my_name Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I am in what i thought was a loving, transparent one-year-old relationship, I am not so sure anymore. A couple of months ago my GF and I were in bed when she received a text message on her phone (it was about 3:00 am) , she tried to ignore it but i could hear the buzzing and asked her to see who it was, mainly because she had a very ill family member and i thought that the worst might have happened, but she was still hesitant which i found strange given the circumstances. when she finally looked at her phone she said that it was just her brother whith whom i was a childhood friend, so i smiled and tried to read, but there was one more message, the one that had just came in, which she just failed to mention, and it was from her ex-boyfriend. I asked why she would try to deceive me that way and her argument was that her ex-boyfriend, the very same one who had just texted her was an excessively jealous person and she just panicked fearing i would react the same way he used to. well, i told her that i trusted her and if she says that i have nothing to worry about that's what i'll believe and that i'm an understanding person and she doesn't need to hide things from me. that was the end of that. Well, something very similar just happened - in bed, 2:00 am, text message.. i tell her her phone just buzzed and she said "no it didn't" i insist that it did and the LCD is still on, she picks up the phone flips it open and says "see, nothing" but doesn't doesn't show it to me and keeps clicking buttons.. by her body language i can tell that something's wrong but I am not going to take the phone from her, it is NOT the Jedi way. today we finally spoke about it and she admitted that she lied to me and that she did get a text message, I asked her why would she lie to me, and who was it and all that. she says it was her professor and that she gave me the same story as the last time to justify her lie, the jealous boyfriend story. This time i was not so trustful, I asked why is her professor texting her at 2:00 am? she said that she texted him the day before in the afternoon to ask him where some of the students were meeting with him for tutoring and he was replying (at 2:00 am) to ask "who is this?" maybe i was wrong to ask her to show me the text messages, but i did and she told me she had deleted both out going and in coming messages so she cant prove it. What should i do? i don't want to ask her to show me her phone bill, but at the same time if all this is true, she had no reason to lie to me. Thanks for reading (All that)
shanny Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Life must have been so much easier before cellphones, texting, myspace and emails, huh? Although, I bet a lot more people got away with cheating those days too. Not that I'm saying that your girlfriends is cheating... even if she's not though, something is up. You've got to just lay it out to her... You trust her but for you to relax and continue your happy relationship, you need for her to be more open with you about these texts. Tell her flat out that if she has nothing to hide, she should show you the texts. You should be able to figure out a lot from how she answers that. I caught my bf in a similar situation with texting... he refused to show me the texts because it felt it was an invasion of privacy. That was a bunch of BS because I looked at his phone later and he was making plans with his exwife. If they won't show it, they are probably up to no good.
Stockalone Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Tell her flat out that if she has nothing to hide, she should show you the texts. You should be able to figure out a lot from how she answers that. I caught my bf in a similar situation with texting... he refused to show me the texts because it felt it was an invasion of privacy. That was a bunch of BS because I looked at his phone later and he was making plans with his exwife. If they won't show it, they are probably up to no good. This can easily backfire. The protection of my privacy is very important to me and the last thing I would do is give in to such demands. She could react the same way and get royally pissed off. Having said that, I agree that her behaviour is not very reassuring but if he does confront her he also has to be prepared for her reaction, which might not be pretty. Some people actually do take an invasion of their privacy pretty serious.
twice_shy Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 she says it was her professor and that she gave me the same story as the last time to justify her lie, the jealous boyfriend story. A professor texting her at 2am?? Boy, she must really think you are stupid. This time i was not so trustful, I asked why is her professor texting her at 2:00 am? she said that she texted him the day before in the afternoon to ask him where some of the students were meeting with him for tutoring and he was replying (at 2:00 am) to ask "who is this?" maybe i was wrong to ask her to show me the text messages, but i did and she told me she had deleted both out going and in coming messages so she cant prove it. What should i do? Dump her, she is obviously an untrustworthy little tart giving her number out to other guys. Does she live with you? Or does she just sleep over? If it is the latter, then the next time it does that, you tell her you want to see the text. And if she refuses or its obvious in her haste to press alot of buttons that she deletes the message, tell her to get her clothes on and get out of your place and never come back. 1
twice_shy Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 This can easily backfire. The protection of my privacy is very important to me and the last thing I would do is give in to such demands. especially when you have something to hide.
Stockalone Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 especially when you have something to hide. That is true but especially if I have nothing to hide, I would be even more adamant about protecting my privacy. It's a matter of principle.
Bryanp Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I am a college professor and I seriously doubt that the college professor would be texting her at 2am unless they have some sort of relationship. After a year of being with her she still has no problems lying to you. I think you have some real problems with her. I would not be trursting of her.
NotMyselfNEmore Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I'm agreeing with Brynap. I am a college professor also and my university does not even allow professors to give out their personal cell phones to students. We have to communicate with students during operating hours. I would be very, very, very suspicious of her endeavours with this "professor".
preferwhispers Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Nobody clears the incoming and outgoing messages on their phone for no reason. She may not be cheating on you right now, but she's certainly deceiving you. And I assure you that she will cheat if she hasn't already. Get out now.
D-Lish Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Maybe her ex bf is harassing her and she is afraid to be honest about it. I had a very, very jealous bf once, I couldn't do anything without him looking over my shoulder or questioning me.... he was really controlling. When I dated someone new- I became accustomed to having that anxiety all the time, and it took me a while to trust the new guy that I could tell my anything. I agree that the professor thing is a big fat lie. That doesn't happen. There is another side though- she could just be hiding the fact that her ex is harassing her- afraid that you will be angry or not trust her. Just a thought.... that sometimes old habits are hard to break. I agree she is creating an environment of mistrust here, and you need to get to the bottom of these late night texts. To give you an example: when I first dated a great guy after my controlling ex- I planned a night out with my gf's and just told him I was staying in. I did this because my ex would have thrown a tantrum and prevented me from going. That was something I had been used to.... so I avoided what I thought could be drama. He found out the next day and thought I was cheating... we sat down and had a long talk and straightened everything out. He made it completely safe for me to be honest with him- and after that incident I was honest. It's fishy- the texting... but it doesn't have to mean she is cheating. You do have to confront her and find out what is up. Trust is an easy thing to lose and such a hard thing to regain once it is broken.
LakesideDream Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I wouldn't call those txt's red flags, I would call them crimson fireworks displays. Start packing tonight, and spend the weekend looking for a new apartment.
twice_shy Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I wouldn't call those txt's red flags, I would call them crimson fireworks displays. Start packing tonight, and spend the weekend looking for a new apartment. I agree! Get out and leave her to her texting men.
Author my_name Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 (edited) Hello thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. D-lish, that's what my girlfriend says, because of her past relationship she got accustomed to not being 100% honest all the time, we had the talk after the first incident but she says that it's hard and she can't help feeling like something bad is going to happen if I find out so she lies anyway. preferwhispers, she is certainly deceiving me, believe me, it's an awful thing to find out that a person with whom you've shared so much and care so much about lies to you, but you can't be so certain that she will cheat if she already hasn't - my judgment might be a bit clouded but she could be telling the truth now. Bryanp and NotMySelfNEmore, I agree with you in that it doesn't sound very believable, and i will confront her about it, but what she claims is that the professor didn't know who she was and replied to her text message not knowing it was a student he was replying to -- not really buying it, how ambiguous could her text message have been? This is not something I would really like to do, but I'm thinking about asking her to show me her phone bill. If the number that texted her yesterday at 2:00 am shows up more than once she lied yet one more time and by that time it wouldn't matter if it's her professor's number or not. I wouldn't want to do that to her, but i have so much doubt that that's the only way i'd be able to believe her. We will talk about it tonight, I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you! Edited March 14, 2008 by my_name
Replicant Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I see this as a form of deception. Rather if your girlfriend received a call from her ex-boyfriend and then took measures to stop/prevent him from further contact also while keeping you in the loop as to what's going on (Naturally to avoid potential conflict). Would be the mature way of dealing with this. Regardless if these calls are coming in at 3am or 3pm, it's blatant disrespect towards you. Not only from him creating an interference in your relationship for unknown reasons. But your girlfriend as well with these far fetched excuses of hers that are doing nothing more than amplifying her guilt in this matter and reducing your trust level for her in return. No professor would be calling students at 3am either, it would seem unprofessional and could potentially breach their conduct if the matter were to be brought up with such evidence. Trust your instincts in this matter, and take the level of confrontation you think necessary to expose the truth. But If you two are only one year deep and she's already starting to draw this level of deceit into the relationship, it might be time to eject her right out to the curb.
AussieJack Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Regardless if these calls are coming in at 3am or 3pm, it's blatant disrespect towards you. Not only from him creating an interference in your relationship for unknown reasons. But your girlfriend as well with these far fetched excuses of hers that are doing nothing more than amplifying her guilt in this matter and reducing your trust level for her in return. . This reply is good thinking . I have a 'one strike ' rule for these situations. Your g/f is involved in some kind of coverup for who-knows-what reason. And it is disrespectful to YOU and therefore unacceptable. You need to put your foot down and tell her that your relationship is "on hold " until she removes ,"the live remains of her previous disaster " from her life. You then walk away without another word. Grab your nads and just do it. She may not like your assertiveness - but too bad , she is the one who is screwing up and she needs to show YOU that she values you by doing what you ask. Take no BS from her.., Women will fight and cry and wriggle sideways and call you "possessive and demanding .. blah, blah.. " That is a con job to make you back down. Do not give one inch of ground in these situations .. If she complies, cuts him off and tries to make amends to YOU, then put her on a month's probation . IF there is ONE more contact from the ex, dump her on the spot. YOu deserve better that this treatment.
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