babysmomma Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) I am separated from my husband now, he cheated on me emotionally first by connecting with the woman at work, exchanging phone calls, emails and talking to her over lunch and then taking her out for dinner and hanging out while I was here with his son he talked to her about me, my family and I believe he was disappointed in me for being home with our son and not working full time he had no respect for me. I think he wanted me to be able to lift him out a of a rut and blamed me for where he was at that point in life but we where there together. The woman is older than we are has her own place, never been married, no kids, and from France (as if that matters) I think he gave me an STD in the process...and now emotionally I think he still wants to be tied to her he told me we are both beautiful women but very different what kind of crap is that? Call her a whore dude I fishing for something here.... We look totally opposite each other...anyway dont know where to go from here now he wants to try to save our marriage but he works with her still every day side by side in the same lab at work and instead of talkign to me it kills me he went to her to have her "save" him. He also treated me badly while he was talking to her, he totally changed he use to come home and want to play with the baby and instead withdrew entirely into his own world and looked at me with anger all the time.. I am guessing it got worse the deeper it got with her and he didn't know what to do when I found out about her. He claims it ended after I got home but I think he was being nasty to me because he wanted it to continue and resented me and the baby for coming home and spoiling his great life with her. I don't know if I can look at him again in the same way and yes I still have visions of them....can't help but think how would he like to see me out on a date or two? or emotionally confiding in another man during this time. The bottom line is that to get back to being 'together' he has to make a major career change to get away from her otherwise they will work together day in and out and I cannot get back with him knowing she is whispering in his ear about me or trying to tempt him. He has to PROVE he puts any value on me, our son and this relationship and in the meantime i get to wait for the tests from the OBGYN to see what he brought into my womb from France. I have a son so owe it to him to try to talk to his father, husband is in a state of resentment right now towards me but also says he wants to fix this he loves us...why didn't he love us enough to NOT go there... If she/he gave me some std than I don't think I can even consider going back with him... Edited March 14, 2008 by babysmomma
norajane Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 The bottom line is that to get back to being 'together' he has to make a major career change to get away from her otherwise they will work together day in and out and I cannot get back with him knowing she is whispering in his ear about me or trying to tempt him. He has to PROVE he puts any value on me, our son and this relationship and in the meantime i get to wait for the tests from the OBGYN to see what he brought into my womb from France. I have a son so owe it to him to try to talk to his father, husband is in a state of resentment right now towards me but also says he wants to fix this he loves us...why didn't he love us enough to NOT go there... If she/he gave me some std than I don't think I can even consider going back with him... You might owe it to your son to talk with his father, but you don't owe it to your son to get back together with your husband. If he doesn't change jobs, and if he shows no remorse and only resentment, I really don't see the point of giving it another try. He may 'love' you and your son, but his love isn't the kind of love that prevents him from doing things that hurt you deeply, tearing up the marriage, and bringing another woman into it. I'm sorry this has happened. I know that you are hurting and you have my sympathy. It's hard to end a marriage, but he isn't making much effort to repair anything. You might save yourself a lot of heartache and dignity if you made a clean break now, rather than dragging it out. Do you really think you can ever trust him again?
Lovelybird Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) He resent you, and do you know about what he resent? do you communicate those resentments? Your husband seeking other woman isn't necessarily he loves her or he lose love for you. When people face tough issues in their marriage, need them to confront their own weakness or their spouse's weakness, some people choose to RUN. but eventually they still will face same issues, OW is a easy way out, but a self-destructive one. your husband wants to feel he is successful man, who doesn't fail, so he chose OW to make him feel good, ow doesn't necessary being with him 24/7, doesn't pick up his dirty shoes, doesn't have to see his selfish sides come out from time to time, doesn't have to watch children for him and endure so many mundane each day. I think both your husband and OW are on cloud now, don't know what they are doing, it's like dating, only show the best during the meet maybe you reminded him his own failures and own weaknesses, so he projects the self-hatred towards you. The only way is to communicate, and expose self, as best as you can. one pastor put it perfectly "Don't give in to the temptation to resent your partner as your own weaknesses are revealed. Correspondingly, give them the freedom and acceptance they need in order to face their own weaknesses". If you don't want to forgive him, nobody can blame you. just in a marriage, everyone has to face these tough issues although not the same ones. In life there isn't an easy way out, either you have to face own weakness or run forever and frustrated If you want to work out with him, then you have to let him freely express himself, and let you freely express yourself, and show him your acceptance whatever he reveals, not necessary agree with him. your further rejection only will push him to OW An affair isn't the root of problem, it is just showing of deep problems that already existed: maybe communication, maybe misunderstanding....... even so cheating isn't right, just shows that he is weak and immature. You were asking if he loves you enough then how can he go that far, well, you assume that he is strong and mature, but he isn't. he is poor clueless self-centred man Edited March 14, 2008 by Lovelybird
smartgirl Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 My H also got involved with a woman he worked with. I found out about the A, but didn't find out she worked with him till 7 months later. The actual A stuff had stopped when I found out, but obviously the contact and in-office conversations didn't. It provided her with the opportunity to rehash things whenever she wanted and she did exactly that. You will also see some other posts on this site, like one from Triarge, where OW-coworkers continued to drag things out for months or even years after the A was over. Even if she doesn't want to get back together with him, the continued contact can still seriously impact his mental state and the recovery of your marriage. My H's ow is still in the work picture some two years later and it has been pure hell for me. He runs the company so he can't leave and he can't make her leave without getting sued. She won't leave out of pure spite. You can look forward to a long, painful road if your H continues to work with her. Her being there will create regular motivations for him to continue lying to you, because even if he wants her to leave him alone he won't want to tell you what she is doing and saying because you will get upset. The only thing that made all this bearable for me was my H's commitment to rebuilding our marriage and atoning for what he did. But he has found it hard to be completely open with me about her activities because he doesn't want to deal with my hurt and anger and he is desperately afraid of this coming out at work. Understand that your H is in a difficult transition period. Continuing to work with her will make this much more difficult. If he can go cold turkey on phone calls, emails, any non-professional conversations it will help. If he doesn't do ALL he can short of leaving the job, then you have to consider divorce. Tough love is the only thing that will work with a man not in his right mind.
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