We tried Poly and Now I'm stuck with a choice

[carrotist]

My fiance and I have been living like husband and wife for about two years now, we plan on legal marriage summer 09. He is bisexual and I am straight. He has only ever slept with me, I've had a few guys before him. We both agreed from rather early on that we would both like to have either an open or polyamorous relationship, not only so that he (and I) would have the ability to experience others, but so that he could scratch his homosexual itch (which is something that I have a bit of a fetish for) and so that we could just have the fun of another as a couple.

 

Last fall we moved in with his best friend, a friend from work we'd known about a year. My fiance had a crush on him, but gave up as it was clear he was straight. However, I developed my own taste for him and, with permission from the fiance, began a sex-friend relationship with him.

 

As is the cliched result, The friend and I began to have feelings for each other, over time we began to love each other. The fiance grudgingly accepted it. After a while though, the friendship between the two began to fail- they just got on each others nerves, mostly the fiance didn't like the boyfriend's habits like sleeping on the couch. A couple times my fiance asked me to break up with the friend, but after seeing how upset that made me, he would back off.

 

Finally this last week the fiance decided it was an either or situation. The fiance or the boyfriend. I love my fiance and have been with him many years, so I accepted this and broke up with the boyfriend, who has taken it as best as can be expected.

 

He also decided that, at least until things calm down, he didnt want to live in the same house as the boyfriend. I have to stay here for university, and he's gone to stay with a friend in another town. So, the result is I'm living with the boyfriend.

 

The problem? the two of us spend all our time hugging and crying because we broke up. We're both in love with each other- and we care about each other so we're trying to comfort each other. And it just hurts more. I would never cheat on my fiance, but I keep trying to come up with ideas for how I could repair this relationship. I'm trying to avoid resentment towards the fiance. I know I love my fiance, if not equally then more than the boyfriend, and we've begun to build a life together. But I can't ignore the fact that the other man I'm in love with has done nothing to warrant break up, and i still want to be with him.

 

Am I fooling myself? Should I really be with the boyfriend, not the fiance? Does anyone have any idea how I should act? Should I just shut up and get over it? It just seems so stupid for two people who love each other to break up when they're still happy together.

 

Just.... any thoughts on this? I'd like to hear some opinions.

 

P.S. I think I should mention that the fiance hasn't gotten to have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet. If that matters at all. I also want to point out that I feel that I was treating the boys equally, perhaps even the fiance a bit better (he got more time with me anyway). Also, the fiance has pre-schizophrenic personality disorder and stress (like from me and the bf) causes worse symptoms.

Please, no blanket judgments on open relationships. They fail and work just as much as monogamous ones. I'm here for advice, not to be lectured on my beliefs. Thanks.

Edited March 15, 2008 by carrotist

[paladin1]

Hmmm... open relationships only work when the strongest feelings exist between the two "committed" people; in this case you and your fiance. The difficulty here, obviously, is the strong feelings you developed for the other partner. Perhaps I'm off base here, not having been involved in an open relationship before; but I would imagine it becomes hard when the initial fiance begins to feel that the feelings you have for the other person rival the feelings you have for him.

The only question you need to answer for sure is which person you have stronger feelings for and want to build a life with. My opinion is that will be very difficult to do when you live with this other person; you don't have enough separation from the situation to make a good decision. Is it possible to find another living situation for at least a few weeks? This will allow you to take a step back and evaluate what you really want.

The fact that he has done nothing to warrant a break up is somewhat irrelevant from the standpoint that, I assume, he was aware that you were in an initial , though open, relationship and that your fiance came first... he had to be aware that this was a possibility. Did you discuss this with the other guy?

 

Now you're stuck with a choice. My advice? Step one, get distance from the person you are living with. Sit down and evaluate who is more important, who you want to have a future with, and who you can live without. Unfortunately at this point, you will likely need to live without one or the other in a relationship. Your fiance is unlikely to allow the relationship to continue.

 

The risk? Resenting your fiance for forcing this choice vs losing your fiance for a relationship with the other guy. You have to decide which risk is better to take.

 

Good luck; this seems like a difficult choice

[SeraBella]

Are you sure your fiance is really open to an open relationship? I mean, from the tale you paint here it seems like he maybe it's more of a fantasy...not really something he liked as it was actually happening. And he doesn't seem mentally stable enough to handle it (few people are).

 

I don't know much about polyamorous relationships, but I guess I was under the impression that everyone involved had some benefits of being in it. This seems more like it was you were the only one who stood to gain anything from both men.

 

I don't know how to help you make a decision but how would you feel if the boyfriend wanted you to end things with fiance? Would you be this upset about it? Which of the two have the same life goals as you? Who can you see yourself growing old with?