women give thoughts

[bejshermanoaks]

I put this in the break up forum, but thought it also belonged here?? sorry if you read already...

One night, late January, she told me that maybe she needed space and things were getting too serious for her. She thought that maybe she needed a more casual relationship between us. This truly caught me off guard for a few reasons. Only weeks earlier she had alluded to moving into my place; I didn't give her an answer back when she did. That week alone, she had asked me "why do I leave her place so quickly?" when I come over. We were at a restaurant that week as well, and I walked about ten feet ahead of her, and she seemed upset and asked "Why don't you want to walk next to me?". That week we talked more than ever on the phone, and it was great—I think we both felt closer than ever to each other because of that. Also, she asked me if I'd like to come over to her place that weekend, but I said no. All of this took place leading up to the night that she said she "needed space". I asked her what she meant by needing a less "serious" relationship. She said one in which she didn't have to drive to my place all the time, etc. We lived about 30 miles a part, and the drive wasn't always pleasant. And, she did do it all the time. She felt like she was always driving to my place, and giving a lot to the relationship; which she clearly was. Me, feeling somewhat rejected the night she asked for space, basically pushed it, and alluded to us breaking up. She clearly said she didn't want to break up, but what she was looking for was to be happier. Things got heated and I asked for my garage opener back and I left her place hurt and confused. In the coming days, I wasn't too proactive as I thought she needed space. I finally do reach out to her and she was mad I didn't call for a couple days and said to me "I didn't want that much space" and hung up the phone on me.

 

 

It then dawned on me how much she had been giving to this relationship, and how hurt she was for how little she felt I had been putting into the relationship. I had no idea, until it hit this point that she wanted more for so long, that she finally got sick of it and was backing off. Now, I'm not sure if she needed space because I was on many levels seemingly asking for it, so she backed off, or if she was simply backing off because I had been rejecting her in so many little ways all along. She truly had been compromising her lifestyle by being at my place all the time, and more in my world than her own. Bottom line ---we hadn't found the healthy balance between her personal needs and the relationship.

 

I was crazy about this girl all along. I would tell anyone that listened how I had the best girlfriend and best relationship. I was so grateful for her. However, apparently she was the only one who didn't know that. I said to her that last week, I tell everyone how amazing you are; she responded with tears and said "How come you never tell me?" This broke my heart, and still does this very moment.

 

 

 

 

Obviously communication was a big thing. She had no idea how crazy I was about her, and I had no idea that she wanted/needed more from me. Don't get me wrong, I tried everything you can think of to communicate with her after she hung up the phone with me that night. As soon as I realized I could lose her, my wall came down. I seriously felt like I woke up from a mild trance. I then realized if I could make her understand how I felt about her, we'd have the best relationship ever! I was awake. I now knew her needs, and she's starting to tell me them. I saw this as wonderful! I saw this as the start of something amazing---a breakthrough! However, she wasn't really open to any form of communication about the relationship; she simply didn't want to talk about it or that much to me. I tried to call her at work, which was a huge mistake, and she hung up on me. I then received an email saying she wanted to break up with me and the reason mostly being because of how I'd been acting since she said she needed space. I admit I didn't know how to act when she asked for space. I freaked out at the thought of losing her, which I imagine is a good thing…who would want to be with someone that wouldn't freak out at the idea of losing them? It was simply confusing to me. On one hand, I thought I should be aggressive and profess my love. On the other hand, I thought I should back off because she was asking for space. What I ultimately found was that whatever I did wasn't right. I said "why can't we find the balance. You shouldn't have to drive to my place 5 times a week?" She said, well, "that's what I wanted a few days ago, but you didn't want to. You asked for your garage clicker back." This was only a few days later, and yes I shouldn't have left her place, childishly, clicker in hand. However, here I was, days later, professing my love, willing to give her space, if that's what she needed—but she felt, that it was too late. I was willing to drive to her place if that's what she wanted. I was willing to see her as much or little as she wanted. She was not open to real communication or compromise; and obviously that was her right---I wasn't owed anything.

she texted me the day of the superbowl a bunch of times. Nothing exciting. A few days later, I called her and she called me back. I asked her to dinner and she said things like "Im not sure if I miss you or if im just lonely." I showed up at her house that night to talk, and she didnt let me in. Seemed pissed, said you should leave. She got ugly and said **** like you are pushing me away by trying to talk to me, do I have to get a restraining order? I was floored by this one!! She was mad at me for not calling, and then says that!!!

 

 

Just to cool things off, I sent a text a few days later "sorry for the drama the other night. My apologies" she wrote back "Thank you" A few days later, Valentines day, I sent her beautiful flowers and a card. She texted "thanks for the flowers". I asked if she liked them, she wrote back "yes".

 

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]A few days later, I was having some family probs, I sent her a text "had a horrible night, not sure why Im telling you, hpe you are well".[/FONT]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]she calls me the next morning. we make friendly chit chat...she says "i was worried about you". We spoke for about 45 mins, just shooting the ****...says she has to go. we dont talk about anything serious. she sends me some funny email a lil bit later that day. I text her a couple days later, asking if shed like to catch a movie--she sends me some rude email "this isnt going to work." something like that....[/FONT]

so, no contact for a few weeks, a couple nights ago I text "Id like to talk to you, if youd like to talk to me, call me"...

 

She immediately writes back "why?"

 

 

 

Thats where things are at..is there hope? People are telling me if there was no interest she would not have written anything or said "leave me alone"! I do think that if the tables were turned I'd say "why" also if sent that same email... Im half tempted just to text her "do you miss me?". Just to cut right through it and see what she says...I hope she has cooled off..its been a few days and I need to respond to her text...thoughts anyone? I dont want to say I miss you or I love you again, or Im sorry--I said that all ad nauseam last month, and it got me nowhere..Id like to engage her a little bit and maybe get a dialogue going--some communication..

 

 

 

She never communicated her needs well, is passive aggressive and required a lot of reassurance during the relationship--she was very needy..one time, we broke up for one day, and in that day she said things like "can we recover from this?" and "you gave up so quickly"...so, after one day she'd already get cold/distant and shut me down..its been over a month....how do i warm her up? is it too late? Its almost like she flipped a switch from on to off...what do i write back to her text? she was so loving and caring, and wanted to move in, and would text me and call me constantly--she was really into to me, but this is where we are at now...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help

Thanks

[kirikat]

First of all, she wasnt being passive agressive. She was scared of pushing you further away. She TOLD you her needs, and you rejected her at each turn. How could you expect her to say "I want to have a serious relationship with you" when you say "No" to "Can I come over for a weekend of sex"?

 

Now she is thinking "You dont want me for me, you only want me because I pulled back".

 

This is NOT HER FAULT. She did EVERYTHING she could have done... in fact, she did a bit more than she should have, leading you to take her totally for granted.

 

You need to earn her back, including her trust. You hurt her, a little bit, over and over and over and over again. She's scared, and I dont blame her.

 

The ONLY way through this now is with absolule honesty. First, you need to be honest with yourself. Do you really love her? Or do you just hate losing. Do you see a future with her? If you cant say "YES" - then leave it be.

 

If the answer is yes.... give her some space, a week or two at least, just to even up the power differential here.

 

Then, ask her to come to her house with dinner - or book a private room at a restaruant. Tell her you were a creep, a cad, you didnt know what you had until it was gone. Ask her forgiveness. Tell her you love her, you see a future together, you want to be with her. And then, ask her what it would take.

 

I wish I had had the dcourage she does, to kick my current witholder to the curb, and keep him that way until he cried uncle. But, I am not as strong as your woman.... lord, I wish I were!

[Ocean-Blue]

Based on what you've written, I wouldn't blame myself if I were you.

 

Some of her behaviour is familiar. I too have behaved like this in my R... I suspect she's testing you and letting her emotions get out of control. She knows that you are into her and will not leave her (I'm obviously making an assumption here)...and so she tests you.

 

Your unwillingness to discuss moving in together hurt her and so she is lashing out at you.

 

She sounds very insecure and like someone who needs constant reassurance that you love her and want her.

 

Reading what you wrote made me mentally vomit because I too have (and continue to in some ways) behave like this. However, you have been thoughtful since realizing you don't want to lose her...but she has yet to let you back in.

 

I'm not sure how long you'll be in the dog house for. But a word of advice to you: don't let her push you around. She'll only become more hysterical and manipulative (yes, I think she is being manipulative).

 

Hanging up on you, pushing you and threatening ain't cool. She is disrespecting you and essentially walking all over you because she knows she can.

 

You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to put up with. You also have to give her some time to cool off and get herself together. Eventually, you'll need to discuss her behaviour with her and get to some kind of resolution (or at least get the ball rolling).

 

Good luck to you OP. You sound like a sweet and patient guy. I hope she comes around (and I hope you continue on the path of consideration and love).

[JustCurious]

She feels she gave so much and got so little. In turn, she felt taken for granted. She asked to move in, you don’t respond. She asks you to come over and you don’t (yet she always made the effort to go see you). She simply felt you were not as serious about her, as she was you. Her saying “maybe we need space” was her way of saying exactly that. She was looking for reassurance, regardless of what she said. She was trying to convey her doubts about you (although in an indirect manner), wanted immediate action from you, and that was her attempt at it.

 

Naturally, her saying “she wants space” you interpret as “wanting space” and in turn you gave that to her. So of course you’re confused because if she just said exactly what she needed/wanted, you could have easily solved the problem and given it to her. But, as we all know - it is very different from what a woman says, to what a man hears or thinks she is saying. She gages your response to whatever she says as an indicator of your love for her (which adds to the problem because she expects you to “read between the lines” instead of verbally stating what her needs are in a clear and direct manner).

 

It is obvious she still cares for you, but she is still hurt by you. She may be thinking “too little too late”. She wanted more of an effort back then and didn’t get it, asked for it (in an indirect manner) and still didn’t get it – at least from her standpoint.

 

At this point, I would do the following:

 

-Tell her you want her in your life and will do whatever it takes to prove it to her and then let her respond.

 

-Don’t pressure her or ask her any hard pressed questions (you need to earn back her trust in you and that means she needs to feel safe with you so you must be reliable with whatever you say and whatever you do).

 

-If she reaches out to you, respond.

 

-Don’t ask her if SHE misses YOU, you should be telling her that you miss her (i.e. showing her you miss her and want her in your life).

 

-Try to stay clear of deep heated discussions about the past, try to focus on the future.

 

-Don’t say “if you’d like to talk call me”, instead say “I’d love to talk to you, are you free to talk”.

 

You kind of have to start the whole process all over again. You both have to be 100% committed to giving it another go but for now, you’re the one who has to put forth most of the leg work and that means giving HER the reassurance, not the other way around.

[sedona]

I don't think she's being manipulative. I think she's hurt and loves you and doesn't know if she can trust you. Yes, don't ask her if she misses you. Tell her that you miss her and want to make your relationship work. You have to be completely honest with her, tell her what you wrote here. Tell her that you're sorry for any pain you may have caused her and want to make things better. Don't tell her that she can call you when she wants because that just means that she has to be the one to reach out - again! You have to take the initiative. Ask her out on a date. Take her to dinner. She needs to know that she can rely on you. That you love her and want to be with her and are willing to put as much in to your relationship as she has done. Ask her what she needs from you. Listen to her. Tell her what you need too and make it work together. And if she says that she wants to work on it too, then make sure that you don't fall into the same old pattern. Don't let her come to you and call you first all the time. You have to do a lot of work. Show her and tell her how much she means to you. Just lay it on the line, honestly. Stop playing games.

 

Just my two cents worth.

[bejshermanoaks]

Kirikat-thanks for your candor. I hear your frustration in your own world and appreciate you sharing it with me; thank you. Everything you say is dead on. I know this was my fault I also hear what you are saying about the power struggle and her regaining power; great points.

 

Ocean--she is very insecure, and I dont think I helped matters with my behavior, but thanks for the support. Thanks for calling me a sweet guy. I need to hear that. She used to tell me that all the time; she often said I was the best boyfriend in the world and all that...I was stunned she threatened me with a restraining order that one night--I couldnt believe it. I truly am not that kind of person. I wouldnt hurt a fly..it seemed like a horrible over reaction. She has admitted to me that she sometimes didnt think before acting, and she can be selfish and childish(fyi, she is 23)...it seemed to me like she was projecting some past anger onto me..either way, it hurt so very bad. I at times have the patience of the saint and shes worth waiting for, but she has been mean towards me...i do sometimes think I have a tendency to tolerate too much, and quite frankly, she was way meaner those last couple weeks then Im even letting on..just cold, mean and not nice..also, she did test me often in little ways all the time just to get some reassurance. I tried my best, but sometimes work and other things would blind me to her needs; I do feel bad about this, I should have tried harder. I have my own business and its time consuming/stressful/draining and at times my focus was probably less on her..it shouldnt have been less on her. My last relationship before her, I gave that girl everything--and she walked all over me; I think I held back for that reason as well--that sucks..its a shame when we let pur past effect our present.

 

Just curious-you also make great points..the last paragraph where you are saying about the process starting over makes sense and resonated with me--I needed to hear that. Great tip.

 

Sedona--also, thanks for taking the time. I agree ; she doesnt trust me anymore.

 

UPDATE: Unfortunately I read your responses too late and texted her asking "if she ever missed me?:. She said "No i dont miss you".

I wrote back "thanks for the response"

The next day I texted her "I understand you dont want to talk to me. If you change your mind, Im here".

she immediately posted pics on myspace that day (sunday) of her at a few diff st pattys day parties with diff guys and stuff...her pics have been "private" until that day. so she uploads these pics and makes sure they arent private. Anyways, she seems to be doing alot of partying since we broke up..oddly, today her myspace page said mood: distressed and I'm tired of the partying lifestlye

later in the day it was "focused" and "I need to take better care of myself"..

so, maybe shes starting to slow down, cause shes been running from the issues since this ended. i totally feel like she has done everything t not deal with the real stuff. She went out of town twice, had a friend in town, partying endless, etc since we ended...

 

People have been telling me, that she does miss me, cause people dont write back anything if they dont miss you..people have been pointing out that she sounds like she wants to hurt me still, which means she still cares and all that..I dont know. Im all out of moves and have to sit and wait I think.

 

I do love her so much, but I have tried and tried to make this right--unfortunately for her, its a day late and a dollar short...maybe she'll come around? I do see everyones point about her missing me...I dont think Id write anything back at all OR Id write something polite back like "I do miss you, but its not gonna work" OR "I miss you, but not in that way"...her response just seemed impulsive and hard for me to believe...thoughts all? suggestions?

 

Thank you all so much for taking the time---this has been horrible for me, and your support makes me feel better...what a great site this is. I can feel the great vibes on this board when I come...thank you all and wish me luck that she comes around..best luck to you as well..

[bejshermanoaks]

Omare

I once dated a girl that cheated on me--she had proposed and I said "no", and a few months later she started cheating..I know your pain. Im sorry you are going through this. All you can do is make clear that you love her and want to be with her and then back off...

 

Good luck man