mjjt Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 My girlfriend dumped recently, in part because of a fight we had earlier in that week, but also for another man. Since then, have discovered that she had already begun a relation (not sure to what depth, but for significant reasons suspect the worst, that they may have done something in my own bed when I was away on travel) with that man before she broke with me. Later, while I continued to pursue her to win her back, she went out with this guy secretively. It turns out she went out with him at least 6 times, and he visited her at her workplace numerous other times, she confessed to me recently. They had sex -- though she says only once I believe it was likely more as my girlfriend does not like to nor want to tell me such details. So, eventually she comes back to me, this guy gets pissed and tells me about her affair with him in part, I'd guess, to break us up. My dilemma: my girl says she loves me, regrets greatly what has happen, has asked me to forgive her, says this will not happen again, etc, etc.. But I can't seem to get over this happening, her doing this to me, imagining her having sex with this guy, it tears me up inside. I know she wants this to work, I want to be with her, but how do I get passed all that has happened? What she did was truly horrible to me, my worst nightmare, though she is trying to make up for it now...Advice?
popey Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 There is the question of wether or not you can get over the facts of what happened. Some people can. Some cant. But for me, the more pressing issue would be wether your trust or, or think there is a chance you can trust her again. If you think you can; then delve into dealing with getting over the knowledge that she was with this man.
jmargel Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 How old are you two? Also depending on how serious you two are, counseling would be in order. Trust is not given, it's earned. When you break that trust, she can't expect to just get that trust back without earning it again. Earning it takes time, and during this time you will mistrust her, you will have anger and upsetment. Look into the 5 stages of grief, you could be going through some of these. I think what you are also looking for is the real reason on why this is happened. For most men, if we know the root cause of why it happened, then we can do our best to make sure it doesn't happen again. Without knowing this, how can you prevent it again without her trust yet? Remember trust takes alot of time to get back, something you can't rush. There is no one talk in regards to affairs, she needs to be completely honest and open. The answer of 'I don't know' to why it happened, is not an answer. How did she treat you otherwise during the relationship? How was her maturity level? Were you getting anything out of the relationship or were you the only one putting into it? You two also should look at ways of creating better communicating between you two, either through self-help books or counseling.
Author mjjt Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Thanks for the comments. At this point, need to resort to a forum like this because girlfriend does not want to talk about it anymore. And she is right, if I keep on talking to her about it we will not be able to stay together because its hurting the both of us. She is stressed out big time over it all. I need to lay off her, and am trying to do so. Your comments seem valuable, and are helping me to think. I am still struggling to come to terms with whether I should accept what looks to be cheating, at least part of the time. And the way it happened -- with no grace period -- she went straight to another man. Probably did so because she had cheated on me earlier in that week, which she denies but, through statements from two mutual acquantainces, have reason to believe may have happened. She says she finished with me over a fight over some ridiculous jealous-statements I made that week, which for sure contributed to the mess. But sounds like she had already cheated with the guy, and again, she officially left me while in his arms. Now, from what I can piece together from what she has told me, I see that she did have feelings for the guy, actually liked him. And was even likely with him at least 1 to 3 times after we got back together. So, its cheating, and its another relation. It all a huge display of disrespect for me, I feel. I am sure others we know must think I am crazy to take her back, so I have some shame. On the other hand, I suppose her coming back to me should make me feel good. That she ended with this guy and returned to me and tells me she loves me, regrets, etc. But, as a Talking Heads song goes, the memories can't wait. I know its her body, but I feel like her having sex with him violated me/us. Who are we: I am 34, she is 28. We have been in a serious relationship for more than 7 months, practically living together most of that time. She and I both claim we were happy and in love before our fight and this matter of possibly cheating with this guy. Maturity level of her? She is often selfish. Has little patience much of the time. And can have wide mood swings. Can I trust her again? I think I can do that. Mainly, because she seems to have learned from this and her feelings for me at a high level again. But I do know now that she will lie if its too her benefit to do so. So, I sometimes have to take things she says with a dose of skepticism. The real reason this happened, would be good to know. She says that she was tired of me due to our very occasional bouts over jealousy topics, the last one being a big stupid one. Though, its clear, given the speed she entered this new, other relation, and the relentless pursuit of this other guy, that this other guy was also a big, big factor. The guy kept trying with her, and ultimately was in the right place at the right time (my trip away, and later, our fight). He took advantage of his opportunities. While it takes two to tango, I don't think my girl was looking for it to happen with this guy, he just was persistent enough to exploit her at weak moments for us. That said, she ended up staying in a relation with the guy from 4-6 weeks depending on what version of the story you want to believe.
jmargel Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Sorry but her using that little fight over your jealously as a reason to cheat is not going to cut it for her. With her showing little patience, and acting selfish that is a trait you will have to live with, if you stay with her. You are backing down to her threats (ie. if you continue to talk about this, she is going to leave). She has done this to you, and refuses to take responsibility including the fact that she maybe lying about the other cheating she did. I would let her know that you will be making an appointment for a counselor, and encourage her to go. If she doesnt, go for yourself and give it a few sessions. If she still refuses, then let her know that you will not live the rest of your life like this. That she needs to mature up and act like an adult or it's over. Sounds like she's gotten alot out of the relationship and you have backed down when she showed her anger. But I do know now that she will lie if its too her benefit to do so. So, I sometimes have to take things she says with a dose of skepticism. Honestly, that is no way to live. Your loved one should be the one that you trust most, the one that you can confide in and know that she will be near you through good and bad. Sounds like she is out for herself, and honestly do you see yourself wanting to put up with this for the next 50 years? Get the book 'Love must be tough' and read it. It will give you a new outlook that will benefit yourself and your relationship.
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