thoughts from women ! (men too)

[bejshermanoaks]

One night, late January, she told me that maybe she needed space and things were getting too serious for her. She thought that maybe she needed a more casual relationship between us. This truly caught me off guard for a few reasons. Only weeks earlier she had alluded to moving into my place; I didn't give her an answer back when she did. That week alone, she had asked me "why do I leave her place so quickly?" when I come over. We were at a restaurant that week as well, and I walked about ten feet ahead of her, and she seemed upset and asked "Why don't you want to walk next to me?". That week we talked more than ever on the phone, and it was great—I think we both felt closer than ever to each other because of that. Also, she asked me if I'd like to come over to her place that weekend, but I said no. All of this took place leading up to the night that she said she "needed space". I asked her what she meant by needing a less "serious" relationship. She said one in which she didn't have to drive to my place all the time, etc. We lived about 30 miles a part, and the drive wasn't always pleasant. And, she did do it all the time. She felt like she was always driving to my place, and giving a lot to the relationship; which she clearly was. Me, feeling somewhat rejected the night she asked for space, basically pushed it, and alluded to us breaking up. She clearly said she didn't want to break up, but what she was looking for was to be happier. Things got heated and I asked for my garage opener back and I left her place hurt and confused. In the coming days, I wasn't too proactive as I thought she needed space. I finally do reach out to her and she was mad I didn't call for a couple days and said to me "I didn't want that much space" and hung up the phone on me.

 

 

It then dawned on me how much she had been giving to this relationship, and how hurt she was for how little she felt I had been putting into the relationship. I had no idea, until it hit this point that she wanted more for so long, that she finally got sick of it and was backing off. Now, I'm not sure if she needed space because I was on many levels seemingly asking for it, so she backed off, or if she was simply backing off because I had been rejecting her in so many little ways all along. She truly had been compromising her lifestyle by being at my place all the time, and more in my world than her own. Bottom line ---we hadn't found the healthy balance between her personal needs and the relationship.

 

I was crazy about this girl all along. I would tell anyone that listened how I had the best girlfriend and best relationship. I was so grateful for her. However, apparently she was the only one who didn't know that. I said to her that last week, I tell everyone how amazing you are; she responded with tears and said "How come you never tell me?" This broke my heart, and still does this very moment.

 

 

 

 

Obviously communication was a big thing. She had no idea how crazy I was about her, and I had no idea that she wanted/needed more from me. Don't get me wrong, I tried everything you can think of to communicate with her after she hung up the phone with me that night. As soon as I realized I could lose her, my wall came down. I seriously felt like I woke up from a mild trance. I then realized if I could make her understand how I felt about her, we'd have the best relationship ever! I was awake. I now knew her needs, and she's starting to tell me them. I saw this as wonderful! I saw this as the start of something amazing---a breakthrough! However, she wasn't really open to any form of communication about the relationship; she simply didn't want to talk about it or that much to me. I tried to call her at work, which was a huge mistake, and she hung up on me. I then received an email saying she wanted to break up with me and the reason mostly being because of how I'd been acting since she said she needed space. I admit I didn't know how to act when she asked for space. I freaked out at the thought of losing her, which I imagine is a good thing…who would want to be with someone that wouldn't freak out at the idea of losing them? It was simply confusing to me. On one hand, I thought I should be aggressive and profess my love. On the other hand, I thought I should back off because she was asking for space. What I ultimately found was that whatever I did wasn't right. I said "why can't we find the balance. You shouldn't have to drive to my place 5 times a week?" She said, well, "that's what I wanted a few days ago, but you didn't want to. You asked for your garage clicker back." This was only a few days later, and yes I shouldn't have left her place, childishly, clicker in hand. However, here I was, days later, professing my love, willing to give her space, if that's what she needed—but she felt, that it was too late. I was willing to drive to her place if that's what she wanted. I was willing to see her as much or little as she wanted. She was not open to real communication or compromise; and obviously that was her right---I wasn't owed anything.

she texted me the day of the superbowl a bunch of times. Nothing exciting. A few days later, I called her and she called me back. I asked her to dinner and she said things like "Im not sure if I miss you or if im just lonely." I showed up at her house that night to talk, and she didnt let me in. Seemed pissed, said you should leave. She got ugly and said **** like you are pushing me away by trying to talk to me, do I have to get a restraining order? I was floored by this one!! She was mad at me for not calling, and then says that!!!

 

 

Just to cool things off, I sent a text a few days later "sorry for the drama the other night. My apologies" she wrote back "Thank you" A few days later, Valentines day, I sent her beautiful flowers and a card. She texted "thanks for the flowers". I asked if she liked them, she wrote back "yes".

 

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]A few days later, I was having some family probs, I sent her a text "had a horrible night, not sure why Im telling you, hpe you are well".[/FONT]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS]she calls me the next morning. we make friendly chit chat...she says "i was worried about you". We spoke for about 45 mins, just shooting the ****...says she has to go. we dont talk about anything serious. she sends me some funny email a lil bit later that day. I text her a couple days later, asking if shed like to catch a movie--she sends me some rude email "this isnt going to work." something like that....[/FONT]

so, no contact for a few weeks, a couple nights ago I text "Id like to talk to you, if youd like to talk to me, call me"...

 

She immediately writes back "why?"

 

 

 

Thats where things are at..is there hope? People are telling me if there was no interest she would not have written anything or said "leave me alone"! I do think that if the tables were turned I'd say "why" also if sent that same email... Im half tempted just to text her "do you miss me?". Just to cut right through it and see what she says...I hope she has cooled off..its been a few days and I need to respond to her text...thoughts anyone? I dont want to say I miss you or I love you again, or Im sorry--I said that all ad nauseam last month, and it got me nowhere..Id like to engage her a little bit and maybe get a dialogue going--some communication..

 

 

 

She never communicated her needs well, is passive aggressive and required a lot of reassurance during the relationship--she was very needy..one time, we broke up for one day, and in that day she said things like "can we recover from this?" and "you gave up so quickly"...so, after one day she'd already get cold/distant and shut me down..its been over a month....how do i warm her up? is it too late? Its almost like she flipped a switch from on to off...what do i write back to her text? she was so loving and caring, and wanted to move in, and would text me and call me constantly--she was really into to me, but this is where we are at now...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Help

Thanks

 

 

 

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[carhill]

I'd just leave her alone for awhile. Like maybe six months. Clarify your feelings. You can love someone and not be able to have a healthy relationship with them.

[LuCidiTy]

 

It then dawned on me how much she had been giving to this relationship, and how hurt she was for how little she felt I had been putting into the relationship. I had no idea, until it hit this point that she wanted more for so long, that she finally got sick of it and was backing off. Now, I'm not sure if she needed space because I was on many levels seemingly asking for it, so she backed off, or if she was simply backing off because I had been rejecting her in so many little ways all along. She truly had been compromising her lifestyle by being at my place all the time, and more in my world than her own. Bottom line ---we hadn't found the healthy balance between her personal needs and the relationship.

 

I was crazy about this girl all along. I would tell anyone that listened how I had the best girlfriend and best relationship. I was so grateful for her. However, apparently she was the only one who didn't know that. I said to her that last week, I tell everyone how amazing you are; she responded with tears and said "How come you never tell me?" This broke my heart, and still does this very moment.

 

Did you tell her all this? What's in the part quoted here? That would be a good start. To do it face to face...maybe after you drive the 30 miles to see her. Sounds to me like your assessment here is probably dead on and you articulating it to her after missing her might be the key you need to get the door open again?

[bejshermanoaks]

Lucidity-

shes never really given me the chance to hash out with her what really happened and express all this stuff, she just shut down and would not communicate with me...once she made her mind up, she would not talk about the relationship. The truth is, she was never real good about expressing her feelings when hurt..shed rather not talk about it..

[LuCidiTy]

Oops. Maybe I missed something in the OP...but did you try? I know...the flowers and the texts and stuff...but did you ask to meet? To have dinner? Or try driving over to her place to talk? In person? Seems like she's clearly hurt that you're not acting firmly (if that's the right word) enough...making the grand gesture to finally prove what you say is true. Like she's still hopeful but not convinced, hurt but thinking something can fix that...what that something is isn't quite clear...

[bejshermanoaks]

its hard to get her to talk--i know if she did, we'd be fine--but getting her to talk is like pulling teeth..

think baby steps with me --what do i write back to her last text of "why?"--dont want to be too aggresive and scare her off but want to be somewhat aggressive-- is "do you miss me?" good--I think ive made it clear i miss and love her...

[LuCidiTy]

its hard to get her to talk--i know if she did, we'd be fine--but getting her to talk is like pulling teeth..

think baby steps with me --what do i write back to her last text of "why?"--dont want to be too aggresive and scare her off but want to be somewhat aggressive-- is "do you miss me?" good--I think ive made it clear i miss and love her...

 

ugh

 

think grander gestures. don't text. go there and answer! (her why is self-defense it sounds like...she's guarded but she wants to know).

 

don't send flowers. deliver them.

 

if it's real, there's going to be something that convinces her eventually.

[bejshermanoaks]

when i showed up at her house last month, it was ugly--read my full post to see how ugly she got. maybe shes cooled off by then, but i dont think im welcome in person right now. I do know what u mean, and she wanted me to show up at her place while we were together , or deliver the flowers when together--but she has built strict boundaries since then, and if i get her back, its gonna be in baby steps unfortunately. what would you write back to that last text?

[LuCidiTy]

yes it was ugly. but time has passed, and she obviously is guarding her heart fiercely.

 

what i would write back, what i would want to hear if i were her, providing that it's true and you're sure it's true, is similar to what you said..."why? because i miss you and don't like being apart from you. and im sorry."

 

she might come back with, "sorry for what?" and then you could go on a bit and then say...it's hard texting can we speak...either on the phone or face to face?

[bejshermanoaks]

Lucidity

Thanks for your insight...

Yes--she seems like she is truly guarding her heart..like a wall started building up around it and its hard to chip away..I like your advice..I just wish I knew if she missed me, it would give me the confidence to try...yikes...thanks sweetheart

 

u think its a good sign she texted back? Would a woman write back if there wasnt SOME interest? I partly think she wrote back, just so I could write "i miss u" and then she could reject me with a "leave me alone"...ya know? thats why i almost want to write "do you miss me?"

[LuCidiTy]

i think it's a sign she wants to communicate but doesn't quite know how to in her hurt state.

 

and hey...no one and nothing can give you confidence...that has to come from you. assume she does miss you. what do you have to lose? and gain? if you miss her, tell her. and if it takes a few angry exchanges to get to a better place eventually, it's worth it. sometimes you gotta have tough skin to get to that place. prove you can hang and be understanding and show that you really care enough to slog through it. no matter how crazy or belligerant or angry she seems, remember where that might be coming from.

 

if you think she's worth it, just do it. you might wind up a little more frustrated for a while or forever but you might also get closer to her or some closure.

[bejshermanoaks]

Yeah--sounds right...like she wants to communicate but doesnt know how as shes hurt.

Thanks...