Kamille Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 we've considered seeing a counselor but it's never gotten beyond idle talk. ...and i'm not sure that being labelled is going to help me resolve our problems. sure, it sounds like your bang-on with the diagnosis, but what solutions are there really? compromise? look deep inside myself and examine my priorities? i do that already. ...not that i mean to sound ungrateful. i do appreciate additional feedback - and if i've missed the point, please feel free to let me know. i do agree that it really is all about the "libido discrepancy" as you put it, not head games... Actually I googled love-starved marriage and read the first chapter on-line. The author basically explains to the less sexual partner what sex means to the more sexual partner. She advocates making sex more of a priority in marriages.... ..... ..... So, you might want to check it out .
luvstarved Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 we've considered seeing a counselor but it's never gotten beyond idle talk. ...and i'm not sure that being labelled is going to help me resolve our problems. sure, it sounds like your bang-on with the diagnosis, but what solutions are there really? compromise? look deep inside myself and examine my priorities? i do that already. ...not that i mean to sound ungrateful. i do appreciate additional feedback - and if i've missed the point, please feel free to let me know. i do agree that it really is all about the "libido discrepancy" as you put it, not head games... Yes you did miss the point. Or perhaps I did. I took from your original post a desire to find solutions but you seem to believe there are none. I reread my post and do not see where I suggested that labelling your problems would resolve them. I meant to offer that through better truly understanding each other's points of view you might find a solution together. As the book I cited directly addresses the scenario you are living in, I thought it might be worth your while to investigate. Not all self-help books are useless psychobabble...some of them actually have helpful content. But, if you have already determined in your mind that there is no solution possible, then of course there isn't! In that case, I am not sure of your purpose in having posted. You seem to have thrown out the word compromise with some cynicism or even contempt. Compromise IS how problems are generally resolved interpersonally. You should not discount it. I imagine you must be thinking something along the lines of...negotiated passion is not real passion, but I think you need to open your mind a little more. It is not fair of you to just 'wish' for something different from your wife. You are right in thinking that this will never happen. It is an unrealistic expectation. It sounds like you have a good marriage otherwise and you might have to accept less than your ideal sex life, and cherish the things that you do have. But I do still believe that with some mutual effort you could improve upon things. If the notion of counseling has never gone beyond idle talk, maybe there has been some failure to convey the importance of this issue to your wife? Or you do not yourself think it can help? Or...you fear that you will be told that you expect too much, and be made to feel selfish or guilty if you do go? (I am not making that judgment, I sympathize with your feelings, but maybe you are concerned that this would be the feedback?) As I said, I have sex issues in my M too that feel like they will drive me insane at times. I have not solved them yet, but I have seen improvements and have not given up on solving them. As soon as I do that, I guarantee finally that things will never get better. So far, none of the improvements that have been made have resulted from wishing they would happen.
Lookingforward Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 "If you factor 20 victims to every perp, the victims still way outnumber the perps. How is this possible?" Easy, every perp has multiple victims ? Just guessing lol sorry to t/j
OWoman Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Sex three times a week?!? Wow! Was it always that little, or has it just dropped since the kids were born? On a different point - you say you've done the flowers-and-scene-setting thing, but have you verified that your W likes that kinda stuff? I know if my SO did that we'd land up in a blazing row about amputated genitalia and global warming because I HATE cut flowers and even more than that, I despise the push-button mentality that goes behind it. Women are different - some like flowers, others don't. Some like shopping, others detest it. Your W is the outside-of-the-house worker, which would indicate to me a higher testosterone titre, so perhaps being treated as the stereotypical cootchy-coo woman doesn't work for her? At the same time, she's probably got a fair-sized libido that she's directing elsewhere (into her work?) rather than into your lovemaking. Perhaps she just has "contact overload" when she gets home, and needs space rather than closeness?
Author i_am_over_here Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 i probably did miss the point. i was rushed yesterday when i was checking the thread - i don't really have the kind of time i've been spending here but i think it's important... "Not all self-help books are useless psychobabble...some of them actually have helpful content" could be - i've a rather low opinion of them although i'm sure it is not fair of me to paint them all with the same brush. i feel compromise is (most) important - i simply used the "tone" because it was exactly what i expected the book to conclude - again, that was me being presumptuous. i already acknowledge that i probably expect too much - i'm just looking for other possibilities - so i don't think i'm afraid of being told that. regarding my efforts to set the mood; i've been led to believe that the flowers are appreciated (she's even told me what her preferences are) and i try every other outlet available to get her out of a stressed-out mind set. i don't think she has a particularly high testosterone level, her being the bread winner is more a result of an injury i sustained a year ago than any ambition to be the breadwinner. ...and while i suspect that will all be scrutinized as a probable cause of my dissatisfaction, we have been dealing with this issue for years... thanks for keeping this thread alive - the more feedback i get the better.
angryyoungman70 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I consider myself to be fairly attractive and a very good lover who's always more focused on my partner's pleasure more than my own. I think I've had sex 3X this year so far. And yhea, that's pretty much been the average for the last 17 years...
Author i_am_over_here Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 ouch. you're a better man than i if you can last that long in a relationship with that little sex. ...or you have extremely different priorities.
Geishawhelk Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 That's an interesting point.... priorities.... What are yours and do they match your wife's? have you asked her? Do you know for sure what hers are? I really seriously would consider going to counselling if only to see how closely these actually match.....and to see whether a compromise is either necessary, or can even be reached.....
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