Obsessed with his ex

[sub.rosa]

I realize this is long, but I really need advice and I feel the background is important. Read and respond...pretty please?

 

I do believe that while cheating is horrible, the worst part is the side of yourself you become acquainted with in the aftermath.

 

I've been seeing my current boyfriend for about six months. We shared a class in college and he messaged me one day and we started talking online. He mentioned he was living with a friend who he later told me was his ex who he had recently been involved with long term. He portrayed her as rather psychotic, telling me that when he mentioned the prospect of him giving me a ride to class that she came after him with scissors and kicked him out. He started living with his mom because of me before we had even met.

 

When we went out the next week I had a phenomenal time. I'm wildly introverted and striking up an immediate connection to a person and having it reciprocated is rare for me...but here it was. I realized the possibility of him being on rebound and had no expectations which was rather freeing for me.

 

In approximately a week and a half later he told me he loved me and I felt extremely disconcerted. I was extremely happy with this guy. He was attractive, kind, smart, and chivalrous (really!). And though I was a bit bewildered at how fast he was moving, I still agreed to an exclusive relationship when he suggested it. A week later, I had grown more used to the idea, dismissed how quickly things were progressing, and decided to just be happy (which was fantastically easy).

 

So...about a week or so later I received an e-mail from him. Actually, it from his ex sent over his account. She told me that she had made the first move a week or so ago, but that he had called her the day before (after dropping me off) and asked her to come over to talk. She told me he had told her a bunch of "lovely things" and would have slept with her had she not refused. She speculated that while he obviously cares for me, he still has feelings for her too and that is was ****ing with his head but that he might love me someday and then apologized.

 

That really sucked.

 

So I printed off the e-mail and carried it with me. I was going to wait for him to bring it up, but after 15 minutes of waiting I decided I was poor at playing games and asked if we needed to talk. It didn't take any further prodding. He admitted it and I showed him the e-mail but he didn't have much to say and I didn't know where to start. He finally said she had cheated on him earlier in their relationship and he had taken her back and they were together when we had started talking online but that she had given him an ultimatum: stop talking to me or move out. He also said that it was confusing and admitted to having some feelings for her though he couldn't understand them. He mentioned he wasn't planning on getting involved in a serious relationship so soon and that he felt he cared for me more than I cared for him which scared him as he felt the situation was reversed in his last relationship (which makes me wonder why she cheated on him...). Either way...I told him that if he still has feelings for his ex then we should back off until he resolved them...that not doing so would just make this sort of thing commonplace. He said he wanted to stay with me and that the feelings for his ex were rationalized and unimportant. I stayed with him.

 

My rationale: It was a long term relationship which had quickly been broken off. Residual feelings are natural and confusing. We were only a few weeks into our relationship. He moved out because of me and chose to stay with me. And, most of all, I would always wonder what would have happened if I would have left at that point and I couldn't take that.

 

Also, I'm not happy to admit, I realized a small part of me hated him a bit for this...for ruining my good feelings. I figured...if I couldn't get over it at least I would be the one to end things and not have to feel like ****.

 

Enter social networking sites. She added him as a friend on Facebook a few days later. This was important because it gave me a window into her life. He deleted her a few days later but I started checking her profile every day...multiple times a day. I ran searches for her on Google and found her profile on Myspace and similar sites. I checked those every day as well.

 

My boyfriend is free with his passwords. I began reading his e-mail and messages on Facebook. I found she e-mailed him in December with pictures that she suggested he use for his profile (one of the two of them together). She apologized for being rude on the phone when he called her to tell her not to call or text him anymore and asked why he deleted her from Facebook. While I took these as good signs that he had not cheated after the first incident...I found them by going through his e-mail.

 

In January, her car broke down in his town. While there were numerous restaurants and gas stations open, she chose to come to his (mom's) apartment to wait until her boyfriend got there. His mom had let her in and she was there when we arrived. She was in another room and after his mom told us she was there, I asked him if he would like to go somewhere else. He immediately agreed and we left before I even saw her. My reaction was insane though. I felt like seeing the girl I had been obsessing over and checking up on for so long would cause me to fly apart. It was an unreal feeling.

 

The problem is...I now have to wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been there when he walked in to his mom's apartment and found her.

 

If you've read this far and choose to respond...I'm eterally grateful.

 

I need advice: I don't believe he's cheating anymore but I have an irrational hatred toward this girl who I have never met and who, frankly, didn't have any reason to concern herself with my presence in her ex's life. Even though I don't think he's cheating...I still check up on her obsessively. Maybe even more so now. Looking at her pictures makes me physically sick but I cannot stop. My boyfriend has no idea about any of this. I've spoken to him about it only twice...when he cheated and when we found her at his apartment.

 

What do I do?

[mrlimelight]

I think your obsession with his ex just shows how much you like this guy but it also shows your insecurity.

The obsession is paranoia. You keep thinking that she'll steal him away from you. But you have to remember one thing. He's yours. He loves YOU. not her. You have to remember that. Also... learn to trust your boyfriend more. i understand there was that issue with him cheating. but if you give him attention and show him your love. he'll soon forget about that ex of his.

How to stop your obsession is to simply cut off.

When you go on the internet. do not immediately stalk her on myspace or read your boyfriend's emails. Just try distracting yourself from wanting to obsess. Just remember. Trust is a really important factor in a relationship. So trust your boyfriend. He loves you.

[blackbird]

I got together with one of my exes very shortly after he had broken up with an (also pretty psychotic) ex-girlfriend and still harbored feelings for her, and it generated resentment and mistrust from the start. Like you, I had an unspoken, irrational negative focus on the ex (though quite so intensely, I would not say I ever hated her or that her presence would have made me fly apart, just become very tense). I don't think it would have been impossible to overcome, had we been communicative about it, but we weren't.

 

Your focus on her is a red herring, just a symptom. The real problem is between you and your bf. He's kept things from you, and you're keeping things from him -- how much any contact with his ex bothers you, that you're snooping through his emails, etc. You can't build trust if you continue this way.

 

Find a way to tell him that you're vulnerable because of how your relationship began and what he did early on, that it makes you uncomfortable that she is still in his life, and ask him to be more transparent with you about his communications with her. It seems like you are afraid of doing what she did: give him an ultimatum, choose her or me. Perhaps you think he might walk if you act as controlling. There's a difference between being honest and being controlling. You can tell him how you feel without accusing him or giving an ultimatum, and you should.

[MakeLemonade]

You should try to get over your feelings about her, as so far as I have read, he is certainly showing you that he wants to be with you.

 

You gave him the opportunity to try again with her, he chose to be with you.

 

He deleted her off his facebook, he told her to stop emailing, texting, calling him.

 

He isn't secretive with his passwords and personal pages with you - that implies trust & openness.

 

He turned around and walked right out the door with you when she was at his mom's place.

 

I think, while re-boundish - this could have some kind of future - a forever future I don't know - but that doesn't really sound like what you are looking for necessarily right now anyway.

 

It is hard to go no contact with an ex - she even stated she contacted him first in the original scenario. It doesn't really sound like he wants to be with her, and actually sounds like he is pretty happy with you.

 

If you can get past her crap, just think of her as a fly on a horse's tail - you might need to shoo her away every now and then but she is inconsequential. An annoyance at most. Then I think it sounds like you two could be happy together.

[Dirk Diggler]

:)love me little, love me long. :-)

 

"Me love you long time"