Let you down easy?

March 15, 2008

I've been reading through a bunch of topics since joining a few days ago, and one term pops up a lot...he/she is letting you down easy. How do you really know if someone is doing this or if they mean what they are saying?

Does anyone besides me feel that being let down easy is somehow ... unfullfilling and not always clear enough to get any sense of real closure? That it most often allows for false hope? Cause us a lot of angst? That hard might really be better for everyone in the long run?

For example, in my recent "break up" that I'm still not sure was a break up, he said a couple of things that sounded some alarms in my friends' minds when I told them the sad story (you're great and I love what we have but the timing isn't right...there are better men than me out there). While from some men these might indeed be warning bells, coming from him and the way I know him, in how simply he communicates and how he literally means what he says, they didn't alarm me. I took him at his word about the first and told him I wasn't looking for and didn't love other men and that I'd hang in there...which I believed and still believe is what he wanted to hear...reassurance. Maybe I'm a dope. But how do you ever really know?

Then again ... I'm sure the reverse might hold true as well. If you're let down hard, that might just be fear and you could also still turn it all around in your head until you're blue haired and wrinkled and still have the same sorts of questions dangling forever.

No wonder this is all so very hard.

March 15, 2008

It's all about perception. If I heard those words from a woman, I'd not be expecting further contact from her. My translation is "I won't be seeing you again". I would be hurt, likely for a long time, but I'd see the positive aspect of being set free.

I think there was a whole Seinfeld episode which revolved around that "line".

Of course, expectedly, your perception is different. That's what makes the world go around

Sorry to hear about your break-up The hard part, for me, is when I lose the "love" and have to, after a lot of reflection, say "goodbye". It's something which has been on my mind a lot lately. Don't know if it was like that for your BF but, IMO, it's never easy, regardless of which side.

March 15, 2008

It's all about perception. If I heard those words from a woman, I'd not be expecting further contact from her. My translation is "I won't be seeing you again". I would be hurt, likely for a long time, but I'd see the positive aspect of being set free.

I think there was a whole Seinfeld episode which revolved around that "line".

Of course, expectedly, your perception is different. That's what makes the world go around

Sorry to hear about your break-up The hard part, for me, is when I lose the "love" and have to, after a lot of reflection, say "goodbye". It's something which has been on my mind a lot lately. Don't know if it was like that for your BF but, IMO, it's never easy, regardless of which side.

Okay...I think I got it. I'm a dope. Maybe I am too optimistic or maybe I just trust him too much or love wallowing in false hope.

And I know exactly what you mean about the point at which you lose the love and say goodbye. That's basically the way I came to terms with all of this...decided to both take him at his word and let him be to figure out his mess yet also assume the worst and get on with my life without him.

If what he meant was literal (there are parts I didn't go into but might later when I'm able), and he makes it back to us before I hit that losing-the-love-and-saying-goodbye point, all will be well again. Maybe.

If he doesn't, I'll be okay by then at least. What else can I do?

It's funny...before I hung up, I told him I hope he worked it out and made it back in time and exactly how to come back...no IMs, texts, phone calls, or emails. Just get your ass down here (we're LD). We'll see.

Thanks for talking to me.

March 15, 2008

so that's it?

March 15, 2008

I don't know that my comments adresses the 'let down easy' part of your post.

But I have been fed the "You are too good for me, there are better men out there" line a few times and so have thought a lot about what it might mean.

I don't have a lot of information about your relationship, but like you, I came to the conclusion that when someone said 'there is someone better out there for you', they meant it.

And the reason they mean it is because they feel, for whatever reason, that they aren't 'something' enough for you.

I also came to the realization, in all three cases where I was fed the 'too good' line, that they were right. Not that there is anything wrong with them, or that my love for them wasn't true, but because we fondamentally didn't share the same lifestyle, the same hopes for the future.

March 15, 2008

While I loathe such books as a mater of principle, I did enjoy reading: "he's just not that into you". Basically - its main theme is: if a person is breaking up with you, or saying they aren't in love with you, or in fact giving you anything negative that isn't: I have an issue, but would like to work through it WITH you - then they aren't into you enough.

While it's a little simplistic, it is an attitude I want to take more - it's about valuing yourself enough that you don't hang around waiting for someone else to realise your worth. If they don't see you're brilliant, then frankly, they aren't worth your time.

And a half-hearted excuse is just that - half hearted. Do you want to be with someone like that?

(If someone is saying there are better men out there - they are telling the truth. If someone loves and wants you, they'll fight for you. He's trying to push you off to someone else to ease his own guilt.)

meh - I'm exhausted. I'm probably talking crap!

March 15, 2008

I don't know that my comments adresses the 'let down easy' part of your post.

But I have been fed the "You are too good for me, there are better men out there" line a few times and so have thought a lot about what it might mean.

I don't have a lot of information about your relationship, but like you, I came to the conclusion that when someone said 'there is someone better out there for you', they meant it.

And the reason they mean it is because they feel, for whatever reason, that they aren't 'something' enough for you.

I also came to the realization, in all three cases where I was fed the 'too good' line, that they were right. Not that there is anything wrong with them, or that my love for them wasn't true, but because we fondamentally didn't share the same lifestyle, the same hopes for the future.

That let down easy thing? Who knows. Again, I guess it varies by person and maybe by situation which they might prefer or might be the better way. I still believe direct and blunt would be easier for me, personally, in both the short term and the long run, but again, either way a person could find things to obsess about and overthink.

The path you take to heal and get over things might be different...more anger perhaps one way than the other...but the end result should ultimately be the same.

And, of course, we never really get a choice as to how he or she is going to let us down, but if we did knew ourselves well enough to know which we'd prefer, we could set that parameter during the relationship and maybe get at least that wish fulfilled when/if it ends

I'm almost positive at this point that it might be me who didn't have enough information about our relationship or at least lived in some shadow of denial...by choice, probably. It was always one of those things you just knew was too good to be true or last. A transitional thing maybe for one or both of us. Probably both but I'm not entirely sure about me.*

It's been over only 9 days now, with basically (asided for a few followup texts later that night) NC since the minute I hung up the phone on "that" conversation, which basically consisted of him saying, "You know how totally messed up I am over this long custody battle and how I withdraw from everyone,"

And then me saying, "Yes, I do know...now go do what I've been telling you to and fix it and yourself, and I'll just leave you alone and get on with my life as if you were never coming back, and you can come see me when and if you can and when and if you want to and if I'm here I'm here and if I'm not I'm not and that would be our loss because you know how good this is and can be and how right it is."

He got pretty angry with me at that point and said, "I don't KNOW how this is going to turn out ... it's just something we have to do and I can't concentrate on anything else right now. My entire family is angry with me for this decision, and I can't take it and I wish I could fast forward time six months. I wish this mess was over."

Then I said that this had to be hard for him and reiterated that I meant what I said about fixing it all and then coming down to SEE me (it was a LD thing) face to face ... no texts, IMs, emails, or calls...when he was in a better place.

I said, "If I see you here, I'll know how it's turned out for you. You know exactly how I feel and what I wanted from all this. If you don't feel the same way now or at the end of your road. I understand. That's a possibility I can and will live. Until then, peace, and I hope it all works out for you and her* if that's what you want. What you want and need to make you happy, what you can live with and without is what matters first and foremost. And I know you'll make the right decisions for you and for your son."

He got angry with me again at this point and said, "You don't mean that! You don't want it to work out. For us to be apart. Look you know I'm a mess, how I don't talk to anyone for days whenever another thing happens. And you know I have to be with my son."

I said, "Yes...yes I do mean it. What else can I do? Wish the person I love and am in love with failure and unhappiness? That wouldn't be right and it wouldn't be how I feel. I wish you what you want in life and whatever brings you peace and joy. No matter what that is. I want you to be with your son. If that leaves me alone for a while or without you forever, that's just how it is. I'll deal with it. I'm tough."

Then he laughed and said, "You're not tough. Look...call or text me anytime, okay? I mean it...anytime. This is making me too sad." I said, "No...I most likely won't. But, listen...take care of yourself...you are a mess, physically, emotionally, in every way. And this way you're worthless to everyone...your son, your other kids, me, and especially yourself, and to whoever you next look to for a friend or a lover too."

At this point, I felt the tears coming and quickly said, "Look, I have to go. Good luck with everything. Bye." I hung up on him mid-sentence. He was telling me again to call him anytime, which I haven't and I won't. Later that night I got the texts from him saying basically what is in the OP, and I answered those by saying in maybe different words, I know I'm great and so are you and we were good together, and I doubt there are better men out there and even if there were, I'm not in love with them. Just get ur ass down here when and if you can. Promise me at least that." He said, of course, you goof. And I said thank you. He said you're welcome. And that was that.

I feel like I've come 10,000 miles and fast forwarded six months in 9 days. Yeah, fast forward hell. I'm sure just about everyone here knows just how many tears and screams the human body can produce out of pain, frustration, and disappointment. But I think I said what I needed to say, and that it was all honest and real. And I guess I found peace somehow, relatively quickly. But don't ask me how.

Maybe just saying to myself that I love him with all my heart but accept that it's over and also know part of me will wait for him until forever or until I just can't anymore no matter what I do. Maybe it was the white balloon that I let go at the lake with a note attached saying all the rest of the things I wanted to say to him but didn't get a chance to...which coincidentally headed right in his direction. Whatever. It's over, I released him to his highest good and am moving toward mine. If we get the gift of each other back, life will be good. If not, life will be good.

I don't feel anger. Yet. That may be coming, but I don't know that it ever will because there's not really anything to be angry with. He was always very honest with me and I returned the respect. We spent the first month or two discussing honesty and lessons we learned and how they showed us what we didn't want and more importantly wanted in the next relationship ... what we valued and what wasn't so important or real or lasting.

Some of the very things that I loved, admired, and respected about him are what ultimately led him to the decisions he's made. I can't fault him or myself for that. Hell, I probably helped him get to this point by being a very good transitional partner and friend and understanding it all above all. So what's to be angry at or with?

Who knows...maybe that was my purpose in his life. Maybe that was why we met when we did and what we needed. To relate. To have someone to talk to. To listen. To be there when the other needed someone.

I shied away from advising him on his similar issues and situation ... never wanted to have that potentially misinterpreted as pressure from me for whatever. But I did say it wasn't an easy decision to either make or live with and that if I had it to do over, I wouldn't. And so now he's at that place, and the road he has to travel to make it all right for him took him away from me. That's life. It happens. Everyday.

[[[*Her is the partner, the woman he lived with for 13 years and had a son with after his divorce (which was also 13 years ago) from the woman he has two other children and a very good relationship with at this time. They have been estranged (emotional abuse and blackmail and various other reasons that probably don't matter much here) for over two years, and he moved out five and a half months ago and has been living through hell since, for whatever reasons...regret probably being one of them and missing the tangible aspects of his life and above all being with his son daily being the foremost. He and she finally spoke last week after all these months without lawyers in the middle dealing with the custody and the home sale (which is was time to do as he found out last week also) and all that other "stuff," and they were able to be civil and both agreed to go to counselling and mediation to see if they can work out their communication issues as they relate to the son and home. When I asked him if working out meant he was considering moving back in with them, he said no...no he didn't think that would ever work but that he was 100% sure he would not get custodial parent custody for whatever reasons so maybe he might have to consider that option depending on the results of the counselling, mediation, and next court decision, which he didn't think would work out because he couldn't really stand the thought of it and didn't see how it could possibly happen but that he was totally panicking at the thought of not having more contact with his son and more say in how he was being raised. It killed him to have missed all those years with his first two, now older children and he isn't willing to let that happen again. To fail again. His words. That if he had to be miserable, he would be just to be with his son.]]]

[[[Me? I formalized and finalized a divorce in January after 18 years of an emotionally abusive marriage, and was pretty much past all my issues from that, having had 13 years to work on myself and come to terms with what I had decided to do...wait for my child to graduate from high school and then leave. As that time grew nearer, my xH, with whom we still lived, with us each basically going our separate ways on most things and not being physically initmate for the 13 years, got more and more abusive, physically now, so the clock on that final separation and divorce was accelerated by six months. I've been strong and free despite that for a very long time. Made my peace and my choices long ago and did the best I could given what I had to work with. I don't regret doing it, but I know how hard it was to be faithful to a relationship long dead...to be basically alone with only the child in mind and heart, so I really related to what the man I just lost was going through and feeling.]]]

Ugh. That all poured out, didn't it? Anyway...that's where I am. Thanks for listening and for your comments. They helped tremendously.

March 15, 2008

While I loathe such books as a mater of principle, I did enjoy reading: "he's just not that into you". Basically - its main theme is: if a person is breaking up with you, or saying they aren't in love with you, or in fact giving you anything negative that isn't: I have an issue, but would like to work through it WITH you - then they aren't into you enough.

While it's a little simplistic, it is an attitude I want to take more - it's about valuing yourself enough that you don't hang around waiting for someone else to realise your worth. If they don't see you're brilliant, then frankly, they aren't worth your time.

And a half-hearted excuse is just that - half hearted. Do you want to be with someone like that?
(If someone is saying there are better men out there - they are telling the truth. If someone loves and wants you, they'll fight for you. He's trying to push you off to someone else to ease his own guilt.)

meh - I'm exhausted. I'm probably talking crap!

I loved that book. It actually helped make this a bit easier too. And I so totally agree. Working it out together is the way it should be if it's to be.

I'm not altogether convinced that this wasn't what he was doing and that I didn't project all my fears and doomsday feelings into that final conversation, but at this point it is what it is.

Half-hearted excuses are lame. I think my exact response to the one about there are better men than me out there, in addition to what I wrote above in the novel about the final texts, was And that was a lame and sucky thing to say. Yikes.

Thanks for your comments. Good insight there.

March 16, 2008

It was always one of those things you just knew was too good to be true or last. A transitional thing maybe for one or both of us. Probably both but I'm not entirely sure about me.*

One of those relationship where you really let go and indulge because it is too good? I had one of those, it was probably one of the most passionate experiences in my life and it really hurt when he left because he was confused about his ex, who had finally figured out that she wanted him in her life. He went back to her but things didn't work out between them. He contacted me months after to tell me: things didn't work out, mostly because I couldn't get you out of my head. By then I was over him and couldn't imagine us back together again - even though when we parted I thought I would wait for him forever, thought it was impossible we weren't meant to be together.

Healing transforms us. I am most likely a lot wiser - but also a lot stronger. And I have met someone strong since.

And then me saying, "Yes, I do know...now go do what I've been telling you to and fix it and yourself, and I'll just leave you alone and get on with my life as if you were never coming back, and you can come see me when and if you can and when and if you want to and if I'm here I'm here and if I'm not I'm not and that would be our loss because you know how good this is and can be and how right it is."

He got pretty angry with me at that point and said, "I don't KNOW how this is going to turn out ... it's just something we have to do and I can't concentrate on anything else right now. My entire family is angry with me for this decision, and I can't take it and I wish I could fast forward time six months. I wish this mess was over."

Then I said that this had to be hard for him and reiterated that I meant what I said about fixing it all and then coming down to SEE me (it was a LD thing) face to face ... no texts, IMs, emails, or calls...when he was in a better place.

I said, "If I see you here, I'll know how it's turned out for you. You know exactly how I feel and what I wanted from all this. If you don't feel the same way now or at the end of your road. I understand. That's a possibility I can and will live. Until then, peace, and I hope it all works out for you and her* if that's what you want. What you want and need to make you happy, what you can live with and without is what matters first and foremost. And I know you'll make the right decisions for you and for your son."

He got angry with me again at this point and said, "You don't mean that! You don't want it to work out. For us to be apart. Look you know I'm a mess, how I don't talk to anyone for days whenever another thing happens. And you know I have to be with my son."

I said, "Yes...yes I do mean it. What else can I do? Wish the person I love and am in love with failure and unhappiness? That wouldn't be right and it wouldn't be how I feel. I wish you what you want in life and whatever brings you peace and joy. No matter what that is. I want you to be with your son. If that leaves me alone for a while or without you forever, that's just how it is. I'll deal with it. I'm tough."

Then he laughed and said, "You're not tough. Look...call or text me anytime, okay? I mean it...anytime. This is making me too sad." I said, "No...I most likely won't. But, listen...take care of yourself...you are a mess, physically, emotionally, in every way. And this way you're worthless to everyone...your son, your other kids, me, and especially yourself, and to whoever you next look to for a friend or a lover too."

At this point, I felt the tears coming and quickly said, "Look, I have to go. Good luck with everything. Bye." I hung up on him mid-sentence. He was telling me again to call him anytime, which I haven't and I won't. Later that night I got the texts from him saying basically what is in the OP, and I answered those by saying in maybe different words, I know I'm great and so are you and we were good together, and I doubt there are better men out there and even if there were, I'm not in love with them. Just get ur ass down here when and if you can. Promise me at least that." He said, of course, you goof. And I said thank you. He said you're welcome. And that was that.

You are a tough one! Of course he would say there are better men for you out there. He feels miserable, he feels his life is a mess and here you are telling him that you know there is so much more he could live up too. I did that too, with that guy I first mentionned. And I don't regret it. It's hard believing in someone who doesn't believe in themselves. I guess, for some reason, it's also hard being with someone who believes in you when you don't believe in yourself.

If we get the gift of each other back, life will be good. If not, life will be good.

Very true.

March 16, 2008

I'd LOVE to have been let down hard. Mine gave me the whole, "I love you, I can't imagine not being close to you, I definitely see my future with you in it but just not now," thing. And then stopped speaking to me. It's been 8 months today since the breakup. I recently finished writing a book I sold two weeks before he dumped me (great timing, right?) and he didn't even acknowledge it. He knew the due date. He know what a big deal this was for me. And I didn't get one single word.

If he'd just said, "I hate you and I plan never to speak to you again and there is no chance in hell we'll ever be together," it would have made this whole thing so much easier.

March 16, 2008

One of those relationship where you really let go and indulge because it is too good? I had one of those, it was probably one of the most passionate experiences in my life and it really hurt when he left because he was confused about his ex, who had finally figured out that she wanted him in her life. He went back to her but things didn't work out between them. He contacted me months after to tell me: things didn't work out, mostly because I couldn't get you out of my head. By then I was over him and couldn't imagine us back together again - even though when we parted I thought I would wait for him forever, thought it was impossible we weren't meant to be together.

Healing transforms us. I am most likely a lot wiser - but also a lot stronger. And I have met someone strong since.

Maybe not so much total indulgence as that it seemed we both found the exact right person for us at the exact right time. We valued, loved, and cherished all the same things, were open to possibilities we both thought would never come to us again, had come to all the same conclusions about what we wanted out of the rest of our lives, understood each other totally as far as how much patience it would take to get where we were inevitably (it seemed) going, encountered coincidence after coincidence about what brought us to each other, finished each other's sentences...that kind of thing.

It was good. Unfortunately, the right time thing for him changed. Maybe he got a little weak or worn down or confused or all of the above...started thinking about giving up the fight he had on his hands and how much he stood to lose and chose to try the easy, familiar path rather than the unknown, scarier one.

In a way, I don't blame him. I understand...did the same thing. My advantage now is that I know how choosing that path turned out...there were some very good things and some very horrible ones along the way. I know what I would do if given the choice again, but this is all something you can't really advise someone about when they're trying to get through it. It's quite different for each person no matter how similar it might seem. So all you can do is tell them your story in the hopes they relate to and gain something from it...strength, ideas, wisdom, whatever applies in their now. The rest is up to them. They have to find their way along the path alone, and they have to live and deal with their choices and the consequences of those choices alone too. It doesn't work any other way.

One of the consequences in your ex's case was losing you. You weren't wrong...not in your recognition of the situation in the moment, not in your feelings for him, not in your actions overall...you were in his head (you got validation of that) and he was in yours...at that moment before he chose that other path, it was impossible that you weren't meant to be together.

The trickiest thing though is still what we call the timing...in knowing whether or not that choice of taking another path (be it forward, sideways, or backward) is simply a necessary step in clearing the way back to the main path (your relationship) or a permanent divergence, intentional or not.

And because no one really knows what will happen along the way, on your path or his, getting back to the main path is a miracle in and of itself.

Any thinking, feeling person certainly recognizes the potential risks of leaving that main path...whether they anguish about the decision for months or even years or only a fraction of a second, the process is all the same.

Understanding and acceptance in your logical mind goes a long way to helping with the healing of your often illogical heart. Recognizing what you can control and what you can't helps too. Sometimes there simply is no blame...nothing to be angry about...nothing to regret. Sometimes it's just out of your hands. And, yes, healing is miraculous in the wisdom it brings. It prepares us for the right situation when it does come along, as in your case. You got stronger and so were better prepared to deal the stronger person you met.

You are a tough one! Of course he would say there are better men for you out there. He feels miserable, he feels his life is a mess and here you are telling him that you know there is so much more he could live up too. I did that too, with that guy I first mentionned. And I don't regret it. It's hard believing in someone who doesn't believe in themselves. I guess, for some reason, it's also hard being with someone who believes in you when you don't believe in yourself.

You nailed this one...it's hard but not impossible to believe in them. What we can't control, however, is their reaction to it...what you give as unconditional support and understanding he or she may not be prepared to accept at face value and so instead view it or feel it as additional pressure or a burden.

But their perception is everything. The way we attempt to communicate our unfailing and unflagging belief in them to them might be crystal clear to us...it's within us and familiar to us and we know what we feel and mean with all our hearts...but the message had so many chances of not getting through...of getting clouded along the way...by your own impotent or poorly chosen words, by their own issues and interpretations, by the universe itself. If you think about it, it's a miracle if the real meaning ever makes it through at all.

And I suppose the way you let go when asked to, goes to your real character and motives as well. Once you accept them into your life, you have to accept it all...the good and the bad, all the possibilties and paths, the choices you're going to like and those that you're going to hate.

As for the me being tough part? All I said was what I felt inside and knew to be both true and possible, and all I can do is remain open to those possibilities as long as I am able.

Very true.

March 16, 2008

I'd LOVE to have been let down hard. Mine gave me the whole, "I love you, I can't imagine not being close to you, I definitely see my future with you in it but just not now," thing. And then stopped speaking to me. It's been 8 months today since the breakup. I recently finished writing a book I sold two weeks before he dumped me (great timing, right?) and he didn't even acknowledge it. He knew the due date. He know what a big deal this was for me. And I didn't get one single word.

If he'd just said, "I hate you and I plan never to speak to you again and there is no chance in hell we'll ever be together," it would have made this whole thing so much easier.

Oh, damnit. I know what you mean. It could possibly have made it all so much easier for you if he had let you down hard. But...one question. What if him letting you down hard wouldn't have been the truth? Would you have preferred it anyway?

Do you want to take such lovely words and turn them into nothing but bitterness, regret, and anguish, or do you want to celebrate that someone said such beautiful things to you...even though the last thing you heard and focused on was the "not right now" part because "not right now" was the bad part, the part you dreaded, the part you didn't ever want to hear but he clearly needed to say, for whatever reasons?

Would you choose to close down the possibilities of that having had been the truth for all time? All on your own? Toss away his words and invalidate them because they simply weren't what you wanted to hear? And by possibilities, I don't mean you necessarily getting back together...what I mean is the possibilities of how your experience with him and all he meant to you might influence the essence of you and your future, whether he's there or not. What if if he ever returns he finds a mess in you? Anger, bitterness, emotional wounds that no "I love you and I want you back" is ever going to magically heal.

I mean, as I mentioned in the OP, how do we ever know what the truth really is or was? How do we know whether they're speaking from the heart and in the moment and being perfectly honest or whether they're lying to spare our feelings or assuage their guilt or give themselves an easy way out with as little drama as possible?

And if and when we think we finally figure out what they meant or might have meant or what we think they mean, how do we decide what that means to us and what we are to do with that? What's the way to deal with this that is calm and logical and adult that will make the best of the given reality as it is, not as you hope it might be.

One thing many of us probably need to acknowledge is that he might have really meant every word...in that moment, at that time...and that what he wasn't able to articulate to you and what you weren't able to receive clearly was the "but" part. That's hope but not false hope. See my last post.

Yeah...there seems to be a lot of tough love around here ... some people saying hey...he covered up or soft-brushed the message to spare your feelings, to let you down easy ... it was a lie and you should consider him gone and get on with your life.

To me, that's as mixed and generalized a message as exists. There's some truth in it for some people and some truth in it for all people, but not all of it applies to every person and every situation. Nothing ever does.

Sometimes people really mean what they say.

What it all comes down to and all that matters is perspective...yours and his. Your strength and your willingness to hold on or let go or turn it into something good and positive....your knowledge of him, how well you really knew him, and how much you really trusted him and trust yourself. Was he incapable of telling you the truth?

Again...the reality...not the perception or projection or the hopes or wishes. Only you can really judge whether he meant that or not. And you probably already know deep down inside of you, yet as the months go by, other things, aside from the obvious days going by, pile on top of those initial feelings and bury then and turn them over again and again in your head and keep you from yourself.

But what it make it any less true or any less painful really? Would it be easier in the moment but harder in the long run? And would it be real?

March 16, 2008

My Lord, I hate this being let down easy thing! My ex is telling me "You deserve so much better than me" or "I love you so much, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever known, and you're going to make another man so happy..." or "I'm making such a huge mistake...", yet he's already going out on dates and trying to find his future wife (his first 3 dates were 5 and 6 days after we broke off our 2 year realtionship...). He did tell me he's moving on, but yet he's still calling me (I wrote about that under Second Chances if you'd care to take a look...), so I'm completely confused by him....Ugh.

March 16, 2008

I'd LOVE to have been let down hard. Mine gave me the whole, "I love you, I can't imagine not being close to you, I definitely see my future with you in it but just not now," thing. And then stopped speaking to me. It's been 8 months today since the breakup. I recently finished writing a book I sold two weeks before he dumped me (great timing, right?) and he didn't even acknowledge it. He knew the due date. He know what a big deal this was for me. And I didn't get one single word.

If he'd just said, "I hate you and I plan never to speak to you again and there is no chance in hell we'll ever be together," it would have made this whole thing so much easier.

Im beginning to see my story now from all this. My GF and I went on a date last Saturday night and talked about the future and planning a weekend trip for this weekend. She said she could see long term potential with us and we have great chemistry. Monday night calls me telling me how much she is looking forward to this weekend.

Then Wednesday night the call. "This is always hard" line. Can we just be friends for now crap. I still have feeling for you and its not over yet, just need time to think things through.

Why cant people man up and say what they mean. Youre never gonna talk to me again anyways, why not say the truth??

March 16, 2008

I was 'easily let down' too, but get this, a week before the split she told me she loved me too much!!!!!!!

What a way to confuse someone and give false hope! I think a hard let down would be easier in a lot of ways.

March 16, 2008

Im beginning to see my story now from all this. My GF and I went on a date last Saturday night and talked about the future and planning a weekend trip for this weekend. She said she could see long term potential with us and we have great chemistry. Monday night calls me telling me how much she is looking forward to this weekend.

Then Wednesday night the call. "This is always hard" line. Can we just be friends for now crap. I still have feeling for you and its not over yet, just need time to think things through.

Why cant people man up and say what they mean. Youre never gonna talk to me again anyways, why not say the truth??

why do you assume that what she said wasn't the truth?

and how do you know your reaction and projection and leaping to assumptions isn't what changes the path to turn it into what YOU fear?

Edited March 16, 2008 by LuCidiTy

March 16, 2008

why do you assume that what she said wasn't the truth?

and how do you know your reaction and projection and leaping to assumptions isn't what changes the path to turn it into what YOU fear?

I havent given up on us yet and youre right, she has never lied to me.

Its been 4 days since we talked and I havent contacted her. She wanted time to think about things and Im giving her the time. Its the hardest part of all this because I care for her so much. She has been depressed alot lately since her father got diagnosed. I know her life is full and maybe having me in it right now is too much. I havent given up on us. Im actually cautiously optimistic. This is the first weekend in 3 months we havent seen each other, even when we had the 'slow down' talk 2 months ago.

Should I contact her or just let her come to me when she's ready?

Edited March 16, 2008 by backspn

March 16, 2008

I havent given up on us yet and youre right, she has never lied to me.

Its been 4 days since we talked and I havent contacted her. She wanted time to think about things and Im giving her the time. Its the hardest part of all this because I care for her so much. She has been depressed alot lately since her father got diagnosed. I know her life is full and maybe having me in it right now is too much. I havent given up on us. Im actually cautiously optimistic. This is the first weekend in 3 months we havent seen each other, even when we had the 'slow down' talk 2 months ago.

Should I contact her or just let her come to me when she's ready?

So many maybes and what ifs and questions dangling...always so hard...especially when your own mind is only half listening to what someon's saying and half busy jumping to (usually the worst) conclusions.

She said this is always hard and asked to be friends for now but then told you it's not over between you and she just needs time. This could be the absolute truth. It's up to you how you decide to deal with this reality, how you're going to react, which I assume up until now, has been to leave her alone. Did she ask you not to contact her outright? Cancel the weekend too?

I'd guess the first thing you need to decide if you're going to take her at her word and accept that she needs time but wants you in her life still on the friend level.

If you can be her friend right now and deal with your own feelings without putting pressure for more on either one of you, there's no reason not to call her now and then. As a friend. To see how she's doing with whatever seems to be overwhelming her right now, to see if she needs to talk. For all you know, she's sitting there right now saying, wow he can't even be my friend now and then jump to some conclusions of her own from that.

I just don't know. But I do know that you'll have to be pretty sensitive to both of you if you do decide to try calling.

March 17, 2008

should i post my story separately for comments, do you think? it kind of got mixed into this topic and maybe one or two others.

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