ahotmess Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 So completely out of the blue, I met the most incredible man! The chemistry is so real...and I really dig him. I am single and have no children. He was really up front and honest with me about his situation. He has been seperated from his wife for a year now. He recently moved into a house with the children...and the W moved out of state. He is struggling to make ends meet financially, and says that is the only reason they haven't gotten a divorce yet. I would like some perspective on dating a "seperated-single father"????
guessjeans Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) RUN! yep..dont walk, but RUN! Tell him to look you up once he has his "emotional decree"! Only a year? Just wait until she finds out about you! The _____will hit the fan! He isnt getting a divorce yet because he doesnt want a divorce yet. Its only been a year. The separation phase is meant to be a period where ppl use it to reflect on whats at stake, what will be lost..can it work out..do i really miss my life i had with that another person? All of these emotions, the feeling of guilt for the failure of the marriage..and you feel that especially when there are children involved. This man is just beginning to go through his journey to recovery. He is lonely, alone, probably hasnt had sex in awhile...and you are more than eager to fix all that ales him right now. This is what they call a transitational relationship...a part of his growing and learning curve back to emotional health. You, in all probabilities, will be used for what exactly he needs right now. Sex, and companionship..and perhaps a babysitter. You are fooling yourself to think that this man can ever offer you anything more than a short term fix. You will fall for him and his kids, his kids might even get attached to you, and you will find that he will come to a point where he will have his "crash and burn" phase..and believe me, it hasnt happened yet! He will wonder about his marriage, if its repairable..oh, i know, he swears its over..he would never go back..she has someone else now..even if thats true..she herself, is in a rebound relationship too..and that will crash and burn too. If you want to be used as a short term fix...his distraction..he bandaid, then consider the relationship as it is..and thats just companionship and friendship and sex. Anything other than that, will be investing in a time bomb that will eventually, blow up in your heart...trust me. A lot of us on here have been there, done that..and it almost always, ends the same. Edited March 14, 2008 by guessjeans
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 If you like this guy, TAKE IT SLOWLY. Keep in mind that his 3 kids will always come first, no matter what. Don't be in a rush to meet his kids. Get to know him better...Make sure that he is infact separated and isn't just having 'little' problems with his wife, and she's off (never say never) in a mental institution getting help, or in Rehab somewhere.. It takes a very special person to walk into a kid already made family, so ask yourself can you picture a relationship with him AND his kids? Being in their lives, possibly being a role model/stepmom to his children? I hope he has been honest and upfront with you.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t146996/ Here's a new thread that just started in the dating section that you might be interested in..
Blue Eyed Brain Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 You are very much ready to find someone great and he isn't even out of the gate. He's going to go through a ton of stuff before he's ready. He'll want sex and you may want it to, but you will become emotional and he will stay compartmentalized. If you proceed, which I think will only hurt you, proceed with extreme caution. Those road blocks, orange cones and "BEWARE" signs are everywhere. Read them.
Gunny376 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 You've gotten some really good advice from the LS Ladies here ~ thought I would chide in. Having been married, gone through a separation, a divorce, financial problems, being a father, etc. I can honestly say that if your were my daughter? I would councel you to move on and keep looking. While I agree that if you meet someone ~ and they have 9 out 10 of your pre-qulaification ~ but no real "chemistry" then nine out ten times ~ you're not going to make it as a couple. However? The exact oppossite holds true ~ if you've got chemistry ~ but he meets onlly a minimum of pre-qualifiers? Less than five? Then you're probally aren't going to make it as a couple either? And as someone who's never been a Mom? Whooowheeee! Especially if the children have been raised with little discipline and are prime canidates for Nanny911? Relationships? Easy to get into, but can be hard to maintain and even harder to get out of? Tread likely. What is more? You're always going to play second fiddle to the children ~ by default? School, after-school-activities, sports, illness, accidents, etc. Financial troubles? Its very easy for someone to get themseleves into financial trouble in a very short period of time? But it takes years upon years to dig yourself out of? I doubt seriously that this guy even knows where to start? (And the way he probally got himself in trouble was he made financial decisions based upon twon incomes ~ and is now confronted with paying them off with just the one income ~ what is more? He's probally not receiving any support from the mother ~ and never will? Ninety percent of non-custodial mothers never pay a dime in child support? Talk about "dead-beat" Dads?! A qualification? Ninety percent of Mothers get custody of some sort, and get child support of "some sort" The ninety percent of "dead-beat" Mom's I'm talking about? Is the one out nine of the 10% of non-custodial mothers ~ and many of them have medical, mental, emotional disorders that prevent them from getting custody to begin with?) A side story? I knew of a couple that got married. He had custody of his three chilren ~ she had custody of her two children. They got married? During their first year of marriage? She got Pregno? With twins! That's right? Seven children all under the age of ten! Personally? I don't date "seperated" ~ either "you is married or you's isn't!" Just that plain and simple. What is more? I probally wouldn't date someone who's only been divorce less than a year (perfer at least two) after the ink is good and dried on the divorce papers. However? Should you against such "august" advice decide "Damn the torpedoes, FULL SPEED AHEAD!" ~ I would suggest you and he go slow, real slow, walking through a mine field slow! Did I say slow? I'm talking "Andy Griffin and Hellen Crump" slow! Don't rush to meet the children! Don't rush to get involved with them too quickly. The younger they are the more attached they become to you, and I'm talking about babies and toddles here? They know there's a "parential void" in there lives ~ and they're very anxious to fill it! They're babies, toddlers, and children ~ they're not STUPID! I had two young boys bond and attach to me ~ or wanted to of a woman that had just gone through a divorce! And all I did was sell her a car?
underpants Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Oh yea, Proceed with extreme caution. I've witnessed this with a friend. I even 'played' with it once but wised up real quick. He is so ready, he may not be ready. Have you two discussed ...uncomfortable things? If you can muster it...be his friend ONLY until the D is final and then 6 or so more months. If he is a good one he will work through his stuff. I'd be wary or at least have that 'okay' mindset that you know that it might not work out. My .02
Touche Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Too many generalizations here. I was separated only 3 days from my ex when I met my H. It wasn't because i didn't want to be divorced. It was required BY LAW that I be separated 6 months before marying again. Some states require one year. I for one, don't believe in "rebound" and "transitional" relationships...hogwash. If you choose a wise and mature person who knows what they want and has learned from their mistakes, there's no such thing. All that being said...RUN, don't walk! I say that because I smell excuses on his end. Trust me, if he's past any required period of separation and isn't going for it, he's just making excuses. People who don't have the money get divorced every day. Where there's a will there's a way. Tell him that when his divorce is filed, you'll be happy to go out with him.
Curmudgeon Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 All that being said...RUN, don't walk! I say that because I smell excuses on his end. Trust me, if he's past any required period of separation and isn't going for it, he's just making excuses. People who don't have the money get divorced every day. Where there's a will there's a way. Tell him that when his divorce is filed, you'll be happy to go out with him. I know from my own experience that until the divorce papers were signed, sealed and delivered, a process that took almost two years because the ex wouldn't make necessary decisions, I didn't consider myself available to anyone else. It also took some months after that before I felt ready to consider a bit of a social life. I agree that if he was really ready and eager to be divorced he would be divorced. Money isn't always the deterrant, as in my case. The ex had wiped out what bank accounts we had so I ended up representing myself while she, ultimately, had two attgorneys on "my" dime. Not the best way get through a divorce but I got the job done and wasn't too badly burned in the process. Running might be a good idea or, you could make it a dignified stroll or a strategic advance to the rear. However you manage it, put some distance between the two of you until it's all over and done with.
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