atc2410 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 My ex ended our relationship almost 5 months ago. For the past 2 and a half months we have been NC bar a couple of very brief, polite, non-relationship email exchanges. We are on good terms. A couple of weeks ago I received a text containing news from her and asking questions about how I am. It was unexpected and out of the blue. I answered and we had a polite back and forth conversation that ended with her telling me to have fun. Two weeks on and I'm wondering if I should initiate something myself. Maybe she was reaching out? I'm still in love with her and am aware she still wields much power over my emotions. I know she would not mind hearing from me. My grandmother also passed away and I know she would care to hear that as she knew her although I wouldn't mention that in my initial contact. There is a familiar (typical) tug of war occurring within me. I know I should look forward and leave the past in the past but this girl is honestly the love of my life. Noone before or since has come close, much to my dismay. I say this knowing she hurt and rejected me. That said she is young and needed to experience life outside a relationship. Perhaps now she is a way down that path she's looking back herself. Apologies for what must be a very common set of circumstances. Any advice or encouragement from either side appreciated. At the moment I see either option ie: contact or no contact as being equally right or wrong.
heartoutside Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I"m going to give you the same reply (but no real answer) that you'll probably get from 10 other people on here. "I'm in the same boat!" Dated for 4 years, lived together for 3. She's 24, I'm 28. She's in college, I'm starting my own business. Were a week from getting engaged (although she doesn't know it!). We broke up about 8 months ago (she gave me the, we need space line), I went NC but she would constantly contact me. She finally broke down and sent me the email I had been waiting for but thought would never come, saying she made a horrible mistake, she cries every day etc etc. So around new years we got back together; for 2 weeks. And then it happened again, she flipped out and said she needed to be single. I'm telling you all this, because right now, I'm kind of in a worse situation then before we got back together. Before we got back together, I had just cut her out of my life. I was kind nearing the end of a long road of recovery. But now, now she's back in my life. And although I haven't contacted her in over a month, she will periodically contact me. And today, I'm missing her horribly! She was/is the love of my life, and there was not a thing wrong with our relationship (except some minor communication problems). And even though I haven't talked to her or seen her in well over a month, I'm really fighting over contacting her today! Right now, I'm really just putting my heart in the hands of faith. What will come of this will come. When she left, I always knew that she couldn't just leave "US" even though I had some people telling me that she had checked out. It's a hard boat to sail. Every situation is different as is every person. I can say, that I do think that the fact that I totally cut her out of my life last time around, helped open her eyes and see what she was missing. But, I know her better then she knows herself, so I kind of had a feeling that would happen. I didn't do it for that reason, I did it to move on. So I'm going to say it's up to you if you want to contact her or not. But just be ready to walk away if you have to.....
aln186 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I would say, contact her and see what's there. From there, you can go as slowly as you need to see what's really left of the relationship. When mine broke up with me, it wasn't so much a break up... we just stopped talking. I was going through a lot and I was away for my family and work. When I started to get my life back in order a couple of months later she had pretty much written me off. To this day she will not reply to e-mails, phone calls or anything. It's almost as if the person you loved and pledged your life to has died. I've asked to be friends, to open up lines of communication and to discuss what happened to us. We were both very much in love with each other. You have another opportunity I wish I had. Take it and see what's left... if there's nothing there, then move on. At least you never have to think back and regret not giving it one more chance.
Author atc2410 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 well I sent a msg enquiring after the news she mentioned when she contacted me and that I hoped all was well. Soon after I received an enthusiastic reply with lots of questions asking how I am, what I've been doing etc. She definitely wants contact however I will tread carefully and remain scarce to her.
Author atc2410 Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Thank you for the replies btw aln186 and heartoutside. We've texted back and forth a bit today. About three times each way. Again she asks questions and tells me news about her life. Any insights or experience regarding this behaviour appreciated, thank you.
bejshermanoaks Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 She sounds very interested to me man..good luck bro I hope it works out, this gives me hope...
LuCidiTy Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 can someone point me to the NC thing? something that explains it...the purpose...the philosophy behind it? is it a stage? a method? a process? i feel outta the loop here and asked in another topic (over in coping maybe?) but no replies....
City_girl Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 Don't do it, I did it and am heartbroken all over again. I saw him and of course the problems were still there/ It's over and we have to see that this is the truth. If they really really wanted us they would bang our door down, send great big green lights. If were getting little subtle hints they can take us or leave us and tho it hurts we have to see the plain fact. I had a man who I loved but he scared me as he was so keen. I sent him a note in a cab saying thanks but no thanks. Ten minutes after he got that note he was in my living room and throwing it at me. I know you love me and I am not going anywhere he said. Sadly he died but the point I am making is there was no ambiguety about what he wanted. Still I got caught up in looking for the smallest of emotional crumbs my ex threw my way. It's easy to do but stop contact, move on and find someone who validates you. It really shouldn't be this painful
Islander Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 Going through the same kind of thing at the moment. Just woundering what you actually said in your message. Ive spoken to my ex a few times every week since we split up and i think i just need to find out whats happening i guess. I know i sound vauge but please, the help could be useful.
Author atc2410 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Ok so we ended up meeting briefly after our catching up via text messages. I sincerely do not think there is romance in the offing at this time. There was affection in the way she looked and spoke to me and she was obviously happy to see me. Interesting feeling for me actually. The last time I saw her I was in total love with her. Still the case today but I could feel the distance between her today and the girl I was with 5 months ago. This detachment I felt is a positive thing. We chatted comfortably and we kissed and hugged hello and goodbye. She remarked it's good to see me happy. Islander to answer your question I responded to her asking how I was. Just told her I was well and busy and was heading out that weekend. She told me she was moving house so I asked how it was going. Just pleasent catch up stuff.
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Ah...but wait..you're still in total love but the detachment was a positive thing because it didn't hurt to see her?
Author atc2410 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 It didn't hurt to see her, no. I didn't think it would though. The detachment felt positive in that regard. I still feel my memory for our relationship strongly and I miss it however my meeting her helped place things into better perspective. I actually *felt* the girl I met just now is different to the one I was in love with during our relationship whereas previously I didn't (even though I knew she was, everyone was telling me she was etc.). I think it took me seeing her to feel that. Hard to quantify. I think it's just an indicator that I'm moving on. Still love her to death though.
Islander Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 How do you mean that it didnt hurt to see her? Im really not looking forward to seeing my ex because its going to bring everthing back.
Author atc2410 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 I mean on seeing her I was just comfortable to chat and catch up. It didn't set me back to do this and I finally feel like I'm letting go. I'm by no means completely over it but after seeing her I realise I'm getting there. And really regardless of what you want in the future whether that is to be to be friends, move on without her or get back together you have to let go of your previous romantic history. Not forget it, just not be emotionally hamstrung by it.
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