when the person you love won't even talk to you?

[aln186]

My relationship with my Ex is a very long story but I guess I should give everyone the background.

 

I met the girl of my dreams while playing a MMORPG (online game) and we hit it off extremely well. We quickly became very good friends and she'd email me on days that I couldn't log to tell me she missed playing with me and things of that sort. We were "just friends" (phone, email, online chat) for probably four or five months before she finally asked me to come see her. *eek*

 

I was scared to death to do so but I agreed. Needless to say, we fell in love with each other but it wasn't an easy road at all. A while after we had started dating each other I discovered that she had some obvious intimacy issues. I didn't press the matter but it was apparent that something wasn't right. After a couple of months of wondering I had to press for some answers, only to find that she had suffered sexual abuse to her stepfather at the age of eleven.

 

I was beside myself... didn't know what to say to her, I just hurt for her and wanted to console her. She immediately shut me out and wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Here I was, totally in love with this girl and after finding this out... even more in love with her.

 

I couldn't let her go... I couldn't just give up on her, so I went to see her the next morning and I must say, it didn't go so well... she was distant and very unhappy. She had a class an hour or so later and we parted... me telling her I loved her and that whatever happened, it was never her fault. She was just a little girl when it happened for christ sakes. I wanted her to know that, regardless of her past, I still loved her and I was there for her.

 

I left, and maybe 30 minutes later I get a text message. "I don't know what it is about you but a part of me doesn't want to let you go".

 

I turned around and went back, waited to see her after her class and we were together from there on out for about eight months. It was never easy loving her. She was never very open about what she felt and it wasn't till 2-3 months after our initial "reunite" that she could ever even tell me she loved me.

 

At that time I wanted to learn everything I could about her... about sexual abuse and how to cope with loving a victim. I even talked to a psychology major friend of mine about the relationship and even introduced her to my girlfriend. They hit it off pretty well and she tried to help as much as she could.

 

The second break-up was mainly about her future. She's a college student and I'm 4 years older, a professional with a career and a job that has me traveling quite often. The traveling was always an issue for her but I was totally honest with her from the beginning in letting her know... this is what I do and yes, it caused problems in a previous relationship. I knew about her biological father and how he was never there for her while she was growing up and how that led to divorce. As you can see... everything that happened to her from there on out was a result of that divorce.

 

Back to the second split... she didn't want to be so close to someone as she felt that would weigh too heavily on her when it came time to follow her dreams. I never wanted to stand in the way of that. My mantra was basically, "follow your dreams and I will be here for you if you decide I'm something you want". She had a very lofty goal and one that I hoped she could see through but I also wanted her to let time sort it all out. Not to write us off on a "possibility".

 

She pretty much called the relationship off and it took her talking to my psych friend (I didn't put her up to it) to start talking to me again and want to work things out. So we were back together and things were going well.

 

In the meantime, my new goal is to start a business and stop all the traveling. I know it's hard on her and then there's the thing with her dad always lingering over me like a guillotine. So I'm working towards that end when my mother goes into the hospital. Here I am... just finished a contract in San Diego and telling her I'm coming home "soon", then my mother goes in for her lung transplant.

 

She seemed fine with it, "Focus on your family, not me"... so I did and between the two weeks with my mother and the other two weeks back in San Diego rounding out the project our communication was almost non-existent.

 

She never was much on email or calling. I felt like I was holding a cattle prod... constantly emailing with never much, if any, response from her. I always wanted to know what she "felt" but she never would discuss much of that with me. Finally I just came to the point where I told her if she wanted to go, then go.

 

It was my frustration speaking out. I wanted to hear her say, "Don't go, I love you... let's talk this over" but that just wasn't her way. She sent me an email, "I'm sorry you had to put up with me, I will never forget you, No one will ever love me the way you do, There will never be anyone else for me".

 

I tried talking to her after I got home. I'd call and see how things were going and we'd talk off and on now and then. She lives about an hour away from me but in all of this talk, I waited for her to say she wanted to see me... that I should come over... but the only thing she really offered me was some money if I'd fix her garage door. I just didn't know how to take it and I was hurt.

 

All this time I had been working myself out of my job and into a business. I finally got to quit my job and in all the busyness of it... I had totally lost sight on "why" I wanted out of the job in the first place..... to spend more time with her. To never have to leave her again but I was a little too late.

 

We didn't talk for about a month after the "home improvement" conversations and one day I just emailed her and asked, "What happened to us baby?". She wouldn't return emails... she wouldn't answer her phone... she never logged online anymore.

 

I wrote her a number of emails, all of which were read but not returned... telling her how much she meant to me. How she had inspired me to be a better person... to finally truly love someone for who they are.

 

I think she was a test for me... a test of true love, compassion and understanding. I had always been giving in relationships but I had also been selfish.

 

The last we talked, she was on an instant messenger and I asked her "why did this happen"... why she never returns emails and so on. Her reply was basically, "I've moved on... I don't want to talk to you anymore, we're finished.". This of course, coming from her roommate because she won't talk to me herself... not even in an instant messenger.

 

Basically, she moved on to someone else and it's something I could sense... and was confirmed in our IM chat. I mean... we' hadn't spoken in a month so it had been a long time right? /sarcasm

 

This was "the girl"... she knows what she meant to me. She knows all about what I was trying to do to be closer to her, yet nothing I say seems to matter now. She reads my emails but never responds. She leaves her cell phone off... she flat out refuses to call and discuss what happened.

 

Me, I can move on. Yeah, I hurt but I've been through the loss of close friends and even my father. That's the kind of loss where, you can never hear from that person again and it's not something I want with this girl. I would simply like to be friends and keep the lines of communication open between us. I love her as a person and I genuinely care about her and want to know how she's doing.

 

I guess it's easier for her to shut me out 100% and try to forget I ever existed. Sometimes I wish I could do the same but we are very different people. There have been nights where I couldn't even sleep for wanting to turn around... go back in time and be with her.

 

I know there's no way to make someone talk to you when they don't want to but this is very difficult for me right now. I've never been able to achieve any closure with this girl and it tears me up at times.

 

I'm totally at a loss....

[AvgJoeDoe]

I think i know what you mean im was going through the same situation. I really dont understand why at one point they tell you youre the best thing ever happened to that person and next youre like enemy number one. What I realized was to let them go and take the fond memories, I know i wish i could turn time around and correct some mistakes and be with her. BUt that is the past, live the present and never lose hope maybe in the future when shes out of her problems she might return but dont make that a fact. Go on with your life also achieve your dreams and be happy.

[aln186]

I consider myself a strong person but this is just eating away at me.

 

I finally get an email from her, "Why do you need answers, not like it is going to change anything".

 

Well, it brings closure for me and that would definitely help me move on... or am I just being selfish?

 

I saw this side of her a couple of times... the 1st was when she totally tried to shut me out after I found out about her past. She was cold and distant and I honestly felt she'd just as well set me on fire than piss on me at that moment. I just chalked it up as not truly understanding where she goes when this "shutdown" takes place.

 

I don't know that this is the same... but it sure seems that way to me. Then again, I often look at situations and only see how "I" would react to them, where as she is a very different person with an awful background... and no real healthy way of dealing with things that have hurt her.

[norajane]

Look at it this way: she's pretty messed up and unless she gets some therapy to work through her abuse and intimacy issues, she's always going to be like this, distant and pushing men away. It's not like if you got back together she'd suddenly be all healed and healthy and be able to have a normal relationship with you. It would just end in another break-up some time down the road when you were even more attached to her.

 

People have to be healthy in order to maintain a healthy relationship. She never will until she deals with her issues, no matter who she's with.

[carhill]

The hard part is you can't "fix" her, even if she did or does have basic love for you. The issues are within her, and always will be. Maybe some day she'll get help and when she's much, much older, she'll be open to a healthy relationship like you offered her.

 

The important thing is that you tried, and, in doing so, learned an important life lesson, one which will help you in your next relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Lance Uppercut]

I think I have figured out what my curse is and its that for whatever reason I attract women that have had bad things happen to them in thier past and the nicer I am to & treat them, the more they resent me and it pushes them away.... Its like they dont want someone who is nice and caring lol....

 

 

Sounds like this Girl may be kind of that type ?

[blind_otter]

The thing is - IME, when people have issues like your GF with the past history of sexual abuse and molestation, this can severely affect how they interact with others on a romantic level. If these issues have gone untreated - they just fester and get worse over time. They don't just go away naturally.

 

I'm afraid it's quite common for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse to run hot and cold, and to be terribly afraid of emotional intimacy.

 

The truth is - there ARE healthy ways of dealing with her past. But she has to be the one who decides, enough is enough - I need to get therapy.

 

I am a survivor of rape and childhood molestation, and even after several years in therapy and counseling, I still struggle with things - but I am able to have longterm relationships. There is hope. But ultimately, she is the one who has to seek help if there is anything to be done for her.

 

I feel for you. It is difficult to love someone who does not love themselves, who in fact may deeply despise parts of themselves and their past.

[carhill]

Its like they dont want someone who is nice and caring lol....

 

IMO, it's not "want", it's "worthy" as in they don't feel worthy of your love, due to their background and resultant self-image. The good news is, with time, work and support, they can beat the demons and live to love and have healthy relationships. Knowing you've helped someone a little further along that path, even if the relationship didn't work out, should be a real positive feeling for you. I know, it doesn't seem like that right now, but you'll look back someday and see what I mean.

[aln186]

Thanks for saying that Nora... I think I really needed to hear it.

 

There's a part of me that can't let go of things, especially when I've told someone "I love you and will never give up on you". I hate the thought of giving up but I guess it's time for me to do that.

 

I knew her issues early on and we talked about counseling but she didn't want to go through with it... she was afraid of letting her biological father know (he would be funding it) or she would make excuses that, "the school counselor was too busy"... you get the point. When I offered to cover all the costs, she just wouldn't have any of it... but then again, she rarely ever let me buy anything for her. She just wasn't ready to deal with it and may never be.

 

We went through a lot together and I watched her change into a very loving person that always had some difficulty expressing things. Although you could see she was trying.

 

I think in the long run, I forgot her underlying issues... I could only see a person I wanted a life with. And you guys are right... it doesn't matter how many times you tell someone how beautiful they are, if they don't love themselves they will never truly feel it.

 

I feel sorry for her... I can only hope the best for her and move on at this point. I just suffered through it so long it became "normal" to me I guess.

[themessenger]

Check this thread out http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t146764/

[aln186]

Check this thread out http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t146764/

 

 

I really don't want her back. Sure, there will always be a part of me that loves her and wants the good times we had but I can't go through anymore of what this relationship was for me.

 

There was a part of me that was trying to end it... the same part that slacked up on the communication and told her if she wanted to go... to go. I was tired of holding the reins.

 

For some reason I started feeling lonely and stopped listening to that part of me that said, "you deserve better than this". So no, I don't want her back. I just want her to get the counseling she needs and to enjoy her life as best she can.

[Mazza]

Wow this is similar to what happened with my LDR. We were great for a few months, but my girl had a lot of self issues and issues from her past relationships.. where I did eventually convince her and made her trust me, only till a short time later she wanted to quit.