Lifetime of problems in 2 years, are we doomed?

[Lisa2008]

Hello, I am new here and seeking some much-needed advice. My Husband and I have been married for 18 months and together for alost 4 years. We are both in our late 20's, and have no children. For the first 2 years of our relationship (go figure), everything was wonderful. We were madly in love and felt perfect together. We were both stable, happy, and found we had the same goals in life.

 

Right before our wedding, we bought our dream home. We had great jobs and great credit. Two weeks after the wedding, my Husband quit his job of 8 years to start a business. We took out numerous loans to do so, and the business subsequently failed after 10 months. In addition to our non-business personal debt, we were about $100k in the red.

 

Things just spiraled from there. The business was sucking us dry, and we couldn't afford to pay back any of the loans. Both of our cars got reposessed, and we were behind on our mortgage. Not to mention our other loans, those went several months with no payments. We were slowly losing everything - our dream home, cars, business, etc.

 

Amidst all of that, I became pregnant (while using birth control). We sadly lost the baby in our 3rd month, I imagine stress was a contributing factor. I got laid off from 3 jobs in one year, due to the declining economy (I work in finance). Everything was spiraling downward, fast. We got foreclosure papers from the bank, and the loan companies were calling our family and friends wondering where we were - as we were dodging their calls every day.

 

We filed bankruptcy, and discharged all of our debts with no problem a few months ago. We let our dream home foreclose, and they took our cars. At this point, we realized we lost control of everything. We literally had nothing left.

 

While this was happening, we grew so distant that my Husband ended up sleeping with another woman, (his Brother's friend). It was a one-night thing, and they were both drunk. He told me about a month after the fact. Of course I was devastated, and left to live with my parents for a few months. During that time, I slept with an old friend (twice) - I guess seeking comfort and revenge? So now, on top of all the other problems, we have jealousy issues!

 

We got back together and decided to move forward making better decisions and to try to put the past behind us. Now, today... we have a $900/mo rent payment on a new home in a great area. We live an hour away from town now to allow ourselves time to focus on each other. We were able to finance 2 brand new (but very inexpensive) cars with low payments after the bankruptcy. We have only $600 dollars in credit card debt, and finally have $2k in savings. My Husband got a "normal" job again, and I am in the process of landing a great job.

 

The problem.... our feelings toward each other haven't changed. We still fight daily, and are very disrespectful toward one another. We say things to each other that might make other couples gasp. We should be happy now, having been through all that and having a complete fresh start that's stress free. I feel like everything we've been through has scarred our marriage, and we will never be able to regain our strength. We both feel like we have no other choice but to give up. I feel like we'll never regain the confidence to be secure with our life, finances, and each other ever again.

 

Please give me your thoughts and advice, as I am unsure of how others have handled a situation like this. Is there hope? Is our marriage too weak to go on? Can we really survive this, and will we ever be able to put this awful 2 years behind us?

Edited March 13, 2008 by Lisa2008

[whichwayisup]

You two need to get marriage counselling and rebuild your relationship. The cheating has affected you both, trust issues are there, communication isn't good and you two aren't respecting eachother.

 

If you love him and he loves you, and you both want your marriage to work, then BOTH of you work your tails off together and make it work. Effort, respect, understanding, communication, compromise....If you want to put the past 2 years behind then work hard to make that happen.

 

Is he on the same page as you in the sense of saving the marriage?

[carhill]

I'd recommend a couple months of IC and then coming together. Due to both of you being unfaithful to the marriage, in addition to your husband's business failing and losing your child, there are issues I believe you each need to work on separately, not the least of which is improving communication (per your comments about fighting and disrespect).

 

While in IC, you can continue to monitor your IRL M for the symptoms you noted here. At the point where things begin to moderate (polarization decreases), I'd suggest MC after that point.

 

If the above isn't possible or appears to be ineffectual, then I'd go for a D. Why torture yourselves....

[redfathom]

It sounds like you both have a lot of resentment towards each other and are placing blame on each other. You need to get to counseling to get back these, to forgive each other and try to make things work (if you really want them to). You have been through a lot in such a little amount of time but you did get through it with your relationship still in tact even though it is in desperate need of some work.

 

Things happen, and you both rebuild your lives, hopefully if you still love each other you can rebuild them together.

[Mr. Lucky]

Please give me your thoughts and advice, as I am unsure of how others have handled a situation like this. Is there hope?

Not that this is any great insight, but I think that the infidelities have made it really difficult for you two to work together to rebuild. My wife and I had a very similar set of challenges - failed business, huge debt and financial problems, wife gets pregnant in the middle of all this, son born 10 weeks prematurely and then spends 5 months in the hospital. Both lost our jobs (too much time away from work at the hospital) and insurance. As I just related in another thread, when we finally took our son home after all that time in the NICU they gave me a bill for over $1,000,000! It was almost surreal - the only way we were able to have a Thanksgiving dinner was that we got a fully cooked meal delivered from Catholic Charities. It was humbling...

 

And yet somehow we made it through together. Perhaps it was simply that we were too tired but the stress never caused either of us to look outside our marriage. Just the reverse, the "us against the world" feeling brought us closer together. And I wonder, absent the cheating, if the same might not have been true for you?

 

Set everything else aside. You learn quickly that all of it - the house, furniture, cars, etc. - is just "stuff". It comes and goes. You can always get more "stuff". Your problem really isn't any diferent than other couples dealing with infdelity that didn't have all your other problems. It becomes all about trust, honesty and communication. As others have suggested, MC is a great tool to help you get back on track. I hope you make use of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ProudMommy]

Wow, you have both been through so much and kudos to you for trying to move forward and work it out, most people would just give up, so that's awesome that you guys are trying to work it out.

I am sorry for the loss of your pregnancy. I know that pain all too well.

 

My advice to you is for you and your husband to go to marriage couseling together and possibly a financial advisor. A financial advisior can show you how to manage your money better, which would take a lot of stress off your marriage, and a marriage counselor can help you work through your past problems and make your marriage stronger.

 

Good luck!