Cj1987 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Hi everyone! I'm new here and figured I'd just jump right in with a thread about why I sought out this forum. I've just recently met this guy a little bit older then me in one of my classes at school. Surprisingly enough, I'm the one who approached him about two weeks ago (this is something I've never before attempted, let alone accomplished, but he was far too attractive to not give it a go,) and we've texted and spoken occassionally since then. He's brought up taking me out for a drink, (I'm 20, but lets assume that's besides the point) or out to dinner a few times. I've effectively avoided setting a date for such to occur, and I think I've avoided touching on going out at all. Some potentially relevant background info: I've been in two relationships, one that lasted about 6 months, the guy treated me like an absolute princess, every moment that I spent with him was a blast. I ended it because I was young(er) with a short attention span and he wanted to get more serious. My second relationship was the polar opposite. It ended over two years ago but it still haunts me on a nearly daily basis. The absence of physical abuse was this relationship's only "redeeming" quality. He stalked me after I ended it but with a bit of police intervention, he's now completely absent from my life. I had a horrible relationship, now a non-existent relationship with my father, the last time I spoke with him we got into a very physical confrontation. The few official "dates" that I've been on have been negative experiences, being uncomfortable and suffering from a complete lack of chemistry from my perspective and have left an overall bad taste in my mouth. I don't think I've lost faith in relationships and I probably owe that to my phenominal first boyfriend. I do however, have a lot of anxiety about meeting people and dating. Really unproductive thoughts (things like I'm not attractive enough, I'm not fun enough, interesting enough, what if I get all shy, what if I can't think of anything to talk about, what if this, what if that,) cross my mind constantly. I get physically ill in this gut-wrenching, nauseated kind of way the closer I get to having to see, let alone go out on a date, with someone. I guess what I'm asking of you guys is to help me figure out how to manage my anxiety and set up a first date I'm comfortable with. I don't want to go to a movie, a.k.a. the scene of all my previous bad dates, and I don't want to go out to dinner because the potential for garlic, stains, sloppy food, etc. simply doesn't appeal to me, and I clearly don't want my anxiety to control my thoughts or actions. Soooo, any advice would be greatly appreciated!! I'm certainly in need of some help here!
carhill Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 If this anxiety is paralyzing you, why not talk to your doctor? There are brain meds out there which can help. For food issues, wear dark clothes. I do this all the time This may sound stupid, but, if you like animals, why not go to the zoo on a date? Lots of walking, interesting things to see and talk about and reasonably clean food/drink items to consume. I volunteered at our local zoo as a docent just to meet women and ended up falling in love with wildlife and went on a safari in Africa Anyway, that's my advice. Oh, something else which usually works to reduce anxiety is exercise, which releases brain chemicals that calm you. Dating never fazed me when I was training. I was very relaxed, compared to the uptight nerd that I was....
xpaperxcutx Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Do you have any issues with the opposite sex? Because you might be a bit traumitized by your last relationship to even consider having a go with another guy. I think its best to see to yourself first, to actually work out your own issues of selfesteem, and build up your own confidence in regards to yourself as an attractive young lady. Remember the #1 rule in life is to learn to love yourself. I don't think you need any medication, you might just have underlying anxiety because of your self esteem issues. Try practicing any sort of meditation to relax yourself, i.e. deep breathing is always good. If you ever have doubts that pops up suddenly, try repeating certain phrases mentally to calm yourself. i.e. "I am confident", " I am beautiful". Mind over matter. Why not try having a date with lots of people around? Having a picnic at the park where you can interact with the locals- a fun and relaxing way to occupy the both of you. Pick an environment where it's relaxing and calm so you would not feel pressured.
AussieJack Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 [quote=Cj1987;1574174 I've just recently met this guy a little bit older then me in one of my classes at school. Surprisingly enough, I'm the one who approached him about two weeks ago (this is something I've never before attempted, let alone accomplished, but he was far too attractive to not give it a go,) Hey - listen to me honey. You have ALREADY done the hard part, and with a lot of courage ! You approached him. Now that does not sound like a fragile anxiety ridden wussy dame to me. You got balls, lady ! Now you want some tips for a date ? Here is the best advice - just grab your nuts and call the guy and tell him this , " HI Joe, guess what, you lucky dude, you are gonna take me out on a date.. when would be the best night for you ? How about next Saturday night. .?" Then shut up and listen ... He will stumble a bit and think and then he will say, " Yep, sounds good . What's the plan ? " You say," THat is your decision but somewhere quiet would be good. How about a nice meal and some stimulating conversation" And so on ......just do it ! Ya get it ? I am going to write that book one day ,"Dating for Dummies"
xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 I am going to write that book one day ,"Dating for Dummies" They already came out with that book
AussieJack Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 They already came out with that book Is it any good ? Maybe I will change my working title to "Dating for the Clueless".
Author Cj1987 Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Thanks all for the responses! As for all of the outdoors date suggestions, they are wonderful, but the weather is limiting for now. I wish so badly it were spring! I love the exercise and meditation/mantra ideas. I know these have worked to calm my anxiety, I just have a hell of a time remembering to keep up with them in a time of need. Papercut: My last relationship was particularly traumatizing, that's a very accurate word for it. I'm sure I have issues with the opposite sex. Absolutely. I'm utterly comfortable and at home with all of my male friends, but new people really throw me for a loop. But how long am I to wait before I "get back out there" and my self-esteem (which I'm painfully aware isn't in great condition,) comes wandering back to me? My God, it's been, lets see... it's been about 2.5 years since my last relationship ended. I feel like that's a considerable ammount of time to be, I suppose, recovering and without companionship...
xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Papercut: My last relationship was particularly traumatizing, that's a very accurate word for it. I'm sure I have issues with the opposite sex. Absolutely. I'm utterly comfortable and at home with all of my male friends, but new people really throw me for a loop. But how long am I to wait before I "get back out there" and my self-esteem (which I'm painfully aware isn't in great condition,) comes wandering back to me? My God, it's been, lets see... it's been about 2.5 years since my last relationship ended. I feel like that's a considerable ammount of time to be, I suppose, recovering and without companionship... In most cases, it's not about time, it's more about learning from the events that occurred. In your case I feel that you've only learned to shut yourself up from the events, and have not emotionally chosen to free yourself from it. Over these last 2.5 years, have you try to forget your ex and the terrible things that occurred? You might have physically left him, but mentally, you've refused to deal with the issues. IMO, the best advice that I can give you is for you to mentally ACCEPT that you've been in an abusive relationship and only then can you truly move on. Yes time does play a role in it, but it's a slow process. The reason that you're afraid to enter into another relationship is because your experience with your ex has created a barrier that left you unable to fully trust another man. It's all mental. Of course you can "get back out there", but I truly recommend that you should place alot of spare time on yourself, to deal with your self esteem issues first. One of the things I find that truly helps is to write down a list of what you hate/like about yourself. Then you take the negatives and try to think up of ways to turn them into positives. Say, if you don't like the way you look, go get a new hair cut. And buy a new wardrobe to match that hairstyle. I always think there are negatives to a person, but there are also positives that truly balances them out. Remember nobody is perfect, but we can always try to replace these imperfections with something wonderful about ourselves.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Is it any good ? Maybe I will change my working title to "Dating for the Clueless". I have not read the book so I wouldn't know. The cover was very distasteful, it was one of those "Dummy" books with the yellow and black background and the drawing of a cartoon character.
Author Cj1987 Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Papercut- Thank you for your advice and insight. I'll think I'll take up your list suggestion and of course you're correct in why I'm fearful and my issues being completely mental. However, I'm not sure I completely appreciate your assumptions that I have refused to deal with my past relationship. It's been a terrible hardship dealing with the memories, it's been a trying and lengthy process, but the last thing I've done is deny myself the truth of what I went through. And I've spent the past two and a half years on me. Spend time with yourself, figure out who you are, is more often then not the first piece of advice I offer friends who come out of relationships. With the exception of a few first dates (three, I believe), I've been happy to say no to every advance made on me. I've gone through therapy (strangely enough, behavioral therapy that focuses on Buddhist principles including meditation and acceptance), I spend quality time with myself, engage in activities I enjoy individually and with unbelievably fantastic friends. I'm getting a good education, have set short and longterm goals for myself that I am confident I will reach. In short, I agree with you that healing can be a dreadfully slow process, but I've done all the right things these past 2 and a half years and just because I'm still struggling doesn't indicate a refusal on my part to deal as properly as I possibly can with this really negative part of my history. But I truly do value your suggestions and intuition on what's going on with me and I don't mean to demean your words in any way. I realize you're trying to do nothing else but help me, you simply touched on something (very!) sensitive to me and that I feel needed correction. So please, if I come across in any way offensive to you, please accept my apology because I certainly don't mean to offend. Please, please do stay and continue to talk with me!
City_girl Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Think the only way to deal with this is to view it externally if that makes sense to you. If you look at it as a kind of stage fright, focus on the effect that the apprehensive anxiety has on you, write it down and try to pin point what the mental thoughts are that trigger the anxiety. If you have gone through CBT then you will be aware of positive self talk, use that. If you wern;t good enough then he wouldn't have said yes would he? You have to talk yourself round before you meet him, relax before the date and make sure you don't turn up with stress that might spill over. Plan the date and than every time you think of it dissacossiate, do not think of the date at all, not until the very last moment. I know how hard it is to do but this is the only way you will conquer this demon. When on the date make a mental note of how well things are going and ignore the anxiety if it comes. Make mental notes on how his body language is and try to focus on his words and ask him about his life. This makes us less self aware and self concious. He is not the only man in the world and if it dosn;t work out then you can approach as many men as you like lol. Turn it round in your mind to a social experiment. After a few dates you will get better and feel more confident. We are all a bit skrewed up so don;t even think that he will find you weird.if you are anxious or nervous
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