My hubby had an affair and how can I trust him now

[Elilmomma]

My hubby had an affair about two months ago and now I foud out that the woman is going to his job looking for him. he told me that he told her it was over that he chose me over her and now she's telling his coworkers that she feels like he used her to get back at me. I found out that he called her he says to tell her that it was over and to leave him the alone and stop going to his job. I asked him to call her in front of me and he refused. It makes me think he's hiding something hubby says he doesn't want to give her reason to keep bothering him. He wants me to trust him but I can't he never even told me about her going to his job until after she called my house and I lied and told him I spoke to her. He says I have nothing to worry about now that he's never been happier than now but I am having doubts because he kept it from me and won't call her in front of me. I don't know what to think? Also the ow told one of his co-workers that she feels like he used her to get back at me , so she is a woman scorned and that's not good. now he says he never really told her it was over he just walked away. I called the other woman and she wont talk to me I feel like if you think you are woman enough to date a married man then you should deal with the wife when she finds out. cause we always find out. I want to tell her to leave my husband alone and to get a llife and go find a single man to stalk

Edited March 12, 2008 by Elilmomma

[harleygirl92156]

Well I would say if the OW told a coworker that he used her to get back at you, that would indicate that he did end the relationship, whether he told her it was over or just walked away doesn't really matter, as long as she got the message and it appears she did.

He didn't tell you because he handled it and didn't want to upset you more than you already are.

As for calling her in front of you, that would just keep the pot stirred and throw gas on the fire, so that is why he didn't want to do that. He just wants it to go away ( that according to what my husband said).

I was in your shoes a few years ago. I to didn't trust ANYTHING he said for a long time, but over time he proved he was being honest and has earned 99% of my trust back.

Time will tell, that is really the only advice I can give.

[Elilmomma]

If she really got the message then why is she still going to his job looking for him? Hubby says it was never that serious obviously it was for her and still 2 months later she won't leave him alone. No I don't believe anything he says right now he wants me to trust him how can I?

[Lookingforward]

If she really got the message then why is she still going to his job looking for him?

 

Because there are irrational people in the world and it looks like she's one of them? She got the message, she's just pixxed off about it.

[SimpleyMe]

Of course it is hard to trust him,he should understand that.

 

I was in the same situation a few months ago.

 

My H told the OW he did not want anything to do with her anymore,well rejection only made her come on stronger.

 

Even though i know my H wants nothing to do with this OW anymore,I of course have major trust issue's with him.

 

You and your H will need to work on these trust issue's.

 

IMO I think your H from now on needs to tell you everything,even if he feels it will get you angry.

 

If the ow continues to go to his job he needs to let you know,if she calls him he needs to let you know.

 

Hiding it from you just so you will not get angry IMO only makes it worse when you find out about it days or weeks later.

 

I hope things work out with your M

[Elilmomma]

Of course it is hard to trust him,he should understand that.

 

I was in the same situation a few months ago.

 

My H told the OW he did not want anything to do with her anymore,well rejection only made her come on stronger.

 

Even though i know my H wants nothing to do with this OW anymore,I of course have major trust issue's with him.

 

You and your H will need to work on these trust issue's.

 

IMO I think your H from now on needs to tell you everything,even if he feels it will get you angry.

 

If the ow continues to go to his job he needs to let you know,if she calls him he needs to let you know.

 

Hiding it from you just so you will not get angry IMO only makes it worse when you find out about it days or weeks later.

 

I hope things work out with your M

I asked him after I found out about the affair from the beginning if she comes to your job can you please tell me and he said he would but he didn't. I only found out he called her because she called my house. My hubby said he didn't tell me because he didn't want to argue about it again and that I should trust that it's over and I won. I have called her and she won't talk to me, if she wants to date married men then she should know that they don't always leave their wives for the other woman.

[twice_shy]

My hubby had an affair about two months ago and now I foud out that the woman is going to his job looking for him. he told me that he told her it was over that he chose me over her and now she's telling his coworkers that she feels like he used her to get back at me. I found out that he called her he says to tell her that it was over and to leave him the alone and stop going to his job. I asked him to call her in front of me and he refused. It makes me think he's hiding something hubby says he doesn't want to give her reason to keep bothering him. He wants me to trust him but I can't

 

And I'm afraid you never will. Even if you two try to work on the marriage and even if you forgive him, you will NEVER forget what he did to you.

 

Now here is the thing you need to ask yourself. Are you willing to settle for a life with a man that once in a great while you will look at him and see nothing but a cheater?

 

Because those feelings and visions in your head of what he did to you WILL pop into your head from time to time. Are you willing to settle for a life of wondering if he will ever do it again?

 

Others have their opinion, but it is my opinion that once a spouse has cheated, the marriage will never be that good ever again, not really, at least not for the betrayed spouse.

So I have to ask, have you thought about divorce? To me its the only way to be free from the pain that an affair has caused and the only way to deal with a cheater. Life is too short to live out the rest of your days with a cheater.

[SimpleyMe]

I agree you may never trust your H 100%.

 

Do you believe your H has ended the A with the OW ?

 

What has your H done to get your trust back?

 

My H hada EA and I am still angry and hurt over it,I feel are M is worth working out,which is why I chose to come back and not D.

 

Have you and your H talked about why he had the A ?

[Elilmomma]

I agree you may never trust your H 100%.

 

Do you believe your H has ended the A with the OW ?

 

What has your H done to get your trust back?

 

My H hada EA and I am still angry and hurt over it,I feel are M is worth working out,which is why I chose to come back and not D.

 

Have you and your H talked about why he had the A ?

Yes I do believe he ended the affair, and we also talked about why he had the affair. Honestly he is not really doing much to gain my trust back. He thinks I am jsut suppose to get over it and trust him like that, but it's not that easy. I am still hurting. now I just see him as a liar because he lied to me about he way he ended the affair and god knows what else he's lying about. I am just taking it one day at a time.

[Elilmomma]

My hubby just keeps telling me one lie after another I don't know what to believe first he says that he told the ow that it was over now he says he just walked away. He refuses to call her in front of me which makes me believe that he is still hiding something. I don't know if I 'll ever really get the truth out of him? I am not sure what to do either, I can not deal with this anymore it's just too painful.

[Tomcat33]

Look I don't mean to be a Debbie downer but how can you believe anything he tells you right now, especially since you say he is not even trying to win you over? He is the one who committed the crime now he has to repent. I don't think he told the OW what he has told you he said to her, he may have told her "we can't do this anymore" but men who cut off affairs in the early stages more often than not are not firm with closing the door on it, they manage to leave the door ajar enough to let the OW woman know "we have to cool it for now but I am not 100% saying we are done" you can read enough situations like that on this very forum, men WANT to do what is right but ultimately don't.

 

I'm sorry but I don't believe for a second he has been firm with the OW, and now I see in your last post he won't talk to her infront of you? HUGE red flag.

 

I don't know if you will ever be able to trust him again, but right now I can gurantee you, he is not worth trusting. His actions speak loudly.

 

It's all fine and dandy that he "wants you to trust him" but trust is a gift not a right. He has betrayed the right to this gift and he has NO BUSINESS demanding it back. You have to make him understand this and words will get you NOWHERE.

 

Proceed with extreme caution and DO NOT let your guard down. You may be in for more dissapointments.

 

If you want the truth out of him call his bluff, be prepared to walk and stick to your guns, tell him you have been thinking about things and this is not working out that you want to leave him because you are not on the same page anymore. You want and need his 100% you are better off alone than with someone who is half there. Go through with it leave or let him leave for a few months even. Watch him not only come to his senses, but watch the reality hit him in the face he will do what you want him to do out of his own free will, he will be forced to get his act together because he will realise your value, and won't want to lose you.

 

Things as they are are not going to get you anywhere and pleading and talking to him is not working, actions speak louder than words. He is too sure of you now and knows that he can continue on his merry way giving nothing and you will be there to absorb his crap. Show him who is in control of you and make him wake up or go away. If you continue like this you are in for a lot more pain.

 

I wish you strength it is not easy but you have to wake him up with a rude awakening. Reasoning is for those who can, he simply cannot.

[whichwayisup]

He needs to end the affair and be in complete no contact with the OW. If they work together, he needs to find another job. You both need to get to marriage counselling and learn how to communicate, fix the problems in the marriage, he needs to fix whatever it is that's broken inside of him and also BE a better man, a better husband and father. So far he's been a real jerk in everyway.

 

If you can work through the problems, if he is remorseful and wants to regain your love and trust again, then this could work. It takes a strong person to be forgiving, open and ready for the next few years to work through all the crap that infidelity brings along.

 

For your son's sake, if you try, then maybe it can work...If it doesn't, well, atleast YOU'LL you know tried your best.

 

Anyway, the ball is in your court, get some individual counselling to help you decide if he is worthy of another chance, if you want to save the marriage..Some can forgive and have a good marriage, some can't. It also depends on him and how willing he is to work hard and save the marriage.

 

Good luck and sorry for your pain.

[privyet]

Elilmomma: your situation sounds very much like mine was. My husband was being pursued by someone in his workplace - he always swore to me that he had no feelings for her, and also that he had told her he wasn't interested. I let myself be in denial for months. Then I discovered he took an overnight trip with her. We reconciled. Then I found a letter from her in his email declaring her love for him. It became quite obvious that he was enjoying the attention and did indeed have feelings for her, and had even led her to believe their might be a chance of a relationship between them. We were quite alienated from each other at the time, and he used that as the excuse ultimately.

After a lot of drama (I moved out for a week, threatened to leave for good unless he cut if off FOR REAL - and this meant going to her and telling her in no uncertain terms that he did not want a relationship with her and intended to stay with me and would have NO social contact)....he has been trying to atone, but boy, just like your situation - he is not patient with me. Now, 3 or 4 months later, he thinks the whole ordeal is "over" and I should be over it. I too asked him to tell me about whatever contact he has with her so that I don't have to worry about it (they are teaching a college course together), but he doesn't. Mostly to avoid confrontation and because "it's not a big deal." Which means he still doesn't understand how much it hurt, and how badly my trust was betrayed.

Don't let your husband treat you like this. This whole thing has been an eye-opener for me - not even in terms of this affair, but in terms of our marriage in general and the notion that I'm not treated as an equal. There are more issues in my case (my husband is truly a narcissist) causing me to rethink what I want and whether I'll stay.

Also: in the beginning, i was also FURIOUS with the woman for going after a married man. But I have come to realize that this was just as much HIS fault as hers. Focus on your husband - HE is doing something to lead that woman on. Because a woman who has truly been rejected isn't going to humiliate herself by continuing to go after him. I fell for that too. My husband had only gently rebuffed the other woman, not sending a clear message - his choice. It was HIS fault she felt there might be a chance for them. He owes you clarity, communication, transparency, honesty. If you don't feel like you're getting those things, there's a reason for it. Demand it. I hope you can save your marriage - I hate that I'm probably about to become another statistic. The trust will come with time, but he must work hard to earn it, otherwise it's almost impossible. Somehow you need to make him see that - ask for his empathy, and let him know it will take time. He owes you that much.

[Elilmomma]

Elilmomma: your situation sounds very much like mine was. My husband was being pursued by someone in his workplace - he always swore to me that he had no feelings for her, and also that he had told her he wasn't interested. I let myself be in denial for months. Then I discovered he took an overnight trip with her. We reconciled. Then I found a letter from her in his email declaring her love for him. It became quite obvious that he was enjoying the attention and did indeed have feelings for her, and had even led her to believe their might be a chance of a relationship between them. We were quite alienated from each other at the time, and he used that as the excuse ultimately.

After a lot of drama (I moved out for a week, threatened to leave for good unless he cut if off FOR REAL - and this meant going to her and telling her in no uncertain terms that he did not want a relationship with her and intended to stay with me and would have NO social contact)....he has been trying to atone, but boy, just like your situation - he is not patient with me. Now, 3 or 4 months later, he thinks the whole ordeal is "over" and I should be over it. I too asked him to tell me about whatever contact he has with her so that I don't have to worry about it (they are teaching a college course together), but he doesn't. Mostly to avoid confrontation and because "it's not a big deal." Which means he still doesn't understand how much it hurt, and how badly my trust was betrayed.

Don't let your husband treat you like this. This whole thing has been an eye-opener for me - not even in terms of this affair, but in terms of our marriage in general and the notion that I'm not treated as an equal. There are more issues in my case (my husband is truly a narcissist) causing me to rethink what I want and whether I'll stay.

Also: in the beginning, i was also FURIOUS with the woman for going after a married man. But I have come to realize that this was just as much HIS fault as hers. Focus on your husband - HE is doing something to lead that woman on. Because a woman who has truly been rejected isn't going to humiliate herself by continuing to go after him. I fell for that too. My husband had only gently rebuffed the other woman, not sending a clear message - his choice. It was HIS fault she felt there might be a chance for them. He owes you clarity, communication, transparency, honesty. If you don't feel like you're getting those things, there's a reason for it. Demand it. I hope you can save your marriage - I hate that I'm probably about to become another statistic. The trust will come with time, but he must work hard to earn it, otherwise it's almost impossible. Somehow you need to make him see that - ask for his empathy, and let him know it will take time. He owes you that much.

I am so sorry that you are in a similiar situation to mine it's very unfortunate and it sucks. I told her to leave my hubby alone and yes I do believe that he led her on which is his fault, but at the same time all I asked him to do is to call her in front of me and tell her to leave him alone he won't because he says he don't want to enitce her anymore or give her any reason to call again. Now Hubby says he regrets it too little too late. I am fighting really hard to save my marriage because unfortunately I still love him and we have 11 years and 2 beautiful girls together. I feel so bad for you and the situation that you are in right now I wish you the best of luck and hope that you can find some peace and happiness.

[Tomcat33]

I am fighting really hard to save my marriage because unfortunately I still love him and we have 11 years and 2 beautiful girls together. .

 

 

He deceived you and betrayed you, shouldn't HE be fighting really hard to save the marriage?

[Elilmomma]

He deceived you and betrayed you, shouldn't HE be fighting really hard to save the marriage?

Yes my hubby did me wrong and he's the one who has to make up for what he did but at the same time it takes two people to make a marriage or any relationship work.

[carhill]

I'll echo WWIS's suggestion of IC. Such will help you to clarify your perspective and work you need to do. Then, proceed. Will your husband accept MC? Have you asked?

[Tomcat33]

Yes my hubby did me wrong and he's the one who has to make up for what he did but at the same time it takes two people to make a marriage or any relationship work.

 

 

I understand that but you said yourself he is not trying and in fact expects you to "just get over it" so where is this "it takes two" that you speak of?

[Elilmomma]

He deceived you and betrayed you, shouldn't HE be fighting really hard to save the marriage?

My hubby did me wrong but at the same time it takes to people to make a marriage work.

[Tomcat33]

My hubby did me wrong but at the same time it takes to people to make a marriage work.

 

Why are you arguing this point with me? I get that. Either you don't understand what I am asking you or you don't want to understand it. Denial comes to mind.

 

my question is:

 

 

where is this "it takes two", when YOU yourself are telling us here that he continues to lie to you, he is not even trying that he expects you to just get over it.

 

According to what you are describing there is no "two people" trying to recover this marriage there is only one, ie. YOU.

 

 

This is what you say:

 

he is not really doing much to gain my trust back. He thinks I am jsut suppose to get over it and trust him like that, but it's not that easy. I am still hurting

 

This is what I say:

 

where is this "it takes two business" when there is only one person trying here and the one who should be trying harder simply isn't?

Edited March 15, 2008 by Tomcat33

[Elilmomma]

He deceived you and betrayed you, shouldn't HE be fighting really hard to save the marriage?

Yes my hubby did me wrong, but it takes two people to make a marriage work

[Tomcat33]

Yes my hubby did me wrong, but it takes two people to make a marriage work

 

 

Oooook then, you should try harder.

[Elilmomma]

I didn't mean to post the comment so many times it was my computer.. but I understand what you mean ... I am doing my part to make my marriage work.. he has to own up to his hopefully.... I do appreciate your advice

[sassy N sassy]

My hubby had an affair about two months ago and now I foud out that the woman is going to his job looking for him. he told me that he told her it was over that he chose me over her and now she's telling his coworkers that she feels like he used her to get back at me. I found out that he called her he says to tell her that it was over and to leave him the alone and stop going to his job. I asked him to call her in front of me and he refused. It makes me think he's hiding something hubby says he doesn't want to give her reason to keep bothering him. He wants me to trust him but I can't he never even told me about her going to his job until after she called my house and I lied and told him I spoke to her. He says I have nothing to worry about now that he's never been happier than now but I am having doubts because he kept it from me and won't call her in front of me. I don't know what to think? Also the ow told one of his co-workers that she feels like he used her to get back at me , so she is a woman scorned and that's not good. now he says he never really told her it was over he just walked away. I called the other woman and she wont talk to me I feel like if you think you are woman enough to date a married man then you should deal with the wife when she finds out. cause we always find out. I want to tell her to leave my husband alone and to get a llife and go find a single man to stalk

You will never be able to trust your husband once a cheater is all ways a cheater. You will make your self sick just wondering just what he is doing when he is not with you! If someone goes by your house and toots their car horn you will ask questions on that, when the phone rings and the other person wont answer! {See you talking too some one that nos ME!!!!!!!!}

[Princess10]

I just wrote a story about a situation in this section where I was the OW. I was involved with a married man who told me he was separated for 6 months. After a month of dating I found out he was lying. I called her and told her. He told me that he was having terrible problems and that he wanted to leave her for me and that when I finished college in a few months he was leaving when I moved back to my hometown. Anyway, about 3 weeks after I called her I sent him some pics via text message. She found them and called me and asked me why was I still calling him after he told me to stop. I let her know (while he was listening right next to her) that he did not ask me to stop but i will no longer send the pics. But that was only to cover for him. He called me 5 min later as soon as he left her and told me how I almost got him in trouble. We still talked. He calling me blocked and still saw me for another month until I let it go. I can understand the OW'S point of view although I would never go to her extreme or condone getting into a relationship with a married man but she has feelings for him now. Once you get sexually involved and begin to get emotions it is hard to let go. She may not mean you no harm but doesn't want to be left with a broken heart or she may just be crazy. Who knows what he could have possibly been telling her that strung her along and/or he still could be dealing with her and don't want to call her in front of you because she may tell more.