Being a "step" parent

[Jolene]

My son was 7 when I met my now husband a little over three years ago. The biological father was never involved from the start, but I do get child support (I call it “go away money”). I thought my husband would make a great father based on the behaviour I saw in the beginning of our relationship even though there was one incident where he preferred to spend our first Halloween with his sister and her children rather than take me and my son out for Halloween. That was a red flag for me, but I ignored it saying we were not married yet, so I couldn’t expect his loyalty quite yet, but I thought he would change if we were married.

 

We’ve been married now for almost two years, and I have watched a slow decline in the amount of time my husband spends with my son and I have on occasion had to bear witness to some inappropriate decision-making on his part as well that indicates to me that his priorities are not in the right place.

 

My husband’s job is periodically and regularly demanding on his time and energy, and yes his mother was ill for the past year and recently passed away. But there have been occasions when my husband has cancelled or altered previously-made plans involving my son or me so that he could be at the beck and call of his family (babysitting for his sister or helping his dad move a couch) or some other obligation that presents itself on his agenda. He simply can’t say “No, I have plans with my wife/son.”

 

Additionally, I think my husband is a passive-aggressive personality and he gets this from being brought up in a home with an alcoholic mother and a male chauvinistic and overly-critical father. I love my son more than I pity my husband, of course. It was truly a shock last October when my husband threatened to stop “helping” me with my son if I didn’t assist him with helping to babysit his sister’s three kids one night (I tried to tell him I didn’t want to babysit for her). The fact that my son is not his biological child appears to be a factor now and he uses this parenting relationship as leverage in our marriage, but if my husband does not truly love me and especially my child afterall shouldn’t I divorce him and move on? I certainly feel as though I have been fooled, backed into a corner and yet my son’s emotional stability is at stake if I go through the agony of a divorce at this stage in both of our lives. My son will be ten in August 2008.

 

Is a mediocre father better than no father at all? My husband is not abusive physically, but he can be very difficult to get along with depending on circumstances and because he is passive-aggressive. I really have to pick my battles and show a good level of indifference to regularly aggravating behaviours of my husband to make sure I don’t get emotionally pent up and meltdown, therefore justifying any accusations that I am “nuts”.

 

My son left for March break to go on a trip with my sister and my parents while my husband and I had to stay and work. I noticed (and another person noticed) that without my son around that week, my husband has been much happier and easier to get along with. I realize that parents deserve and appreciate a break from the pressures of having children, but I am concerned that the noticeable mood change in my husband when my child is out of the picture indicates that he does not love him and only tolerates having him around. I am a bit more relaxed when my son is gone, but I am not much different one way or the other. My husband is instantly less irritable when my son is gone on a trip for the weekend or a week.

 

What’s going on here? I try not to be judgemental, because I don’t know what it’s like to be a “step”. But if my husband was wooing me through my son, and now the honeymoon is over, should I worry now that my son will be at a loss somehow to grow up with a step-father that keeps us both at a comfortable distance emotionally? Does it get better? What are the consequences of staying or leaving?

[melodicmaybe]

My kids and I haven't lived with a guy since I got a divorce, so I can't say I'm completely familiar with the step family dynamic.

 

That said, if you can tell that your husband resents your son, don't you think that your child is going to be able to pick up on this as well? Especially as he gets older, your son is going to pick up on this more and more. What is it going to do to him to live and grow up with someone who resents him being there?

 

You've talked about your husband's actions towards your son. But you haven't told us about how son is towards your husband. What is their relationship like from his point of view? Try to put yourself in his shoes. What would it do to you if you were never able to gain the approval of one of your parents? If they actively pushed you away and denied you affection and attention?

 

Right now, you've only been with him for three years. How will another decade and half of this relationship affect you, your son, and your relationship with your son? Just things to think about.

 

I'm not saying you should pack and leave this minute, but these are questions you need to give serious consideration to. Your son is on the cusp of adolescence; these are very important, formative years for him as he figures out what it means to be a man and how a man should behave. You said you have little to no contact with his biological father, so your husband is "Dad" to him. He is the father figure in your son's life, whether he likes it or not.

 

You, being his mom, have the ability to choose whether or not this is the person you want to be Dad.

[Jolene]

I've been thinking this.

 

The difficulty lies wherein my son does love this man, and I can see that when my husband gives him affection, my son really is relishing the moment. So, my husband does provide a role, he does give of himself emotionally, but my only concern is that my husband is capable of shutting off emotionally when the wind doesn't blow in his direction. THAT is what concerns me. Call it a personality flaw.

 

As long as I am there to cushion any blows and as long as I can manage to kinda tip-toe around my husband so that he isn't being provoked or antagonized into being angry, life will be liveable.

 

I just wanted more from this and I don't know what's in my son's head or my husband's head. But I do know that if I have to go....I will.

[blind_otter]

Well...this may be a stupid question but have you brought this up with your H? I mean his PA behavior and his ability to emotionally withdraw from your son, and the fact that he seems to put his family before you and your son? And not in an argument, but in a non-confrontational setting?

 

I am a "step" parent. My SO and I are expecting a baby in July, and he has a 10 year old son from a previous marriage. I struggle with his son, to be honest. I am trying to balance setting limits with being loving. But in my case, I honestly think my SO's son just doesn't like me as a person very much.

[Jolene]

Yeah, the passive-aggressive personality is an expert at avoiding responsibility in a relationship. However, even though he is extremely hard to talk to without being directed back to how he is the victim and how unappreciative I am of all the wonderful things he does (this is a classic PA maneuvre), he will sometimes consider what I've said and alter his behaviour, but not before seriously aggravating me to the point of a meltdown and then he can say I am crazy (another classic PA maneuvre).

 

I made my bed, found out too late that things were not even close to perfect, and now I have to lie in it. That's fine as long as life is stable and liveable and as long as nothing truly threatening happens.

 

I do wonder, though, if my husband's "step" position is just a challenge that is typical and if it might all smooth over in time or stay at an even keel.

 

If he resents my son, whatever would he resent him for??? My son is loveable and obedient and doesn't have any other men to compare him with or substitute him with. So many people tell me how great my son is and how easy it would be to love him. I know this. I don't want to spoil this.

 

If my husband is gearing up to cook a pot of "screw up my kid", I'm outta here.

 

I mean, does it seem obvious that he resents my child? I don't get that.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't look at your son as "his" flesh and blood. Some people cannot get past that and that may be why he can stay 'detached' slightly from your son and give him bits and pieces of affection.

 

Why not ask your H if he is willing to adopt your son as his own? Is that an option if your ex allows this to happen?

[Jolene]

Why not ask your H if he is willing to adopt your son as his own? Is that an option if your ex allows this to happen?

 

We've decided not to take this course of action, since it would disqualify the child support I do receive. Besides, if I have to divorce my husband, I don't truly believe that my husband would remain as a figure in my son's life....also, I have changed my will so that if I die, most of my assets go to my son and my sister will be the caregiver and parent for my son....afterall, my husband has withdrawn from my son emotionally in the past when he is really mad at me. I don't think a biological father would do that, so I don't think I want him to adopt my child based on that nugget of information right there. It was never more clear to me that his parental involvement was that detached as when he told me that he would stop "helping" me with my son if I didn't babysit for his sister when he volunteers us to do so. Inconsiderate yes, but I have to move on from that and hope for the best. I am hesitant to judge him since I don't know what it's like to take on someone else's child, but I just hope and pray that for my son's sake, this is better than no father figure at all.

Edited March 17, 2008 by Jolene
addition

[blind_otter]

Jolene, have you purused any other step parenting forums? The stories there are at times almost scarey. The common theme is that many, many blended families have a hard time.

 

Have you considered family counseling or MC?

 

It seems like you have one foot out the door.

 

And when you say you don't think a biological father would emotionally withdraw, well that's just not true. There are plenty of kids out there with absent biological fathers. A couple of friends of mine had a dad who just left and started a new family with a different woman and never called or got in touch with his "first family" again.

[Jolene]

It seems like you have one foot out the door.

 

And when you say you don't think a biological father would emotionally withdraw, well that's just not true. There are plenty of kids out there with absent biological fathers. A couple of friends of mine had a dad who just left and started a new family with a different woman and never called or got in touch with his "first family" again.

 

 

My next step is to get individual counselling. These days, I think women who are smart do keep one foot out the door, financially at least, precisely in preparation for the rare scenario you have just described. How can you know that a man is capable of such a thing until it is too late?

 

I don't think my husband would abandon his biological child if he had one, mainly for the sake of appearances and the humiliation his family would experience if he did that....but in our case, my son is not his and so his family would be more likely to turn a blind eye if he completely withdrew. They don't know what he is really like at home or what he is really like with my child. They all think he is my hero since he acquired an instant family and married me and took responsibility for not just me but my child. I was hoping he would truly love my child. It's just fizzled off slowly. I feel tricked. He's not a horrible person, though. Parenting is difficult, a very selfless and thankless job. But my child is so loveable, and I expected more from my husband. Yeah, if I die, my son must not be left with my husband. That's the way I feel.

[Kamille]

Individual counseling is a good start, but I really thing your H and you would benefit from couple's counselling.

 

I believe that what you are experiencing is really hard - but to me it sounds, from this thread and the "I must be a great wife" thread, that you and your husband fondamentally have problems communicating - hearing each other out on what is important to the other.

 

I feel like we are getting one side of the story - which is normal giving the format of the forum. But a marriage counsellor would be able to see where you two miscommunicate, thus creating failed expectations and miscommunication.

 

In part, I feel like there is a discrepancy in between how you and your H view family: maybe he resents the fact that you always prioritize your son over his family - just as you resent the fact that he sometimes puts his family ahead of your son.

[Jolene]

In part, I feel like there is a discrepancy in between how you and your H view family: maybe he resents the fact that you always prioritize your son over his family - just as you resent the fact that he sometimes puts his family ahead of your son.

 

I think this is a real possibility. It's been difficult to take a backseat sometimes, but I will do what I must to make him feel accepted and loved or else bad things are going to happen. If that means biting my tongue sometimes, I guess that's what it will require. It's just tmy fear of what I think he is capable of emotionally that keeps me at an emotional distance with one foot out the door. Maybe because we have different ideas of what family is, and that we sometimes have different priorities. So I guess it's all good while I am still in this world for my son, but like I said before, it scares me to think what this difference in priorities would mean if I suddenly died and he had to be the parent of my son.....it's just not going to happen that way. I feel tremendous guilt about that. I could never bring that up in couple's counselling, but that's the way it is. It could be construed that we should get a divorce if that is the way I feel. I'm not ready for that.

[blind_otter]

My next step is to get individual counselling. These days, I think women who are smart do keep one foot out the door, financially at least, precisely in preparation for the rare scenario you have just described. How can you know that a man is capable of such a thing until it is too late?

 

Well it's one thing to maintain separate bank accounts and to support yourself (which I do as well) - but it seems like you reflexive reaction is to leave. You've said as much several times on this thread. It seems like, beyond just financially, you are partially emotionally checked out of this marriage already.

 

And as Kamille said, IC is a great first step but will do nothing to improve the communciation problems between you and your H. It really sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a referee guide you in how to talk to each other and get things across without getting defensive.

 

Parenting is difficult, a very selfless and thankless job. But my child is so loveable, and I expected more from my husband. Yeah, if I die, my son must not be left with my husband. That's the way I feel.

 

Did you make your expectations clear to him when you got together? I mean - crystal clear. No innuendos or unspoken promises or anything like that - did you have a conversation about co-parenting? Even people who share a biological child have to sit down and discuss their co-parenting strategies. You cannot assume that another person will just know what they need to do and where they are deficient.

 

That's one thing I struggle with in my situation. My SO never sat down and discussed his parenting expectations with me. I had to elicit his suggestions myself, with direct questions.

[Jolene]

It really sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a referee guide you in how to talk to each other and get things across without getting defensive.

 

Did you make your expectations clear to him when you got together? I mean - crystal clear. No innuendos or unspoken promises or anything like that - did you have a conversation about co-parenting? Even people who share a biological child have to sit down and discuss their co-parenting strategies. You cannot assume that another person will just know what they need to do and where they are deficient.

 

My husband is very fragile and extremely defensive ALL the time. I have to tiptoe around him, emotionally. Hence, "checked out". My husband is quite clear that if I die, he will take care of my son as he has said so many times. But he won't adopt him "because we'd lose the child support money." But what he says and what he does are not always in perfect harmony either. Best of intentions, but actions speak louder than words when push comes to shove. I think my husband would resent my son, dominate him, take care of him in a utilitarian way, get him to help him with all sorts of chores and make it look as though everything is hunkey dorey to people outside, but in reality what would be lacking is a genuine love for him. My sister and her husband would be much better parents. My husband doesn't handle stress and pressure well at all....he is competent, but he is very uptight and irritable when there is an agenda and many things to do. What most people would regard as simple multi-tasking, my husband regards as being "put upon by others". If I were to tell my husband that he has personality traits that make him a less desirable parent compared to other alternatives in the event of my death, he would over-react and cause a huge rukkus that would make our house unliveable for awhile. He over-reacts to things he doesn't agree with or understand. To him, everything is a competition that he has to win control over. Control is not true love.

[BentSpine]

This is a suggestion of what might be the case:

 

Having the kid around, is hard work for him, and without any payoff.

 

Coming home is like going to work for him. But in this case, he has to go to work in the weekends as well. If he first has a job during the day and then goes home and begins another work, when is he supposed to recharge his batteries?

 

Once he has had kid-free recharging time, he can go to work and be sociable with a client or go to his other work and spend a little time with his partner's son. But in both cases he will soon need to recharge to find the energy to continue this way. How soon? Well, many people don't want to stay at work until it's time to go asleep so it's possible that he would want to recharge every day.

 

His reason for distancing himself could then be that he feels overworked.

[Jolene]

His reason for distancing himself could then be that he feels overworked.

 

When realizing this possibility, what comes to mind is that my husband is one of these people who in the beginning was very naive and romantic about the idea of becoming a parent. Perhaps it's too much for him. Heck, it's too much for me, too, but I love my son and I do the best I can and I never withdraw, become sullen or find ways to shirk my responsibilities and priorities. I understand that it's all too much for him since he wasn't around when my son was an infant. That initial bond just isn't there. Nobody's fault. But how can I get my husband to recharge his battery when he can't seem to do it on his own? Instead, he takes on more and more responsibility and feels put upon by the very agenda he created.

[blind_otter]

When realizing this possibility, what comes to mind is that my husband is one of these people who in the beginning was very naive and romantic about the idea of becoming a parent. Perhaps it's too much for him. Heck, it's too much for me, too, but I love my son and I do the best I can and I never withdraw, become sullen or find ways to shirk my responsibilities and priorities. I understand that it's all too much for him since he wasn't around when my son was an infant. That initial bond just isn't there. Nobody's fault. But how can I get my husband to recharge his battery when he can't seem to do it on his own? Instead, he takes on more and more responsibility and feels put upon by the very agenda he created.

 

You never answered my question from a previous post - have you sat down and worked out your co-parenting strategies with him? You can figure out how/when he can take necessary breaks during that discussion.

[Jolene]

You never answered my question from a previous post - have you sat down and worked out your co-parenting strategies with him? You can figure out how/when he can take necessary breaks during that discussion.

 

Not sure how to explain this. He insists on picking up my son after work, giving him his supper and then I come home at 6:30. That is very helpful indeed. However, I have made absolutely sure since we moved into the new house that the setup is such that if and when my husband gets angry enough to withdraw his support, that I can do all of what he does myself. My husband does nothing for me that I cannot do myself as it is utilitarian at best. Great. Other than that, when cub scout events take place, my husband is looking for ways to opt out, suggesting we drop him off at the cub car rally and pick him up when it's done BECAUSE WE HAVE OTHER PRIORITIES THAT DAY. My son only has one activity registration at a time because I find that even one ongoing commitment such as cub scouts is too much for my husband. We only have one car, too. But how do other families juggle their lives? Some have more than one child and more than one activity for them? My husband has described the lives of people he knows that have more than one child in more than one activity, and he describes the taxying around as "a disaster". I know what he means, but he can't seem to make the right choices with just one child in something simple and low maintenance like cub scouts.....and you JUST DON'T drop your kid off at these events, especially when they are new to the neighbourhood and new to the school. How can I get him to take a break when he is too afraid to admit to me and to his family that his priorities are skewed and that he really doesn't like this parenting reality....his sister has three kids....how would he live it down to admit he thinks her life is "a disaster" since the one kid he has is low maintenance and he still feels overwhelmed?

 

Sometimes I think I'd be doing him a favour by leaving him since he cannot be honest with himself. More guilt.

[Kamille]

Not sure how to explain this. He insists on picking up my son after work, giving him his supper and then I come home at 6:30. That is very helpful indeed. However, I have made absolutely sure since we moved into the new house that the setup is such that if and when my husband gets angry enough to withdraw his support, that I can do all of what he does myself. My husband does nothing for me that I cannot do myself as it is utilitarian at best. Great. Other than that, when cub scout events take place, my husband is looking for ways to opt out, suggesting we drop him off at the cub car rally and pick him up when it's done BECAUSE WE HAVE OTHER PRIORITIES THAT DAY. My son only has one activity registration at a time because I find that even one ongoing commitment such as cub scouts is too much for my husband. We only have one car, too. But how do other families juggle their lives? Some have more than one child and more than one activity for them? My husband has described the lives of people he knows that have more than one child in more than one activity, and he describes the taxying around as "a disaster". I know what he means, but he can't seem to make the right choices with just one child in something simple and low maintenance like cub scouts.....and you JUST DON'T drop your kid off at these events, especially when they are new to the neighbourhood and new to the school. How can I get him to take a break when he is too afraid to admit to me and to his family that his priorities are skewed and that he really doesn't like this parenting reality....his sister has three kids....how would he live it down to admit he thinks her life is "a disaster" since the one kid he has is low maintenance and he still feels overwhelmed?

 

Sometimes I think I'd be doing him a favour by leaving him since he cannot be honest with himself. More guilt.

 

 

MC please go to MC.

 

It sounds to me like your ideas about good parenting are pretty set in stone - and serve as ground for you delegitimating your husband's input AND perceiving his style as 'unloving'. How old is your child again? See, depending on his age, I think children can benefit from being dropped off at events sometimes. It helps them gain autonomy and independance. In other words, are there any chance that you're on the overprotective side with your child?

 

MC would likely help the two of you hear each other out - because it really feels like you have both accumulated a lot of resentment and you are definitely making unflattering assumptions about a man you once agreed to share your life with.

 

It also seems to me that in trying to be self-sufficient in case he ever left you, you might have also held yourself off from him.

 

Like with the porn thread - the issues around your child sound like the symptom of some deeper miscommunicated needs and expectations on both sides.

[blind_otter]

I don't mean to harp, but where is the parenting plan? Where have you sat down and discussed responsibilities, shared burdens, issues with the son, and yes - your desire to have him do more than one activity? You have to communicate this to your H.

 

I am dealing with ongoing frustrations between my SO and his exwife regarding their co-parenting. They, too, refuse to talk it out. They simply assume. And the only person who suffers as a result is the child.

 

This is why I recommend family therapy. Your therapist could help your guys work out a co-parenting plan. You could talk about your H's expectations and what he should be doing, and where he is dropping the ball.

 

Again - I think you and your H need to TALK about this. If he is too sensitive/defensive to have a convo with just you - then you need to involve a third party. A therapist.

[Kamille]

Just wanted to add that my input comes from my own struggle with my own high expectations and perfectionnism. I get the feeling that you also have high expectations in regars to your own life and that perhaps both you and your husband are perfectionnists.

 

I often try to blame others and change their behaviours before I accept to hear them out and perhaps revise my expectations. It can make me pretty rigid and self-righteous. It also grants me a lot of security: it's my way of feeling in control of my life.

[Jolene]

See, depending on his age, I think children can benefit from being dropped off at events sometimes. It helps them gain autonomy and independance. In other words, are there any chance that you're on the overprotective side with your child?

 

MC would likely help the two of you hear each other out - because it really feels like you have both accumulated a lot of resentment and you are definitely making unflattering assumptions about a man you once agreed to share your life with.

 

It also seems to me that in trying to be self-sufficient in case he ever left you, you might have also held yourself off from him.

 

Like with the porn thread - the issues around your child sound like the symptom of some deeper miscommunicated needs and expectations on both sides.

 

My son is almost ten. I maintain that when a child is willing and ready to go on his own, he makes himself clear when given options to stay or go. My son recently went on a weekend cub scout camping trip without either of us and had a great time. The other event was the kind of event that even a moron would realize is meant for bonding with the kids....the cub car rally, once a year, lots of fun and the parents go to cheer on their son and share the moment. If you don't want to share a moment like that, what the heck is wrong? Like the cub leader said to me, "If the parents can't figure it out, it's not up to us to figure it out for them." Embarrasing to hear this after I suggested to them that my husband would have dropped off my son if it hadn't been for my changing plans to be present.

 

How do you communicate with a man who will walk out of the room, watch the clock, yawn, ignore or say things like "you're a free agent...there's the door". He is passive-aggressive and so does not want to talk about the relationship ever unless he brings it up which is almost never.

 

He is not a horrible man. But you can only beat your head against a wall for so long. He did not reveal his true self until we were married. I am just surprised that he can be so distant emotionally, even with my son. We'll take what we can get, right? We should be grateful a lot of people would say.

[Kamille]

Do you think he would be open to marriage councelling?

[Jolene]

Do you think he would be open to marriage councelling?

 

Nope. I think it would be one more thing on his agenda that he would resent me for and feel put upon by it. Never saying anything, I would be punished by regular and constant underhanded remarks, omissions of truth, obstructions of my wants and neglect of my emotional needs. All the while maintaining that he has no issues, he would just feel burdened and it would be a waste of time.

 

It would have to be his idea. I would definitely go. But I wonder if it would be a waste of time with someone like him. Just another competition for him to win control over.

 

I think he would rather see the marriage crumble before he'd admit to his family that he was going to a marriage counsellor or a therapist. It would ruin his perfect image. So far, he's been able to let them believe I am the crazy one. That's an easy way out. Comfortable and convenient. That way, he wouldn't have to admit he was not a good husband or father. That way he woldn't have to admit that he made a mistake.

[Kamille]

It would have to be his idea. I would definitely go. But I wonder if it would be a waste of time with someone like him. Just another competition for him to win control over.

 

 

In my experience, it takes two to compete. I struggle with competition in my own relationship. Both bf and I are perfectionnists and it is easy to get caught up in the competition and forget to listen to each other.

 

Control issues are really tough - and they usually stem from some deep-rooted fears. What does he think would happen if he relinquished some control? What do you think would happen if you did too?

[Jolene]

Control issues are really tough - and they usually stem from some deep-rooted fears. What does he think would happen if he relinquished some control? What do you think would happen if you did too?

 

I knew he was controlling, but I trusted him. After we were married, I found his porn stash, he almost divorced me after our first fight and after our second fight he withdrew from my son and uninvited me to any of his family functions indefinitely until his step-mother told him it was inappropriate to do so. I have lost trust in him. His fears stem around being dependent on someone, so he has trouble trusting me.

 

It's about trust. If we can rebuild that, maybe other things would fall in place. But it feels really awkward and almost hopeless at this point, emotionally speaking.