Ex Relapse

[shadowsfall]

Hello everyone,

 

First of all my cause for breakup is in the link below. The first paragraph kind of sums it all up. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t144586/ With that being said all I can do recently is think about my Ex GF of 2 years. We broke up 3 weeks ago. Every night I go to bed, every morning I wake up she's on my mind. Not to mention the dreams are a killer! WE spoke yesterday for the first time since the breakup. She's extremely sad about the entire thing. Long story short: She was 'too close' for comfort with one of her male friends who's also her boss. In there defense, they were friends before I came around and according to her they never dated or hooked up. I never caught her cheating but was always suspicious of there relationship. So I couldn't deal with it anymore and walked away. After speaking to her, she kept reiterating that she wouldn't make the same mistake of talking to him so frequently if at all. She said she actually doesn't even want to be his friend anymore because of the entire situation. And they have not been talking outside work since we split. Even though she agreed not to speak to him outside of the workplace, he is in fact STILL her boss and she refuses to leave her job when I ask her to. I'm not trying to be controlling but this guy has been an ongoing problem since early on so I'm just trying to take him out of the equation so we can move on. WHY do women believe that when a guy calls and text's 200 times a day that there's absolutely NO way this guy is in to them? Also the very fact that they are fighting worries me. Do friends, especially male-female friends fight like this? This sounds to me like some emotions were invested to harvest a fight like this? I don't recall ever fighting with a female friend?

 

Anyway I love this woman to death, and I believe that maybe this time apart has made us both realize how important our relationship was. Does it sometimes take some time apart to achieve this greater appreciation? My main question I guess would be whether or not I should retry things with her. I've been dating since then and it seems like every girl I come across cannot possibly compare to her. They are attractive but they are mostly the ditzy or clingy type and it's a huge turnoff. One girl talks my ear off every chance she gets, even through movies. My ex is beautiful, intelligent and has a great sense of humor, we click on every level. We have the same taste in music, movies, sports (yes she likes sports), & careers. It just seems like a lot to throw away with her and I really want to give it another shot! Then again I also don't know how comfortable I would be knowing they still work together? What do you guys think?

 

Thank you!

Edited March 15, 2008 by shadowsfall

[carhill]

Nah, the boss isn't a friend, but it sounds like she's waffling him in and out of the friend zone to titillate him for whatever purposes she has. That's my opinion. It's not all innocent "mistakes". I've seen this enough times now to override my innocent belief in everything being proper

 

I'd stay NC and let things shake out. She has to figure out her perspective in her own good time. Meantime, stop comparing your dates to her. That's not fair to the ladies. Personally, I wouldn't date at all, rather just hang with friends while I got my head straight...

[shadowsfall]

Carhill thank you for the response. So you've seen a lot of stuff like this before? The classic opposite sex friendship becoming too close? Is there any remote possiblity their relationship is innocent like she keeps claiming it is? I know the evidence against her doesn't look good, but I'm trying to paint as unbiased a picture as possible.

 

As far as not dating goes, I think that sounds like a great idea after the headache's I've just endured from the last two dates. One girl in particular is coming on way too strong for someone who's supposed to understand my recent situation. Not only that, but I'm already feeling like I'm not going to find anything as good as HER out there. I've only been in 3 relationships the past 7 years and have not really had that much "alone" time. (With the exception of dating a few girls during breaks). To be honest the single life scares the sh*t out of me.

Edited March 15, 2008 by shadowsfall

[carhill]

Heh! I was single (no LTR's) until I met my wife when I was 40. Toileting was not a problem for me

 

I work in the blue collar world and see stuff like this go on all the time with the female office employees taking liberties with the boss/owner or vice-versa. Power is quite an aphrodisiac, as of course are feminine wiles. As someone who had many platonic female friends over my single life, I was privy to numerous stories about workplace "friendships" and the dynamics of what really went on in the back office.

 

Obviously, neither of us knows what's really going on, but her reluctance to leave the workplace (I assume she is widely employable) speaks volumes. Even if she has no interest in the boss, guys like that will keep at it, since there is no downside (short of sexual harassment) for them as they have the power. The result is still going to be toxic to your relationship.

 

Right now, what do you want? What would meet your needs and desires if your relationship with her were to continue? What does she need/desire from you? Define that and see if a compromise can be reached, and if there is still something between you. You've made it clear that you still have strong feelings for her, but what of her perspective?

 

I would only break NC for this agenda. If she's not willing to go there yet, then resume NC and get comfortable with yourself.

 

I'll tell you. I have a close female friend who shared with me one night when her boyfriend was out of town that she's afraid to be alone. She hasn't been alone since she was a teenager (got married young and had kids, now grown) and it's just physically hard to be alone, even when she's in a relationship. Then there's me, who's been alone most of my life, except for the last 9 years I've been with my wife, and I go on as usual when she's gone on business or trips with friends. No biggie. There's a big difference between missing her and being afraid to be alone. That's what I'm talking about. Define that for yourself.

 

Get comfortable with yourself and you'll be in a better position to be with your GF if that's what works out. It sounds like you really love and cherish her, so I hope it does work out.

[City_girl]

Follow your gut, if you feel sooo uncomfortable about this guy then there's a reason. I think you are right on the money but you forgot how bad it felt to be with her because it feels bad to be without her. Only problem is it won't ever get better, she isn't going to change

[shadowsfall]

Obviously, neither of us knows what's really going on, but her reluctance to leave the workplace (I assume she is widely employable) speaks volumes. Even if she has no interest in the boss, guys like that will keep at it, since there is no downside (short of sexual harassment) for them as they have the power. The result is still going to be toxic to your relationship.

 

Right now, what do you want? What would meet your needs and desires if your relationship with her were to continue? What does she need/desire from you? Define that and see if a compromise can be reached, and if there is still something between you. You've made it clear that you still have strong feelings for her, but what of her perspective?

 

I could not agree more Carhill, you truly have some great advice.

 

Even though all the evidence points to cheating emotionally I still have yet to find proof of any physical contact between the two of them. That's what's really hard for me to take, is that I'll never REALLY know if they messed around or not. Many would say that she's done enough damage already and whether or not they fooled around is irrelevant. However a part of me would almost be relieved if I did find out because then I would know that I wasn't crazy or imagining this whole thing between the two of them. I know I should probably just let go of the entire situation but it's eating away at me inside.

 

I completely understand the distinction between being afraid to be alone and missing her. I am 100% positive it is definitely missing her, as she is all I can think about. As far as what I want from her, I definitely need to take time to myself to figure that out. Because from what she's conveying to me through her actions is that she's not ready to give up what I'm asking for. And she's not doing anything to try and win me back. Her response the other night to having a male best friend by the way was, well it doesn't matter what their feelings are what matters is how I deflect them away if they get too close. But she SAYS that he has never made a move on her. Despite all this, from what she tells me she does love and miss me more than anything but she reluctantly mentions anything about a resolution.

 

 

Follow your gut, if you feel sooo uncomfortable about this guy then there's a reason. I think you are right on the money but you forgot how bad it felt to be with her because it feels bad to be without her. Only problem is it won't ever get better, she isn't going to change

 

This is so true. My gut has told me almost the entire the relationship that something IS going on with them. I'm a strong believer in intuition and mine has constantly hovered around discomfort. This really cannot be healthy for me. Then again there's a part of me (others have told me this too) that feels like I caused this by getting so mad at her in the beginning about talking to any male friends. Did I sabotage her into lying to me to protect my feelings? IS it a product of my own internal jealousy? I realize she probably won't change and that I might have to be the bigger person and either accept it or walk away. You said it well, I really have forgot how bad it feels to be with her because my pain is much greater without her around.

 

Thank you both for the responses!

Edited March 16, 2008 by shadowsfall

[carhill]

Regarding the male friend issue, IMO, there has to be trust on both sides and compromise, since you can't reasonably expect her to not have any male friends and she can't reasonably expect you to look the other way when she carries such friendships to extreme, even if platonic.

 

Your story has caused me to rethink my relationship with the above mentioned female friend, because I sense that our interaction is causing her boyfriend distress. I will discuss this with her and get her opinion on how I should proceed. I had this issue with her once prior, many years ago, when she had a quite jealous husband, and I chose to break off the friendship rather than cause any more distress in their marriage. At that time, my interest in her was not platonic, but I kept it so on the surface. Our friendship has evolved over the last quarter century and she and my wife are quite comfortable, but her boyfriend I'm not sure about. I share this with you so you can see the dynamics and interpret your intuition.

 

My best advice is one I follow myself. She'll be with you because she wants to, not because of anything you do or don't do to keep her. Treat her well, communicate with her and take care of yourself and what will be will be. As my wife is a stylist and does business with and is friends with a lot of men, I could not function if I were the jealous type; hence I follow the preceding advice. So far, so good

[shadowsfall]

Regarding the male friend issue, IMO, there has to be trust on both sides and compromise, since you can't reasonably expect her to not have any male friends and she can't reasonably expect you to look the other way when she carries such friendships to extreme, even if platonic.

 

You're absolutely right. However, I believe that this friendship has reached such extreme's that no matter how little contact she commit's too with him, It's going to be extremely hard to trust her again. There's one incident in particular I feel obligated to bring up to back this statement.

 

My ex about 3 months ago felt the need to go out with all her friends and celebrate finishing a school semester. I was rarely ever invited along with her and her friends. So her and her girlfriends go out, but HE and another male friend were invited along. They ended up getting wasted and left the bar to get something to eat. It was already 2a.m. at this time by the way. I called to find out what her plans were going to be so I wouldn't worry about her. She said she was going to spend the night at her gf's house locally. BUT instead of going back home with her girlfriend she CHOSE to drive with HIM and another male friend back to HIS house in L.A. because she wanted to drink more (These 2 guys are allegedly attached at the hip and party every weekend down in L.A.). Keep in mind they were already down the street drinking next to her house so she could of easily went home with one of her girlfriends. She also knew I wanted to see her later that night but this obviously didn't matter to her. SO anyway I was floored when she told me, and she still insisted that this was OK for her to do since she used to spend the night over there sometimes with other friends before we were together. OH and by the way she NEVER called me back to tell me what she was doing that night so I didn't find out about this until 9am the next morning when she was home. THAT right there should of been when I walked away. She honestly believed there was nothing wrong with this! It makes me sick just thinking about it. Does anyone out there believe this type of behavior is ok for someone in a committed relationship? You've gotta be kidding. Sorry to ramble on and on but the more I think about some of the disrespectful things she's put me through with this guy the easier it is to adopt the NC policy for good.

 

As far as my situation helping you reevaluate what's best for your platonic friendship, I really hope it works out for both of you. Since you seem like an intelligent person I'm sure you may have already realized that her bf could be harboring feelings like myself. Although I seriously doubt you and her have done HALF the things that my ex and her supposed platonic friend have done. I wish you the best with that.

Edited March 17, 2008 by shadowsfall

[carhill]

Yeah, it's her lack of caring, candor and honesty that would have me concerned. These are areas where my wife shines, always keeping me apprised of her situation when she's out in the world. She calls without any request on my part and without fail is honest. I never have to worry about her.

 

Yeah, I'm kind of old-fashioned when it comes to women. Too much of a gentleman for my own good. I remember asking my female friend one time recently if I had ever "hit on" her in the 23 years we've known each other and she said, without hesitation, "no". I doubt your SO's friend could say the same. I accept your concerns as my own. They have relevance.

 

You have a decision to make....

[shadowsfall]

I had an extremely rough night last night at the bar with my friends. The drama that unfolded was ridiculous to say the least. I drank way too much and barely remember all the details though. I invited a new girl I'm dating over to have some drinks with my friends and I. WE end up arguing because I got jealous over one of my other friends who she kept talking to (I don't even know why I was doing this, I'm not threatened by any means). She starts dancing with me a little by the juke box and then gets upset because I'm pulling on her too hard or something. Anyway everything escaladed once we left the bar and I was looking to drive myself home. I was in NO condition to drive of course, but still insisted. She took my keys away and we started majorly going at it in front of everyone. She finally got me in the car and drove me almost all the way to my house. She stopped a few blocks away because the arguing got so bad and she eventually kicked me out of her car and told me never to call her again.

 

For some reason I began balling uncontrollably (I rarely ever cry) so I called my ex. She was really concerned about me and started to drive down to make sure I made it home safely because I was drunk out of my mind. I somehow found my way home and she arrived at my house shortly after. Once inside things between us heated up and she ended up staying the night. It felt really great to have her back, even if it was just for a night. However, we didn't talk about any type of resolution to our problems, but she was apologetic for her behavior.

 

Anyway I feel so confused now because I had a great new girl I was dating and I screwed that up. She's a good person and I'm so ashamed of everything that happened last night. As far as my ex goes, I understand If I am to continue things with her that a comfortable 'friend boundary' needs to be set to help restore trust and progress. I really do love this woman and It felt great being with her last night, I can't even describe it. However, NOW my ex is asked me who "xyz was", the girl I'm dating. IT looks like after I passed out last night, this girl called me. Honestly I didn't want to tell her the truth because I believe it would crush her. I mean in reality we were broken up so technically I could see other people. So I actually told her it was a female co-worker. (I know it seems wrong). I hate myself for not being honest about this with her, but I think my business during the break was my business. Same with hers. I'm really worried If I come clean about this girl that it will damage any hope for reconciliation between the two of us.

 

Also, I had to call in sick to work today because I was still drunk when I woke up. Not the best career move either. I can't even describe how exhausted, confused, guilty and awful I feel about everything. I don't know what to do with myself after night's like this.

Edited March 18, 2008 by shadowsfall

[Wheetabix]

I believe there is much more to their "friendship".

 

I'm not sure what's worse, being in an emotional "friendship" or a physical "friendship" but dont kid yourself into thinking what she is telling you about this guy is actually just strictly platonic. She has the option to find another job...she wont because of this "friend/boss of hers. Her relationship with this boss/friend is more important then you or else she would have started looking for another job, unless her job is so unusual that nobody else can do it?!?! which i doubt. I can also tell you that this boss/friend of hers is also playing games with her emotions...as she does with him or else they wouldnt be "fighting" the way they are...and yes, you are right when you said it seems rather odd how they fight, that's becuase it isnt just a "friendship"...there are emotions involved and this is something that will not change UNLESS they both grow-up and realize that their whole friendship is a waist of time and they both need to move on from eachother. In other words she will never be 100% commited to you with this boss/friend in her life. He might be the one she really wants to be withbut is settling for you. I believe she is playing games with both of you.

 

I'm sorry if this all seems rather harsh, but I've been there and done that and I hope you dump her for good and find yourself someone that wants to 100% commit to you and deserves you.

 

Take Care