Jolene Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 My husband watched porn before he met me. He didn't have a lot of relationships, but he's a good looking guy and I wondered why he was never previously married even though when I met him I was 34, divorced, and he was perfectly single at the age of 37. He didn't tell me he had a box of porn in his basement. In fact he made me think he wasn't really into that. After we married, on two separate occasions, I found a secret stash of porn videos. The second finding was more recent and quite less significant in quantity. Because he was "hiding" it, I finally said okay....I can't always be there. He can't always be there for me either. Part of our sexual relationship is emotional and part of it is physical. Since he is determined to hide the pornography, insisting that his physical needs must be met, I said let's just go downtown to one of the sex shops and buy some movies and toys for each other, put them in a box and when it's appropriate (alone in his case), we have an outlet instead of allowing ourselves to succumb to pent up sexual tension in our relationship. Previously, I would never "okay" this in my previous relationships, but I started to think I was unreasonable to expect my husband to depend on me for sex all the time when I have certain times of the month, I can sick, I get tired and I'll be the first to say I'm not always there more than once a week (sometimes I'm there for him more than twice a week, but you know, we are busy people and all that). So, am I doing the humane thing here? If he feels he has to hide it, I think that's more of a problem than having it out in the open. I personally don't get much out of watching most porn, but I do understand that a lot of men get a charge out of it, the visual and the imagination of the fantasy. So, have I unleashed the insatiable monster within or is this just a small toy in a large playground we call our marriage??? I'd rather give him pornography than have him resent me and go outside the marriage later on. But I have to admit....the thought of him indulging himself to the typical porn of young pretty sleazy subservient slutty females makes me lose respect for him to a degree. I know it's what he is used to before me, but he did get married, right? I dunno, maybe it's harmless. He doesn't seem to want to share this experience "together" either, which enforces my fear that he is capable of cheating. I have had to face that fear anyway....but I didn't want to have to deal with this and that is why before I found his porn and before we were married, the thought that he was not into porn was a highlight and testimonial to what I thought was good respectable character. I was wrong and now I am forced to deal with it. At the very least, I have reduced myself to his friend...understanding, accepting him and allowing him to feel the freedom of choice instead of feeling resentful and trapped in marriage and depending on and waiting for me to fulfill his physical needs all the time. I think it would suffice to say that for men, sex is much more of a physical need than an emotional one. So that's why I just said the heck with it.
tanbark813 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 sex is much more of a physical need than an emotional one Well yes, but that's only partially accurate. Masturbating is purely physical. Sex with an SO is physical and emotional. Masturbation alone will not entirely satisfy a man's sexual needs.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 As long as his masterbating and porn doesn't get in the way of your sex life, or he's choosing porn over you, then there's nothing wrong with him taking the matter into his own hands...
carhill Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Adding, all men are different, and this occurs at the brain organization level. Big wide highway of variables. Further discussion might be best limited to the sexual health area I think my mom had the best attitude about porn. She ignored it (the Hustler mags under the bed) when she cleaned my room. Never a positive or negative word about it. Therefore, I've never been ashamed about it or how I react to or use it. No hiding. OP, talk to your husband in a reasonable fashion about it. Having a porn stash (legal porn that is) isn't determinative of character or respect. I'll bet he is quite loving, respectable and of good character. For the vast majority of such men, it's just a fantasy tool for personal sexual satisfaction; no more, no less, and is no reflection on you. My wife has hundreds of romance novels laying around and reads them all the time. Is this female porn? Pretty steamy stuff As long as I'm not tripping over them, I could care less. That's her personal private time. Good luck!
JackJack Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Well each to their own...and yes, I have looked at my share of porn, vids and mags...however maybe since I had seen so much of it over the years, that's a reason I really don't care for it now. Yes, my wife and I have watched it together before, but its just not something that does alot for me. If it does for others, fine. I think this part of your post is what bothers me the most........... At the very least, I have reduced myself to his friend...understanding, accepting him and allowing him to feel the freedom of choice instead of feeling resentful and trapped in marriage and depending on and waiting for me to fulfill his physical needs all the time. I think it would suffice to say that for men, sex is much more of a physical need than an emotional one. So that's why I just said the heck with it. Because it comes across as you compromising what you really believe in, or what you really feel. Its good to make sacrifices for our spouses etc, but its not good when we go against something we feel strongly about or are doing it just because. If you are truly ok with it, fine, but if its not really how you feel, then WHY go with something you feel is hurting you?
Author Jolene Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Because it comes across as you compromising what you really believe in, or what you really feel. Its good to make sacrifices for our spouses etc, but its not good when we go against something we feel strongly about or are doing it just because. If you are truly ok with it, fine, but if its not really how you feel, then WHY go with something you feel is hurting you? Because it will hurt me more to have my spouse resent me for what he thinks is an unreasonable request to make him depend on me and me only. Have I been trying to control him by expecting him to give up or avoid looking at porn? No matter how much it hurts me to think that another woman who he is clearly lusting over the sight of can be a substitute for me, it will hurt far more to be the recipient of his resentment and underhanded or subconscious hostility at feeling controlled and denied of what he thinks is a very biological and simple need to masturbate. He also says it doesn't bother him if I look at hot naked guys. I'm just wondering if I can get used to it, so I'm willing to live with it like a small annoyance....it's like a spider in your bedroom -- you know it's there, but you don't know when you'll come face to face with it and you don't know if you'll ever get over that irresistable urge to kill it if you do bump into it. I hope that it will not affect the way he treats me in the long run. In fact, I was hoping he'd really appreciate me bringing it out into the open. Truth be told, I worry that allowing it today means being completely substituted tomorrow...like, we're not getting any younger. The older I get, I wonder and worry if he will prefer the porn over me. I've tried to keep him happy, but I simply cannot have sex every single day, and I've tried but I just cannot do it. I am not a man and so I don't really understand or know what to expect. That's why I am here talking. I've tried to talk to him, but he's passive-aggressive and hasn't yet learned to overcome his fear of confrontation so he makes discussing things very uncomfortable, difficult and aggravating. I just wish I knew how the male psyche thinks on this topic so I can know if I should worry about his use of porn when I am not around or what? I am an attractive woman with a good job and a lot of things to be greatful for...and because my husband likes to watch porn I don't know if it really fundamentally changes anything as long as he is still wanting to have sex with me and not preferring the fantasy world.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Has his porn and masterbating gotten in the way of your sex life? Is he less attentive to YOUR needs? Has porn made him distant in bed, less attached and emotional? This is fine if it's under control, and the quality of your sex hasn't changed...BUT, if he is doing this alot, it DOES affect his performance in bed. His touches, how sensitive he is to your touch, how long it takes for him to cum either by handjobs, blowjobs or penetration itself. He could easily get used to his own hand and the intensity of fantasy/porn masterbation brings is different than sex with a spouse.
carhill Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 The older I get, I wonder and worry if he will prefer the porn over me. I've tried to keep him happy, but I simply cannot have sex every single day, and I've tried but I just cannot do it. He's filling in. Again, no reflection on his feelings for you. BTW, there's a big wide highway of porn types too. Don't think guys just fantasize over the young nubile females. Far from it.
Author Jolene Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Has his porn and masterbating gotten in the way of your sex life? Is he less attentive to YOUR needs? Has porn made him distant in bed, less attached and emotional? This is fine if it's under control, and the quality of your sex hasn't changed...BUT, if he is doing this alot, it DOES affect his performance in bed. His touches, how sensitive he is to your touch, how long it takes for him to cum either by handjobs, blowjobs or penetration itself. He could easily get used to his own hand and the intensity of fantasy/porn masterbation brings is different than sex with a spouse. Do tell.....I don't worry about him substituting me and treating me different right away, but later on when I am in menopause or later then I suspect it's a fifty fifty that he'll immerse into that world of forget about your wife. The million dollar question....is masturbating to porn a more intense orgasm?? If he does it too much, will he be less hard when I get him in real life?? Will he be more rough and less emotional? Not that he's ever been overly emotional in the first place ha ha. Anyway, if porn masturbation is different, how is it different and is it different in a disturbing way? I really just thought it was very big of me to approach him on the subject and show him that he is accepted for who he is. But I'm scared of what I've done....like gambling and losing. What if he does prefer porn over me? I'll never know. Guess I'll have to get over it.
JackJack Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 What if he does prefer porn over me? I'll never know. Guess I'll have to get over it. If he ever did prefer it over you....you probably would be able to tell. It would be all he wanted to do....he would become decensitizsed to you...and only be able to "get off" to porn and women on a screen instead of a real human body. "Getting over it" seems cynical, and that you're just settling because you feel its just the way it is or has to be.....I think IMO you need to really talk to him and communicate things. You say you think he will resent you......I say you might resent him (if not already to a point) if its not talked about.
Author Jolene Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) If he ever did prefer it over you....you probably would be able to tell. It would be all he wanted to do....he would become decensitizsed to you...and only be able to "get off" to porn and women on a screen instead of a real human body. When does it or does it automatically take a pivotal direction toward the fantasy world directly proportional to the time it takes for a woman to age, become less physically and biologically attractive and therefore turning the man more and more toward the self-gratification of pornography. You know, since that's what turns him on....the visual right? Like, on one hand I understand that he has needs and will fill those needs without my help from time to time. However, the other side of the coin is that by inviting pornography into my home, have I just unleashed the reality that little by little, he's going to reject me as I age biologically? If it's all about the visual, I am okay for now.....but I'm not always going to be a hottie. hmmm....what pretell does happen as we age? It's scary to think about. Edited March 14, 2008 by Jolene changes
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 But don't the boxes you found attest that he is he already watching porn, only behind your back? I don't see then why your sex life would change. If it does, then you can renegociate a compromise that works better for both of you. I think you're doing it the right thing. You're integrating more of how he experiences sexuality into the relationship. You might be surprised to find your level of intimacy actually improves.
tanbark813 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 This is fine if it's under control, and the quality of your sex hasn't changed...BUT, if he is doing this alot, it DOES affect his performance in bed. His touches, how sensitive he is to your touch, how long it takes for him to cum either by handjobs, blowjobs or penetration itself. He could easily get used to his own hand and the intensity of fantasy/porn masterbation brings is different than sex with a spouse. No offense, WWIU, but if you don't have a penis, how the hell would you know? IME, there's a sweet spot in terms of masturbation before sex. Masturbate just before sex and it will take longer to cum and the erection won't be as strong. Don't masturbate for a week and then have sex and you'll last all of 10 seconds. He'd have to masturbate a hell of a lot to have a severe, negative effect on his performance in bed. I can only answer the following for myself, but: The million dollar question....is masturbating to porn a more intense orgasm?? No. If he does it too much, will he be less hard when I get him in real life?? Only if he does it in excess. See my response to WWIU. Will he be more rough and less emotional? No idea about the roughness but surely less emotional. Masturbation is not emotional at all. Anyway, if porn masturbation is different, how is it different and is it different in a disturbing way? See my first response to your post.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 No offense, WWIU, but if you don't have a penis, how the hell would you know No offense taken.. I guess what I meant was, visually speaking if he gets used to wacking off to porn, it changes how he reacts to the real thing. Ask anyone who is dealing with a porn addict this question.
tanbark813 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 No offense taken.. I guess what I meant was, visually speaking if he gets used to wacking off to porn, it changes how he reacts to the real thing. Ask anyone who is dealing with a porn addict this question. The husband in question in this thread isn't a porn addict. Like I said, you have to masturbate a hell of a lot for it to negatively impact your sex life.
blair08 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) I say, do whatever you feel is right in your mind or that you're comfortable with. I do feel that there are a few reasons why people view porn and sometimes it has nothing to do with their spouse. 1. to see fantasies acted out. 2. to simply aid in masterbation. 3. to avoid sexual intimacy in a relationship. If its number 3 or gets to be number 3 at some point, then there is a real problem, and that is when it DOES have to do with their spouse. I think it can be healthy in some realtionships, but it can also hinder intimacy in some relationships too. How is your marriage outside of the bedroom? Edited March 14, 2008 by blair08
mysocalledlife Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 So he was hiding it and gave you the impression he wasn't really into right from the beginning, right? Do you know what his family's attitude is to porn? How about his friends? Where he has such difficulty talking about it, I really wonder if he is super embarassed about it, and just isn't ready / capable yet to discuss it with you or share it with you. Like many of the other posters, I feel that if things are otherwise okay in the relationship, including in bed, then a reasonable amount of porn is fine - whether by guy or girl. "Everything in moderation".
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 The husband in question in this thread isn't a porn addict. Like I said, you have to masturbate a hell of a lot for it to negatively impact your sex life. ....is masturbating to porn a more intense orgasm?? But if he enjoys beating off and the intensity of it is MORE satisfying than having sex with his wife, then yeah, this will be a problem in the future. Hey, I have no problems with porn and wacking off to it. AS LONG AS it doesn't take over the sex life. Alot of people who watch porn on computer become addicts because there's so much to choose from. It's not like putting in a DVD and grabbing the kleenex box. I've heard that porn addictions are on the rise because of the porn on the Net. Not going to get into details about it as it's not my story to tell, but a cousin of mine was telling me that her husband has a porn problem now and is addicted to porn on the internet.
tanbark813 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 But if he enjoys beating off and the intensity of it is MORE satisfying than having sex with his wife, then yeah, this will be a problem in the future. And if he wins the lottery he'll be able to afford a new car. But neither case has been mentioned as being reality. People are too quick to make assumptions and throw around terms like "porn addict".
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 People are too quick to make assumptions and throw around terms like "porn addict". But if it negatively affects someone's sex life, then it is a problem, yes? OK, maybe porn addict is too strong to say, so let's say preference instead.
tanbark813 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 But if it negatively affects someone's sex life, then it is a problem, yes? Yes, but where did the OP said it has negatively affected their sex life?? OK, maybe porn addict is too strong to say, so let's say preference instead. Let's not because, again, the OP never said he chose porn over her. You're making assumptions.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Boy, you're argumentative tonight! First you make me laugh and now you're giving it to me another way...hehe.. Ok, I'm assuming the worst case senario here. Let me go back and re-read parts of the OP's thread and get back to you in a sec..
tanbark813 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Boy, you're argumentative tonight! I think I'm antsy to leave work. Just 20 more minutes.
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 the thought of him indulging himself to the typical porn of young pretty sleazy subservient slutty females makes me lose respect for him to a degree. I know it's what he is used to before me, but he did get married, right? I dunno, maybe it's harmless. He doesn't seem to want to share this experience "together" either, which enforces my fear that he is capable of cheating. I have had to face that fear anyway....but I didn't want to have to deal with this and that is why before I found his porn and before we were married, the thought that he was not into porn was a highlight and testimonial to what I thought was good respectable character. I was wrong and now I am forced to deal with it. At the very least, I have reduced myself to his friend...understanding, accepting him and allowing him to feel the freedom of choice instead of feeling resentful and trapped in marriage and depending on and waiting for me to fulfill his physical needs all the time. I think it would suffice to say that for men, sex is much more of a physical need than an emotional one. So that's why I just said the heck with it. She's doing a very UNselfish thing by letting her H do what he wants with porn. He's hid it in the past like a secret, she found his porn and now it's out in the open. Problem is, she's building little resentments because of this and that's not a good thing. I do wonder if her H is willing to compromise. I wonder does he jerk off to porn daily? Weekly? How often is this taking place. I hope that it will not affect the way he treats me in the long run. In fact, I was hoping he'd really appreciate me bringing it out into the open. Truth be told, I worry that allowing it today means being completely substituted tomorrow...like, we're not getting any younger. The older I get, I wonder and worry if he will prefer the porn over me. I'm going by her words and as you say Tanny, I'm assuming... and because my husband likes to watch porn I don't know if it really fundamentally changes anything as long as he is still wanting to have sex with me and not preferring the fantasy world. Jolene, talk to your husband about your fears and let him know this stuff.
tanbark813 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 I do wonder if her H is willing to compromise. I wonder does he jerk off to porn daily? Weekly? How often is this taking place. I don't know why women get so freaked out about their man masturbating. Do you masturbate, WWIU? How often? Has it f**ked up your sex life with your H?
Recommended Posts