Very Weird Situation With a Married Woman

[Tiz]

I’m confused about a current situation that I’m having with a married woman, and I shouldn’t be confused, the answer is right in front of me, but I need others input and nudging about what I should do and for anyone to just slap me across the face and lay it down for me about what’s going on. Sorry its long, please bear with it, I think the details are important

 

I met her a little over a year ago. She is 26 and I’m 32. I lived in her parent’s guest house for two months and both of her brothers are good friends of mine. I have a good relationship with all of her family. When we met she had been engaged for almost a year. She was only with her fiancé for three months in South America and on the phone with him long distance about 9 months before they actually said the vows. Her entire family was against the marriage from the beginning because of the short courtship, but she seemed intent almost stubborn about going through with it

 

As soon as we met three months before her fiancé came to the U.S. there was this flirty type of vibe between us. She would ask me out sort of like she was pursuing me. I initially wasn’t just head over heels physically attracted to her, but I grew to like her. Everyone that saw us together her friends and family thought we were together, because of the obvious chemistry. We spent a lot of time together. It eventually led to touching and what I felt was sort of an emotional like attachment, but I never really pursued her I just became attached. When I was 19 I had an affair with a 31 year old married woman and got sued over it, so I will never again cross a sexual line with a married woman or even an engaged woman, so I never made a "move”. She told me that she never cheated on her partners also. Whether or not this is true I have no idea. What we were doing was actually cheating though. I now know what an emotional affair is and certain that I have crossed that line.

 

After she got married we continued to see each other. The emotional affair continued, the touching continued, and the deep stares continued and we never really said anything or talked about what I thought was a mutual attraction. That was one of my many errors was communication in the beginning of all this. I just accepted that she was married, and this infatuation with me has continued to grow up until now. Needless to say her husband I think saw this in the beginning, but said he felt better about she and I being “friends” once he got to know me, but I know if she acted around him the way she did around me when he wasn’t there he definitely wouldn’t have felt ok about it. Since then I’ve somewhat distanced myself from her. I know what I’m doing is wrong. I only saw her about once a month and didn’t ever call her. She always calls me when she wants to meet. Almost three months went by and I didn’t talk to her or see her and I went by her house. She basically told me that her marriage was in shambles. I don’ t think I was a direct cause, because I had backed off when this meltdown occurred, but I’m sure that any interaction that I had with her that her husband knew about hadn’t helped. They are in counseling now and he is seeing a psychiatrist. She told me that he had become extremely paranoid, and I wanted to say, “No s**t? I wonder why?” He was having violent outbursts, and apparently jealousy issues not only over guys she would just talk to in conversation, but over her spending time even with girlfriends. Also he’s been having problems with her family. He even threatened to kill her mother and burn down her parent’s house if she left him! So, I guess you could say her marriage has deteriorated rapidly. She told me that a divorce was pretty much certain, just a matter of time.

 

My current dating life pretty much sucks, because I don’t think I’ve been putting myself out there honestly because I’ve been thinking about how I was going to play this after she got a divorce, but still I haven’t called her or gone by her house, but I’ve been pondering my game plan. I know for the year I’ve known her that she has had me on some sort of leash. I’m just now getting back on my feet after a pretty bad clinical depression, so my ‘game’ probably isn’t the best in the world. Probably the logical thing to do is to get another girl so I can forget about her, but I have this want what I can’t have complex, and I seem to be stuck on her. I mean I live in Southern California, so there’s no shortage of amazing women. I moved here about two years ago and they look great but most of them are crazy I’m coming to find out.

 

So, this is where it gets really weird and confusing I guess for me if all this already isn’t weird enough. Early this morning I woke up to her phone call with her asking me to come over and cuddle. I never really have done this with her before, but I went to her house. Mind you this is at her and her husband’s house in their bed. I know I’m an idiot. So, we’re lying there spooning and somehow the conversation came up about our relationship, and I pretty much let her know that I’ve wanted her since I met her. I said it matter of fact and was straightforward and I don’t think I seemed clingy or possessive about it. I told her that I wasn’t asking her for a serious relationship I just wanted to see where things went if she wasn’t married. She seemed a little shocked and explained to me what she thought of me all along. She explained that she’s had “friends” like me all through her dating life like me that she’s somewhat attracted to, but that I wasn’t the type that she would have a relationship with. She’s had guys that she considered friends and that she could hang out with without worrying about her appearance and she felt completely at ease with. Some of these guys she’s had sex with and some she hasn’t, but she said the relationship usually took a turn with the guy wanting to know what was going on. I guess that’s the way I feel. I want to know where I stand in her mind. The friend’s that became FWB she said those relationships usually ended poorly with the guy eventually wanting a relationship. I don’t understand her behavior. She explained that guys she was genuinely interested in as a partner she couldn’t flirt with. She seizes up and can’t talk, social anxiety. The ones that she wants to be friends with she flirts with and acts completely sexually overt with. I mean is she lying about this trying to play me more or could this be just some crazy mixed signal problem that she has? About ten minutes go by and we’re lying there spooning heavy petting flirting going on and she gets up to go shower before lunch. She undresses in front of me completely naked, shows me a dildo that’s hers, and asks if I 'm well endowed and grabs it through my jeans. Am I crazy? Ten minutes prior she said that she considered me a friend. She expressed to me that she wouldn’t have sex with me during her marriage, but what am I supposed to think? Possibly she’s having sex with me after I expressed to her that I want her. The games continue. She has the upper hand, because she said that she values me as a friend and I told her that I want her, but her actions say different.

 

So, I’m really confused about how to play this. I’m sure the smart play would be to distance myself as far away from her as possible, but I think now I just really want to have sex with her. I’m smart enough to know that a relationship with her would never work. It won’t work with anyone she’s with. She’s married and look at what she’s doing with me. Obviously she’s got major issues, and I guess I do too. I do feel more comfortable that I let her know how I feel about her, but at the same time I feel like it’s given her free reign to play me if I continue just to be her ‘friend’. If she’s not just teasing I think that she’s trying to tell me without saying that she wants me as a FWB after divorce or maybe even now I’m not sure. Am I wrong here?

 

I’d like to hear anyone’s opinions. Let me have it. I kind of want more of woman’s perspective on what is going on here. Just be honest with me even if it’s harsh I want honest opinions about similar experience or advice on how to proceed.

Edited April 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[LucreziaBorgia]

The best thing you can do is run. She will mess you up so badly that you will wish you had never met her.

[carhill]

Well, he could suspend reality and get a poke in first....

 

I was reading the OP and envisioning the next episode of "The O.C."

 

Seriously though, dude, run; venomous serpent; stay away.

[dreamergrl]

Like sand through an hour glass, these are the days of our lives...

[Stockalone]

So the husband is more or less a lunatic and you want to bang his wife?

 

I would also advice you to run but it seems like you don't want to. So you should at least ask her if her husband owns a gun.

[Tiz]

I did say in my post I was stupid, but he doesn't own a gun.

[Tripper]

Are you kidding me?? This chick sounds a bit psycho to me. And so does her husband.

I'd get the hell away from her as fast as possible.

[whichwayisup]

You are going to get hurt if you continue with her. She's married and that's the bottomline. NOTHING good can come of this sitation.

 

What you CAN do is, end with her and explain that if she wants to be with you, then she should divorce her husband and THEN you two can start dating. Being her little side dish when she wants to cuddle isn't cool and also, how do YOU feel being the cake that she's eating on the side?

 

Go read some threads in the OW/OM section - Read stampdaddy's thread, maybe you'll gain some insight on what you're up against.

[shanny]

I know this sounds really mean, but I think this could be it. I think she is using you to build her self esteem. She's just getting out of a bad relationship and probably feels like crap about herself. Maybe she's wondering what she did wrong with her marriage... As a woman, I know that the best way to get over insecurity is to feel wanted, and even feel like you have power over someone. Don't let yourself be her ego trip. If you were into meaningless sex I would say go for it, but you are attached to her and you don't deserve to be treated like a self esteem boost for her.

 

You obviously don't have luck with married women... I'd just stay away.

[JosieMcCoy]

You don't want a married woman! Married women loooking for sex outside their marriage are trash! Plain and simple! Have the honesty to get a divorce!

[Mary3]

You don't want a married woman! Married women loooking for sex outside their marriage are trash! Plain and simple! Have the honesty to get a divorce!

 

Wow ! Well spoken

[Tiz]

Thanks for the answers guys. A small part of me wants to stay her friend minus the cuddling, going to her house, etc. instead of just basically x-ing her out of my life completely, but the bigger part of me says run like hell and don't look back no explanation or anything. She says one thing and does another so I don't know what alot more talking is going to accomplish. What do any of you think about the undressing, grabbing my crotch, sex talk is all about after I revealed my feelings about her? Is she asking for sex or is she playing the "I'm powerful I've got you by the balls

now" game? My roomate thinks I'm gay for not throwing her on the bad after that and ravaging her.

[sb129]

She is using you. The fact that she married this guy she hardly knows while flirting outrageously with you suggests to me that she has major issues with self esteem and wouldn't think twice about hurting a man.

 

How come you got sued? Is that possible? Crazzzy.

[sb129]

I think you are VERY WISE for not throwing her on the bed and ravaging you after that.

Who knows what way she could end up manipulating you if she literally has you by the (blue) balls.

 

She sounds unhinged and I would eliminate her from my life if I were you.... women like that manipulate guys like you to get what they want- whether its compliments, gifts, someone to hang out with or even more extreme.....

[Tiz]

I got sued by the couple for money that they said I owed them for a vacation that I had gone on with them. Financially, there was no way I could pay for the trip, but she insisted on footing the bill with no obligation to pay them back. I was having sex with her on the vacation while he was there! 19 years old and stupid. He finally found out about the affair and I was already thousands of miles away and I think he thought the lawsuit was just a way to get to me. It never made it to court for lack of evidence. I've learned alot since then, but look at this current mess. I find myself in these situations from time to time, but I'm handling them better when they present themself.

[sb129]

Dude- learn from experience.

 

DON"T sleep with her... extricate yourself. NOW!

[Tiz]

I know it's really a mute point, but I'm just curious if she would've had sex with me or if she was just toying with me knowing that she would turn down my advances. She's told me that she never sexually cheats meaning intercourse on her partners. I guess this could all be a lie as part of the manipulation.

[sb129]

Who cares? What she did make clear is that she doesn't feel the same way about you as you feel about her, so if she HAD had sex with you, it wouldn't have been for the reasons you wanted it to be, so you should be happy it didn't happen.

[Tiz]

She did express she thought of me as a friend, but is that a lie also to keep me on the leash. It gives her the power. Also, I think I could have no strings sex with her now that I know what she's all about. The possibility of a relationship has no doubt flown out the window in my mind. The sex can happen just later down the line when she's not married. Its funny how any respect I had for her just disappeared in a day. All this is is just a drawn out sexual infatuation. Nothing more. I'm probably way overanalyzing this.

Edited March 14, 2008 by Tiz

[norajane]

She did express she thought of me as a friend, but is that a lie also to keep me on the leash. It gives her the power. Also, I think I could have no strings sex with her now that I know what she's all about. The possibility of a relationship has no doubt flown out the window in my mind. The sex can happen just later down the line when she's not married. Its funny how any respect I had for her just disappeared in a day. All this is is just a drawn out sexual infatuation. Nothing more. I'm probably way overanalyzing this.

 

You're lying to yourself. You can't have sex with her and then forget about it - you are already way too sucked into her game for that. The fact that you're even posting about says so, even if the content of your posts didn't already make it clear.

 

You are in for a world of hurt if you continue this relationship in any way. She is using you, and her psycho husband will break your legs if he finds out about it.

[Tiz]

Well, I've had two conversations with her since I wrote this post about what she is doing to her husband and me. I can take this, but I feel it's doing real damage to her husband and her marriage. I went into everything like the self esteem issues, the insecurity, the power trip, the emotional affair damage to her husband. It bothered her but she sticks to her guns that she loves me as a friend and nothing else and has had mostly guy friends her whole life. She's a California free spirit chick, and I'm starting to believe that this is the way that she really is even though a marriage can't survive under these conditions. She told me that her husband is starting to accept this. She is going to visit one of these "friends" in Chicago she had sex with before her marriage without her husband. She swears nothing will happen sexually. Its unbelievable to me. Is this crossing a line or can women really seperate themselves from this once married or in a serious relationship? I know I could never trust her.

Edited March 22, 2008 by Tiz

[Tiz]

UPDATE:

I ended up dating this girl from 2011 to 2018 despite the sound advice I was getting from everyone that cared about me.  What an absolute nightmare, but in the back of my mind I sort of knew what I was getting into.  Crazy girl with real problems and crazy sex. I should have listened to the poster that said run.  She ended up doing the same thing to me that she did to her ex husband and has a new victim that is clueless. After so much fighting throughout the relationship I did run and haven’t looked back.  What a waste of time.  

[basil67]

Honest opinion?  You're not a victim and unless she's lying to the new guy about her marital status, he's not a victim either.  Quite simply, you chose to play with fire and got burned.

Glad you saw sense in the end.  I wish you well in future relationships.

Edited April 4, 2021 by basil67

[Emilyinroses]

On 3/13/2008 at 8:01 PM, Tiz said:

I’m confused about a current situation that I’m having with a married woman, and I shouldn’t be confused, the answer is right in front of me, but I need others input and nudging about what I should do and for anyone to just slap me across the face and lay it down for me about what’s going on. Sorry its long, please bear with it, I think the details are important

 

I met her a little over a year ago. She is 26 and I’m 32. I lived in her parent’s guest house for two months and both of her brothers are good friends of mine. I have a good relationship with all of her family. When we met she had been engaged for almost a year. She was only with her fiancé for three months in South America and on the phone with him long distance about 9 months before they actually said the vows. Her entire family was against the marriage from the beginning because of the short courtship, but she seemed intent almost stubborn about going through with it

 

As soon as we met three months before her fiancé came to the U.S. there was this flirty type of vibe between us. She would ask me out sort of like she was pursuing me. I initially wasn’t just head over heels physically attracted to her, but I grew to like her. Everyone that saw us together her friends and family thought we were together, because of the obvious chemistry. We spent a lot of time together. It eventually led to touching and what I felt was sort of an emotional like attachment, but I never really pursued her I just became attached. When I was 19 I had an affair with a 31 year old married woman and got sued over it, so I will never again cross a sexual line with a married woman or even an engaged woman, so I never made a "move”. She told me that she never cheated on her partners also. Whether or not this is true I have no idea. What we were doing was actually cheating though. I now know what an emotional affair is and certain that I have crossed that line.

 

After she got married we continued to see each other. The emotional affair continued, the touching continued, and the deep stares continued and we never really said anything or talked about what I thought was a mutual attraction. That was one of my many errors was communication in the beginning of all this. I just accepted that she was married, and this infatuation with me has continued to grow up until now. Needless to say her husband I think saw this in the beginning, but said he felt better about she and I being “friends” once he got to know me, but I know if she acted around him the way she did around me when he wasn’t there he definitely wouldn’t have felt ok about it. Since then I’ve somewhat distanced myself from her. I know what I’m doing is wrong. I only saw her about once a month and didn’t ever call her. She always calls me when she wants to meet. Almost three months went by and I didn’t talk to her or see her and I went by her house. She basically told me that her marriage was in shambles. I don’ t think I was a direct cause, because I had backed off when this meltdown occurred, but I’m sure that any interaction that I had with her that her husband knew about hadn’t helped. They are in counseling now and he is seeing a psychiatrist. She told me that he had become extremely paranoid, and I wanted to say, “No s**t? I wonder why?” He was having violent outbursts, and apparently jealousy issues not only over guys she would just talk to in conversation, but over her spending time even with girlfriends. Also he’s been having problems with her family. He even threatened to kill her mother and burn down her parent’s house if she left him! So, I guess you could say her marriage has deteriorated rapidly. She told me that a divorce was pretty much certain, just a matter of time.

 

My current dating life pretty much sucks, because I don’t think I’ve been putting myself out there honestly because I’ve been thinking about how I was going to play this after she got a divorce, but still I haven’t called her or gone by her house, but I’ve been pondering my game plan. I know for the year I’ve known her that she has had me on some sort of leash. I’m just now getting back on my feet after a pretty bad clinical depression, so my ‘game’ probably isn’t the best in the world. Probably the logical thing to do is to get another girl so I can forget about her, but I have this want what I can’t have complex, and I seem to be stuck on her. I mean I live in Southern California, so there’s no shortage of amazing women. I moved here about two years ago and they look great but most of them are crazy I’m coming to find out.

 

So, this is where it gets really weird and confusing I guess for me if all this already isn’t weird enough. Early this morning I woke up to her phone call with her asking me to come over and cuddle. I never really have done this with her before, but I went to her house. Mind you this is at her and her husband’s house in their bed. I know I’m an idiot. So, we’re lying there spooning and somehow the conversation came up about our relationship, and I pretty much let her know that I’ve wanted her since I met her. I said it matter of fact and was straightforward and I don’t think I seemed clingy or possessive about it. I told her that I wasn’t asking her for a serious relationship I just wanted to see where things went if she wasn’t married. She seemed a little shocked and explained to me what she thought of me all along. She explained that she’s had “friends” like me all through her dating life like me that she’s somewhat attracted to, but that I wasn’t the type that she would have a relationship with. She’s had guys that she considered friends and that she could hang out with without worrying about her appearance and she felt completely at ease with. Some of these guys she’s had sex with and some she hasn’t, but she said the relationship usually took a turn with the guy wanting to know what was going on. I guess that’s the way I feel. I want to know where I stand in her mind. The friend’s that became FWB she said those relationships usually ended poorly with the guy eventually wanting a relationship. I don’t understand her behavior. She explained that guys she was genuinely interested in as a partner she couldn’t flirt with. She seizes up and can’t talk, social anxiety. The ones that she wants to be friends with she flirts with and acts completely sexually overt with. I mean is she lying about this trying to play me more or could this be just some crazy mixed signal problem that she has? About ten minutes go by and we’re lying there spooning heavy petting flirting going on and she gets up to go shower before lunch. She undresses in front of me completely naked, shows me a dildo that’s hers, and asks if I 'm well endowed and grabs it through my jeans. Am I crazy? Ten minutes prior she said that she considered me a friend. She expressed to me that she wouldn’t have sex with me during her marriage, but what am I supposed to think? Possibly she’s having sex with me after I expressed to her that I want her. The games continue. She has the upper hand, because she said that she values me as a friend and I told her that I want her, but her actions say different.

 

So, I’m really confused about how to play this. I’m sure the smart play would be to distance myself as far away from her as possible, but I think now I just really want to have sex with her. I’m smart enough to know that a relationship with her would never work. It won’t work with anyone she’s with. She’s married and look at what she’s doing with me. Obviously she’s got major issues, and I guess I do too. I do feel more comfortable that I let her know how I feel about her, but at the same time I feel like it’s given her free reign to play me if I continue just to be her ‘friend’. If she’s not just teasing I think that she’s trying to tell me without saying that she wants me as a FWB after divorce or maybe even now I’m not sure. Am I wrong here?

 

I’d like to hear anyone’s opinions. Let me have it. I kind of want more of woman’s perspective on what is going on here. Just be honest with me even if it’s harsh I want honest opinions about similar experience or advice on how to proceed.

I stopped reading after the first sentence ‘I’m confused about a current situation that I’m having with a married woman’.

No need to read the rest. Get some self-love and LEAVE. THIS. SITUATION.

[trident_2020]

7 years of your life wasted after ignoring the excellent advice provided by the members here.

Hope the sex was good.

Thanks for the update, most don't.