FolderWife Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I have a failed marriage. When I "gave up" on the marriage, I found ways to avoid coming home, and avoid talking to my husband, and just avoid avoid avoid until things finally fell apart completely. I have been living with my current boyfriend for over a year. The biggest fight between us a few months ago was that his friend was over at our house from Friday evening, until Sunday night. I would get my boyfriend through the week when he was tired, and while we did the chores and paid the bills, but on the weekends when it was "fun time" I had to share him with his friend every second. This went on for a couple of months, until finally his friend got a girlfriend. My boyfriend and I had a good couple of months after his friend got a girlfriend, until I came home one day in a bad mood and picked a fight with him. As punishment for my bad mood, my boyfriend left me at home to go to the bar. I was FINE with my "punishment" of being ditched at home until about 3:30 a.m., which is 30 minutes after the bars close. At 3:30 I became FURIOUS. He stayed out until 4 a.m. My boyfriend says that I have jealousy issues. I feel like he disrespected me by staying out that late. I also feel that it's unfair to me to have to share all the "fun time" with his friends. At some point during this fight, he said that it's GOOD for couples to spend time apart. Well I WANT to be around him. When he leaves me at home to go hang out with his friends, I feel like he prefers their company. My boyfriend said that I never give him a chance to "miss" me. If one of my friends wanted to do something, and my boyfriend didn't want to tag along, I wouldn't go along, because I would RATHER be with my boyfriend. Usually. Lately, however, I have been heeding his request to "miss" me, and have been avoiding going home. I almost dread going home. The fight is over, and we seem to be getting along, but in order to stop being "Up his a$$" as he put it, I've had to distance myself from him emotionally. So how is it healthy to WANT to spend time apart? I feel like doing things seperately is causing more damage than good. I'm not missing him. Sometimes I want to be home (because home is a good place) but it's not becuase I miss him like it used to be. This doesn't feel like a healthy relationship. It felt like a healthy relationship when I couldn't wait to get hom to him.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Time apart is very healthy if both partners have separate interests they pursue and enjoy. It's not something to do for the sake of staying apart. What are you doing while you are out of the house? What are your interests? Sounds to me like you are just stewing and counting the minutes until you can go back home. If that is the case, then no what you are doing is not healthy.
blind_otter Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 It is a good idea to spend some time apart, IMO. Have interests outside the R and such. But I also think your BF was being a bit obtuse - spending every.single.weekend. with his friends would get real old, real fast. Did you ever ask him to have a "just us" weekend? Also, him staying out until 4am was really sucky. JMO. When my SO was going out to bars, I really didn't like it, either. But it is a good idea to have an outside outlet. JMO.
carhill Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 OP, are you projecting your actions and their base impetus, during your marriage, onto your current BF? If yes, counseling might help you. Also, from the tone of your post, I sense a possibility of an insecure attachment style. Normally, you would trust your BF to be responsible for himself doing things he liked with people he liked doing them with. I found myself doing a bit of what you describe over the last couple years, mostly out of guilt, because I felt I had directed too much attention away from my wife to my ill mother, and she felt a bit smothered by it. We're now in MC and I'm not joining her for travel/interests that are more exclusive to her. I'll know soon if this is a good idea or not I'm more of a homebody and we have a huge property with never ending projects, which I enjoy. To each their own, I guess....
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 There has to be an even balance - You can't rely on ONLY him to make you happy and to keep you busy. You must have women friends that you see or go out with on occasion? Even if it's the weekend? Honestly, My H and I get on eachothers nerves if we spend ALL our time together. I love that he has his things he does, whether it be going out with his buddy's, or does his own thing in the house (computer work, building something, or some other project) just like there are time I want to go hangout with my friends, or neighbours, or be on the computer. A couple can't spend 24/7 together otherwise fighting occurs. It's good to have space, and yeah, to miss eachother abit. Even if you do live together.. The key is to have a balance and also to ENJOY the time apart, not look at it that 'he' prefer spending time with friends than with you. When he goes out, take advantage of your time alone! Now, him going out so late and not coming home till 4, past the bars closing was a stupid choice on his part. He was punishing you and purposely making you feel bad. THAT is disrespectful and wrong. Somehow you two need to work on the respect level and communication. Instead of feeling hurt all the time, each of you need to learn to compromise, put the other person first more and be more loving to eachother. Name calling, hurt feelings and fighting isn't the way to go....
Walk Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Your bf is one giant a$$. He punished you for being in a bad mood? Childish. How old is he? I don't even know where to begin. Your bf was spending every available free moment with his friend, and only allowing you the time that wasn't immediately spent with his friend (work evenings). When you got upset with him while in a bad mood, he dealt with it by running to the bar and staying out all night. He then tells you he wants less time with you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be resentful as hell about how the bf spent every weekend with his friend. It doesn't seem as if your bf see's you as someone he really wants to spend time with except when there's nothing else to do. Is that the kind of relationship you really want? Its great to have time away from your partner when you actually feel like your loved and wanted the rest of the time, but I don't think your bf makes you feel loved and wanted. Even when things are good between you, he'd rather spend his time with someone else. He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to spend time together. I think you're reacting rather normally to a man who's showing you that he doesn't think that highly of you. And I think it would help you a great deal to figure out what you really need and want from a partner. You love this guy, but is he really making you feel happy in your life? Has he made you feel like you were an important part of his life prior to the head in a$$ comment? I don't think you have a problem, except that you need someone who shows you more consideration. I think you should let this guy go and find someone who's more mature, and who will share your ideals about time together (or apart).
baker23 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 OP, I believe that spending time apart from your SO is a healthy aspect of every relationship, but like someone has already said, if the time you spend apart, you count the minutes until you go back home, it kind of defits the purpose. If you don't want to go out with ypur friends, think of hubbues you'll like to persue, and after you spend time to yourself and enjoy it, you won't be so upset that your boyfriend wants time for himself. After he sees that you don't expect him to provide all the fun and entertainment in your life, he will be more incline to spend more time with you because he won't feel like you are asfixiating him. IMO when a person thinks you are responsible with his/her happiness, you feel smothered, pressured, trapped. Develop interests of your own; be happy with yourself, and then he will come and complement that happiness, but don't make him responsible for your happiness. You are the only one who can make you happy.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I was FINE with my "punishment" of being ditched at home until about 3:30 a.m., which is 30 minutes after the bars close. At 3:30 I became FURIOUS. He stayed out until 4 a.m. I'm sorry but I had to laugh at this. 3:00 am is fine but 4:00 am made you furious? That's a fine line... Mr. Lucky
johan Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 No woman is ever going to go up my ass. That is for BIDDEN. He might just be self-conscious about that. Try not to go up his ass.
lovingheart Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I understand where you are coming from. You are unhappy with the fact that your boyfriend spends a lot of time with his friends and has other interests. I also had expectations of total togetherness when I was married and I think that we both felt smothered. I think that it would be a good idea if you found some outlet for yourself that made you happy e.g. yoga, learning a new skill, spending time with your friends. When you are feeling happier within yourself then you may find that the relationship might change (if you decide you still want him that is). Good luck!!
Author FolderWife Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) I've been doing some soul searching, and I've figured out some of what my problem is. When I left my husband for my boyfriend, we moved 100 miles away from where I lived. I left my best friend behind. I had to sacrifice spending time with my best friend to be with him, but he didn't have to sacrifice anything. I can't help but resent that a little. All of the female friends that I've made in this new town have children (also known as brats) and their children are all between the ages of 2 and 6, so they are a total nuisance. I've tried finding friends without children, but it isn't easy in my age group. A friend and I went for a nice relaxing walk in the park yesterday, but she had to bring her kids, and they were whining and picking on each other the entire time so our relax time ended up making us MORE stressed. My boyfriend's friends have children, but men have the luxury of dumping their kids on the mother. So I'm stuck by myself on Friday night. Also, I don't have any hobbies. The only activy that I truely enjoy is shopping, but money is super tight right now, so I've had to give up shopping. I HATE HATE HATE to exercise, but I've started trying to do that so that I'll have something to do, so as not to be "up his a$$" all the time. So in order for him to get a chance to "miss" me, I have to do something that I absolutely do not enjoy. I resent that too. And to answer why 4 a.m. made me mad, but 3 a.m. didn't: The bars close at 3. The bars are 15 minutes away, so he should've been home by 3:15. When he wasn't home by 3:30 a.m., I was pissed. He didn't have to close down the bar...he could've come home at 1 or 2 or 3, but he stayed out an HOUR past when the bars closed. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back that night. Edited March 14, 2008 by FolderWife
Woggle Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 He has a right to a life of his own and you should respect that.
sb129 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I think you're reacting rather normally to a man who's showing you that he doesn't think that highly of you. And I think it would help you a great deal to figure out what you really need and want from a partner. You love this guy, but is he really making you feel happy in your life? Has he made you feel like you were an important part of his life prior to the head in a$$ comment? I don't think you have a problem, except that you need someone who shows you more consideration. I think you should let this guy go and find someone who's more mature, and who will share your ideals about time together (or apart). Absolutely. Again- why are you with this guy FolderWife? He has a right to a life of his own and you should respect that. At what cost Woggle? Her self respect? Her friendships? Its very one-sided. Go read some of FWs other threads lets see if you still take his side.
Woggle Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I admit that I didn't read the other threads but I think she needs to find some interests of her own so she isn't always depending on him and resenting him for having his own life. It's not healthy to expect somebody to give up their entire life and their friends because they are in a relationship
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Why not plan a trip home to visit your bestfriend for a long weekend or something! 100 miles isn't that far.
Trialbyfire Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Why not plan a trip home to visit your bestfriend for a long weekend or something! 100 miles isn't that far. I agree! 100 miles, if it's highway driving, shouldn't take you more than 1.5 hours to get there. Even better, take a week or two off work, kick back and relax with your friend.
Walk Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Better yet, drive the 100 miles to see your best friend and then forget to come back. He'll have plenty of time to miss you at that point.
PerfectLee Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I left my best friend behind. I had to sacrifice spending time with my best friend to be with him, but he didn't have to sacrifice anything. I can't help but resent that a little. As women, we tend to resent the smallest things and later realize that we could have lived life a lot happier without it. Relationships are about sacrifice, as you know, but c'mon... the decision was made and it's in the past. I'm sure he's had to sacrifice something along the way too. My GF came home at 5am once, and the bars close at 2pm here in California. At 9pm when she left she kissed me good-bye and said "I'll be home in a few hours", well... 8 hours went by. She was hanging out with only her brother (whom she hadn't seen in a while) and yes, I was irritated, worried a little, I called her twice the whole night and she ended up hanging out with her brother who was friends with one of the bartenders. They hung out at the bar after hours (not drinking) and caught up on old times. My GF hardly ever goes out though, so I thought about it & I do trust her, so I didn't give her a hard time. Guess what? She missed me like crazy because I wasn't there with her, and I was understanding. She wasn't out being crazy drunk (which is a 360 from what she used to be like) so maybe you should cut him a little slack for that night. Maybe he had some convos before he left completely. I don't know what his drinking style is, but knowing you'll be home when he gets there is a security blanket for him. So what if your friends have kids, go to their house, have fun once the kids are asleep. That's what I do. You have to find hobbies, even if it's online stuff, go back to school, online classes, take on a project at home, whatever...just keep yourself busy and take away his security blanket.
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