AussieJack Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 You tell her with actions. If you want to go out just the two of you then refuse to hang out with her and her daughter. You don't have to be a dick about it, just tell you that you'd prefer to get to know her one-on-one and stand your ground. There's no reason why you have to go along with a situation you don't like. THis is post is what you need - getting warmer - much warmer. Occasionally you may have to bend to suit her situation with her daughter ,however it is time for you to straighen up that spine a bit more and tell her calmly that you are interesed in DATING her. Dating is a two handed games played by adults. Have you hinted that you are ready to be exclusive?
AussieJack Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Try "I'm going xxx this Saturday. I'd love for you to join me". If answer in the negative, then "OK, no worries." Just leave it at that, and then go. . THis is good a good strategy - very good.
Balthazar Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Nu, you must be distant grandson of Job's. I can't believe the patience you are showing. After so much time and effort invested, I hope she turns out to be worth it Nu!
Author NuTuDating Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Well thats because like some one else here tried to point out she is not a completely free women. She can't come and go at will like you can she has responsibility's. I think you don't quite appreciate that fact maybe. I think for a single mom shes doing pretty well far as the dating thing goes here. I see your point, but I've dated single mothers in the past who had no issues finding something to do with the children for an entire night so that we didn't have to cut dates short or take them with us. I don't see how that's too much to ask for once in a while. Yes I agree with this! I don't think this relationship has much future honestly. Because of? I think you would be happier with a single unattached women at the end of the day just from what I'm seeing in this thread. Not trying to rude here please don't take this the wrong way but if anyones a bit clueless here it sounds like you when it comes to dating a women with kids. Yeah, I probably would be happier with a single woman with no children, if they existed within a 50 mile radius.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 [/b] I see your point, but I've dated single mothers in the past who had no issues finding something to do with the children for an entire night so that we didn't have to cut dates short or take them with us. I don't see how that's too much to ask for once in a while. Every ones different and every one has different priorities and perhaps her daughter will always be higher then her dating life which is what it kinda sounds like a little now. So if thats the case then honestly yes it is to much for you to ask of her in her eyes. Maybe those other women put themselves over there kids or maybe they just managed it all better I don't know I'm not them. You need to not think about other women now and think about the situation your in with this one. You cant change her priorities if there set you will only come out the loser in the end if you push it anyways. Because of? I think your next comment below answers this question best in your own words lets have a look.. Yeah, I probably would be happier with a single woman with no children, if they existed within a 50 mile radius. Because your settling for less then what would make you truly happy in a dating/relationship situation. In my experience relationships formed out of some one settling for less then they would really like don't work in the long run. Also just to clear something up for you maybe your not settling for her as a women she may be everything you want great. But your settling for the situation that women is in and how shes handling it if that makes any sense. You your self say if you could find a unattached single quality women you would be happier no? Look don't settle just because you think you cant find a better fitting situation/person for you. And don't feel bad ether you tried its just not working or is it are you happy? or are you settling? and growing unhappy with each date? honestly maybe I'm wrong?
Author NuTuDating Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Again, if I were in Austin or Dallas where there are literally tens of thousands of single, childless women, I'd probably agree with you 100%. Since I'm NOT in an area with an abundance of single, childless women, there's not much I can do about that except not date at all. You're probably right about settling for the situation, but not the woman herself.
Author NuTuDating Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Nu, you must be distant grandson of Job's. I can't believe the patience you are showing. After so much time and effort invested, I hope she turns out to be worth it Nu! I think we'll find out this week. Her daughter is going to her dad's for spring break Wednesday and won't be back until Sunday.
dreamergrl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Quite a few single mom's (and dad's) aren't quick to show attachment. They are cautious because it's not just their life that the relationship involves, it's their child's life too. A single parent doesn't want to get to close to someone if that person isn't going to work in their family situation. She's thinking about her kid as well, not just herself. She wants to make sure it's a good environment for her daughter. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, put yourself in the kid's shoes for a moment... can you imagine new people coming in and out of your life because of your parent dating? It's not always easy for some kids to deal with. I think she may fear picking another wrong guy again - and bringing that wrong guy into her life again. Yes, everyone has that fear of getting close to someone, but that fear is times ten when you're responsible for another life. Give her some time. Talk to her about the alone time - but be gentle about it, and make sure she knows that you also don't mind spending time with the daughter as well.
Author NuTuDating Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Quite a few single mom's (and dad's) aren't quick to show attachment. They are cautious because it's not just their life that the relationship involves, it's their child's life too. A single parent doesn't want to get to close to someone if that person isn't going to work in their family situation. She's thinking about her kid as well, not just herself. She wants to make sure it's a good environment for her daughter. There's nothing wrong with that. Also, put yourself in the kid's shoes for a moment... can you imagine new people coming in and out of your life because of your parent dating? It's not always easy for some kids to deal with. I think she may fear picking another wrong guy again - and bringing that wrong guy into her life again. Yes, everyone has that fear of getting close to someone, but that fear is times ten when you're responsible for another life. Give her some time. Talk to her about the alone time - but be gentle about it, and make sure she knows that you also don't mind spending time with the daughter as well. That was helpful, thanks!
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 You tell her with actions. If you want to go out just the two of you then refuse to hang out with her and her daughter. You don't have to be a dick about it, just tell you that you'd prefer to get to know her one-on-one and stand your ground. There's no reason why you have to go along with a situation you don't like. The other thing is, has she thought of the effect this is having on her daughter?
Author NuTuDating Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 The other thing is, has she thought of the effect this is having on her daughter? She's been divorced for about three years, and she's only had one other guy meet her daughter. But yeah, her daughter and I get along great, so that seems like that should be an issue as well for her.
dreamergrl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 The other thing is, has she thought of the effect this is having on her daughter? I think she is thinking about her daughter. Her daughter has every right to find out if she is comfortable with the man coming into their lives too. I'm not saying that no one on one time is needed - but this relationship has to work for all three of them. I grew up with divorced parents... my mom always chose to keep me involved - and made sure that I was safe and was comfortable with who she chose to be married too. My father took the other route, he chose to put his new wife first - and his new wife ended up showing me she did not care for me (after they got married) - and my dad allowed it. Needless to say, I have a great relationship with my mom, and a bad one with my dad. When I was nine my step mom was pregnant and had to go off her meds - she lost her temper with me - it wasn't a good situation. I think every single parent has a different way of dating. Some are more cautious then others, some don't care. I think this is just her way of making sure she's doing the right thing.
StartingOver07 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 First off, I think AussieJack is spot on. Second: all this talk about the daughter/package deals/etc. is a red herring. Of course if there is a child, mom will put the child first. But that is in broad brush terms; it does not mean that there should never be times when mom puts herself first, or even her SO first. Now, I understand it is early days and you are not the SO, but I don't see how you can ever get there if you have to date the daughter as well as the mother. I dated when I was a single mom and I did not let a man meet my children until I was darned sure the relationship was going to last. This was for two reasons. One was that I did not want my children to potentially attach to someone who would not be in their lives for any length of time. Another was that I wanted to be able to see if the man was right for me first. More to the point: although I was a single mom, I was nonetheless an adult woman and, as such, wanted to "grow" a relationship with an adult man. This cannot be accomplished with a child at the table (literally or figuratively). I don't like that this woman uses her daughter as the reason to end her dates, etc. It's not fair to you or to the daughter, and I suspect it is just that -- an excuse. Single moms are just like anyone else in that when something is important, they find a way to do it. Yes, occasionally a date has to be cut short or cancelled, but this is the exception, not the rule. Does it bear mentioning that, at 13, the daughter is capable of being home on her own? Many kids are babysitting by that age. In ay case, I don't think you need to play games but I do think you need to make it clear -- in whatever way suits your personal style -- that you are looking for an adult r/s with her first and foremost. If she is not interested in that, she needs to tell you so. And if she is, she needs to take action to allow it to happen.
Author NuTuDating Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Not to sound cold, but it's not really my job to make sure that she thinks of her daughter at this point, so that discussion's not really pertinent, since I'm not going to tell her how to raise her daughter. She's pretty much done that already.
City_girl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I have to agree with Carhill here, she's not sure about you at all and the way things look, if you got one kiss at the end of the night it 's not a good sign it's an obligatory kiss to keep you around. I was a single parent and always looked forward to meeting my boo and spending time alone with him. I needed to make love to him because I had the emotions and had to express .. Really sorry NU but I think you are setting yourself up for a fall
Author NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 hate to say it, but I told you so? No, that's fine. If there's a fall going to happen, it will be this week, when her daughter is not around to be used as an excuse. I've given her the benefit of the doubt for a month, and that's about my limit.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Yup. Time for her to either sh*it or get off the pot.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Yup. Time for her to either sh*it or get off the pot. I agree shes been kinda standoffish but what is it exactly that NuTu wants here? I just don't get the feeling its a simple sleep over and some making out cuddling. To be blunt I think he wants sex at this point I don't think shes up for that just yet is that wrong of her? Like I've said I just don't see this going in a mutually happy direction at this point. So just curious will you break up with her if there is no sex while her daughter is away NuTu?
DetroitGirl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Get rid of her. The child is old enough to stay home alone for a couple of hours. Mom is using her child as a "blocker". Do you pay for everything? It seems as though she may just be a user. She has issues. Most mothers wouldn't dream of bringing their daughter out with a man they are just getting to know. I would be very careful of this one.
Author NuTuDating Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Spanks - I've already mentioned I'm not out to just get laid. I would like to kiss her for more than a minute or two. As I've mentioned, when she brings her daughter, it's like I'm dating someone in a glass jar. I don't feel comfortable touching her or showing her affection in front of her daughter. Do people not make out on the couch anymore? Am I that out of touch with modern dating? Geez. DetroitGirl - she does pay for things. She's paid for the movies once and dinner once on two separate dates.
Legend Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 NuTu, I'd advise just going all out. Show her your affection in front of the daughter. Be WHO you are. You're already planning on it not panning out, and ending soon. So what else do you have to lose Give it a shot man......be a man...do it.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 22, 2008 Posted March 22, 2008 Get rid of her. The child is old enough to stay home alone for a couple of hours. Mom is using her child as a "blocker". Do you pay for everything? It seems as though she may just be a user. She has issues. Most mothers wouldn't dream of bringing their daughter out with a man they are just getting to know. I would be very careful of this one. I wouldn't leave my 13 year old alone while I went out on dates and I'd hope allot of people agree. Thats the age they are most likely to get them selves into even more serious trouble if left to their own devices for any length of time. But again this just illustrates what I was saying about different people and there values and priorities I guess. I think the mom is smart to envolve the child to see if her and the possible new man will mesh well before she get overly involved I give her credit. I know my mom didn't give me the same respect or bother to think of me. When she was ruining around with some real winners who ended up just seeing me as in the way. And not treating me very well but guess who mom choose not me that still bothers me to this day good for her putting her child 1st I say. Spanks - I've already mentioned I'm not out to just get laid. I would like to kiss her for more than a minute or two. As I've mentioned, when she brings her daughter, it's like I'm dating someone in a glass jar. I don't feel comfortable touching her or showing her affection in front of her daughter. Do people not make out on the couch anymore? Am I that out of touch with modern dating? Geez. Well you may have said that but some of the other things you have said make me think other wise sorry if I'm wrong on it. Like when you finally did get a night alone and a nice long kiss you went happy thats what I mean by that. I see I'm kinda coming in late at this point on this thread here I wonder how things ended up with NuTu and the women NuTu did it work out? DetroitGirl - she does pay for things. She's paid for the movies once and dinner once on two separate dates.
carhill Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 I don't feel comfortable touching her or showing her affection in front of her daughter. Why? Do you think that physical (non-sexual) affection between adults who care about each other is inappropriate? Why not set a good example for her daughter about what a healthy, loving relationship can be? IME, kids pick up on their parents moods and, if showing your affection for her mom makes mom happy, then she'll like that, especially if it is measured and not pervasive. IOW, not to the point where she feels she's having to compete for mom's affection. Part of being a mature adult is striking that balance and being sensitive to the child but not ruled by the child. The child is not the center of the family. Or so I assert
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