shadowplay Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 (edited) One of my exes and I have been good friends since our breakup a few years ago (we were together for two). Recently I was talking with him online, when he suddenly ripped into me about the fact that I never let him have sex with me while we were together. In fact we tried to have sex (I was a virgin at the time), but my hymen was very thick so he was never able to break through. I probably would have let him bulldoze it down through the pain had I been more into him. It was the old 'loved but wasn't in love' with him story. He is still a virgin, and very resentful of the fact that I have gone on to have sex with other guys. He hasn't dated anyone since me, and still tells me he loves me. I want to stay friends with him, but I don't know what to say when he hounds me about why I never let him go all the way. Any suggestions? Edited March 12, 2008 by shadowplay
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 He is still a virgin, and very resentful of the fact that I have gone on to have sex with other guys. He hasn't dated anyone since me, and still tells me he loves me That's not your problem! He chose not to date others after you. Oh, since he's told you he still loves you, you two aren't platonic friends...Maybe you feel that way towards him, but he doesn't towards you. Why do you want to stay friends with him? Especially now knowing how he feels about you, and the fact he's jealous that you have had sex and he hasn't? What are you getting out of this friendship with your ex?
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Yeah, tell him to stop acting like a brat. I was an adult virgin for many years and never would talk to a current or former girlfriend like that. If he can't let go of it, distance yourself from him.
DanielMadr Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 If you really like him then do the best for him and both of you. Cut the wire. I know it can be hard for you...all the attention and safe harbour. But Im sure you can do that. Put yourself in his shoes. He still thinks there is a "hope" that he has a chance. His ego pushes him to fix the "failure" relationship. He squirms, doesnt date others and his bitching around signals he is on a verge of nervous breakdown. Cut the wire now.
Author shadowplay Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I've suggested before that it might be best if we weren't friends; he flipped out and accused me of not caring about him. Frankly, I worry about his mental state were I to stop talking to him. He's going through a tough patch at the moment. He is seeing a therapist every other week, but I don't know how much it's helping.
Kamille Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I've suggested before that it might be best if we weren't friends; he flipped out and accused me of not caring about him. Frankly, I worry about his mental state were I to stop talking to him. He's going through a tough patch at the moment. He is seeing a therapist every other week, but I don't know how much it's helping. But maybe keeping in contact with you, the one that got away, is what's kept him from moving on... But the resenting you for being a virgin? Bull****. He sounds like someone who avoids taking responsibility for himself.
DanielMadr Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I've suggested before that it might be best if we weren't friends; he flipped out and accused me of not caring about him. Frankly, I worry about his mental state were I to stop talking to him. He's going through a tough patch at the moment. He is seeing a therapist every other week, but I don't know how much it's helping. "Mom, you forgot to take me to zoo last year. So now you feel guilty about it so you will feel compelled to show me more affection from now on." It is probably the logic behind it. Side note: Ive read a book about how we project our childhood tacticts to adulthood relationships - basically that some are still little girls and boys. And in that book is written and I agree that reason for many problems young men have is they are unable to "leave" their mother. In some cultures they make it a ritual - when boy goes to puberty, men of village kidnap him, women weep (or pretend to) and he lives with men and dont go back. And ofcourse they give him some maturity tests like beat a shyt out of some other creature like bear or something. And I totally agree. So dont make the same "mistake" as his mother did. You cant help him...unless you will sleep with him.
NuTuDating Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Normally, this is where I'd say "Dump him now!" But since you're not actually dating him, that could be hard.... oh well Dump him now!
Kiss Dont Miss Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 There are some people we like dealing with, some we just should deal with due to our duties, some we just go on dealing with because it's a habit - the latest I'm sure about your ex and you. As for me you'd better explain to him how you are feeling, and what makes you uncomfortable. If he gets it, well done. If no, ... Yep cut the wire, don't color your life in the same grey hint he has colored his. Best of, Kiss dont Miss
AussieJack Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 One of my exes and I have been good friends since our breakup a few years ago ... I want to stay friends with him, but I don't know what to say when he hounds me about why I never let him go all the way. Here is some golden advice about ex's (this quote was written by RT ) "After you have dragged your trash to the curb, NEVER go rooting through it. You will get yourself all messy, the neighbors will see you, and you will rarely find what you are looking for ." Ok ?
Dirk Diggler Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 One of my exes and I have been good friends since our breakup a few years ago (we were together for two). Recently I was talking with him online, when he suddenly ripped into me about the fact that I never let him have sex with me while we were together. In fact we tried to have sex (I was a virgin at the time), but my hymen was very thick so he was never able to break through. I probably would have let him bulldoze it down through the pain had I been more into him. It was the old 'loved but wasn't in love' with him story. Your ex is ripping into you now because of his inability to rip into you then. The issue slowly compounding itself over many years has been just tearing away at him, and this bloody mess is the result of it. There is no hope for the past, and no quick solution. Although Turning him onto a certain song by the late Jim Morrison: "The gate is straight Deep and wide Break on through to the other side" May just inspire enough confidence to allow him to penetrate the walls that have bound him for so long.
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