peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I've been dating this girl for a while now, just a week or so ago she started referring to me as her boyfriend. This past Monday, I asked her out for dinner. Now being that I am independent, there are times when my pile of cash gets low. She picked an expensive restaurant, which was okay as long as we didn't go overboard. We each had $30 entrees and I tried to take it easy on drinks. After her second $8 long island iced tea, I mentioned that we should try to keep the bar tap down and drink elsewhere if she wanted. Well she totally lost it... saying "You don't say that to a girl on a date!". I just felt I was being responsible as I don't want to be eating peanut butter and jelly for the next week. Needless to say, she didn't talk to me the rest of that night. I apologized for hurting her feelings as she later claimed that she thought "she wasn't special enough to me.". A few days later... This past Saturday here and I were at an arcade and then some girl walked in dressed to kill and I looked her way... My girl got very upset and I immediately apologized... But she won't let it go, she keeps bringing it up. I don't understand the big deal - it was a look, nothing more! I don't know what more I can do but to apologize and not let it happen again. She claims she does not want a guy "like that". I don't know many that aren't human and going to slip up from time to time. I don't know what to do people, I feel like I do the best I can for this girl and it's not good enough. I feel like she won't let me be human. The small stuff really bothers her. There are things that she does that I am not 100% happy with (like being really bad at making plans) but I let it roll off of my back because I accept her, faults and all. Wish she could do tthe same for me, but it's easier to label me as a selfish jerk.
NuTuDating Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Hindsight is 20/20, but taking a girl to an expensive restaurant is a no-no on the first few dates. If you've been dating for a "while" she should have some idea of your financial situation. If not, just tell her you had to pay the rent or car payment or whatever and you need to take it easy. Once you're at the restaurant, it's too late. Why spend over $40 on a date at all at first? If you're dating a girl that's impressed/concerned about your ability to drop a load of cash on her when you go out, she's probably not a keeper. As to the other - try as we all might, sometimes we do glance at a hot woman who's in the vicinity. Truth be told, your girlfriend looks at hot guys, too. It happens. Keeping your tongue in your mouth and wiping the drool off before she sees it is the best policy. But she looks, too, most likely. Definitely don't comment on how another woman is hot. Again, if she expects you to never lay eyes on an attractive woman that walks by, she may not be a keeper.
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Hindsight is 20/20, but taking a girl to an expensive restaurant is a no-no on the first few dates. If you've been dating for a "while" she should have some idea of your financial situation. If not, just tell her you had to pay the rent or car payment or whatever and you need to take it easy. Once you're at the restaurant, it's too late. Why spend over $40 on a date at all at first? We've been dating about 6 months. As to the other - try as we all might, sometimes we do glance at a hot woman who's in the vicinity. Truth be told, your girlfriend looks at hot guys, too. It happens. Keeping your tongue in your mouth and wiping the drool off before she sees it is the best policy. But she looks, too, most likely. Definitely don't comment on how another woman is hot. Again, if she expects you to never lay eyes on an attractive woman that walks by, she may not be a keeper. This is exactly how I see it!! But she's ready to dump me over it, just kind of wows me. A few months back, a friend of a mutal friend was at this club trying to hit on her while I sat there!!! Well, thanks for the compliment, buddy... I didn't even care. Wish she would give me the same respect.
blind_otter Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I think she's being a bit picky. She should understand the fact that you don't have limitless funds, and to be fair - since you are now in a "relationship" and she refers to you as her boyfriend, if she wanted to drink more she should have offered to help out with the tab. I am one who thinks that the guy should pay for everything during the courtship phase, but once a relationship is established, things should be split evenly. Also, I know some women get upset when their guy looks at other women. Don't know what to tell ya there. My SO and I catch each other checking out the same women, usually. And the only time I get offended is if I think he's checking out a woman I find unattractive!
tanbark813 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Well if you couldn't afford the restaurant than you should have just suggested somewhere else. But at the same time, I don't think you were in the wrong for suggesting to go somewhere else to drink. When she threw her tantrum you should have just smiled and asked if she would be paying then. People can only jerk you around as much as you let them.
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 I think she's being a bit picky. She should understand the fact that you don't have limitless funds, and to be fair - since you are now in a "relationship" and she refers to you as her boyfriend, if she wanted to drink more she should have offered to help out with the tab. I am one who thinks that the guy should pay for everything during the courtship phase, but once a relationship is established, things should be split evenly. Also, I know some women get upset when their guy looks at other women. Don't know what to tell ya there. My SO and I catch each other checking out the same women, usually. And the only time I get offended is if I think he's checking out a woman I find unattractive! Well you've got a good attitude in both situations. She mentioned that I should try to be "wooing" her. After 6 months of dating? She's not doing a very good job of "wooing" me. But I don't even want that - I just want someone real with a level head that doesn't live in a fairy-tale world of perfection.
EC Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 It's a control / low self esteem thing. Notice how when you told her to keep the bill low she didn't think you were cheap or selfish...she automatically assumed you didn't think she was 'special' enough. Then you look at a hotgirl for a milisecond and she flips out. And this is only after 6 months? I would talk to her about it. If she believes that the only problem lies within you..then she won't try to fix the issue and it will only get worse for you. And you will always end up the 'jerk'
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 It is nice to hear a little affirmation here that I am not a jerk.... and I know you people don't sugar coat, so thank you. I'm getting really tired of the drama, all of the ups and downs and her being ready to leave over stuff like me looking at another woman. I really do think that we can't progress unless she takes some responsibility with her "it's my way or the highway" attitude. I am going to back off from her... I have a couple women that have shown interest in me lately and I am seriously considering spending some time with one of them. On the other hand, I do like this girl and I don't know if she's worth investing more time into or should I go ahead and put the nail in the coffin by talking to someone else? That is a rhetorical question But feel fre to comment...
EC Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 *Suggestion* Do not date the other women or spend time with them until you have officially cut things off with her. Only because if she already has these insecurity issues she will sense it, it'll worsen her behavior and you will end up resenting her more. Your at the 6 month mark which is usually when women start wondering where the relationship is going and if your still in love ..blah blah..so's she's probably fishing for some reasurance of your feelings for her. You said herself she needs to be 'woed' Meaning she just wants to feel a little special like in the begining. Her mistake is that instead of explaining that she is actually pushing you away by flipping out. And FYI It's never to late in the relationship to woe your girl If you really like her just talk to her about it..Spend a little more quality time with her a bit and see if that helps her attitude. If that doesn't work then I suggest you call it quits and move on.
NuTuDating Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Yeah, if you've been dating her 6 months, I'd have to say break it off with her before you see anyone else, or you would be crossing into jerk territory (or beyond).
dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I think it was rather tacky of her to say that. I actually hate having a guy to have to pay for everything all the time. Six months is quite a long time to be having to pay for everything. Next time tell her if she has a problem with the dates you go on to start treating.
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 I think she's being a bit picky. She should understand the fact that you don't have limitless funds, and to be fair - since you are now in a "relationship" and she refers to you as her boyfriend, if she wanted to drink more she should have offered to help out with the tab. I am one who thinks that the guy should pay for everything during the courtship phase, but once a relationship is established, things should be split evenly. I've been thinking about this. I've been trying to be a more responsible person financially and I can't comprehend buying $8 dollar drinks when I am low on cash.... I'm the type of guy that won't be spending thousands of dollars on expensive jewelry unless we have a house to live in first. We've talked about this and I don't think she sees my point of view here either. It's not romantic to her. Well it would be pretty damn romantic to me to have a nice home of our own to share, rather than a string of bar tabs and superficial things. Chasing each other around the dining room sounds great to me.... but she'd rather have the bling and rent a shoebox? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Not trying to ramble but I am thinking of more things and this thread progresses. I guess I need to find a hippie to date...
NuTuDating Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Don't overlook the fact that shee needs to "woo" you, too. (That sounds like a good Dr. Seuss book title)... You pay all the time, what are you getting out of the relationship? Not to sound selfish, but... I don't mind paying all the time, either, but I do expect the woman to make an effort in at least a few other areas, if not financially.
dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Don't overlook the fact that shee needs to "woo" you, too. (That sounds like a good Dr. Seuss book title)... You pay all the time, what are you getting out of the relationship? Not to sound selfish, but... I don't mind paying all the time, either, but I do expect the woman to make an effort in at least a few other areas, if not financially. I very much agree with this. When a man likes to pay for everything - even in the courtship - I try to do things for him as well, as cook dinner or something. I don't like to take take take. A guy should feel as if he's getting something too!
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I've been dating this girl for a while now, just a week or so ago she started referring to me as her boyfriend. This past Monday, I asked her out for dinner. Now being that I am independent, there are times when my pile of cash gets low. She picked an expensive restaurant, which was okay as long as we didn't go overboard. We each had $30 entrees and I tried to take it easy on drinks. After her second $8 long island iced tea, I mentioned that we should try to keep the bar tap down and drink elsewhere if she wanted. Well she totally lost it... saying "You don't say that to a girl on a date!". I just felt I was being responsible as I don't want to be eating peanut butter and jelly for the next week. Needless to say, she didn't talk to me the rest of that night. I apologized for hurting her feelings as she later claimed that she thought "she wasn't special enough to me.". A few days later... This past Saturday here and I were at an arcade and then some girl walked in dressed to kill and I looked her way... My girl got very upset and I immediately apologized... But she won't let it go, she keeps bringing it up. I don't understand the big deal - it was a look, nothing more! I don't know what more I can do but to apologize and not let it happen again. She claims she does not want a guy "like that". I don't know many that aren't human and going to slip up from time to time. I don't know what to do people, I feel like I do the best I can for this girl and it's not good enough. I feel like she won't let me be human. The small stuff really bothers her. There are things that she does that I am not 100% happy with (like being really bad at making plans) but I let it roll off of my back because I accept her, faults and all. Wish she could do tthe same for me, but it's easier to label me as a selfish jerk. Dose she even care you have to conform to some sort of a budget? Or was she under the idea you make more money then you do? Far as looking at another girl whats wrong with that? I'm sure you didn't go all the way on top of the pacman machine with her so whats the big deal? I don't see the prob in looking were all human she sounds like she has control and trust issues maybe. You seam very concerned to keep her happy but are you happy as well? Look long as you asked her in a respectful quiet manner about cutting down the bar tab at that particular place. Then you were not at fault that night I would have done the same thing thats kinda a odd reaction come to think of it. Dose she ever pay for anything or just always you on dates?
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 I think it was rather tacky of her to say that. I actually hate having a guy to have to pay for everything all the time. Six months is quite a long time to be having to pay for everything. Next time tell her if she has a problem with the dates you go on to start treating. I understand you... To be fair to her she does pick up the tab sometimes, but it's usually at the china buffet Not that it matters where (it's the thought that counts to me), but she does try and I wanted to take her out and do something nice for her, but within reason. Many times I've went to pick up the tab but she refused to let me pay. She lives with her mom, and does not have a car. Not that I am judging -but she doesn't have the same responsibilities as me. I've got way more bills. It's easy for her to go out to eat several nights a week, whereas I will make a trip to the grocery store instead. She spends the night all of the time at my place - I've never once asked her to contribute anything to the household. "Boy this electricity and internet sure is nice." and "Thanks for knocking out that rent!" are things I will probably never hear, but it would be nice for her to acknolwedge it.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I've been thinking about this. I've been trying to be a more responsible person financially and I can't comprehend buying $8 dollar drinks when I am low on cash.... I'm the type of guy that won't be spending thousands of dollars on expensive jewelry unless we have a house to live in first. We've talked about this and I don't think she sees my point of view here either. It's not romantic to her. Well it would be pretty damn romantic to me to have a nice home of our own to share, rather than a string of bar tabs and superficial things. Chasing each other around the dining room sounds great to me.... but she'd rather have the bling and rent a shoebox? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Not trying to ramble but I am thinking of more things and this thread progresses. I guess I need to find a hippie to date... No you just have your priorities in line nothing at all wrong with that just curious how old is this girl? She sounds really kinda superficial and materialistic if thats the case then nothing you do may make her happy she will always want more and more!
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 No you just have your priorities in line nothing at all wrong with that just curious how old is this girl? She sounds really kinda superficial and materialistic if thats the case then nothing you do may make her happy she will always want more and more! She's soon to be 28. I'm 30... I dunno man, I guess I'll take a break for a few days and give us time to think. If she can't see ANY fault in herself then I HAVE to walk... I have no choice. Sucks.
carhill Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Oh, boy, just wait till you get married BTW, that "nice" restaurant is somewhere you might take a girlfriend to propose to her or perhaps for your anniversary after being married. My take, as an erstwhile husband, is that she's training you. It's up to you if that's what you want. As intimated in other threads here, many (most IMO) women take acts of service performed by a man for granted (that's part of a man's job) and the "extra" is being attentive to her feelings. So, if you're smart, you'll plead ignorance/poverty on the acts of service to save yourself time and energy to be attentive to her feelings. Otherwise, you will certainly die, or become me
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Spanksthemonkey<---- Is female lol... Yea sounds like a good idea 2 me take some time apart and think about everything..
Author peace_pipe Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Oh, boy, just wait till you get married BTW, that "nice" restaurant is somewhere you might take a girlfriend to propose to her or perhaps for your anniversary after being married. Well she picked it, then bitched when my budget came into play.
tanbark813 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I guess I need to find a hippie to date... No, just don't date daddy's-little-princess types.
dreamergrl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Still, if she's always at your place, and you're paying for a majority of things - maybe it's time to sit down and talk to her about it. Let her know you enjoy being able to do things for her like that, but you have to spend wisely. Perhaps tell her something like - if you go to the lesser expensive places - it leaves more cushion to go out when she'd like to. You enjoy grabbing a few drinks, and would be able to do it more if they weren't $8 drinks.
carhill Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Well she picked it, then bitched when my budget came into play. Yes, true, but I think you know she has no concept of what a "budget" is. That's where you, as the man, step in. This is part of "man-up" as described here on LS. Simply say "Hon, this restaurant is pretty expensive, and I only have XXX$ to spend. What would you like to do?" We've faced a budget crisis, due to a downfall in my business over the last couple years, and I now do exactly this with my wife. She gets pissed and I just ignore her. Otherwise, I will surely die, or become me
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