What do you think ladies?

[i_am_over_here]

No offense gentlemen, I’m just hoping to get advice from the horse’s mouth – and no, I don’t think women are horses, or like horses – unless you think that it would be complimentary to think so.

 

I am having difficulty with my sex life. I have been married for almost ten years now to a woman I have come to love greatly (I am 34, she is 33). We have two awesome kids (4 and 2) and enjoy being parents. I have been the stay-at-home parent for almost a year now although I still am involved in the operation of a small business we own together. She is the one who actually goes to work and it is hard for her to leave it behind at the end of the day. When she gets home after her ten hour days (but only 4 days a week) the phone often rings well into our evenings with business issues. So she’s tired, and distracted, a lot. The flip side however is that we take many long stretches of time off each year and she does usually have three days off each week.

 

We have had a turbulent sexual relationship for almost as long as I can remember. Basically I want more than I’m getting. We’ve had numerous discussions about it – often resulting in hurt feelings, anger, resentment, guilt and sometimes great sex. We almost always come to two conclusions: my expectations are too high (which I am hoping you can confirm or refute) and her sex drive is too low (which is what she seems willing to concede). We sometimes have brief stretches that keep me content but they always seem too brief and too infrequent. Even when we are away from the business for weeks at a time it is unusual for me to feel even remotely “satisfied”.

 

How would I define “satisfaction”? Well, I have several issues that, if addressed, would satisfy me.

 

1. we don’t have sex enough. If I’m lucky – three times a week (yes I’ve been discreetly keeping track over the past year – and our best year I’ll add). Before jumping all over me for not appreciating how good I’ve got it, I’d like to mention that if the following two issues were resolved, frequency would be much less important.

 

2. she doesn’t initiate sex enough. Apparently I never give her an opportunity to get horny because I’m always after her. But I’m always after her because she so rarely initiates sex. In the past I have tried to restrain myself for weeks at a time, doing all the things I normally do – including being complimentary of her, buy her flowers, get her treats she likes, encourage her to hang out with her friends… but I found there always came a point where I could no longer suppress my frustration and I would either initiate sex myself or engage in a what would turn out to be a heated discussion on the matter. I simply don’t know how to A. be patient enough (masturbation doesn’t replace the lack of intimacy) and B. turn her on enough.

 

3. when we are being intimate, I always feel like I’m the only one who is really into it. I take great pride in my ability to satisfy my wife. When she has finished – she has finished. I am so attentive that virtually all encounters end in multiple multiple (no I didn’t stutter) orgasms. However when it is my turn to kick back and relax, I’m never driven to the heights of ecstasy I imagine she experiences. I have tried talking about it, but she doesn’t seem to get it. She only does what turns her on (which is fine – I want her to have fun too) but she rarely uses her imagination or reads my body language well enough to discover what really turns me on. Even when, in the throes of passion, I give her positive reinforcement, she misses important cues and moves onto something much less pleasurable and never looks back. I am afraid of discussing this with her further for fear of turning sex into “work”. I also have difficulty understanding how someone could get so much out of sex, and still not want it, if not all the time, at least more often.

 

So there. I think that is my problem in a nutshell, a rather huge wordy nutshell. How unreasonable do you think I am? What would you suggest I do differently? Please be gentle with me.

 

Thanks for your time, I know it was a huge waste of it.

 

And fyi, I am half-inclined to show this to her – such is the nature of our relationship.

[Geishawhelk]

THREE TIMES A WEEK - ??

 

We're lucky if we do it three times a month!!

 

The amount she works, I'm not surprised she's tired...

So she works like a trojan all week, but you still think three times a week isn't enough?

How long do you give for foreplay?

And if you give anything less than half an hour - try again....

 

For my own part, in my own opinion, I think you need counselling.

I also think, from a personal point of view, that the average could be twice a week... but that's average...

 

Three times a week, every week, is a lot.....

[Lisa2008]

I am new here - but can relate to your post. First of all, all my girlie magazines say that poll results show the average young married couple (25-35) to have sex twice a week. So you are ahead of the game!

 

Now, as a woman, I can say I rarely initiate sex. Woman don't have the same amount of hormones as men do. When woman have other responsibilities like work and children, our "mothering" instincts always make our obligations a priority - rarely leaving room for sexual thoughts. We are not programmed to spread our seed. It's not uncommon for the man to typically be the aggressor when it comes to marital intimacy. And remember, even a little bit of stress can override our sex drive!

 

Think of it this way... your wife comes home from working a 10+ hour day with a commute; having children, a husband, finances, friends, family, a home, and a business all needing her attention in a 4-hour evening. Do you think she's thinking while driving home "wow, I can't wait to get home and have sex"? She has so many things to manage, that is probably the last thing on her mind. Sounds like she has too much on her plate. Is there anything you can do to minimize her stress and responsibilities so she can focus more attention on intimacy?

[i_am_over_here]

as for foreplay - she gets as much as she wants. i generally don't decided when to put it in, she does.

 

"So she works like a trojan all week, but you still think three times a week isn't enough?" i am considerably more patient/understanding during her work weeks. however, when the same issues are drawn into our multi-week holidays it makes me wonder if there is something else i'm missing.

 

we have discussed counselling, but finding time for work, family, counselling and sex? then i might drop down to twice a week. seriously, it is a work in progress.

 

hit me again if you have more to add. thanks.

[i_am_over_here]

"Is there anything you can do to minimize her stress and responsibilities so she can focus more attention on intimacy?"

 

i do everything i can think of (except backrubs - i suck at those). whenever i get involved in her side of the business it tends to complicate things more than its worth. ultimately i am hoping to switch roles with her altogether, but that is some way off. also, our work roles weren't always reversed, before we had the kids she had considerably fewer responsiblities but we still had the same issues. so again, i'm not sure the busyness is the real cause (although i'm willing to admit i might be outright wrong)...

[Kamille]

I hear you on how frustrating issues related to sex can be. I am basically in your wife's situation (I was going to say position but... raunchy). My bf wants sex all the time. He's basically satisfied at twice a day. Me, most likely twice a week, maybe more maybe less depending on my menstrual cycle.

 

And yes, he does so much to pleasure me and multiple multiple orgasms I do have when we do it. And we do it about on average once a day - if you count the days we do it twice and the days we don't do it.

 

So why don't I feel like initiating more often or doing it more often? Good question. The first thing that comes to mind is: because I don't need it more often. I am more then satisfied with what we've already got. Even feel sometimes, when we get in on our dayly routine, that sex takes time away from my other priorities.

 

I read somewhere that woman need to be relaxed before having sex and that men use sex to relax. I feel this is very much the case for my bf and I and have tried to find ways to keep stress away, to find better moments to have sex for me, or to ask him to start foreplay by giving me a massage.

 

And yes, bf has tried pulling away a little to see if I would initiate, and you know what happend once out of every other time? I will initiate. But then, the times that I don't, we get all bent out of shape as couple. He will get supersensitive about everything, as though I am withholding sex to punish him for something

 

Ooh! And what gets me is that sometimes, I won't perticularly be in the mood but I'll do things just to pleasure him, like give him a bj and really give it my all. He comes and is all happy but you know what happens then? He spend sthe rest of the day even hornier then he was before because he can't stop thinking about how great it was!!!

 

I sometimes feel like sex is too big a part of my bf's life. I don't understand why it's soooo important to him. I sometimes feel like I am nothing but a sexual object to him. I really wish our sex-drives were better matched.

[Kamille]

"Is there anything you can do to minimize her stress and responsibilities so she can focus more attention on intimacy?"

 

i do everything i can think of (except backrubs - i suck at those). whenever i get involved in her side of the business it tends to complicate things more than its worth. ultimately i am hoping to switch roles with her altogether, but that is some way off. also, our work roles weren't always reversed, before we had the kids she had considerably fewer responsiblities but we still had the same issues. so again, i'm not sure the busyness is the real cause (although i'm willing to admit i might be outright wrong)...

 

Everyone can learn to give a decent backrub.

 

Other tricks:

set the mood.

Light candles, get flowers, pour her a bubble bath, give her time to get ready for some time together.

[i_am_over_here]

"He spend sthe rest of the day even hornier then he was before because he can't stop thinking about how great it was!!!" yeah i get that all the time. the sex can be so fantastic that i spend the next day wishing for an equally good bj that night. i know this will get me flamed, but i've often asked for JUST ONCE, to get an enthusiastic follow-up bj the next day to see if the horniness would subside. i think the illusion of having a wife that into sex just once would settle me down. or not...

 

"Other tricks:

set the mood." whenever i try, she just looks at me and knows what i've got on the brain and it becomes counter-productive.

 

thanks, though. i do appreciate hearing from someone else who is experiencing a similar situation.

[carhill]

Hey, not a woman and maybe stupid advice, but try setting the mood and it not going where she thinks it will. Nothing like a little female blue-balls to get her motivated. Keep her off-balance. The next time bang her brains out.

 

I remember one vacation in Australia last year where my wife and I only had sex twice in 3 weeks (don't ask). The last night at a hotel, after camping in a tent at a music festival for a week, I took the computer out of her hands (she was chatting with her Aussie girlfriends, like she had been for the last three weeks), ordered up room service everything, dragged her into the shower (I didn't know two people could get that dirty LOL) and told her in no uncertain terms that "it's my time now". Probably it was the last time we had really good sex.

 

So, OP, order up child care, book a hotel room and make it "your time". You sound like you're satisfied with most aspects of your marriage, so a little spice might just do the trick.

[i_am_over_here]

that's actually a really stinking good idea. now the question is whether or not i'd be able to NOT hit on her...

[Walk]

How often would need to have sex in order to feel satisfied? (ball park figure, I know people's needs/wants change every day)

 

I personally don't feel that the candles, flowers, back rubs work when trying to get your wife more in the mood for sex. My ex used to do those things, and while nice and sweet, it didn't make me horny. My fiance can get me going at the drop of a hat though (been dating 4 years).

 

The difference I've found is in the flirting. We joke about sex all the time, flirt, and grab each other while doin dishes, making dinner or whatever.

 

With my ex, the only time the idea of sex entered the picture is directly before it happened. The second he mentioned sex it meant he wanted it right then. It wasn't a fun flirty aspect of a relationship, it was only brought up when he wanted it, and wanted it right then.

 

I don't know if you could re-incorporate some of that playfulness back into your marriage or not, but what I find incredibly freeing is the idea that sex can be talked about (joked about) without it immediately leading to sex. I don't feel pressured to perform the second it's mentioned. That used to kill my sex drive so badly. I have to switch my brain into gear in order to be horny, and it takes me a while to do that. I absolutely have to have the flirting and hints of sex to get into that frame of mind. And then I need my partner to allow it to happen on its own, not force the idea on me and expect me to be raring to go after a 5 minute back rub.

 

So maybe try being a little more flirtatious with your wife without expecting/demanding it lead somewhere. Let her get comfortable with the idea that you aren't going to expect her to perform just because you mentioned sex. Entice her mind into the subject before you attempt to seduce her body. And give her enough breathing room that she isn't stressing about performing.

 

Also, maybe focusing on how she isn't meeting your needs has created performance anxiety in her? She sounds as if she's a bit of a type A personality who likes to do things right, and if she has become frustrated over her inability to make you happy it may be preventing her from becoming aroused on her own.

[i_am_over_here]

a lot of good points - which i have (mostly) already tried to incorporate into our daily lives. flirting with my wife is a "normal" behaviour of mine. i think it creates a certain amount of playfulness, but i've never noticed it translating into anything else - even after days without any real suggestion we go upstairs. she seems to enjoy the moment and then her mind switches back to other things...

 

as for her personality and the pressure i put on her - i think you're absolutely right. my comments probably do have more of a negative effect on her than a positive one and my intention certainly isn't to beat her down. i do however feel that i have an obligation to both of us to be honest when something is bothering me. let me clarify though, i don't want to create the perception that i'm constantly on her to "do a better job". i may have initiated a half dozen or so conversation on the topic in our 18 year history - but i concede that those few may have been enough to create unwanted pressure.

 

since i can be brutally honest in my anonyminity - i have recently begun to let my mind consider that "the next guy", should anything ever happen to me, will probably luck into all the behaviours that i long for.

 

anyway, thanks again for your time. ...and for the record, i'd be content with four times a week. i'd be happiest if i got absolutely ravaged once in a blue moon. or so i think...

[Geishawhelk]

Other tricks:

"set the mood." whenever i try, she just looks at me and knows what i've got on the brain and it becomes counter-productive.

 

Yes, and you see, therein lies the problem.

I'm sorry, but guys are so obvious. it's patently clear that all you really want for 'setting the mood' is a good bang. And do you know what it feels like?

"I'm doing all this for you, because you ladies are into this romatic gesture crap, but I'm expecting something in return, so pay up...."

 

You never do it, just to be romantic. you never do it, just because you love the lady, and you want to make her smile. There's always the ulterior motive, and you may think there'll be a payoff, but sometimes?

It just makes us feel - cheap. Because we know, it's not us you want, it's just the end result you're looking for.

heck we could be Angelina Jole or the scraggy woman who servs tea at the railway station buffet... all you want is what's down south.

I'm sure you'll protest, but that's how it comes across sometimes....!

[Kamille]

Hmmm. My boyfriend does the flirting throughout the day thing - I guess with good enough results- but sometimes it's just too sexual to the point where I feel like screaming: stop leering at me.

 

I would like more caring, non-sexual flirting from him. You know, caress my lower back, don't just grab my boobs. It gets frustrating because I tell him this... I have been telling him this since date number 3, and he still can't help it: he'll caress my lower back and since he did right he then feels entitled to just grab my boobs. Right now we still laugh about it, but I sometimes get really upset because it's one of those things that make me feel like his needs always come before his desire to listen to me and hear me out.

 

A friend of mine was telling me about the Five love languages which have helped her understand what was going on in her relationship. Basically, the author explains that we all speak different love languages. For some of us, it is through sex and physical intimacy, for instance. My bf and I am guessing, you, fall into this category. I think, just from the blurbs on the website, that I'm a Quality Time kind of person (which would explain my frustrations about feeling like I'm not being heard). What matters to me is spending quality time with my partner, having meaningful conversations with him, etc.

 

What happens when the two people don't recognize the way the other needs to show and receive love, is that one or both partners will start feeling resentment and will react by withdrawing from the language that is important for the other. So I guess my advice is, get your wife enlisted in trying to figure out what you do that does make her feel love... In other words, what her love language is - and be giving on that front. Then maybe she will want to improve the quality of your sex life.

[Trialbyfire]

The difficulty, OP, is that each woman is different, some with substantial differences, others with subtle nuances.

 

For example, I'm high-drive. If I'm in a monogamous, committed relationship, I need more, like yourself. If I don't get it, I tend to feel disconnected and will then emotionally drift away.

 

On the other hand, I also need intellectual and emotional stimulation. Talk to me, treat me like a close friend, someone you enjoy being with, relax and laugh with. Romance me, make me feel good about myself, not through compliments but through your actions of the above other physical, mental and emotional things, on a daily basis. Keep it consistent.

 

If you can do this, I'll be all over you and ready when you are.

[i_am_over_here]

"heck we could be Angelina Jole or the scraggy woman who servs tea at the railway station buffet... all you want is what's down south.

I'm sure you'll protest, but that's how it comes across sometimes....!" well i'm not sure about that - i'm remarkably shallow! but you do make a good point about not doing it just to see her smile (which is not as self-evident as you may think). when i honestly think about that comment, it seems as though i last did that when we first started dating - when there was still passion in the relationship - not even necessarily the sex, just the passion. back when she could barely keep her hands off me. i know this won't put me in a favourable light, but i would speculate that then i was happy and as the eros faded to be replaced by that deeper more "meaningful" love, so did my happiness. the more i think about your comment, the more i think you're probably absolutely right. i was missing the point and only going through the motions. i need to try and remember the person i first fell in love with, not just the smoking hot body that (very seriously) distracts me constantly throughout my day. thank you for following up - you may have given me an epiphany.

 

"For some of us, it is through sex and physical intimacy" absolutely. from my perspective, there is no better way to express affection than physically. like i said above, i think i was happiest when i was constantly being spontaneously touched, kissed, held... and i certainly acknowledge that it isn't everyone's top priority.

[Storyrider]

I think the topic of flirting and how to flirt successfully is very interesting and could make a thread in itself.

 

The ironic thing about flirting is that in order to work, it has to flow out of real desire. And the flirter needs to have a certain flair for it, not only in general, but to understand how to stir feelings in the "object" of his flirtation. Unfortunately it would make it worse to overthink this. It partly comes down to compatibility that is either there, or not. It sounds like you two had it in the beginning, so maybe trying to recreate the conditions would put you on the right track.

[Geishawhelk]

"heck we could be Angelina Jole or the scraggy woman who servs tea at the railway station buffet... all you want is what's down south.

I'm sure you'll protest, but that's how it comes across sometimes....!" well i'm not sure about that - i'm remarkably shallow! but you do make a good point about not doing it just to see her smile (which is not as self-evident as you may think). when i honestly think about that comment, it seems as though i last did that when we first started dating - when there was still passion in the relationship - not even necessarily the sex, just the passion. back when she could barely keep her hands off me. ......

 

the more i think about your comment, the more i think you're probably absolutely right. i was missing the point and only going through the motions. i need to try and remember the person i first fell in love with, not just the smoking hot body that (very seriously) distracts me constantly throughout my day. thank you for following up - you may have given me an epiphany.

 

I do apologise most sincerely, that was most careless of me, and I am very sorry about my error....

 

Of course, I meant Angelina JolIe, not Angelina Jole....!!

 

I_am_over_here, Thank you for your honest response, I admire your candour and your frank admission.

I hope it will help you in any way possible to have a re-think... I'm not saying you're wrong to feel the way you have felt. But I think the thread may help to illustrate that it's been enough of an issue for you to have actually caused you to just see it from your own view, and coming on here, and asking fpr comments, opinions and views from a woman's perspective is a brave thing to have done.

 

The other thing

Trialbyfire's post...? offering to come over?

 

Trust me....

I know her quite well...

 

 

She's absolutely serious....!!

[Trialbyfire]

Hey, hey, hey Geish, be fair. I've already set my cap for someone else.

[Geishawhelk]

....'cap'....?

 

 

[i_am_over_here]

my radar must be malfunctioning. i don't normally miss a wink...

[Walk]

When you have sex with your wife, and you make her come multiple times, is that something she said she wanted from sex? Or is that something that something you wanted to do because it makes you feel more manly?

 

My fiance would love to do that for me every time we have sex, but its not something I really want. And the REAL reason I don't want multiple orgasms is becasue I know myself well enough to realize I'll be perfectly content not to have sex again for two weeks. But if I orgasm once, then I want sex more frequently.

 

I get the feeling that even if you are doing something for your wife, it's linked tightly to your self-esteem. If you make her orgasm multiple times, then its a manly thing. It seems as if what you really want from your wife is for her to express physically that she see's you as a stud... a great catch, "The Man". That you're looking for validation, in a sense, and you don't feel you're getting it. Which makes me wonder if there are other areas of your relationship where maybe your wife hasn't been showing you how highly she thinks of you? Is this completely about sex? Or is there more to it then that?

[i_am_over_here]

to be honest, it's never come up. i know she enjoys them immensely and she's never tried to stop me. - but i've never asked. mind you, she doesn't usually indicate that she wants sex until after i get started either - she is never excited about sex, more often accomodating...

 

as for my motivation - i'll admit that my self-esteem gets a boost and it is gratifying to me when she really gets into it and cums, but it's more about seeing her that horny than validating myself. she is a lot of fun when she's horny and that's what this entire thread has been about for me - not seeing the passion often enough.

 

as for her appreciation of me - throughout our relationship, while we have had our issues - i never felt under-appreciated. i believe it is all about sex...

[luvstarved]

Geez this sounds like a simple case of discrepancy in libido. Have you looked into talking this over with a sex therapist?

 

I do not mean to trivialize it by calling it simple...just that it does not sound like it is about mind games or in any way an expression of some issue other than the apparent one.

 

It is frustrating from both sides. There is a book called the Sex-Starved Marriage that is about this very subject. I bought the book a while back thinking it addressed my particular sex issues...but mine was not directly a libido discrepancy...yours sounds like it is. Might want to check it out.

[i_am_over_here]

we've considered seeing a counselor but it's never gotten beyond idle talk.

 

...and i'm not sure that being labelled is going to help me resolve our problems. sure, it sounds like your bang-on with the diagnosis, but what solutions are there really? compromise? look deep inside myself and examine my priorities? i do that already. ...not that i mean to sound ungrateful. i do appreciate additional feedback - and if i've missed the point, please feel free to let me know.

 

i do agree that it really is all about the "libido discrepancy" as you put it, not head games...