LuCidiTy Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Ever wonder why you wonder about certain things in that brutal, immediate post-breakup phase? Everyone probably has one or more of them running through their head at any given moment or ones they get stuck on. Here are a few that are in mine and some of the bizarre and constantly changing responses I give myself, based on blood-sugar or hormone level, depth of sleep deprivation, context of thought, or heaven only knows what else... Does he miss me? (What's it matter really? or Damn I should hope so. or No he's probably too busy being relieved. or Who cares! His loss.) What's wrong with me? (Everything. or Nothing. or I'm not hot/sexy/cool/close enough.) What did I do wrong? (Everything. or Nothing. or I'm not hot/sexy/cool/close enough.) Why doesn't the person I love love me back? (I'm just unlovable. or He's not strong enough. or I'm not strong enough. or I said something I shouldn't have. or I didn't say something I should have.) What just happened here? (No clue. or Uh...you just got single again. or He's a jerk.) Is he coming back? Going to call? (Said he was and I believe him. or Nope...that was it. or Who the hell knows or cares.) They all seem so...pathetic somehow...but in another way, maybe the pattern is all a part of the healing...the talking yourself through it and looking it from all directions? What do you all think?
stlnsmile Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Well let me say I can relate. We have been broken up for three months now.......and its funny, until recently, I still thought he was gonna call......I don't care now, I really don't, in fact I don't want him to. If he does, I know what it means......and I don't want that anymore. But the first months.....I hoped, I wondered, I tried to answer the questions, all the why's?????? Now, I don't care why......I don't care why he couldn't get his act together, or why he couldn't love me, or why he left, or why he won't speak to me, or why he's acting like such a jerk now, or why he couldn't just be honest.......I don't care, its his problem. My problem is me.....to get my act together, to find myself again, to live my life for me and only me.......I don't care what goes on in his head anymore, and really its none of my business. The only thing I can change today.......is me. I don't want what I had in the past, the main reason is, anyone who could even concieve of doing what he did, is not the guy for me. Love does not do that......ever!!!!! So I guess, I'm just thinking of you now, and just want you to know, that it does get better, and yes you do just have to go through it, and cry a whole bunch, and not understand a whole bunch, and then when you get tired of that......it just becomes more important to live. No point in letting them steal your life after they already stole your soul. I have my soul back now too....at least I am starting to. I loved him, I really did.....but love is a two way street. I hope he has a great life, and that whatever he's looking for he finds. All I know now is, its not me.
dfreeman Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 (edited) Most of all, I wonder what she tells her daughter about me - my last e-mail to her (the daughter) was unanswered and it breaks my heart. I hope it was just neglect, but this whole thing could easily be taking it's toll on her finally? I wonder why she fell in love with me 5 years ago and then spent the next 5 years trying to change that person? I still wonder why two people that loved each other so much, did not work on the things that were ripping them apart? In light of all the bad in our relationship and the hard work I have put into healing the wounds afterward, I still wonder what could have been if I had dug a little deeper and loved a little more - does she ever wonder the same thing? Of course, I wonder how soon she will truly move on, start seeing someone else and forget me altogether... after all, that is what I try so hard everyday to do to her? I wonder if she regrets the whole time with me and would rather have not gone through it - I sometimes feel like this, but only when the hurt is at its worst? And the worst of the worst - I wonder if she has been with another man yet? I have no reason to believe this at this time, but I think I am just preparing myself for the pain of knowing that I have totally been replaced. When I look back at the other failed relationships in my life where the ex was not a very good person to me (as in my recent breakup), I could easily go without ever seeing the ex again. I wonder if my recent ex and I will ever feel that way about each other? Judging from the bitterness and anger surrounding our breakup, that is starting to look more like a probability. I know I will forgive her for being cruel to me at the end and love her unconditionally as a friend if we get there - will she ever forgive me for my distancing and sabotaging behavior once I sensed the break was inevitable? And, last but definitely not least, I simply wonder if this could still be fixed? I wonder if there was enough good that she could possibly see now that she has had a chance to miss me. Is there any love left in her heart for me that could make her want to bring some change to the table and could I face my friends with the news that I could possibly put myself back in harm's way with her? I spend so much time on here trying to gather strength and build my confidence, only to wake up some mornings wondering if I have been totally forgotten by someone I loved so much. I am getting stronger, but these are some of the thoughts I am fighting on a daily basis. Edited March 15, 2008 by dfreeman
Prosecco Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Oh goodness - some of those are VERY familiar. I'm going non-contact - but one of my closest friend's is still friends with him. I haven't quite managed to not ask how he is. She's doing well with the being nice but making sure I know I haven't a chance with him. It must be hard on her... as she's close to us both, and neither of us is in the wrong. But anyway, dispiritingly - he's completely fine. Which of course makes me realise how deluded I was. I want him to be hurting, regretting his decision, deciding he's missing out on a one off opportunity to be with an amazing person. But - fact is - he's not - and I'm the one left asking the same questions of myself, over and over again. Does he miss me? I even know the answer to this one: Yes - but he doesn't regret his decision. He misses me 'as a friend' - which almost hurts more than if he could just cast me aside, as somehow I could at least get angry at that. What's wrong with me? (Everything. or Nothing. or I'm not hot/sexy/cool/close enough.) That one's bang on - Except the reason for this thought swings from: What is wrong with me (that he doesn't love me / want to be with me) to What is wrong with me (that I can't just move on and stop being a stupid idiot and see it for what it was rather than what I thought it was). What did I do wrong? (Everything. or Nothing. or I'm not hot/sexy/cool/close enough.) Oh yes... that one goes from maybe if I'd been better in bed, more confident, more outgoing, more passionate to - maybe if I'd not tried to let him know how I felt... maybe if I were just someone completely different... maybe... if I just hadn't ****ed up by loving him. Why doesn't the person I love love me back? (I'm just unlovable or I said something I shouldn't have. or I didn't say something I should have.) Ouch. Yes. Those are my exact thought. Fundementally the one thing wrong for me... and I can't look beyond it being something I've done wrong or something wrong with me. Then add to that: Was/Am I mad? As I was certain he cared. We never fought, were so comfortable together... spent such good time together... He was so affectionate, proud of me. He'd chat to friends about me. He missed me. He was everything I needed to love, and it was only ended because I told him that. I almost can't believe it's over, as unless everything I saw and felt was misinterpreted... it was nothing but good. But can't have been. I'm managing to get beyond the - Will he want me back? - but that's only because I'm going into negative - no one I want will ever want me mode. So I'm surviving by destroying myself more - which isn't good. The ridiculous bit is when my ego fights back: I'm highly educated, intelligent, quite attractive, mature, witty, generous, caring, loving, kind, with prospects of a great career etc etc. I'm not jealous, not a psychopath. My 'personality' CV - for a relationship should make me out to be a great catch. So the fact that no one wants to catch me makes me wonder what it takes... and convinces me - whatever it is, I haven't got it.
City_girl Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Well let me say I can relate. We have been broken up for three months now.......and its funny, until recently, I still thought he was gonna call......I don't care now, I really don't, in fact I don't want him to. If he does, I know what it means......and I don't want that anymore. But the first months.....I hoped, I wondered, I tried to answer the questions, all the why's?????? Now, I don't care why......I don't care why he couldn't get his act together, or why he couldn't love me, or why he left, or why he won't speak to me, or why he's acting like such a jerk now, or why he couldn't just be honest.......I don't care, its his problem. My problem is me.....to get my act together, to find myself again, to live my life for me and only me.......I don't care what goes on in his head anymore, and really its none of my business. The only thing I can change today.......is me. I don't want what I had in the past, the main reason is, anyone who could even concieve of doing what he did, is not the guy for me. Love does not do that......ever!!!!! So I guess, I'm just thinking of you now, and just want you to know, that it does get better, and yes you do just have to go through it, and cry a whole bunch, and not understand a whole bunch, and then when you get tired of that......it just becomes more important to live. No point in letting them steal your life after they already stole your soul. I have my soul back now too....at least I am starting to. I loved him, I really did.....but love is a two way street. I hope he has a great life, and that whatever he's looking for he finds. All I know now is, its not me. My God, could have written this post. Only I am nowhere near not caring
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