AllThatIAm Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I know this is yet another post about sexless marriages. After a massive argument about the subject with my SO he tells me he just is no interested in sex with me. He stopped enjoying it. Needless to say, there is a huge distance between us lately. I guess I am a bit resentful. I am only 28. I am too young to be stuck in a sexless marriage. It has nothing to do with weight. I am a british size ten. having two children has not changed that. Help anyone...Thanks
sedona Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 This is a very trying problem to have. You don't say very much here, so I'll start with the obvious. Could he have a medical problem which affects his desire? Is he taking any medication? Then you write that he doesn't want sex with you -- is he interested in or sleeping with somene else? Is it a problem of technique? Experimentation? Can the 2 of you talk openly about sex, or is it some sort of taboo subject? How long has this been going on? Have you spoken about it when the 2 of you are calm and rational rather than arguing? Are there other problems? Is no sex a symptom of wider issues? Is this a way for him to control you? And how important is this for you? You write that you're "a bit resentful." That's pretty mild. Sex and intimacy are incredibly important in most marriages, and this would be a dealbreaker for most people. No sex, maybe forever, is pretty impossible to live with. Depending of course on your feelings, the very survival of the marriage might be at stake. Does he realize this? Could couples counselling be an option? Sex is a wonderful way of opening yourself up to your partner. On the other hand, refusing to have sex can unfortunately be an incredibly effective and hurtful tool.
TechDude Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 he tells me he just is no interested in sex with me. He stopped enjoying it. ... I am only 28. I am too young to be stuck in a sexless marriage. It has nothing to do with weight. I am a british size ten. What gives? Are there no red blooded men left in this world? How about a partner swap? I have a wife here who would be thrilled by a man who is not interested in sex. <TechDude wanders off muttering, shaking head ..........>
smartgirl Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 You have to seriously consider that he may be having an affair. My H experienced a loss of sexual desire for me two times in our nearly 30-year marriage. The first time was an EA 20 years ago before we had kids. The second was when he got involved in a full-blown, year-long affair and after struggling for 6 months stopped even approaching me. Told me he didn't know what the problem was. Men don't just lose their desire for sex without a medical problem. They do lose their desire for sex with their SO, but it is usually precipitated by interest in another woman. You need to check credit card statements and cell phone records. It helps to have something other than suspicion when you ask him about it.
mysocalledlife Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Was his loss of interest sudden or was it gradual? Did the distance between you start to develop before or after he expressed dissatisfaction? Regardless, I think it is a good idea to consider whether there might be something going on outside the M. I find it odd that he would say that he doesn't enjoy sex with you anymore and that makes me suspicious. Men don't just lose their desire for sex without a medical problem. They do lose their desire for sex with their SO, but it is usually precipitated by interest in another woman. This is probably true quite often, but not necessarily always. It certainly wasn't true in my case.
carhill Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Welcome, OP. In MC, I related that, apparently in marked contrast to most men, I need emotional intimacy to feel sexual with a woman. My wife has been emotionally distant for a number of years (stress from my taking care of my ill mother mainly) and this has created a dynamic where I "forced" myself to feel sexual with her, not because she's unattractive (she's quite the opposite) but because I felt this great distance between us. Making love did not improve that chasm's width. It is still an issue. I wish I could explain better. Perhaps some of the women here can. At a certain point, I became emotionally open to other options and, subsequently, my emotions were directed elsewhere, towards an old (pre-dating my marriage) female friend. I think the poster(s) who mentioned interest in another woman is spot-on. It can be sexual (likely in many cases) or emotional (in my case). MC might be beneficial for you, if nothing else to clarify your issues. Hard to know what to do if one doesn't have a handle on the problem (lack of sex is just a symptom, IMO). Good luck!
Author AllThatIAm Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Hello Sedona,thanks for replying to the thread. This is a very trying problem to have. You don't say very much here, so I'll start with the obvious. Could he have a medical problem which affects his desire? Is he taking any medication? No he is not taking any medication. He just smokes a lot Then you write that he doesn't want sex with you -- is he interested in or sleeping with somene else? I have asked him several times but he claims he is no although he is attrcted to a woman at work. I am not sure. Is it a problem of technique? Experimentation? Can the 2 of you talk openly about sex, or is it some sort of taboo subject? It has become taboo at this point because according to him it makes him feel inadequate when we talk about it. He is not open to trying anything new. If i we have oral sex he enjoys it but feels dirty afterwards. I am more open to try new things and this is a bit too much for him. How long has this been going on? Have you spoken about it when the 2 of you are calm and rational rather than arguing? This has been going on for about six months we have had sex twice in six months. I need more than that i must asy. We have spoken about it when we were calm and that is when he told me it made him feel inadequate. He gets moody and angry after any talk about sex so I have stopped talking about it. Are there other problems? Is no sex a symptom of wider issues? Is this a way for him to control you? I will agree that my husband is a control freak. He chooses everything from breakfast to the colour of the carpet. He plays this game where he asks for my opinion and then rubbishes it all point after point. I feel stupid all the time but I know I am not.He threw me out of our bed fro coughing too much. He later apologized and said he did it cos all he could think was that he was not going to get any sleep and had to go to work the next day. It hurt me a lot so i sleep in the spare bedroom now. We have discussed this and I may go back to our bed sometime soon. And how important is this for you? You write that you're "a bit resentful." That's pretty mild. Sex and intimacy are incredibly important in most marriages, and this would be a dealbreaker for most people. No sex, maybe forever, is pretty impossible to live with. Depending of course on your feelings, the very survival of the marriage might be at stake. Does he realize this? Could couples counselling be an option? We talked about getting divorced last night. But we have two kids. Thats a big consideration. Sex is very important to me and I am not sure I can live like this. He however had a girlfriend for 7 years and their sex life waned. He compares me to her a lot. We are different people and her sexual needs are not the same as mine. Sex is a wonderful way of opening yourself up to your partner. On the other hand, refusing to have sex can unfortunately be an incredibly effective and hurtful tool Spot On. I am so so hurt!
Author AllThatIAm Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 You have to seriously consider that he may be having an affair. My H experienced a loss of sexual desire for me two times in our nearly 30-year marriage. The first time was an EA 20 years ago before we had kids. The second was when he got involved in a full-blown, year-long affair and after struggling for 6 months stopped even approaching me. Told me he didn't know what the problem was. Men don't just lose their desire for sex without a medical problem. They do lose their desire for sex with their SO, but it is usually precipitated by interest in another woman. You need to check credit card statements and cell phone records. It helps to have something other than suspicion when you ask him about it. I totally agree. I just have not got any proof.
Author AllThatIAm Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Was his loss of interest sudden or was it gradual? Did the distance between you start to develop before or after he expressed dissatisfaction? I would say it was gradual. I started with a months intervals then it grew to six weeks and six months ago we started the once in three months cycle. Regardless, I think it is a good idea to consider whether there might be something going on outside the M. I find it odd that he would say that he doesn't enjoy sex with you anymore and that makes me suspicious. . I have looked for suspicious emails and he did have an emotional affair eighteen months ago but he says thats over now.
Author AllThatIAm Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Thanks Carhill. Welcome, OP. In MC, I related that, apparently in marked contrast to most men, I need emotional intimacy to feel sexual with a woman. My wife has been emotionally distant for a number of years (stress from my taking care of my ill mother mainly) and this has created a dynamic where I "forced" myself to feel sexual with her, not because she's unattractive (she's quite the opposite) but because I felt this great distance between us. Making love did not improve that chasm's width. It is still an issue. I wish I could explain better. Perhaps some of the women here can. This maybe the case. We are both struggling with the kids at the moment and we just started a new bussiness together. It maybe the stress of all that. But we are both in the same situation so why am I still feeling sexual? MC might be beneficial for you, if nothing else to clarify your issues. Hard to know what to do if one doesn't have a handle on the problem (lack of sex is just a symptom, IMO). Good luck! Hope I can talk him into marriage counselling.
JamesM Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Rather than tackle the symptom (in this case) of a sexless marriage, I think it will be in both of your best interests to begin looking at every aspect of your marriage. It sounds like you have many issues that could contribute to a lack of sex. IMO marriage counseling will be your best solution at this point.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I have asked him several times but he claims he is no although he is attrcted to a woman at work. I am not sure. I would bet that this is only the tip of a very large iceberg, and the root to your problems.
Lookingforward Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 What gives? Are there no red blooded men left in this world? How about a partner swap? I have a wife here who would be thrilled by a man who is not interested in sex. <TechDude wanders off muttering, shaking head ..........> ROFL... yeah I know - seems to be a lot of mismatches around Personally I can't imagine being "with" someone physically and not having sex, even though while separated it didn't bother me overmuch, or the times like now when I'm alone.
curiousnycgirl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Sorry to jump in so late - but I went through the same thing with my b/f. We went from going at it like bunnies down to once every month or two and finally down to nothing. I actually stuck it out for 2 years before I said I can't take it anymore. It was simply the worst type of rejection to me. Made me feel inadequate and unattractive, etc. After 5 full days of NC I realized I had not given it my all - and reached out to him to find out if he would be willing to go into therapy. He did within a few weeks of that discussion. A few weeks later we started having sex again. In that time our relationship has dramatically repaired itseelf and our intimacy has grown significantly. It is still a bit troubling as we only have sex if I initiate (would nice to feel wanted) and that only happens about 1X a month - but at least now he doesn't reject me. Good luck!
Author AllThatIAm Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Sorry to jump in so late - but I went through the same thing with my b/f. We went from going at it like bunnies down to once every month or two and finally down to nothing. I actually stuck it out for 2 years before I said I can't take it anymore. It was simply the worst type of rejection to me. Made me feel inadequate and unattractive, etc. After 5 full days of NC I realized I had not given it my all - and reached out to him to find out if he would be willing to go into therapy. He did within a few weeks of that discussion. A few weeks later we started having sex again. In that time our relationship has dramatically repaired itseelf and our intimacy has grown significantly. It is still a bit troubling as we only have sex if I initiate (would nice to feel wanted) and that only happens about 1X a month - but at least now he doesn't reject me. Good luck! Many thanks curious. I have just booked a MC appointment for the 21st. I hope it works. I think we are both depressed and resentful at the moment and that maybe a problem. Thinking about it since this started, I have become less affectionate. It is not a way to hurt him. Maybe I am protecting myself. I want sex most of the time and all the hugging and kissing turns me on only to be rejected. I stopped cos the rejections were becoming too much, it was a way to preserve my self esteem i guess. It hasnt worked so well since my self esteem is in tatters anyway. I am glad he agreed to MC though.
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