Tatara Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 For the same reason and what is that reason? confidence? Asking an insecure woman to be secure is like asking a dog to meow like a cat. She can try through counseling, books, support groups, friends. But at the end of the day most of the time it doesn't work, its a part of who she is. Dismissing this personality trait or telling her to change and live with it is not much different then marrying a scientist and expecting them to become an artist. I'm not saying the men have no say in this either, but if the end result becomes "I'm not giving it up, live with it" then that is unacceptable IMO, and a better compromise needs to be made if the relationship is going to flourish. Perhaps a third (unbiased) party needs to be introduced to the arguement to aid in the discussion if both sides are having trouble understanding each other.
PandorasBox Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 "I can tell you from personal experience that ist really sucks to have sex with someone who is only doing it out of some bizarre sense of obligation to you." I also can relate to this. I felt that with with my EX H. Why? Because he felt some sort of obligation to help me out at times with things around the house or whatever. It could have been something really simple, and he acted like it about killed him to do it. You could tell it was a real chore for him to take the trash out, etc, etc. So after years of trying to tell him and show him how I felt and what I wanted or needed from him and the relationship, he just either didn't get it, or didn't care. My guess is maybe a little of both. So resentment built up for me, and since it was such a obligation for him to do much, it became a "obligation" for me in the sex department. I felt used and taken advantage of. I had, had enough, and with me in IC, and him not wanting to go to MC and at least put forth an effort in making things work, that is part of the reason for why he is now an EX. But thats just me.
Tatara Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 (edited) I see big red flags in your post above. You keep saying "give him sex" - like you don't want it yourself? I mean, if you don't want it, don't do it. I can tell you from personal experience that it really sucks to have sex with someone who is only doing it out of some bizarre sense of obligation to you. That "duty sex" is really a total turn off. You want someone to have sex with you not only because you desire them - but because THEY desire YOU and THEY want to do it with you.The effect will be the same if she gives him sex without her wanting it or if she just doesn't have sex with him at all. He won't be satisfied with his sex life, which is what she is trying to accomplish because she feels the porn is satisfying his sex life for him. (which it isn't, obviously) But Jolene, in the end only trouble can come of you cooping up who you really are and how you really feel because as he becomes less satisfied with his sex life you are going to be the one he will start to disconnect from. He won't put 2 and 2 together to realize the porn use is making you act how you are and hence affecting his sex, he will just slowly pull away and your relationship will suffer. Edited March 18, 2008 by Tatara
blind_otter Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Ultimately, I see in this thread, and your other thread about step parenting - that you and your H are talking, but not communicating anything. You have indicated that he is passive aggressive, overly sensitive, and unwilling to compromise. Of course we only hear one side of the story here -- as always. And you have indicated, in the other thread, that you know he will not agree to MC. So at this point, I don't know what to tell you -- what I would normally advise, you have already said he would not agree to (have you brought this up already and this was his response, or are you assuming this would be his reaction?) It just seems like you are looking for reasons to end this marriage. Ultimately, if you want to get out - you can and should. But the person who needs to decide that is you. this and other porn threads have made me think that you should really just know what you're getting into when you marry someone , and find someone who has compatible tastes. There are people who don't mind porn. There are people who DO. And from what I read on here - never the twain shall meet. And for the record I think it's a moot point to argue whether porn is objectively OK or not. It's there, people use it, so at this point - it is what it is.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 and what is that reason? confidence? Asking an insecure woman to be secure is like asking a dog to meow like a cat. She can try through counseling, books, support groups, friends. But at the end of the day most of the time it doesn't work, its a part of who she is. Dismissing this personality trait or telling her to change and live with it is not much different then marrying a scientist and expecting them to become an artist. I'm not saying the men have no say in this either, but if the end result becomes "I'm not giving it up, live with it" then that is unacceptable IMO, and a better compromise needs to be made if the relationship is going to flourish. Perhaps a third (unbiased) party needs to be introduced to the arguement to aid in the discussion if both sides are having trouble understanding each other. This is why I picked a secure woman to marry. I can't deal with insecure women who projects their issues on a man.
PandorasBox Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 This is why I picked a secure woman to marry. I can't deal with insecure women who projects their issues on a man. That's good Woggle. But, remember, it can work both ways. Men can be insecure, and project their issues onto women as well.
Woggle Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 That's good Woggle. But, remember, it can work both ways. Men can be insecure, and project their issues onto women as well. Of course but we tell them to grow up and stop being so insecure. Women need to be told the same.
Tatara Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 This is why I picked a secure woman to marry. I can't deal with insecure women who projects their issues on a man. Congratulations! I'm glad you are happy and were informed when you chose your spouse. Of course but we tell them to grow up and stop being so insecure. Women need to be told the same. I'll work on telling my dog to meow while I'm at it.
JerseyShortie Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I agree, and most men wonder why we don't have quite the sex drives they do. We need to feel "sexy" to want to have sex. How can we feel sexy if we know your fantasys involve drop dead gorgeous young girls who live to serve you sexually, lesbians, threesomes and orgies when we resemble none of those things and will never be able to resemble any of those things? And if we dare disobey them by trying to communicate our pain/insecuritys about it, they fly off the wire and protect it at all costs. Point is, how could you be happy offering him a simple ice cream cone when you know he is longing for a banana split? EXACTLY. Men shoot themselves in the foot. They want their own woman to be more sexual adventurous but how do they expect us to feel safe in doing that with them when they don't want to do the thing that make us feel safe and secure in the relationship? I give up anyway, it is NEVER enough for men and when you try to please them because it makes you happy to do so as well, they screw you over and STILL need/want to look at porn. There is no point in trying to make him happy because the thanks you get is him looking at more porn. This why I don't even understand why men have relationships since it's not like they even really care about their SO as much as they care about their porn. This is why I picked a secure woman to marry. I can't deal with insecure women who projects their issues on a man. I'm am sorry but I have seen your posts and you project alot of your insecurities onto women. And if you don't think that a woman in 2008 who has had her fair share of relationships with men that time after time after time basically are lookinag porn of all implanted, young women, isn't going to cause insecurity within a relationship, you clearly aren't beling logical or very reasonable about human nature. It seems the only human nature men want to understand is the sexual one, But the completely forget that negative reactiosn to them and their porn is also completely natural. it is truly pathetic the amount of men that defend porn and basically don't see enough value in real women to stick up for them once-in-awhile. Kudos.
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