finally told MM I'm pregnant...

[Gwyneth]

Gwyneth.... I am honestly happy for you and your decision to tell him that you were pregnant.

 

I have to say: You don't need people telling you what you could've, should've, would've done!! That's the past. You knew that you could get pregnant and whether you used protection or not, that is something youo are dealing with right now. Telling you what you should have done is not going to change the fact that you are now pregnant and it's not going to change the past. I admire the fact that you already know that you don't have to defend yourself or your motives or your reasons to anyone!

 

I was in your situation once. I also didn't want him to be involved in the life of my baby, mainly because after I told him I was pregnant, he actually turned into a monster and I just didn't want a monster around my kid.

 

It might be different for you. I hope so! Either way, do what's best for you and your child (dren) and whatever feels good to YOU. You haven't gone this far in life being stupid or acting unsafe. I'm sure you won't bring anyone in your life to share your child(dren) with you unless you feel comfortable with him. And if he turns out to be bad.... well come'on you don't have a crystal ball at home!

 

I think a lot of things about your situation BUT those are MY thoughts... so it would be nice to see people around here being more suportive of the NOW than chastasing you for the YESTERDAY.

 

Congratulations on your achievement Gwyneth. I only hope it gets better for you from now on. And if it doesn't, we'll be here to listen. That's all I can promise to do.

 

 

Thank you And I'm glad you agree that I don't owe any explanations around here

 

As for knowing I could have ended up pregnant--well yes to that The first time I ever got pregnant, I was actively on the BCP and somehow one of those little guys fertilized my egg. Go figure

 

WWIS:

 

Yes, he was my soulmate, but you don't necessarily have to be in love with your soulmate. That isn't a promise. I loved him as a friend and maybe even a little more, but to be In Love is asking a lot from me. Love and being In Love are very different for me. I thought I had made that clear every time I did say he is my soul mate and I enjoy his friendship. I have a few best friends who are females who were at one time my soulmates too--I also loved them. I can't say it's the same love I had for him because I was not intimate with my female friends... And just like with MM's wife, I also did not like some of my friend's boyfriends who they would tell me were mistreating them--it's the same deal. I have many friend's whose boyfriends or husbands I do not or have not liked because of things they'd tell me. Of course, that's one side of the story, but I think it's almost natural for you to defend your friend and even your lover, when they tell you the bad side of the situation. It's human behavoir and normal / natural.

[herenow]

Yes, he was my soulmate, but you don't necessarily have to be in love with your soulmate. That isn't a promise. I loved him as a friend and maybe even a little more, but to be In Love is asking a lot from me. Love and being In Love are very different for me. I thought I had made that clear every time I did say he is my soul mate and I enjoy his friendship. I have a few best friends who are females who were at one time my soulmates too--I also loved them. I can't say it's the same love I had for him because I was not intimate with my female friends... And just like with MM's wife, I also did not like some of my friend's boyfriends who they would tell me were mistreating them--it's the same deal. I have many friend's whose boyfriends or husbands I do not or have not liked because of things they'd tell me. Of course, that's one side of the story, but I think it's almost natural for you to defend your friend and even your lover, when they tell you the bad side of the situation. It's human behavoir and normal / natural.

 

Just popping in again and I'm a bit confused. I have read all about OW and soulmates on this board. I have taken it to mean that a soulmate is the one person you are meant be with, but if that person is married, well you met your soulmate at the wrong time, but he or she is still your ultimate mate.

 

This new meaning of a soulmate has me perplexed. Which is it? Friend, lover, neither or either. Or does everyone have a different meaning of a soulmate and then it really doesn't mean anything. Please explain. I'll try to be back later, I would love to understand this new take on soulmates.

[Gwyneth]

I have heard people use the term in many different ways. I have heard people say their parents or siblings are their soulmates. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the concept of it.

[Ariadne]

Child support is set up to protect children, not the parents who create them, irresponsiblity or not. Every child is entitled to financial support, at least, from both parents. Adriadne it takes two people to create a child, and both are held equally responsible

 

She should inform him within the first trimester that she is pregnant.

 

If he doesn't want to have a baby, then either she should have an abortion, support the babies herself, or give the baby for adoption.

 

Not to force someone to support a baby he didn't intend to have.

 

If she really didn't want to get pregnant she could have used birth control.

[nadiaj2727]

 

Not to force someone to support a baby he didn't intend to have.

 

If she really didn't want to get pregnant she could have used birth control.

 

Same goes for him... if he really didn't want her to get pregnant he could have used birth control. She can't force something on him that he himself participated in creating.

 

The deed is done, HIS sperm already went into her egg... he definitely played a part in this so I don't see how you think he can duck out now just because having two more children is an inconvenience to him. That's some really sexist reasoning you've got there honey.

 

Oh well. Luckily your opinion is now that law and the law supports the innocent children who never asked to be conceived.... and now that they are, they have every right to financial support from both parents. It's not the babies' fault... they shouldn't have to be aborted or put up for adoption when their mother wants them just because their father doesn't.

 

Luckily this country still (barely) supports a woman's right to choose. If a man doesn't like that, he should always be sure to use two condoms LOL. He knows what happens if he doesn't. If a man doesn't want to have children, he should use protection... same as a woman... that's true equality under the law. Both people have the same OPTION to use a condom or some other method if they don't want a baby... she didn't force him to have unprotected sex with her. Geez LOL. He obviously wasn't being responsible or protecting himself and now he has to pay the piper so to speak. That's the way it works and he knows it.

[Gwyneth]

She should inform him within the first trimester that she is pregnant.

 

If he doesn't want to have a baby, then either she should have an abortion, support the babies herself, or give the baby for adoption.

 

Not to force someone to support a baby he didn't intend to have.

 

If she really didn't want to get pregnant she could have used birth control.

 

Lady, what era are you from?

 

My decision should be based on his choices? Are you forreal, or just sexist? quite ignorant if you ask me.

 

Who are you to suggest I should have an Abortion or put the babies up for adoption because he might choose not to support us? YOu have GOT to be kidding me!

 

Hun, hate to break it to you, but being a single mum in today's world is like anything and everything else. I make enough money to support three human beings plus a nanny--that's my strong point.

 

Keep your horrible opinions to yourself. I think that's just beyond wrong of you to EVEN suggest I have an abortion or put the babies up for adoption. that's really to personal for you to be suggesting.

[Ariadne]

Lady, what era are you from?

 

My decision should be based on his choices? Are you forreal, or just sexist? quite ignorant if you ask me.

 

Who are you to suggest I should have an Abortion or put the babies up for adoption because he might choose not to support us? YOu have GOT to be kidding me!

 

Hun, hate to break it to you, but being a single mum in today's world is like anything and everything else. I make enough money to support three human beings plus a nanny--that's my strong point.

 

Keep your horrible opinions to yourself. I think that's just beyond wrong of you to EVEN suggest I have an abortion or put the babies up for adoption. that's really to personal for you to be suggesting.

 

No.

 

If he doesn't want the babies then support them yourself.

[nadiaj2727]

She should inform him within the first trimester that she is pregnant.

 

If he doesn't want to have a baby, then either she should have an abortion, support the babies herself, or give the baby for adoption.

 

PS I can't believe you think women should be legally forced to give away or abort our babies, just because a man doesn't want to support the babies he helped us make. Do you live in China? This is America-- women have rights here, as well as reproductive freedom.

 

Plus, yes, everyone should have personal responsibility. I am NOT saying people shouldn't use protection... I think they SHOULD, I think that babies should be wanted by both parents. But it doesn't always happen that way and we shouldn't punish the children or the babies. Letting a man decide that a woman can't have a baby because he didn't exercise HIS personal responsibility to wear a condom flies in the face of personal responsibility for men and says that only WOMEN need to be responsible-- men don't have to be responsible and they can make all the rules -- they can even decide which babies can be born and which can't be!!! That's an amazing view LOL and I'm sure glad we don't live in that world.

[Gwyneth]

No.

 

If he doesn't want the babies then support them yourself.

 

 

Hello!!!!!! Are you not reading what I have been typing? Clearly not.

 

I said, once again, that he will make his choice and I will deal with that choice. It's either he's in their life and paying support, or not in their life and giving up his rights with of course no support.

 

Abortion or adoption are Not an option. Sorry, but they just aren't.

 

I'm not going to Make him be responsible for the babies, but he has to understand that if there's no support, then he has to give up his rights. That's the choice he has to make. However, he said to "Rule out not being a part of their lives," and I said, "sure." So, we'll see...

[nadiaj2727]

we shouldn't punish the children or the babies.

 

^ Sorry typo, I meant we shouldn't punish the children or just the women.

[Gwyneth]

PS I can't believe you think women should be legally forced to give away or abort our babies, just because a man doesn't want to support the babies he helped us make. Do you live in China? This is America-- women have rights here, as well as reproductive freedom.

 

Plus, yes, everyone should have personal responsibility. I am NOT saying people shouldn't use protection... I think they SHOULD, I think that babies should be wanted by both parents. But it doesn't always happen that way and we shouldn't punish the children or the babies. Letting a man decide that a woman can't have a baby because he didn't exercise HIS personal responsibility to wear a condom flies in the face of personal responsibility for men and says that only WOMEN need to be responsible-- men don't have to be responsible and they can make all the rules -- they can even decide which babies can be born and which can't be!!! That's an amazing view LOL and I'm sure glad we don't live in that world.

 

Thank you, Nadia

 

Unfortunately, I think we're dealing with a Very Religious and conservative person here who thinks that it's only the man's choice and if not, then abortion or adoption are the answers to this situation. She needs to get out a bit more often and live reality a little more.

 

I just can't beleive her options were to abort or adopt the baby--that's insane to me.

[Ariadne]

Hello!!!!!! Are you not reading what I have been typing? Clearly not.

 

I said, once again, that he will make his choice and I will deal with that choice. It's either he's in their life and paying support, or not in their life and giving up his rights with of course no support.

 

Abortion or adoption are Not an option. Sorry, but they just aren't.

 

I'm not going to Make him be responsible for the babies, but he has to understand that if there's no support, then he has to give up his rights. That's the choice he has to make. However, he said to "Rule out not being a part of their lives," and I said, "sure." So, we'll see...

 

Pretty convenient.

 

You are never going to see your children or give them love and they will never know the love of a father unless you give us your money.

 

I want to have those babies, but if you want to see them you better pay.

 

Same crap to me.

 

About the abortion or adoption, I don't think those are good choices for you given that you don't have children. The best for you would be to keep them. I agree with that.

[nadiaj2727]

Hello!!!!!! Are you not reading what I have been typing? Clearly not.

 

 

No, she's not. Her logic is very flawed. Just let her have her stone-age views. Obviously she's not going to be convinced that women should have rights and equality. Oh well, I personally think that's her loss.

[Ariadne]

Thank you, Nadia

 

Unfortunately, I think we're dealing with a Very Religious and conservative person here who thinks that it's only the man's choice and if not, then abortion or adoption are the answers to this situation. She needs to get out a bit more often and live reality a little more.

 

I just can't beleive her options were to abort or adopt the baby--that's insane to me.

 

Personally,

 

If I were in your situation.

 

I'd have the babies, see how I manage, let the father be a part of their lives, and if he ever wants to cheap in with money take it as a gift.

[Gwyneth]

Pretty convenient.

 

You are never going to see your children or give them love and they will never know the love of a father unless you give us your money.

 

I want to have those babies, but if you want to see them you better pay.

 

Same crap to me.

 

About the abortion or adoption, I don't think those are good choices for you given that you don't have children. The best for you would be to keep them. I agree with that.

 

Not really. He is legally obligated by the law to pay support unless he gives up his rights. That's the law--not a conveniency for me and / or the babies. He knw what he was getting himself into the minute he put his buddy into my body. That's the risk he took and these are the consequences he's paying.

[Gwyneth]

No, she's not. Her logic is very flawed. Just let her have her stone-age views. Obviously she's not going to be convinced that women should have rights and equality. Oh well, I personally think that's her loss.

 

Seriously...probably a troll anyway.

[nadiaj2727]

Thank you, Nadia

 

Unfortunately, I think we're dealing with a Very Religious and conservative person here who thinks that it's only the man's choice and if not, then abortion or adoption are the answers to this situation. She needs to get out a bit more often and live reality a little more.

 

I just can't beleive her options were to abort or adopt the baby--that's insane to me.

 

In my experience (my very religous and conservative family and town I grew up in), very religious and conservative people don't ever advocate abortion. So I think we have someone who is against women's rights and reproductive freedom. There's no other way to explain it! It just makes no sense. So fur-ged aboud it LOL. You don't have to defend your choice to have your children and your legal RIGHT (luckily) to get child support to anyone, anyway. So let it go, there's no use trying to talk to people who aren't making any sense... let's talk about something more logical LOL.

 

How far along are you? When will they know whether or not it's twins for sure?

[Gwyneth]

In my experience (my very religous and conservative family and town I grew up in), very religious and conservative people don't ever advocate abortion. So I think we have someone who is against women's rights and reproductive freedom. There's no other way to explain it! It just makes no sense. So fur-ged aboud it LOL. You don't have to defend your choice to have your children and your legal RIGHT (luckily) to get child support to anyone, anyway. So let it go, there's no use trying to talk to people who aren't making any sense... let's talk about something more logical LOL.

 

How far along are you? When will they know whether or not it's twins for sure?

 

True...deal.

 

I'm due in the fall, and I have an apointment in two weeks so hopefully I'll find out if it's twins then

 

I'm almost 7 weeks

[nadiaj2727]

True...deal.

 

Good for you for letting it go. I think sometimes people post things just to get other people all riled up, or else we let ourselves get riled up by it when it's no use-- we can't change their minds no matter how outrageous we feel their opinion is or how upset it makes us. I've realized that if it doesn't make me happy, I shouldn't be doing it... and if it does make me happy, I don't need to get all riled up defending it, because I have peace that my actions and beliefs are right for me. So every now and then I tell myself, come on Beatle, let it go.

 

I'm due in the fall, and I have an apointment in two weeks so hopefully I'll find out if it's twins then

 

I'm almost 7 weeks

 

Aww how cute. I usually don't want kids (at least not for like 5 to 10 years LOL) but then I see a cute baby and I'm like awwww I definitely want to have one of those one day. Having two would be a double blessing!

[silktricks]

Seriously...probably a troll anyway.

Ariadne is DEFINITELY not a troll. And just because you don't agree with her point of view, does not make her either a troll or "seriously flawed". It just means you dont agree.

 

7 weeks???? How could you have any kind of a meaningful idea of twins or not at that point? Why do you even have the idea you might be carrying twins?

[Gwyneth]

Ariadne is DEFINITELY not a troll. And just because you don't agree with her point of view, does not make her either a troll or "seriously flawed". It just means you dont agree.

 

7 weeks???? How could you have any kind of a meaningful idea of twins or not at that point? Why do you even have the idea you might be carrying twins?

 

Because an angel came to me one night and told me twins. (Sarcasm...)

[Owl]

As I've stated from the very beginning of time in this forum, and I will Always state, I didn't go into this affair assuming he'd leave his wife for me. I wasn't going to Convince myself of false fantasies. I also did not even Try to fall in love with him--I didn't want to set myself up for heartache. Instead, I got babies...well you win some, you lose some.

 

My perfect scenario would be that he wasn't married and we dated for a while before ending up pregnant, and would raise these babies together. That's all a girl asks for--a little compassion and respect from her lover / partner. Not necessarily with him, but from any guy. I never even really thought of him as a great guy / boyfriend material. He was a great friend and lover, but that was about it. There were Wayyyy to many deal breakers as far as he's concerned. For one, he whines Way to much for a man... and has a problem accepting my lifestyle. He too said to me always that he wished things were different--that he met me at a different time, and that he wasn't married. I believed him because either way, I had nothing to lose from his statement--it is what it is.

 

I don't understand why it's so hard for some of the posters around here to understand that I worked very hard at not falling head over heels for him because of the situation. It's like a miracle to them or something. But that's what I did. I could have easily fallen for him minus all those barriers (those deal breakers I mentioned). I had an affair with him for reasons beyond discussion at this point. There's no honest answer why I engaged in an affair with him. He knows why he did, and both of our reasons do not compare.

 

Gwen, I think you misunderstood the reasons behind my questions. I wasn't asking for a "fantasy" of what-ifs...

 

I was asking you for what you see as the best possible outcome of the situation you're in right now. If this could turn out exactly the way you wanted it to turn out...what would that be? What role would you want MM to have in your life? In your children's lives? And that role means emotionally, physically, financially, etc...

 

If you could work things out "the best way possible"...BASED ON THE REALITY OF HOW THINGS ARE NOW...what would that look like?

 

I'm asking from the perspective of goal setting. Once you know what you want...you can plan on how to get there.

 

I'm not asking to 'set you up' for flames or anything else.

[OWoman]

I realise I'm coming to this discussion late (the internet's been broken here...) but I just can't let this pass without comment.

 

She should inform him within the first trimester that she is pregnant.

 

I've known many women who've only discovered they were pregnant AFTER the first trimester. Many pregnancies are initially asymptomatic - the women have periods (albeit lighter), do not have morning sickness and do not experience breast tenderness. I had a colleague who discovered she was pregnant only when she went into labour.

 

A woman's choice of if, and when, to tell is hers to make, and depends on many factors - including when she finds out herself that she is pregnant.

 

If he doesn't want to have a baby, then either she should have an abortion, support the babies herself, or give the baby for adoption.

 

Not to force someone to support a baby he didn't intend to have.

 

Abortion is not universally available, even today. Adoption is an emotionally laden choice for many women, depending on the circumstances.

 

For centuries women were forced to support babies they didn't want. Now, finally, most countries have adopted legislation which places the onus on BOTH parents and not just the mother. It's his legal and moral duty to support a child he had half-shares in making. Absolving him and placing the responsibility fully on the mother is a return to dark ages of inequity and oppression.

 

If she really didn't want to get pregnant she could have used birth control.

 

As could he. Why lay the blame at her door?

 

For the record, I fell pregnant on the Pill. As did several of my friends. It's not infallible, and "99% effective" means that one in every hundred women DO fall pregnant, through contraceptive failure and no fault of their own. If you consider all the millions of women on the Pill, that's a lot of unplanned babies. Why should this be the woman's problem alone?

[whichwayisup]

If he doesn't want to have a baby,

 

Then this guy should not have had sex with another woman while married. He took a chance and either the condom fell off or he took it off, either way, it doesn't matter now as she is pregnant and now he knows.

[OWoman]

If he doesn't want to have a baby,

 

Then this guy should not have had sex with another woman while married.

 

...then he should not have had sex, full stop! Not with anyone, his W, his OW, or anyone else who could possibly conceive! Whether he was married or not. Any M having sex at any time needs to take equal responsibility for the possibility that a conception could result, and if he really truly does not wish to spawn, he should ensure that HE makes adequate contraceptive provision to prevent that.