LifeServer Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 My friend and I have been best buddies for almost five years now. We had one of the greatest friendships and many people made comment to that. Well, about a month ago I was a little frustrated about something he said and I decided while playing with his phone I would read his text messages. Yes, I know that was totally wrong, but I had this suspicion that he was lying to me and I had to check. Anyway, a few days later I happened to get mad about something and kinda snapped at him. He ended up hanging up on me. Needless to say I apologized because I realized I had been a real jerk and in the five years we had been friends I never did anything like this before. He insisted we needed time apart and he was just so furious at me reading his text messages and this came in the form of an email. Finally he started talking to me on instant messenger and occasionally a text message but no phone calls (in the past he would call me everyday). The only form of communication was instant messaging the few times a week he would come on and all he keeps saying is he still doesn't know what he wants but he wants to fix things with me but something inside won't let him. Just last night he again told me how he wants to fix things but he still hurts so bad in side. The problem is, is that it has been a month and he still won't give me a chance to prove I will never do it again. I've talked to many of my other friends and even my parents and they all agree that what I did was wrong but I should at least be forgiven. It shouldn't take this long. I've tried numerous times over the past week to basically hint to him that maybe we should just end things. But he seems so insistant that we shouldn't. It's like I have no idea if we are friends or what we are anymore. I just cannot believe that after 5 years my one little screwup has cost us our friendship or so it seems. My problem is that I hurt so bad inside because I have no idea what is even going on between us anymore. Everyone kept telling me to just give him time and things would get better. Has anyone had similar fights with friends? If so did it ever get resolved? I need some advice. I want a 2nd chance but he won't even give me that after a month. Although he was raised in a very rough home. His Mom was emotionally abusive to him. He always found it hard to get close to anyone except me. He always said he was bonded more to me then his on family and for him he never expected me to do what I did to him. I keep wanting to just wait things out but I don't want to hurt anymore. What should I do?
Ronni_W Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 You betrayed his trust. For him, that is NOT "one little screwup"! If you re-read your post from a neutral position, see if you can find any genuine understanding and concern about how deeply he has been hurt. I mean, read between your lines. You're saying a lot of "right" words (and some very self-absorbed ones) but, even in print, it just sounds like all talk and no feeling. You say that YOU don't think it should take this long (for him to come to terms with how deeply you hurt him.) Do you really think YOU can judge how long it "should" take someone else to dissipate deep feelings of hurt and betrayal? It is far better to allow others to be their own authority, when it comes to feelings of any kind. You say that you HAD to follow up on your suspicion about whatever. No, you didn't...you had other options. You could have chosen to just trust him or [ii] to let it go by realizing that whatever he may have been lying about was obviously important enough TO HIM to lie about. My guess is that your friend is picking up on all these subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages that you aren't really getting the full impact ON HIM, of what your behaviour cost him in terms of his feeling both trusted and trusting. My further guess is that once you do take full responsibility for the fact that you deeply hurt this guy, you will be able to make genuine amends that he will ultimately (in HIS own time) be able to accept. If/when he does choose to forgive, it will be to facilitate his own inner peace. Your inner peace will come with your self-forgiveness, at which point you will not feel a need for forgiveness from external sources.
Immortalone Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 There is an old saying "Hurt me once shame on you, Hurt me twice shame on me", what this means is that your friend does not trust you right now. You gave him every reason not to trust you and he is gaurded at the moment. I can't say as I blame him. I'm sure he is wondering what else you have poked your noise into. Not saying you have at all but when you break a trust then people start to wonder about other things. It will probably take some time for him to move past this. You need to give him room.
Author LifeServer Posted March 28, 2008 Author Posted March 28, 2008 Well, I was totally getting back on track to let him have his space to reflect but then almost two weeks ago my Dad had stopped by to pick some chairs we let him borrow. I figured I shouldn't go because I didn't want to upset him. Well then he claimed to some of his other friends that my Dad said something negative to him which is something my Dad did not do and would not do. So then I got furious and told him our friendship was over but I did it in an email. I find it funny he still keeps pictures and stuff with me on his myspace like he wants other people to still think we are friends. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I feel had he just agreed to talk things out things would have been ok. But every attempt I made he would say how he wanted to but couldn't which did not make any sense. How can you want to talk things out but say you can't? I guess I just wonder if we may one day start over despite my email.
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