BalancenLuv20 Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) i thought i had it down...i really did...as of last week i'm now a lead singer in a talented band, grades pushing up, keeping myself busy...i hadnt looked at my ex's myspace or her bf in nearly 2 months, ignored her last 2 calls in late february...i thought i had nearly reached the peak to fighting this... But then something unexpected happen...the ex before this one, we'll call her Ali, came back into my life through a text message...and then a phone conversation...and then a kiss...it all happened so fast...words can't describe the complexities of deepness involved in what Ali and I had when we dated, but i wasn't happy i guess, the two biggies being she was afraid to be very intimate with me and she had a ton of baggage(raped, parents beat her, some medical condition where doctor said she wont make it past 50, etc...) it was too much for me and so i bailed...now she's back...we had 2 fantastic times together and the one day i don't see this girl i now feel lonely as ever and found myself with too much time on my hands and the voices came back and there i was on my LAST ex's myspace and her bf's injecting myself with the dosage of pain all over again followed by calling her... this situation is so screwed up...i feel like such a hypocrite for giving people advice on here about staying away from myspace pages and NC and then i go out and break them both AGAIN...ali told me she can't hang out for a while because her mom just hit her and she can't go out anymore except to school b/c someone called her mom and said she was out partying when she was supposed to be home... i told ali to get the hell out of her parents place and call CPS or the cops after what her mom did and that this wasn't the first time...this girl is just too much for me I can't get involved in all this drama! So why can't i just be happy and content with what i have? someone who loves me and genuinely values me finally and now I'm afraid to get attached...i've come so far i'm so blessed in my life yet i can't find happiness and nothing btwn me and another woman feels right anymore... i don't want answers...i don't want sympathy...i just want to leak out the pain the pain i exposed myself to today in such an obliterating fashion...o and i just got off the phone with the ex...she says she doesn't care about me hardly at all anymore...enough to return my call, but that's about it she said...it's a sigh of relief...i dunno how much more closure or signals i need but that's got to be the icing on the cake, the proof I need directly from her mouth she wants nothing to do with me...i told her if she ever wants me back in her life she will have to work DAMN hard to get me and prove to me I'm of value... and i guess in terms of ali i just should probably tell her i'm not ready for this i don't want to get attached and that all i'm gonna do is hurt her again like i did last time...wow i'm feeling better already... Edited March 13, 2008 by BalancenLuv20
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