bohogrrl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I met a man on a dating site who said he was separated, and shared custody of his teenage girls; we hit it off and went out for many months. He seemed amazing at the time, but after awhile some of his behavior didn’t add up, so I decided to do some digging. I discovered that he was very much married, found out that his wife’s parents co-owned his restaurant business, and that he was also having an affair with an employee 23 years his junior. I was devastated. As much as I felt bad for myself, I felt terrible for his wife. And after much deliberation and soul searching, I decided to tell her what I knew, so she could at least be in a position to make informed decisions. I called her at work saying I had something to share with her about her husband, and asked if she could meet me for a coffee afterwards. She said no, and wanted to know what I had to say right then. I tried my best to compress many months down into 3 minutes. Halfway through, she interjected with, “What’s your point?” It threw me off balance - I thought telling someone that their husband was cheating was the point. So I just said, "I simply think it's your right to know the truth." (It made me think of the possibility that in the past she may have been approached by other women with different motivations.) At the very end of my explanation, I quickly added that I’ve also been told that he’s having an affair with a waitress at the restaurant. I didn’t have a chance to say who before his wife said, “Is this all? Then goodbye." I was surprised that she didn’t want to know which employee her husband was fooling around with. I had prepared a package for her, which included correspondence and some other documents as proof of his deceptions, as well as a supportive note, saying that she wants to ask any further questions, or get any clarifications, I’m at her disposal. After the phone call, I discreetly dropped off the package at her work. Under the circumstances I felt I did the right thing, but yet I also feel unresolved. Maybe because I wasn’t prepared for her response and lack of curiosity. So I need some help and insight from you all. Clearly she could hear the empathy in my voice, so why didn’t she want to meet me? Why was she not interested in finding out more? Do you think she believed me? I need you need to make sense of this situation. Thank you!
SeraBella Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 It seems like she knows. Perhaps they are kind of separated but put on a show for their family?
mopar crazy Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I have a feeling she already knows too. There is one thing I can't understand. How a BW could just accept that her H has a GF and stays in the M. I couldn't do that. My heart goes out to those women who feel they need to live like that.
bentnotbroken Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Or the pain is too, much right now. She needs time to absorb what has been said. And she is thinking, believe me she is analyzing ever little detail. You did good, now let it go.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Given the particular situation you described, I think you did the honorable thing. Especially when considering this man entrapped you by lying about his current marital situation. Looks like it was a con job all the way around rather than a choice you made to willingly date a married man. It takes a lot of dignity and class to extricate yourself from a situation like that the moment you learn the truth rather than invent excuses to participate just because you’re feeling a little lonesome. It also says a lot about you as a person ... that the respect you have for yourself you also extend to others. You’re a class act, and I hope you never change. As for your confusion about the wife’s ambivalence, don’t let it throw you. I can’t hazard a guess to her particular reasons ... but I can tell you my own mother used a very similar tactic to take the wind out of the sails of more than a few vindictive bunny-boilers who called looking for revenge. Of course, their motives were different than yours. And while it worked amazingly (they were left completely stunned and speechless, never bothering to call our home again) ... she DID break down and cry after she hung up the phone. Won’t hijack your thread by going into all the details of the whys and what fors ... but I can pretty much guarantee your message didn’t fall on deaf ears. My best guess is that you’re NOT the first affair he’s had and she may have assumed you were just another willing participant looking for some payback. And rather than give any other woman the satisfaction ... she’ll likely be handling her sorry excuse for a husband and marriage on her own terms. Oh, but to be a barfly on that wall ...
LadyDi Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Well, I'm at the other end.....I think once you found out he was married and you didn't want to be part of that mess, you should have just left. You seriously thought she'd welcome that news?
MimiMe Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I have a feeling she already knows too. There is one thing I can't understand. How a BW could just accept that her H has a GF and stays in the M. I couldn't do that. My heart goes out to those women who feel they need to live like that. And this is why I am getting a D!! I refuse to live this way, took me almost 4yrs but it wont take me another day! Seems like she either knows and doesn't care because their marriage is a business -or- this is an "another one bites the dust" situation for her. Has he tried contacting you? what do you think is going to happen when he finds out that you tried blowing up his spot? Be careful, people end in body bags for stuff like that. Best of luck.
MimiMe Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Given the particular situation you described, I think you did the honorable thing. Especially when considering this man entrapped you by lying about his current marital situation. Looks like it was a con job all the way around rather than a choice you made to willingly date a married man. It takes a lot of dignity and class to extricate yourself from a situation like that the moment you learn the truth rather than invent excuses to participate just because you’re feeling a little lonesome. It also says a lot about you as a person ... that the respect you have for yourself you also extend to others. You’re a class act, and I hope you never change. I second that! When a M person lies to you, you are also a victim.
noforgiveness Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 wow now here is a woman with high self esteem who values herself. So nice to read a woman who didn't just say oh but I didn't know and when I found out it was too late I was in love. You did the right thing and I applaud you. His wifes reaction is odd but it is really not your concern.
Lookingforward Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 The guy is a player and it sounds like his wife is already very well aware of that.
Gwyneth Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 KUDOS to you for doing your research AND calling the wife!!!! Sounds like you caught her off guard, and she most likely knew her H is a LAME slime ball.
SoleMate Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I think you did exactly the right thing, for the right reasons. You were constructive, clear, and honest. You didn't tell her how to feel or how to react. You just gave her the facts you truly felt she deserved to have, and left it at that. Your actions are such a REFRESHING change from 99% of the "telling the betrayed spouse" questions and stories we hear. Most of the OW (and a few OM) have very unclean hands in the whole business and only decide that the spouse "deserves the truth" AFTER they get dumped! You took the other road, so brava for you. As far as the wife's reaction....my first thought is that her reaction, WHATEVER it may be, is properly no concern of yours. She is technically a stranger to you (although a very special kind of stranger), and neither of you owes the other a thing. Second thought.....she may have seemed quite stoic. In all likelihood, she's gotten similar calls several times in the past, so she doesn't experience the same shock that someone would who heard it the first time. And it is likely that she is in great pain, and also likely that she'll do anything she can to avoid having you - or anyone else, but especially YOU - see how bad she's hurting. It's bad enough to have an OW doing your H, but then offering you empathy......I don't think it's realistic to expect many takers on that offer. Despite how kindly you mean it. I would recommend that you focus on putting these two unfortunate individuals, and their problems, well behind you.
MimiMe Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Also has to do with the personality of the W. Some people are just not as sensitive as others. People have different defense mechanism- she could be rolled in a ball crying right now for all we know.
Cagney Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) I've been anguishing over the decision to tell the truth to my MW's husband. Thanks for the additional insight. Did you do the right thing? Or not? Hooray to those who are so sure that you did the right thing. At least they're sure! Hooray to those who think you did the wrong thing. At lest they're sure too. I wish I could be so sure! But I'm glad I read your post before actually making the call. I'm a little MORE sure now, that I need to just walk away and let it be. I wish Mother Mary would visit me and say either, "Let it be" or "Make the call, don't let her get away with this" Thank you for posting, I know you're concerned. FWIW, it sounds like you (in your case) did no further damage. Edited March 13, 2008 by Cagney
justice Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 You should not worry about what or why she reacted the way she did. You definately did the right thing and I commend you for doing it. I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that and that you find the strength to sever all ties to him.
Cagney Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 You should not worry about what or why she reacted the way she did. You definately did the right thing and I commend you for doing it. I hope you find peace and comfort in knowing that and that you find the strength to sever all ties to him. Hey Justice, Would you mind visiting my thread and give me your honest feedback too? "Should I tell her Husband?" And I too wish this OP peace and comfort. And strength to stay away.
jaslene2009 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Well, to tell you the truth, I wouldn't call to tell her anything. Especially, since they are in business together. Most poeple believe that everybody marries for love. That is not always the issue for everyone and maybe she married for the business. If that is the case, she is really not thinking about what he does on the side. That could be why her response was a little strange. Yes, the OW gets hurt as well, but you need to try and move on. Let him go and be somebody else's problem.
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