allieapplesauce Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) OK, real long....sorry...just need to get it out of my system.... I thought this guy i started training when promoted with last feb 07 liked me. just a vibe.nothing came until like august/sept/oct when he started wanting to hang or get something to eat after work or something...would ask others in a group. i went with the group thing like 99% of time then like one night the team was all off so i couldnt really say no when he asked to go to get something to eat. so i did. and he paid. at some point there he'd gotten my number. so we started texting--A LOT. basically constantly. and he was real flirty. telling me i looked nice, looked pretty, smiled at me, always sounded glad to see me and so on. we started hanging out like once every 2-3 weeks getting dinner usually then heading our separate ways....we started hanging out more and more until we were calling off work to hang out a couple times...and he was always asking me to hang out, or that i could call him and so on......would say "i miss you! xoxo :)" at least a few times a week. in jan he asked me to be his girlfriend. i've slept over 2 weekends now. (i live at home still for like another month before im moving out) we bought food and i made him dinner at his place. he's made me some stuff. hes made comments about how im awesome or he hopes im sticking around for a long long time and so forth. also he'd dated this girl from like highschool thru college, they married but then got divorced. i dont think they were together since at least last feb 07 but divorce final in like nov/dec? he told me a little about it. but i dont feel were at the point i can bring that stuff up? (were still in our mid-20s.) like 3 weeks ago things kinda changed. he doesnt text anymore through out the day at all now. the other night the group was out and he told me to text him when i got home and i didnt. so he texted and asked if i was home. i said yes. i said something about our other friend having a crush on him (joking of course casue of the convo that night) and he said "why you jealous? you dont wanna share me?" and i guess he was joking but still did he mean anything by it? he hardly responds back to texts. he doesnt text with smileys or any emotion. before i felt like i could text him all day and it was great now i feel like im bugging or being clingy if i send even one text. we haven't talked on the phone since either. i spent last weekend with him and things were great. now all week its like up and down. i dont really go talk to him at work (we work like 3 cubicals away so we can see each other if we turn in our seat) and he doesnt like come over to talk to me (but he has been kinda distant with the guys at work some--stuff goin on) my friernd says she doesnt think it has anything to do with me. but then there's things like last night when we talked for a min at work he was almost gonna take me to dinner tonite cause he was leaving work early but i wld be working several hours longer still---so he said he'd save some time to leave work early later this month to take me out....ok so i thought ok hes making a future plan....i guess thats good right? today he came by for a second and just touched my arm when he walked by. when he left early he talked for a min or two. then he said to text him later....but i haven't cause i will get all anxious if he doesnt text back or like im bugging him so im letting him be and im on here instead. he is talking about moving to another state. but then he'll talk about moving like 10 miles away....he's done this way back also..i dont know exactly how serious he is. he hates his job too. (it's complicated--great company, getting tired of what we're doing in our dept though--) if he wants to move i guess that's that. i cant stop him. i dont feel like he needs my permission. but he's being so casual about it, and im just like....feeling that if he did ask me to be his gf im sure not feeling like we are bf/gf....and shouldnt that be something we at least somewhat discuss? so its like some moments he calls me sweetie but then there's like no other communcation. i don't THINK im being used for sex but then a few times ive been wondering....he did persue me for a long time..... a friend at work guessed at our dating and he told the kid that we were dating...i figured if he wasnt planning on keeping it that way he wouldnt have told the kid that? also we work together so i dont know if he just doesnt want to do something since we're so right there in the dept. but he told me before he only gives girls like 30 or 60 days and if they dont show interest he moves on...but he spent a LONG time working on me...sooo i just dont know what to do!!! i'm not a jealous or clingy person. i dont need to spend 24/7 with the kid. even if we dont hang out outside of work right now, some texting or talking here and there like a "hey how was your day?" would be nice. i am anxious to move out but thats still like 6 weeks away....i dont know if things will change then....for the better i hope. i dont get crazy obsessive. i dont know if he would be the one. of course i've thought briefly of it like a "could he even remotely possibly be the one?" ....well in the beginning there seemed like there was this chemistry on our parts nad this comfortableness and calmness.....now i am back where i always am! this seems to be the normal trend im seeing from people on LS...i decided outwardly not to bother him. if he talks to me ok. i'll say hi. but i wont ask him out. i wont bug him wiht calls or text or ask him to. we'll see. would that be an effective approach? my friend said usually after like 5-6 months it usually settles down now they know they got you....but its only been like 2 months and it had already stopped.....did he just want the chase and now hes not interested? should i disappear would he chase me again? im not going thru life like that! screw that i'll just be single. my friend also said that guys are different. i see some change and am freaking out but he probably doesnt see that its changed in anyway and that its still as it was 2 months ago. i dont need the 100 text aday like before but a few would be cool.... im scared to death to become attached. i dont let my feelings out very often. i really dont want to break it off right now but i dont want to get hurt. i cant really talk to him about it cause that'll prob freak him out. im told the guy should do everything first in regards to "talks" and "initiating" .....altho i thought there should be some initiating on my part to show some interest but not too much. but then on tv they're always revealing their feelings nad it works for them! i just dont know. any thoughts from you guys...do you think or act this way with your new gf but still like her? Edited March 14, 2008 by allieapplesauce
Author allieapplesauce Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 um...ppl have viewed my post but no one's responded....sorry it's long....but i could use some help from guys and ladies please! i don't understand these mixed signals.
Kamille Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Ok, so this you two are dating, but for the last few weeks he has been distant, and this is causing you some level of anxiety, is that it? I think your own suggestion of letting him come to you is the right one. You sound like you need some kind of reassurance right now - that you aren't being used only for sex. One thing isn't clear to me though: what do you want out of your involvement with this guy? See, you need to be honest with yourself about that one, that way you have a better idea what your own boundaries should be. (I get the impression you would like an R, aren't willing to admit it because you believe it would scare him away, so are putting up with behavior that deep down you know is disrespectful).
Author allieapplesauce Posted March 16, 2008 Author Posted March 16, 2008 Thanks for your post Kamille... Yes, I'm worried because one friend who has had experience with guys says it sounds like he got himself too into it and wants it just to be casual....or those good, positive things he used to say to feel like he wanted me around for a long time, or could see himself having me around for a long time has changed in his mind. She works with me but hasn't been introduced to this guy yet. My other work friend knows this boy and is friends also (altho they dont hang out or anything) but she says she doesn't think it has anything to do with me whatsoever and that he has been distant due to things at work and hasn't been so much talking to her like he used to or the other boys in the department that are friends. My first friend mentioned above says that "guys never let anything get in the way if they are into a woman" but it's like she's saying that's the absolute rule.... something is off though. I dont want to be needy. I didn't text yesterday and he didnt either. I sent a text today and finally managed to get him on the phone after i called him (i dont feel im needy here. it'd been 3 weeks or so since our last phone convo!) he had been in the shower i guess so he didnt answ but instead of just calling i got a text. so i told him if he wanted to call me when he was dressed...and he did..but the convo was so hard i finally was like "do you want me to let you go?" and he said yeah. but he told me to text him later....he always tells me to text him later....i dont get that....so i was like 'you can always text me too' so he said 'alright i'll text you later' so we'll see how THAT goes..... i dont know what to do. im about to move out of my parents home and into an apartment in hopefully like 7 weeks. maybe things will change then...who knows? maybe its done and he isnt interested. im stressing out b/c these things have a way of not ever ever ever working out and it is a bit depressing. granted, this boy wouldnt have been on my list initially, but spending time with him and getting to know him, i am attracted to him, i like his personality, he is very sweet and good to me...had all the right moves...i would like to have a relationship with him and see where this goes, yes. i don't really want some fling if he just wants someone for sex when he wants it. I'm maybe ok with some casual right now b/c im still at home, my parents dont know abt him...our work schedules conflict even tho we work together, im earlier and he is later. so it makes it tough. but he didnt ask to hang out this weekend at all. or make any mention of plans at all even tho he has made slight mentions of things last week. texting is very impersonal, but you can spice it up with some ! or and im not really getting those like i used to. you are right how, i do want a relationship with this guy right now, but i dont know for sure what he wants anymore and my understanding is this will freak a guy out if i try to talk to him about it. for once in my life i just thought that if he asked me to be his gf, i knew where we stood and now i feel like i do with all the other boys that never last more than a few dates or months. one person tells me to TALK to him about it, the other person says DONT. one person says sounds like he's not interested, another says dont worry about it.... but im getting rather worked up about it and trying not to think about it, but it's hard to preoccupy myself. I'm real scared of getting hurt.
Kamille Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 one person tells me to TALK to him about it, the other person says DONT. one person says sounds like he's not interested, another says dont worry about it.... Well, in the end whatever you chose to do will be the right decision for you. you are right how, i do want a relationship with this guy right now, but i dont know for sure what he wants anymore and my understanding is this will freak a guy out if i try to talk to him about it. for once in my life i just thought that if he asked me to be his gf, i knew where we stood and now i feel like i do with all the other boys that never last more than a few dates or months. I think what I would advise you to imagine your dream relationship and imagine how your significant other would treat you. Would he text regularly? Would he need to be coaxed into calling you? Then, my advice is to use what it is that you know you want as grounds for bf "qualitification". Right now, this guy, even though he may be great, is not scoring up to par, so stay friendly, but let him come to you. You deserve to be treated how you want to, and the sooner you realize that you define how men treat you in relationships, the better. So basically, the question isn't, is he interested? The question is, is he treating you well enough to keep you interested.
Author allieapplesauce Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 well, a decent amount has happened in the last week. i feel better right now to an extent, but things are still a little up in the air. some other things came to rest which has let up on the stress level for THOSE things for now. the other day when i worked the same shift as my guy, we walked out together and before we went our separate ways i told him i had a question, and i didnt have "the talk" with him, but i said something a long the lines of "i know you're feeling very down right now, and it's been going on for a while and i was just concerned..." at that point he interjected with "there's no need to be concerned" we talked a bit about how he is in a "bad place" right now, mostly b/c he is on a warning at work which means he has no sick days and can't post to another position for 6 months. this is b/c of attendance due to the bad snows weve gotten this year. this has him really down b/c he's hating this dept (granted we all complain and all of us complaining doesnt help--it just makes it worse)...and feels that they're not treating him/employees like a human being--taking into consideration that he TRIED to find a way to take off that wld be approved but they wouldnt help him in any way. part of it IS his fault, but i agree with him to an extent. so anyway, he hasnt been talking to really any of our friends--the other day he just sat in his cube during his lunch and you could just tell there was this depression there. he says he doesnt want to put ppl down with him so he is being distant. he mentioned maybe seeing a therapist. i told him i was there if he wanted to talk. i also said something like "you did ask me to be your girlfriend...we do need to communicate. its been going on for a while now, im worried about you" and he made a comment like i dont need to be worried he isnt going to hurt himself. he did mention hanging out that weekend. i told him i was busy. he said maybe next weekend. still the texting and coming over at work to say hi hasnt changed for me or the others. he did tell me on friday i could call him this weekend. so i called him saturday night (last night) and we talked for like 30 minutes. he mentioned again about doing something saturday. dinner, go somethere yummy. (it'll have been 3 weeks since i was with him last--which makes for a long time for bf/gf) he told me last night i could call him tomorrow (which is tonite) and that i could text him later if i wanted. we talked about how im moving out and i'll really have a lot of the stores real close. i told him he could help me get a tv and he agreed that it would be his job. he also said he had some plastic totes i could borrow to pack and if i needed help to let him know. anyway, i texted him a bit later, he wrote back something, then i said i didnt feel good so i was going to bed and he said i hope you feel better. so that was that. i started also that im going to send him little texts once or twice a day just saying "i hope you have a good day!" or something---and not expect a text in return. i hope i am not being pesty. i dont think so. i want to try to make him feel better. something needs to change. i am not going to have "the talk" and risk scaring him off or sounding greedy since he isnt giving me time. i think from my views the last few days and co workers and another friend who met him once that he did go to therapy a few years ago for something due to some social work type job that got to him...he might be just someone who really gets into a state like this and really just escapes into his own self---and this might be something new im seeing that i didnt realize. and he might not be able to help it. im going to make myself be the confident person i know i can be and take this relationship as it goes and not look for the worst possible scenerio which is that he isnt interested or doesnt want a relationship. he persued me for liek 6 months until i was ready to go to the next step and he asked me to be his girlfriend. he talked of hte future and that he was keeping me around for a long time--i know things can change but i gotta hold on to that. he had said i could call him tmr (tonite) so i think i am. thats not clingy i dont think. if we cant hang out and talk during hte week w/ our schedules, phone calls are warranted right? does my assessment of this whole thing seem to be on par? i think so...so we'll take it one day at a time.
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