Never_Again Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 This summer it will have been a year since everything went down and ended with my xmm. I haven't dated anyone since him and I have no desire to. I know, for sure, I definitely do not want to have sex again until I am married. Do you think I will ever have the desire to date again? I feel kind of crappy about this. I have a very close male friend that is absolutely head-over-heels in love with me and would do ANYTHING for me (and my child). But I just have no attraction or romantic feelings for him. He is such a wonderful guy... the ideal partner. But... I don't know. I have known him since about a year before I even met xmm. I know I am not completely over xmm and probably won't be for a while... I am just losing hope that I will ever find a great guy that I actually have feelings for. The only guys that I actually feel slightly attracted to are middle-aged men (I am in my early 20s) on t.v. or who are just passing by, etc. Xmm is a middle-aged man. Is there a correlation, you think? I would never date someone that old again... but, I don't know. Even before xmm, I had a huge crush on Kevin Spacey when I was around 17! What is wrong with me? *sigh*
Tyra Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I wouldn't say that theirs something wrong with you. But you're not going to have any feelings for no one, until you completely get over your break up. But I think that you will have the desire to date again.You'll find another great guy. Don't go out searching for one, just let time permit, and one will eventually come. Don't worry.
Gwyneth Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I'm very sure you will find love again. And that's good you don't want to sacrafice your dear friendship with your friend who is in love with you--that situation can turn uglier than with the ex-MM, plus you lose a friend. YOu had nothing to lose by losing MM. Good for you for holding on so long already! When you are ready, you will move on. I think you aren't ready right now. Finish healing and one day you will be ready to take the next step--moving forward. I'm sure God already has someone lined up for you when you ready to date again. It will happen when it's time--no need to rush these kinds of things either
carhill Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 OP, time and experience change people. You may find yourself a different woman when the process of letting go of xmm and/or the inferences you draw regarding others (comparing to him) is complete and you move on as a fresh woman. At that point, take another look at your male friend. You may be surprised. In any event, I hope you're always honest with him. He deserves that.
White Flower Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I never once looked at a man with salt n pepper hair until MM. Now I look at them all the time! (Sorry honey--only looking) He has shown me what men his age are capable of. They're energetic, they know life is short so they live it to the fullest, and they seem to value women just a little bit more than younger guys. Sorry younger guys, you'll get there, lol. And let's not forget the experience they bring to the rel. You're probably associating all these qualities you came to know from your mid-aged guy and that's OK. Experience is everything. Try dating a younger guy and make your comparison. You'll find there isn't any unless of course he is out of this world. Time will make it easier for you.
HeatherK08 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 This summer it will have been a year since everything went down and ended with my xmm. I haven't dated anyone since him and I have no desire to. I know, for sure, I definitely do not want to have sex again until I am married. Do you think I will ever have the desire to date again? I feel kind of crappy about this. I have a very close male friend that is absolutely head-over-heels in love with me and would do ANYTHING for me (and my child). But I just have no attraction or romantic feelings for him. He is such a wonderful guy... the ideal partner. But... I don't know. I have known him since about a year before I even met xmm. I know I am not completely over xmm and probably won't be for a while... I am just losing hope that I will ever find a great guy that I actually have feelings for. The only guys that I actually feel slightly attracted to are middle-aged men (I am in my early 20s) on t.v. or who are just passing by, etc. Xmm is a middle-aged man. Is there a correlation, you think? I would never date someone that old again... but, I don't know. Even before xmm, I had a huge crush on Kevin Spacey when I was around 17! What is wrong with me? *sigh* I'm so scared that this will be me in a year. I can't imagine being attracted to or wanting anyone else Just went NC with MM yesterday. I also think I will have lost interest in guys my age...at least now I know I won't settle for less though.
findmyway Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I am right there with you guys- scared I will never find anyone else attractive... I have tried dating some and keeping options open throughout the affair, but no one did it for me- not even close. When I am out now, I have no interest in anyone! I just want MM. Also, the age thing- guys my age seem so immature, after dating MM who was alittle older, don't think I can ever go back to one of them!
MimiMe Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I am right there with you guys- scared I will never find anyone else attractive... I have tried dating some and keeping options open throughout the affair, but no one did it for me- not even close. When I am out now, I have no interest in anyone! I just want MM. Also, the age thing- guys my age seem so immature, after dating MM who was alittle older, don't think I can ever go back to one of them! Findmyway... it will find you, it comes when you are not looking. One day you may turn around and say, how did that happen?!?!! Think that no one probably did it for any of you guys because you were tunnel vision on your MM, so they really didnt stand a chance?
Author Never_Again Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 I am right there with you guys- scared I will never find anyone else attractive... I have tried dating some and keeping options open throughout the affair, but no one did it for me- not even close. When I am out now, I have no interest in anyone! I just want MM. Also, the age thing- guys my age seem so immature, after dating MM who was alittle older, don't think I can ever go back to one of them! Don't get me wrong, xmm was DEFINITELY very immature and acted like a child at times... but when it came to sexual allure, attractiveness, and matters of the bedroom he was anything but immature.
OpenBook Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 He has shown me what men his age are capable of. They're energetic, they know life is short so they live it to the fullest, and they seem to value women just a little bit more than younger guys. Sorry younger guys, you'll get there, lol. And let's not forget the experience they bring to the rel. Really? My experience has been totally different! The older ones are set in their ways and still have that mindset of women "having their place" and never being quite up to par with them -- they like their woman to be dependent on them, and look for what she can do for THEM. The younger ones, on the other hand, admire and treasure my independence and experience. They dig me for me. That being said... I am just losing hope that I will ever find a great guy that I actually have feelings for. The only guys that I actually feel slightly attracted to are middle-aged men (I am in my early 20s) on t.v. or who are just passing by, etc. Xmm is a middle-aged man. Is there a correlation, you think? I would never date someone that old again... but, I don't know. Even before xmm, I had a huge crush on Kevin Spacey when I was around 17! What is wrong with me? Gosh you're so YOUNG!! You have tons of deep, rich experiences ahead of you. Don't worry about it! You just go on and be attracted to whomever you want. Don't try to control it (your feelings of attraction). Just listen to your head as well as your heart when deciding whether to actually get involved with someone. And yes, I think there's a correlation between your xMM and the men you're attracted to. It's not the fact that they are middle-aged, it's that you're looking for HIM in other guys, and since he happens to be middle-aged, that's what you're seeking. There are certain personality traits in your xMM that draw you to him. It helps to be aware of what those qualities are when balancing one's head with one's heart.
LakesideDream Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I feel for you Never Again. I have essentially the same problem. I am only sexually and romanticly attracted to one person, and I have tried to diversify ! Sadly she is married. I'm an old guy, 57 (only grey is in the sideburns and beard, which I shave) and as regular readers here know, I'm currently embarking on a chaotic journey to try to win her surrounding giblets, (I already have her heart, or so she says). It's amazing to me how once focused, a person can stand in a forest and only see a single tree.
HeatherK08 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Has it ever occurred to anyone that the reason these older married men are sooooo good and experienced in bed is because THEIR WIVES TAUGHT and TRAINED them? When I first met my xH he was pitifully inexperienced, and after YEARS and YEARS of communication and training he became an excellent lover, that by the time we divorced he knew his way around and knew he was good at it. The MM's love to complain about how their wives don't give it up enough or at all, but um, my xH told people I was a lesbian and that's why I divorced him!!! Men will say alot to cover up their own insecurities.
Owl Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Heather, I think you're completely right on that!!! I'm an "older man"...and can say that having been married for 20 years has darn sure made me a much more considerate mate/lover/etc... Had I been single all this time, I've no doubt that I wouldn't have learned nearly as much about how to be a good husband/mate/etc...
OWoman Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I never once looked at a man with salt n pepper hair until MM. Now I look at them all the time! (Sorry honey--only looking) He has shown me what men his age are capable of. They're energetic, they know life is short so they live it to the fullest, and they seem to value women just a little bit more than younger guys. Sorry younger guys, you'll get there, lol. And let's not forget the experience they bring to the rel. Nope, a whole bunch more! They're so over that superficial stuff that younger guys want to enhance their testosteron titres with (when they're not playing on their Wii, or watching football on the big screen tv) and can really connect with a woman in a way that makes her feel special, not just "there". It's like eating in a restaurant after a lifetime of MacDonalds - who'd want to go back to quick & cheap when you can have quality?
HeatherK08 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Nope, a whole bunch more! They're so over that superficial stuff that younger guys want to enhance their testosteron titres with (when they're not playing on their Wii, or watching football on the big screen tv) and can really connect with a woman in a way that makes her feel special, not just "there". It's like eating in a restaurant after a lifetime of MacDonalds - who'd want to go back to quick & cheap when you can have quality? Ah, there's the keyword, quality. It's true, as far as character, intelligence, conversation, care, maturity, I've never known this kind of quality in men my age or close to my age.
HeatherK08 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Heather, I think you're completely right on that!!! I'm an "older man"...and can say that having been married for 20 years has darn sure made me a much more considerate mate/lover/etc... Had I been single all this time, I've no doubt that I wouldn't have learned nearly as much about how to be a good husband/mate/etc... My xMM has only ever been with 3 women in his life and is an amazing lover. More experienced than men I've dated who've been with considerably more women. But I know, though my own past relationship that it was developed over time with being with one person and actually caring enough to listen and want to know their bodies hearts and minds.
MimiMe Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 My xMM has only ever been with 3 women in his life and is an amazing lover. More experienced than men I've dated who've been with considerably more women. But I know, though my own past relationship that it was developed over time with being with one person and actually caring enough to listen and want to know their bodies hearts and minds. and Probably that's why... Because he has been intimate with less people. There are men out there that think that is just about sticking it and that the amount of different holes is really the target.
HeatherK08 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 and Probably that's why... Because he has been intimate with less people. There are men out there that think that is just about sticking it and that the amount of different holes is really the target. I know, I've dated one too many of those, blech. Love your quote btw.
MimiMe Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I know, I've dated one too many of those, blech. Love your quote btw. The purpose one... I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life- What on Earth Am I Here For?" by Rick Warren. It's a 40 day commitment to discover G*d's purpose for my life. Very helpful. The Spirit... I am not "religious" but "spiritual" and still have a lot to learn about either subject. One thing for sure... someone listens and grants serenity fo'sho!
HeatherK08 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 The purpose one... I am reading "The Purpose Driven Life- What on Earth Am I Here For?" by Rick Warren. It's a 40 day commitment to discover G*d's purpose for my life. Very helpful. The Spirit... I am not "religious" but "spiritual" and still have a lot to learn about either subject. One thing for sure... someone listens and grants serenity fo'sho! Fo' reals! Ya me neither, religion kills. But spirituality I wish more people would understand and practice.
Author Never_Again Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 And yes, I think there's a correlation between your xMM and the men you're attracted to. It's not the fact that they are middle-aged, it's that you're looking for HIM in other guys, and since he happens to be middle-aged, that's what you're seeking. I didn't think about it like that.... you are probably right!
Author Never_Again Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Has it ever occurred to anyone that the reason these older married men are sooooo good and experienced in bed is because THEIR WIVES TAUGHT and TRAINED them? Blech, you are probably right. My xmm has had considerable experience, though. He was quite a player before he was married (and DURING his marriage!). He told me over and over how the sex between us was the best he had ever had (I don't doubt it, either.... it was absolutely mind-blowing!), but he DID say that before me, the sex he had with his wife was the best. So she probably did teach him a few things....
Author Never_Again Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Nope, a whole bunch more! They're so over that superficial stuff that younger guys want to enhance their testosteron titres with (when they're not playing on their Wii, or watching football on the big screen tv) and can really connect with a woman in a way that makes her feel special, not just "there". It's like eating in a restaurant after a lifetime of MacDonalds - who'd want to go back to quick & cheap when you can have quality? YES!!! Oh my goodness, exactly!!!!!
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