on what it's like. I can speculate on my own rather well thank you very much. Edited March 17, 2008 by Tomcat33
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Part of your heart died, and you have to mourn it just like you would the death of a person, and that is something that takes time. LB is right. Stay strong SD.
Tomcat33 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Stamp, my questions for you remain the same, my friend. What's your PLAN to get out of this nightmare? What are you DOING to get out of it? What steps are you taking to make these changes PERMANENT? (so that she doesn't keep dragging you back into this over, and over) What are you doing to change your focus OFF of her and this situation, and ON to something positive? This has drug out for a long time now...and honestly, while I "hear" a decision in your first post on this thread, I don't see that you're doing anything different today than you were when she first started working on her marriage weeks ago. WHAT ARE YOU CHANGING TODAY THAT WILL MAKE IT DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE? You know I'm not bashing you, my friend. I'm simply trying to help you move in the right direction. OWL what you fail to see is that he IS moving in the right direction. I'm sorry but your style is totally militant I just don't think you get what it takes to get out of this, you keep asking about this plan (?!?). He has a plan he is on it, why not let him ride it out? He's not gonna just stop talking about it and come on here and claim "hey gang I'm over it let's party" it's a process and if he needs a year or 3 to journal the ups and downs so be it, he WILL get to the otherside but pressuring him to come up with some "laid out plan" which HE IS CLEARLY already on, I just don't see how that is helping him at all. And I'm sorry but it has NOT dragged out a long time he is JUST entering the letting go PROCESS he has a long way to go still of him flip flopping back and forth and soul searching. A LONG way to go.
Recommended Posts