spooty Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 OK so me and the bf have been together 5 years since high school and through college. he's brought up at various times that we need to have time apart or that we can't stay together because we need to grow up on our own. as of right now, after graduation he wants us to be over. he says that he's happy with me and he knows that if we stayed together then we'd end up getting married and having a perfect life. but what he doesn't like is that i make him "quiet" (his words) and that he won't go after his dreams and change the word if he's with me, and he has to go places that i can't follow. what he means is that he'll need to go to the third world and other poor kind of violent places to reach his dreams. he's tried really hard to stay in control of his feelings for me, and he says that he loves me and it makes him feel sick, but he's held back enough that he can still leave. there's a lot between us that goes unsaid because i know he is holding back. i also think he's deliberately tried to not learn certain things about me or get as close as he could. he called me while drunk and said "you have no idea how much i just want to drop everything and kiss you when you come in the room but i don't because if i start then i won't stop" and he said that if he really let himself get to know me he knows he wouldn't be able to leave. why do guys try to hard to control their emotions? i heard somewhere that a lot of guys don't end up with the women that they have loved the most and they consider it a victory that they could control themselves. maybe that was from "the human sexes" or some show like that, anyone know what i'm talking about? has anyone else been left because it was too perfect?? i don't know what to do, i feel like the clock is counting down to graduation and i'll have to say goodbye. i think breaking up with him will be the biggest mistake of my life and i don't even get to make the choice for myself. i think he perceives me as being weaker than him since he says i can't follow him where he needs to go and he says things like "you're so sweet, and small" like my dreams are nothing compared to his. the thing is, he's never really asked me about them or dug that deep. i think that's part of him holding back on knowing me as well as he could. so i have until may, and this looming end to us is taking it's toll on me. and i've noticed as time goes on he's said no to me a lot less, let me sleep over more often, picked up food when i asked... and let me have my way. i think i should just tell him things without asking and just cut the tense silent crap. i hate the feeling when we're together and both of us are thinking the same thing but we don't say anything. what else should i do? how can i get him to stop holding back and love me and show him that being with me doesn't mean the end of his dreams?
Kamille Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 i think he perceives me as being weaker than him since he says i can't follow him where he needs to go and he says things like "you're so sweet, and small" like my dreams are nothing compared to his. the thing is, he's never really asked me about them or dug that deep. i think that's part of him holding back on knowing me as well as he could. Na-ha. This merely means he can be downright self-serving and self-centered Spooty. Why can't he find out about your dreams? Maybe he would discover you're not so small after all. Or that you could actually support each other's passions, instead of each going seperately in your own directions. I mean, I understand his urge to go work in Third world countries, but most contracts you get there are usually for 3 months, sometimes 6, occasionnally a year. After 5 years together, one year LDR could be negotiable. So basically what I'm hearing from him is that he feels he's afraid he'll resent you if he doesn't get to experience the world - in other words, dating other women. I am sorry he is putting you through this - it sounds hellish.
audrey_1 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Wow. Too perfect? Wow. I can honestly say that I have done this before with my very first boyfriend. My parents got divorced while I was dating him, and it did a real number on my head about relationships, though none of it was based in fact. If I hadn't made this totally irrational decision to break up with him, who knows? We might have been one of those high school sweetheart success stories. It is the single biggest regret of my life. If he wants to date other girls, well, I guess you have to let him and decide whether you can deal with it. There's no changing it. And you date, too. If you two come back to one another, then you'll know for certain it's where you want to be. As far as the dreams thing, that 's silly. You can be in a relationship and still maintain your identity and push yourself to live. How great is it to have someone come along for the ride?
curiousnycgirl Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 so i have until may, and this looming end to us is taking it's toll on me. and i've noticed as time goes on he's said no to me a lot less, let me sleep over more often, picked up food when i asked... and let me have my way. i think i should just tell him things without asking and just cut the tense silent crap. i hate the feeling when we're together and both of us are thinking the same thing but we don't say anything. what else should i do? how can i get him to stop holding back and love me and show him that being with me doesn't mean the end of his dreams? You can't get him to stop holding back. You can't make him do anything. The only thing you can control is how you react and what you do. If this were me, I would hope that I would have the strength to just end it all now. Why continue with this looming end? I'd go NC and not look back.
aln186 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 He's looking for an "out" and this is as good an excuse as any. I went through this same thing with my Ex. She wanted to leave college and go to Africa and I fully supported her with that decision, then as we spent more time together, she'd mention working at a Zoo (biologist) so she could be with me. As we spent more time apart (my job travel) she'd revert right back. It was a perpetual see-saw of "dream vs me" for her. Bottom line is, he's made his choice and as painful as it may be... he chooses "that" over you. Now what are you going to do? If he can't see that it's possible to have a LDR and stay together through this then what option do you have? You have to let go and move on. If you can't even talk about the issues, the lack of emotion he shows regarding the situation, etc., how "perfect" is it anyway? Sometimes we just think it's perfect... sad but true.
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