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We live 3000 miles apart from each other..and I think were fallin apart..i need

jessicarabbit

By jessicarabbit
in Long-Distance Relationships

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jessicarabbit Established Member

jessicarabbit

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Hello Everyone I know this is long but please read it I really need help. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months now. I met him last summer while I was on vacation in the Cayman Islands and we fell madly in love. :love: He lives there, and I live in California. I get to see him every 3 months when I have breaks in school, he cant come into the US though because he does not has a visitors visa. Everything has been going fine up until about a month ago. I began to become confused with our relationship when the strong feelings of love I use to have for him began to fade away.:sick: Yet I still found myself saying that I loved him, but I was never really sure if I truly meant it. A few days ago he told me he thought I was acting diffrent, so I told him that I wasnt sure if I felt the same anymore, and that I just really needed to see him because I felt that when I saw him the feelings would come back. He took the news the really wrong way and we were fighting for nearly 12 hours. :mad: After we almost broke up I realized that I cant be with out him and I told him that, but he was still really hurt from the fact that I was loosing my feelings. :( Last night he did something very strange though...last night he made up some elaborate lie that a girl emailed him and said she was pregnant with his baby, but that she was only saying it to get his attention and that he infact knew it wasnt true. (KEEP INMIND THIS IS ALL A LIE THAT HE IS TELLING) I asked a bunch of questions and after he changed his story about 6 times I confirmed that he was lying, and I made him swear on his moms life that he wasnt lying about this "girl that emailed him saying she was pregant with his baby", but he still is not budging and saying that it did indeed happen. I told him I wouldnt be mad if he just came clean to me and told me he made up that story for attention, but he just keeps gettin mad at me for accusing him of being a liar...now I am begining to think that he is some sort of a pathological liar and am on the verge of braking up with him and I am suppose to go down to visit him in 9 days... what am I suppose to do...?:confused:

babycheeks Member

babycheeks

Posted
Posted (edited)

Jessica what did you expect the relationship to be... you sound like you didnt understand what a true LD committed relationship was and maybe he did and of course HES HURT... did u expect the little butterflies to always be there.. after about 8mths to a year they start to fade and the reality of a real relationship takes place, its always that way. Now becuase he has been hurt he is going to react the way that he is... unfortantly in a very bad way by becoming a liar ( and who wants a liar)but he has lost all trust in you and you in him guys when hurt usually will act out like this when they are young,immature, or feel they have no outlet.. this relationship cannot be restored unless you both truly want this commit to it have a conversation about where you stand and work on it .. if you cant do that then yes its time to break up. I personally think if your thinking things like that about him.. and you dont see this guy in your future then just break off the flight break up and spare him the pain of even seeing you. Next time dont expect things to be all butterflies forever and learn to keep trust in your relationships....Ld takes just a stronger pair then this and frankly i dont think u two got it.. im sorry it sounds cruel but face it, and on another note this is not love... its a strong infactuation you had that when the butterflies died you let the relationship die..

 

 

Best wishes and take care

Edited by babycheeks
TMichaels Established Member

TMichaels

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hello Everyone I know this is long but please read it I really need help. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 8 months now. I met him last summer while I was on vacation in the Cayman Islands and we fell madly in love. :love: He lives there, and I live in California. I get to see him every 3 months when I have breaks in school, he cant come into the US though because he does not has a visitors visa.

 

He can't come to see you because he doesn't have a Visitor's Visa? Why doesn't he get one? It's not rocket science. Some friends of mine have friends in Cayman. They visit the U.S. all the time. Why is it up to you to do all the traveling if you're in this relationship as "a couple?" Have you ever considered this relationship is a bit one-sided with you doing all of the work chasing after him?

 

Everything has been going fine up until about a month ago. I began to become confused with our relationship when the strong feelings of love I use to have for him began to fade away.:sick: Yet I still found myself saying that I loved him, but I was never really sure if I truly meant it. A few days ago he told me he thought I was acting diffrent, so I told him that I wasnt sure if I felt the same anymore, and that I just really needed to see him because I felt that when I saw him the feelings would come back.

 

Are you sure you aren't confusing "love" with something else, like "sex?" Sure LDRs are tough, but people who truly are "in love" as opposed to "in lust," usually don't require a "re-charge" to verify their feelings.

 

He took the news the really wrong way and we were fighting for nearly 12 hours. :mad:

 

Well, I suppose whether he should be hurt or not depends on how you delivered the message. Saying so isn't the worst thing that can happen. The worst is NOT being honest with each other. How old are both of you, BTW?

 

After we almost broke up I realized that I cant be with out him and I told him that, but he was still really hurt from the fact that I was loosing my feelings. :(

 

Why have you now decided that you can't be without him? Is it because you feel guilty for "hurting him?" Or, something else?

 

Last night he did something very strange though...last night he made up some elaborate lie that a girl emailed him and said she was pregnant with his baby, but that she was only saying it to get his attention and that he infact knew it wasnt true. (KEEP INMIND THIS IS ALL A LIE THAT HE IS TELLING)

 

How do you know he was lying? Have you considered he may have decided that since you were being totally honest with YOUR feelings, that it was okay for HIM to also tell you the truth?

 

I asked a bunch of questions and after he changed his story about 6 times I confirmed that he was lying, and I made him swear on his moms life that he wasnt lying about this "girl that emailed him saying she was pregant with his baby", but he still is not budging and saying that it did indeed happen.

 

Then why don't you believe him? Is it because you don't want it to be true?

 

I told him I wouldnt be mad if he just came clean to me and told me he made up that story for attention, but he just keeps gettin mad at me for accusing him of being a liar...

 

Well, put the shoe on the other foot... Wouldn't you be offended if he accused YOU of lying to HIM?

 

now I am begining to think that he is some sort of a pathological liar and am on the verge of braking up with him and I am suppose to go down to visit him in 9 days... what am I suppose to do...?:confused:

 

Why would you think he was a pathological liar? A deliberate liar knows he is lying. A pathological liar may not. Has he lied to you before? About what? How often has he lied to you? If that's the case, why is continuing a relationship with him so compelling for you?

 

Should you go ahead with your planned visit in nine days? If I were you, I'd do some hard thinking about what this relationship is all about.

 

It's not uncommon to go on holiday, fall "madly in love" with someone you met there, but a fling, does not a relationship make. At the risk of sounding redundant, because I made the same observation about another situation on the forum recently, it sounds to me your "feeling of the love has faded" is your gut speaking, rather than another part of your anatomy this time.

 

It might behoove you to pay attention to that "red flag" instead of trying to "revive your feelings" by yet another trip. If you don't visit as planned, if this guy has any legitimate feelings for you, he'll be falling all over himself figuring out a way to come and see YOU.

 

If and when that happens, you can decide THEN whether you want to continue the relationship. But for now, considering what's happened and how you're feeling, I think visiting isn't the most advantageous way for you to spend your spring break.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
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jessicarabbit Established Member

jessicarabbit

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Posted

No I really do love him, its just hard for me to entirely understand what is going on because i am so young and this is my first relationship...ever. he cant get a visa because there is no US embassy in the Cayman Islands and he does not have enough money to fly elsewhere to get it. I am 19 and he is 26. I know he is lying because I checked his email and there was no email from this "girl" that he was talking about. Yes he has lied to me many times before, he over exsagurates everything, and constantly makes stuff up. I have kind of gotten use to it, but this particular lie was pretty extreme...

TMichaels Established Member

TMichaels

Posted
Posted (edited)
No I really do love him, its just hard for me to entirely understand what is going on because i am so young and this is my first relationship...ever. I am 19 and he is 26.

 

Fair enough, but you're not too young to know better, and he's certainly old enough to not be playing silly games with ostensibly someone he loves.

 

he cant get a visa because there is no US embassy in the Cayman Islands and he does not have enough money to fly elsewhere to get it.

 

The Cayman Islands are, however, part of the consular district administered by the U.S. Embassy in Kingston, Jamaica. Inquiries regarding visas to the U.S. or other consular matters should be directed to the consular section of the U.S. Embassy, 142 Old Hope Road, Kingston 6, Jamaica; tel: (876) 702-6000; fax: (876) 702-6001.

 

FYI, flight between Cayman and Kingston is about one hour and approx $300 USD for the fare. Visitor Visas are usually good for 10 years and allow multiple re-entries which means once the visa has been granted it isn't necessary to appear at a U.S. Embassy for a decade. Can't get much cheaper than what works out to be a paltry 30 bucks a year...

 

I know he is lying because I checked his email and there was no email from this "girl" that he was talking about.

 

You have access to his email? Why?

 

How do you know that's his ONLY email address/box? Has it not occurred to you that the offending email could have been removed before you had a chance to see it? If he knows you have access to his email account, he certainly could have deleted it so you couldn't "have proof" of his guilt/innocence, either way.

 

Yes he has lied to me many times before, he over exsagurates everything, and constantly makes stuff up. I have kind of gotten use to it, but this particular lie was pretty extreme...

 

Uh, "you've gotten used to it?" Is that the kind of relationship you want to have? Why would you ever want to what amounts to trusting your life and your future to someone who is a habitual liar? Aren't you worth more respect than that?

 

But, in the end, it's your life, jessicarabbit. Live and learn.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
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