infinite23 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I have been reading through some posts on here, and it seems that people recommend NC to help deal with a breakup. However im not sure if using NC is just to get over someone, or to actually get someone back... So should i be using NC even if i really, really want them back? do people recommend NC so that after a period of time *I* will really know what i feel and want, and not just feel the initial separation anxiety? or: is it to make the other party feel unwanted, and thus through reverse psychology want you back? ---- MY STORY: I have been with this girl for about 9-10 months. We are fairly good together, with lots of good moments. I kissed some other girl early on in the relationship and was so sorry, she took it well except she got me back by kissing one of her friends a short time later. I was not even pissed off at all, i kinda understand how it can happen especially when alcohol and revenge are concerned. I thought it was tit for tat and all was resolved. Then recently she tells me how she has a crush on some other dude and kissed him. I was pissed off for a bit and said we need a break, but after a day i thought that i liked her too much to end it, so we sorta got back together. Since then it has been off and on, and i know that since she has been seeing the dude that she kissed. I have been real pathetic, taking blame for causing her to cheat, saying how much i love her, need her, etc. The sorta stuff that i from what i have read girls dont want to hear. I really want this girl back, and I am trying to avoid contact as much as possible. She was living here and all her stuff is still here. She seems to come over nearly every day, and only lately have i kinda been cold to her. NC is almost impossible. But now she has made plans to move north about 600miles in just over a week. I think that her decision to move is to do with being unemployed, sick of school and also to do with our breakup. She says she wants a fresh start - it just looks like she wants to run away to me... We agreed on a 4week 'break' after she moves, where we both are going to try and forget each other. However we didn't really set rules about contact and whether we are allowed to see other people... Do i make contact with her before she goes? Do i write her a letter? whats the best way to approach this
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 In this case, NC isn't going to matter either way. She's already gone emotionally, and isn't coming back. The 'break' is just a way to let you down easy while she gets on with her life. The best way to approach it is to do whatever feels right to you to do. Just understand one crucial thing: it won't bring her back, whatever it is you do. It might get her to stay in contact with you out of guilt and obligation - and that is probably the worst thing that could happen. You'll be pinning false hope and wishful thinking onto it, thinking that you see a chance where there is none. The least painful thing in the long run is to simply turn and walk away with no contact, and go on with your life as if she had died.
Author infinite23 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 i know the easiest thing to do is to call it all off. But i look into her eyes and i can see something there still. I know she still has feelings for me, she hasnt cast me off or even tried to stop seeing me. She still wants to hang out, and i end up seeing her everyday for one reason or another. She even tells me that she is having second thoughts about moving, but i honestly told her it is probably best for her. Not because i dont want to be with her, but because she needs to grow, and being thrown into the deepend is really going to do wonders for her self esteem and self worth. I know that i internalise critical things to the relationship and I think that is what caused the breakup. I mean i keep these things to myself, and then take it out on her (in one way or another) without telling her why. In all my relationships I neglect and ignore the problem and let it get to such a point that we break up - just to get the issue out into the light of day. I know this causes so much damage, but i guess i am lazy when it comes to confrontation... I just hope that after moving, she will have a chance to stop the daily drinking and really think about what we had. After we have had some space from each other I think we really will know what we want. i feel that some things are worth fighting for, and i really think this is one of them.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 There is nothing wrong with fighting the fight, but just be sure to put aside some part of your heart away from her and preserve it well. It will be what you have to draw strength from later. Go into it wanting success but willing to accept defeat.
Author infinite23 Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 Well i let her go completely about a fortnight ago. I basically organised to meet her, then i ended it on my own terms - before she had left. I said how the temporary break wasnt going to work and that we both have to move on. After thinking about it I realised that it would be stupid to try and maintain a long distance temporary break up. It was just me trying to hold onto something which had gone. I really wish I had of had the guts to end it the moment I first found out about the cheating... Anyways its been over 2 weeks of NC. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no IM and no facebook (i deleted her as a "friend"). Now here is the kinda strange part, she has been trying to contact me by calling and the through facebook. I havent replied or answered her calls and the intrigue is kinda killing me. I know that if I talk to her it will re-open the wound, and im back to square one. ARRRRR sometimes i naively wish i could just delete her out of my life, kinda like in that awesome movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"...
Author infinite23 Posted April 7, 2008 Author Posted April 7, 2008 oh noes. she just called me about 20mins ago from a private number - i thought it was going to be someone else and i answered... i said about 15 words in all and was generally standoffish towards her. the whole conversation lasted about 1 and a half minutes. i kinda just let her do all the talking and left big awkward silences until she said she had to go. she wanted to know if i had thrown out the last of her stuff - i told her "no it was in the garage" and then she went on to say how her friend is going to get it, i was like "yeah ok whatever" she told she was starting her first day in a new job tomorrow - i told her, "yeah great" she kept saying "i know you dont want to talk to me" - i think she was trying to bait me into saying that i did want to talk to her. but i just said "i dont think its a good idea" the worst part of it all is that in a day or so im going to regret dealing with it like this, and start second guessing myself. If i had of been friendly with her i would regret it too. it really is a LOSE / LOSE situation. i wish i hadn't of answered... i had 16 days of NC before this!
cyabye Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 infinite23, I think you handled it the right way. Don't second guess yourself. You handled it with dignity. Self respect is more important than anything. By keeping some of your dignity it puts you on the positive side and you are getting your power back. She doesn't care about the stuff in the garage. She wanted to know how you were dealing with her leaving and you are dealing with it just fine! 16 days of NC had her thinking and wondering. Let her wonder and you move on. Hope this helps, cyabye
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