LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 So Dan called 2 nights ago. That same day I sent him an email that I might take a short vacation in May and I invited him to join me, and specified it doesn't have to mean we are an "item" between now and then, I just want to take someone fun along. When he called, we basically just played catch-up...I was in bed early because I had to wake up at 4:30am for work. So we kept it brief. I asked what he's been up to, and said he's been travelling a lot (this is supposed to explain why we haven't talked in a month)...he never really said why he was calling, though. It seemed we were both playing dumb about things that have happened, as far as my ultimatum and emails...clues from our conversation told me he was pretending like he didn't read my email from that day, but I know he did, because I use the Read Notify tool. We chatted, laughed a little. Then I finally said, well I might (note "might") call you tomorrow, I need to get some sleep and we both said good night. I didn't call yesterday. I just don't know what to say, because I don't know why he called to begin with. On the phone, I did mention I wanted to take a vacation but didn't come out and invite him this time, and again he acted as though he didn't know about it. I just went along with it, I don't know why but I did. It is true that he travels with his friends often..but if he wasn't really interested in the vacation I don't know why he'd call. Over the last month I've sent mostly nice emails saying how much I dig him.
Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Why are you even inviting him along to begin with?!?! He does NOT deserve one second of your time!!! (Banging head up against the wall.) *sigh*
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Radiohead said it best: you do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts, you do it to yourself, just you, you and no one else, you do it to yourself. I give up. Insert sarcastic tone: LL, inviting him on the trip is a great idea. The guy has read your ultimatum but by going back on your own word you are showing him what an easy going girl you are and surely, that will make him fall for you because he has proven over and over again that he is a stand up guy who isn't only using you for good times, no strings attached.
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 I know, I just don't understand why he called. If he wanted to take me up on the trip, you'd think he'd say, "I got your email that sounds fun!" On the phone, when I mentioned I want to fly to Florida just to hang out for 3 days (short flight from here), his attitude was like, your talkin' crazy, you won't really do that...he didn't say it like that, but he might as well have. I just don't get the point of the phone call.
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I know, I just don't understand why he called. If he wanted to take me up on the trip, you'd think he'd say, "I got your email that sounds fun!" On the phone, when I mentioned I want to fly to Florida just to hang out for 3 days (short flight from here), his attitude was like, your talkin' crazy, you won't really do that...he didn't say it like that, but he might as well have. I just don't get the point of the phone call. My guess is that the point of the phone call was to test the waters to see if you were still cool about the FWB arrangement you two had prior to your ultimatum. LL, you might be tempted to say that you are - but it's obvious to pretty much everyone here that you would be lying to yourself just so you can keep Dan in your life in the hopes that romance will eventually develop. The answer is: NO. Romance won't develop. So go to Florida with another friend or go to Florida on your own. I've travelled alone and I think it's fun. You get to meet people easily that way.
carhill Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 It was just something to do, between drinking a soda and eating a sandwich....guys are like that; scroll through their phonebook and push a button. I sense a disparity of importance here. Where you planning on going? Europe is nice in May
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Oh well forget it...it's the weekend, so I'll go out if I can and keep trying to meet new guys like I always do. The success probably won't be any better than normal, but at least my motivation is there. Till then I won't get this idiot of a guy outta my head.
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 So go to Florida with another friend or go to Florida on your own. I've travelled alone and I think it's fun. You get to meet people easily that way. I did mention in the email that I'm so itching for a get-away that I'll go alone if I have to! And in fact, I did travel to Florida alone a few years ago, visited friends but mostly hung out by myself and it was wonderful. So in actuality, I wasn't inviting him out of insecurity or whatever. He's just that fun to be with and we both love the beach. Unfortunately though, I re-checked my funds and it looks like my budget won't really allow this kind of trip, after all. So I might just have to drive up to the Lake for a couple days...if there's a large body of water I'd be satisfied.
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Weekend by a lake sounds like great fun. LL, next time you wonder what whatever's guy's actions mean, remember this: Guys are pretty good at being clear about what they want. If Dan wanted something more serious or romantic with you, he would tell you so, in so many words. In fact, I now make it a policy not to analyze what a guy's actions mean until he's shown me he's serious about us, by telling me so and by showing me so. Anything short of that, they remain in my fun-to-flirt-with but not even worthy of a fling category.
Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Guys are pretty good at being clear about what they want. If Dan wanted something more serious or romantic with you, he would tell you so, in so many words. In fact, I now make it a policy not to analyze what a guy's actions mean until he's shown me he's serious about us, by telling me so and by showing me so. Anything short of that, they remain in my fun-to-flirt-with but not even worthy of a fling category. So very true!!
Butterflying Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 He was definately testing the water. He wanted to know what mood you were in to see if you were open for a booty call. I agree with the poster who said guys will tell you what they want. He read your email but assumed you just wanted attention and were desperate enough to reconsider the FWB thing. Don't fall for it. Don't even analyze it. Take him at face value.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 You're asking why he called when you emailed him first? That seems sort of ridiculous.
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 You're asking why he called when you emailed him first? That seems sort of ridiculous. But he was pretending like he didn't read the email...trying to pass it off as calling me out the blue..
Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 But he was pretending like he didn't read the email...trying to pass it off as calling me out the blue.. Honestly, your email probably (1) reminded him that you even existed to begin with; (2) clearly made him think that his past behavior was completely acceptable to you because why else would you now him on a trip?; and (3) led him to believe he can get right back to where he was in a no-strings FWB relationship. Given this, why wouldn't he call? Why wouldn't a man who basically receives a "treat me like crap and I'll still invite you on a trip" message NOT take advantage of that situation (UNLESS he was actually a good guy who cared about your feelings)?
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 But he was pretending like he didn't read the email...trying to pass it off as calling me out the blue.. Yeah, his way of not actually putting himself foward by showing any interest in the trip. That way, the trip is still completely your idea, he doesn't have to invest much in you or the trip. A guy who would be into you would have been all over the trip offer. I'm sorry LL, I feel like what I'm saying is mean, but you have to realize what his actions mean. He isn't romantically interested in you. He likes having you around, that's it. No more, no less.
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Honestly, your email probably (1) reminded him that you even existed to begin with; (2) clearly made him think that his past behavior was completely acceptable to you because why else would you now him on a trip?; and (3) led him to believe he can get right back to where he was in a no-strings FWB relationship. Given this, why wouldn't he call? Why wouldn't a man who basically receives a "treat me like crap and I'll still invite you on a trip" message NOT take advantage of that situation (UNLESS he was actually a good guy who cared about your feelings)? I just emailed him and said "don't call unless it's to ask me out like mature people do". Dude it's so over, none of this B.S. even matters anymore. I just don't have anyone else to talk about...and won't for a long, long, time I'm sure, if ever.
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 I just emailed him and said "don't call unless it's to ask me out like mature people do". Dude it's so over, none of this B.S. even matters anymore. I just don't have anyone else to talk about...and won't for a long, long, time I'm sure, if ever. And it isn't like Dan keeps me from meeting other people, because I don't even spend time with him anymore, it's my own life that keeps me from meeting new, quality people, but it's not things that I can change, I can't change my very demanding schedule and I can't change that all dam friends are married with kids and too busy to entertain their only single friend.
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 And it isn't like Dan keeps me from meeting other people, because I don't even spend time with him anymore, it's my own life that keeps me from meeting new, quality people, but it's not things that I can change, I can't change my very demanding schedule and I can't change that all dam friends are married with kids and too busy to entertain their only single friend. Well what about your situation at work/school? Any cute doctors hanging around? Paramedics? Lab technicians? But beside, what does it matter? I know you wish you had someone in your life, but you're still happy on your own, right?
NotMyselfNEmore Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I was involved with someone who treated me like crap. He used me for company. He rarely had sex with me but sure had a lot of counseling sessions. Seems as though he only wanted to spend time with me so that I could listen to him talk and talk and talk about his horrible life. Yeah, we had sex on one ocasion or two but that was just to "pay" for his expensive Psychologist Sessions with me. And I made the same mistake as you! I invited him on a trip to Chicago with me. I had received free tickets to the Chicago Sox for 2 nights in a row during the World Series and he was so depressed (not to mention it had been a while since I've seen "my client") that he acted just like your man... un-faced and un-motivated but willing to go. I took him with me, he "paid up" once more. We talked about HIS problems and HIS life and HIS daughters and when we got back from Chicago, I never heard from him again unless HE needed something or had something up his A$$ that I needed to listen to. In short: He ended up costing ME $625 in gas, hotel room, meals (yes, I had to pay for his meals) and car rental because he couldn't afford it. And the pitty sex he offered wasn't even worth a beer at the Sox's game!
Author LoveLace Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 yea Kam there's a few cute surgeons running around, so zoned in to work and zipping by so fast they don't even begin to notice ya. The rest are all nurses...chicks. Besides, I have to be there at 5:30am. No time for make-up or fixing my hair, I have to throw it in a pony tail and wear scrubs that make me look totally dumpy...oh and they have to be green of all colors. I wish I could say I"m happy, but I'm not, because work and school consumes my life and I live with my mother, which can't change anytime soon (that work and school again)..but it's better than where I lived before..anyway my life is all work and very little play which would be more tolerable if a guy was there to make my little spare time something to look forward to...not that vegging out isn't something to look forward to...being alone doesn't bother me...but it sure does get boring. Everyday someone looks at me and says, "what? Your not even married?"..so I wake up everyday with In-My-Thirties syndrome on top of everything else. I'm happy with myself as a person, don't think I'm a bad person or unattractive person, but all else sucks and at least some things are modifiable...I can't quit my job because I need it for my career, I just started and I like it a lot, but it beats me down physically. And of course I had to pick the profession full of women! I certainly couldn't change my major...I'm too far along for that. I appreciate support and suggestions from all around, whether it's here or from somewhere else, but I feel stuck.
City_girl Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 You sound just like me , a puppet on a string!! I don't know why we bond to these guys....Can't advise you but am empathizing with you
Author LoveLace Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 Well I'm finally getting some communication with a pretty cute and nice-sounding guy on a personals site, it's not much but at least it's something, something that could at least lead to a date, so I'll get excited about the guy at least long enough to not think about Dan for a while! At least there is a small light of hope...
Kamille Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 I wish I could say I"m happy, but I'm not, because work and school consumes my life and I live with my mother, which can't change anytime soon (that work and school again)..but it's better than where I lived before..anyway my life is all work and very little play which would be more tolerable if a guy was there to make my little spare time something to look forward to...not that vegging out isn't something to look forward to...being alone doesn't bother me...but it sure does get boring. Everyday someone looks at me and says, "what? Your not even married?"..so I wake up everyday with In-My-Thirties syndrome on top of everything else. I'm happy with myself as a person, don't think I'm a bad person or unattractive person, but all else sucks and at least some things are modifiable...I can't quit my job because I need it for my career, I just started and I like it a lot, but it beats me down physically. And of course I had to pick the profession full of women! I certainly couldn't change my major...I'm too far along for that. I appreciate support and suggestions from all around, whether it's here or from somewhere else, but I feel stuck. I know exactly how that feels. I move around every other year or so for work and I work in education, a very feminine field. At one point I had basically decided I was going to give up. That it would be easier anyways if I met somebody once I finished my phD and found a real job. I was way too busy at work anyways - but fortunately my married friends still invited me over for dinner frequently enough. Of course, I am one of those annoying cases that seem to prove that "it always happens when you're not looking". But even then, the problems we have been having lately prove that in life, there are few garantees. And plus, I still don't know where my career will lead me, but for the first time in my life, I am considering following my SO to where his career is leading him. Final note: love shouldn't be an antidote for boredom. If you are looking for love to fill a void, then yes, you will make the wrong decisions, or rush into things. I know you feel that void, but that is all the more reason to be careful, take your time, ask to be treated with the respect you deserve.
Author LoveLace Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 Well I can't say I just want love to fill a void...I want it because I want it ..but the boring moments remind me how much I want it. And like you said, no guarantees. That's the scary part. For me to find someone is like pulling teeth, so once I do it doesn't mean it'll even work out, then back to square 1 I'll be.
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