How many emails?

[dancinggal]

Hey everyone,

 

My boyfriend and i have been apart for 10 months. In this time, I've sent 125 emails. He has sent 27. I guess this equates to an email from me maybe three times a week on average, and for him, two or three a month.

 

I'll admit that I like to write (I prefer it to talking on the phone), and he has been busy, but what does everyone else do in regards to communication? I used to write because I know he likes getting emails from me, but I'm thinking about cutting it down, because I think this is a little ridiculous.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

From a purely observational standpoint, it seems like you are much more invested in the relationship than he is.

 

Definitely cut down. Maybe just write in response to his emails (isn't that how most people communicate anyway?)

[taiko]

Hey everyone,

 

My boyfriend and i have been apart for 10 months. In this time, I've sent 125 emails. He has sent 27. I guess this equates to an email from me maybe three times a week on average, and for him, two or three a month.

 

I'll admit that I like to write (I prefer it to talking on the phone), and he has been busy, but what does everyone else do in regards to communication? I used to write because I know he likes getting emails from me, but I'm thinking about cutting it down, because I think this is a little ridiculous.

What are you looking for a romantic letter? For many email is just a backup communication. For when we can't talk or text and something happened that we want to share before we forget.

 

But just as email has surplanted the hand written letter sprayed with perfume relatively cheap message and chat systems are taking away from emailing.

 

And from most of us when it is a romantic email it is likeky a cut paste job from song lyrics or a romantic letter website.

[TMichaels]

And from most of us when it is a romantic email it is likeky a cut paste job from song lyrics or a romantic letter website.

 

 

Oh, tell me it isn't so, Taiko!

 

Well, it's the thought that really counts, right?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[carhill]

One should remember we each have different communication styles. I type fast and prefer the written word, because I love writing and the beauty of language. Others, my wife included, prefer to speak face to face or on the phone to typing on a computer.

 

OP, why not suggest to your paramour that you would love to receive a nice card once in awhile (if you like such things) or one or two heartfelt letters/e-mails a month. Tell him you love it when he takes time to sit down and really think about you and, to you, it brings him right into your presence. Bla, bla

 

I have this female friend who I was often frustrated with because she would always send me these canned forwarded e-mails, even though they were very sweet. Then, I actually saw her typing on the computer one day and I understood (she can't type very fast) and it just takes her too long to compose and type her thoughts onto the page, and she told me that she's always afraid of saying the wrong thing and it being there forever. I told her that it's the thought I value, not the verbosity of the prose

 

So, when we correspond, I write War and Peace and she sends quick notes, which I enjoy. She enjoys my writing and I love to write (and do for my wife as well), so everyone is happy.

 

Again, as often mentioned here, this is where communication is important. Your BF should want to accommodate any reasonable request, as long as he knows it. Your job is to be respectful of his preferences and limitations, if extant, like I mentioned prior.

 

Good luck!

[Art_Critic]

From a purely observational standpoint, it seems like you are much more invested in the relationship than he is.

 

Definitely cut down. Maybe just write in response to his emails (isn't that how most people communicate anyway?)

 

I think ILC is right.. and you should cut your emails down to match his and see what he says..

1:1 or maybe 1:2.. or at least to the point that he notices the change.

 

A LDR and only a couple of emails a month isn't great involvement..

Do you both spend tons of time on the phone ?.. How often do you see each other ?

[Touche]

I'm seeing a pattern lately where one person feels they're giving more than the other. If one person feels that he/she is more invested and giving more than the other, what are the choices?

 

1) Talk to your SO and see if they're willing to adjust their behavior/actions to suit you desires or not or, as you suggest, adjust YOUR behavior.

 

2) Accept things the way they are and shift your focus to other more positive aspects (if there are any) of the relationship.

 

3) Accept the fact that you're just not compatible enough and move on.

[page]

I had the same thing happen to me. But I enjoyed taking on the phone and he enjoyed IMing. I once thought that this guy never had really called in the two years when we were going out - But...

 

Then I added the the transcripts of our IM's and found that we chatted for about 8 hours a week while at work (some times for two hours a day). Once the relationship became long distance I did start getting phone calls about once a week. Now, broken up he still IM's which causes less emotion being x's-and we can keep the friendship with out any problems (well a flirt every now and then which sucks's but we are learning)

 

So... just different people have different ways of going about it. But yeh bring it up-because boys have a hard time with this stuff.

Edited March 15, 2008 by page

[TMichaels]

Hey everyone,

 

My boyfriend and i have been apart for 10 months. In this time, I've sent 125 emails. He has sent 27. I guess this equates to an email from me maybe three times a week on average, and for him, two or three a month.

 

I'll admit that I like to write (I prefer it to talking on the phone), and he has been busy, but what does everyone else do in regards to communication? I used to write because I know he likes getting emails from me, but I'm thinking about cutting it down, because I think this is a little ridiculous.

 

dancinggal,

 

Think about it this way... Ever noticed how most women are much more "verbal" than men? Generally, women like to talk, talk, talk, and most men don't. So, on one hand, what you're describing is no different than what happens in real life. So, no worries there.

 

There's also the aspect of what communication mediums are the most comfortable or natural for each of you. As you say, you prefer writing vs. talking on the phone. You don't say, but I assuming your b/f prefers other methods over writing emails to stay in touch and perhaps those methods aren't your first choice.

 

If that's the case, what difference does it make *how* you stay in touch, just as long as you do?

 

Having said all that, the only thing that's a bit troubling is the fact that you felt the need to do an accounting of your emails back and forth. I suppose that's the sort of thing we all do out of idle curiosity, as LDRs can drive one to distraction -- but on the other hand, perhaps you were interested in knowing "what's the score" as you've been feeling like you are putting more into the relationship than your other half.

 

If that's the case, you can email him less often if you think that will make you feel better, but my guess is that since you like communicating your thoughts in writing and he enjoys getting your emails, all you're going to do is create a feeling "that the two of you are drifting apart."

 

You can also tell him you're upset he doesn't email more often, but if he doesn't feel comfortable writing or doesn't have lightning fast keyboarding skills, making that demand of him won't be mutually-advantageous either.

 

Have you tried communicating by something other than phone or email? What about IMs, text messages? Have you tried playing some on-line games -- most also have a private chat function where the two of you can chat while having a bit of fun? What about a webcam? If you use the webcam inside of an Instant Messenger program like Yahoo or MSN, you can "talk" to each other both verbally and using the written word -- plus you have the added "perk" of seeing each other while you do.

 

One of the major reasons relationships, especially LDRs, fail is a lack of communication and trust. There's no rule that says one way to communicate is better or the other, nor that you have to use only one way to stay in touch. Basically, it comes down to what works best for both of you. Why not experiment a bit and see if some new techniques might help and add some spice?

 

And, no matter what... keep talking!

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited March 15, 2008 by TMichaels

[dancinggal]

Hi all,

 

Thanks for the responses.

 

First of all, I have a folder on my hotmail account for his emails, so I have an instant count of what he's sent me, and I always save the ones I send to him, usually because I'll write a paragraph, then get back to study, write another, go to dance class, etc, so I know how many of those I've sent, lol. I knew there was a big difference, because I do write a lot more (and I guess I do type better), but I had no idea I had almost 100 over him.

 

Basically, we've had a few fights over the communication thing. (For anyone that doesn't know, I live in Australia, he is in Canada, we haven't seen each other or 10 months, but he gets here next month). We only get a chance to talk twice a week, on Saturday and Sunday evenings at around 6 or 7pm, which means sometimes I have to cancel because of friend's stuff (birthday parties, etc), or else I have to miss out on stuff, or late to stuff. But he LOVES the phone, wants to talk for ages, even though its 3am his time (he is a bouncer on weekends, so we talk then).

 

For me, I prefer emails. I find I don't always have a lot to say on the phone. However, if I do my paragraph thing, I can think of loads to say. I also like getting them back, because its like a piece of that person that you can read over and over again.

 

I know he LOVES getting emails from me. But he rarely finds the time to write, due to him having to work very hard. But he has quit a few jobs, and has PROMISED to write more. That was two weeks ago. He's sent me one email in that time. And it wasn't that long even. I've sent him three to his one. Its just frustrating, you know? Stupid long distance, lol.

[carhill]

Hey, once in awhile, when he's up at 3am wanting to talk for hours, he can write for hours instead. It's cheaper and means a lot to you

 

Tell him that...

[TMichaels]

For me, I prefer emails. I find I don't always have a lot to say on the phone. However, if I do my paragraph thing, I can think of loads to say. I also like getting them back, because its like a piece of that person that you can read over and over again.

 

I know what you mean, dancinggal. My b/f and I don't email, but we text and IM alot. I keep all of them, and yes, it's nice to be able to read back through them. Sometimes I find that I missed something he said, sometimes I learn something from reading what we said to each other, and other times it's just sort of "comforting" in a way to read through them all over again.

 

Though we also talk on the phone maybe once a week or so, I do have a suggestion for you that might help...

 

I often find I think of 101 things during the week to say or ask him, yet sometimes I can't think of a thing to talk about to him on the phone!

 

Since I am also fond of writing and my b/f not so much so, during the week I often make notes in a Word file of the things that come up/take place that I wanted to ask or tell him about. When we finally do talk on the phone, I have my "cheat sheet" I can refer to which helps alot. That way I don't hang up going "Doh!" because I forgot to tell him something AGAIN, and I don't feel pressured to come up with things to talk about when the conversation inevitably lulls.

 

I don't know what it is about the phone -- maybe it's because I am conscious about the fact that every minute that ticks away means the "fare ticker" is rising, too, which makes me feel like we need to make sure we make the most of our phone calls, or what. It could also be the due to time differences we often talk late at night, and I'm just brain dead.

 

Whatever it is, I do find keeping a running "diary," much like you are doing by writing a bit in between classes and/or errands helps. You might decide there are some topics you'd like to write about, and the rest are ones you want to talk about. At any rate, might be worth a try...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[j_hunt_12]

What kind of letters do you write? Long, well-written letters or short summaries of your day with an "I love you" at the end? Me and my GF write everyday, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day with Email and Facebook messages, but the letters are usually pretty short and not too well-written, and take a maximum of 10 minutes to write. Maybe they are as long as this post. If you both have gotten into a habit of writing long, romantic, well-written letters, I could see your BF getting really lazy about it. Not because he doesn't love you or anything, just because he doesn't like to write that much. I remember being pen-pals with someone and we always wrote long letters... I think we both just got tired and we just stopped after a few weeks. peace

[Krisa]

Hey everyone,

 

My boyfriend and i have been apart for 10 months. In this time, I've sent 125 emails. He has sent 27. I guess this equates to an email from me maybe three times a week on average, and for him, two or three a month.

 

I'll admit that I like to write (I prefer it to talking on the phone), and he has been busy, but what does everyone else do in regards to communication? I used to write because I know he likes getting emails from me, but I'm thinking about cutting it down, because I think this is a little ridiculous.

 

 

Okay...so this upsets me...you are thinking of cutting back??? Why?? You write those email for a reason...or are you writting them to get a response?? Are you saying he doesnt love you because he doesnt email you as much. Does he do other things inplace to show you how much he loves you. Everyone is different on how they express love...but if this is just one sided then thats a total different story.

[dancinggal]

Krisa, I'm not writing as much anymore, because it feels a little pointless. Like, I don't even know if he reads them, and I put a lot of thought and emotion into them. So, if he isn't that into them, then its ok. I know he loves me, and he loves talking on the phone all the time. But I guess writing isn't his thing, and lets face it - that many more emails says he isn't into it.

 

I guess my emails are kind of long, but it just comes out of me, I don't have to work very hard to think of things to say.

 

Usually, I'll talk about stuff that's going on, and then I'll tell him I miss him and love him, blah blah blah. Sometimes, I send an erotic letter, or some nude pics. For me, its just a way to keep our relationship going, it feels more personal than the phone.

[cocoa]

i made my boyfriend email me daily. i wrote him everyday too.

 

which we did pretty much...

 

then, he decided he needed to break up with me anyway. all in 2 months.

 

so...

[Krisa]

I send an erotic letter, or some nude pics. For me, its just a way to keep our relationship going, it feels more personal than the phone.

 

Oh wow...and he's not into that?? I'm sure he likes that! I know I feel like I fall short on the email writing...because my SO is such a good writer, and I kinda ermm...well my emails don't have the flow that his do.

 

In our relationship nobody feels left out...it's not one sided...We both are in this equal and have different ways of showing. He writes really good emails, and I like to take pictures of whatever I'm doing throughout the day and send them to him. We also talk on the phone, IM, text, webcam....We have yet to go a day without chatting. (We are fairly new at this, everything started October 2007). Hope all goes well. xx

[dancinggal]

He does like the naughty pics, and to be fair, he has written some amazingly erotic letters back. But he isn't consistant, and I kind of feel I'm probably pushing him when it comes to writing. Maybe he feels intimidated (I didn't even think of that, writing just comes so naturally to me).

 

The problem isn't so much the lack of emails, more that I'm like, ok, we don't have to do the writing thing, but phone calls alone aren't fulfilling me, they just aren't personal enough, and it feels like I'm just chatting to a friend instead of creating intimacy that you would experience in a relationship.

 

Anyway, as its less than a month to go, I guess there is no point in stressing about it now.

 

Good luck in yours! Glad to see you got off to such a great start.

[Krisa]

 

Anyway, as its less than a month to go, I guess there is no point in stressing about it now.

 

 

Awww...You two will get to be together soon...how lucky for you. It's been two weeks today since I have seen my SO and I miss him so much already. I won't see him again until the end of June. (I'm in the USA and he's in Scotland)

[Habibti]

Krisa, I'm not writing as much anymore, because it feels a little pointless. Like, I don't even know if he reads them, and I put a lot of thought and emotion into them. So, if he isn't that into them, then its ok. I know he loves me, and he loves talking on the phone all the time. But I guess writing isn't his thing, and lets face it - that many more emails says he isn't into it.

 

I guess my emails are kind of long, but it just comes out of me, I don't have to work very hard to think of things to say.

 

Usually, I'll talk about stuff that's going on, and then I'll tell him I miss him and love him, blah blah blah. Sometimes, I send an erotic letter, or some nude pics. For me, its just a way to keep our relationship going, it feels more personal than the phone.

 

 

Okay, E-mail are YOUR thing- you even admit you can tell that they aren't HIS thing. I wouldn't at all agree that is a sign he isn't that into you- just a sign he isn't THAT into emailing. You said yourself you know he LOVES getting mail from you but apparently the only reason you email him so often is not for his pleasure so much as you're trying to send a big fat hint to him and are hoping he will follow suit and reciprocate in a manner that YOU find fulfilling. Have you told him how much more fulfilling you find e-mails? That might prompt to him to at least beef up the few e-mails that he does write but it just seems like a different strokes for different folks kind of situation-

 

 

I would suggest cutting down the e-mails until you can write them freely as a gift to him rather than a means to an end for you in getting what you want- otherwise you're only bound to feel the way you do now : jipped.