sadinsocal Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Well, this is my first time posting, and I can't believe I'm turning to a forum like this for support...but I don't know where else to turn since I've lost my best friend... My guy and I had been dating for a little over 2 years (by far my longest relationship ever). It wasn't always roses, but we loved each other very much. He was my best friend, and I his. We talked about marriage, we talked about starting a family together...We were both in it for the long haul. The problem was, I caught him going on to dating websites, doing google searches for where the sexy girls in his town live (he lives 40 miles away from me), etc. When I confronted him about it, he said he was just being "voyeuristic" and that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I told him that this was a deal breaker for me because if I stayed with a man knowing that he was out there looking for "the next best thing", then I'd have no one but myself to blame when I got cheated on. It was a major fight, and it was horrible. I left his house so angry, and he kept saying he didn't want "this" to be over, "come on, don't do this - you don't mean it" - all the heart wrenching things that really made me even more angry...I went back the next day, we talked about all of our problems, we talked about all the good times in the past 2 years, and then we decided it was over. We both cried a lot, we both said how much we love the other and how we can't imagine life without one another...He said "at very least, we need a break" and I told him I didn't want to take a break because I didn't want to hold on to false hope. A few days later, some of my friends talked me into posting a profile on match.com so I could get my mind off of my heartbreak for a little while. It worked for a minute, until my now ex-boyfriend showed up in my search. I was doing so well - I wasn't contacting him, I was waiting for him to make the moves to get in touch with me. We were being friendly and avoiding all the emotional "stuff" that we've both been going through...But one night, while I was alone and hurting, I started to freak out and wonder if he was already going on dates, so I figured out his password and looked at his match.com profile. A few days later, we were talking on IM and he made a few comments that made me think he had met someone special already (this was 2 weeks after the breakup - which would be this past Saturday), so I looked at his account again. Somehow he found out, and he called me on it...so I lied. I swore it wasn't me, I didn't do it, blah blah blah. He made it very clear that he wasn't going to believe me, and I felt so awful - the one thing that had been helping me make it through was that he was still my friend, and I went into panic mode at the thought of losing him completely. I decided to tell him the truth because I felt so horrible about the whole thing - especially for lying. I had never lied to him before... I sent him an email yesterday to explain everything and ask him to forgive me. I haven't heard back from him, and he has since removed me from all of his "friends" lists for any website that we are both a part of so that I can't contact him. I am so crushed right now. There have been things in our relationship that were so much bigger than this that he lied about, and I always forgave him and tried not to punish him or hold it over his head - I don't understand why he can't at least talk to me about this instead of giving me the silent treatment... I still love him so much, and I'm so heartbroken, this is killing me. In my head, I feel like I should be the one angry and mad over his actions that caused the breakup in the first place! I shouldn't be the one feeling all this guilt right now! That's so unfair! But I know he has every right to be mad at me - I screwed up big time, and I have to face the consequences for my own actions. I have been giving him his space since I sent the confession email, but this is seriously torture. I miss him more than I thought I would when I walked out, and I just don't know what to do ....please help. Any advice at this point would be appreciated.
smoochie Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Go completely NC. It will continue to hurt like hell but you will come out with your dignity intack. And that means alot. It happens, he will calm down soon enough. Just do the best you can trying to deal with this. You did nothing wrong, except the email thing, and that is understandable. Hang in there!!
thebelljar Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 It sounds like its as hard for him as it is for you. Probably he is using the email thing as an excuse to delete you from contact lists, but maybe its just his way of dealing with it? h from what you've said, I can only imagine he feels as bad as you do and after how close you were, keeping distance is the only way to deal with it right now. Did you talk about how you wanted things to be when you had you conversation (not the initial fight), whether you were hoping to stay friends, or whether that would be just too hard? I don't know honey, I wish I could be more helpful but you will have to find you own way I think. I think dating so soon may not be the way forward? You would just be comparing it to times with him and therefore feel worse, and don't be so sure than he's out there dating as well...its not a competition, no matter how hard it is to think of him with other people, its still going to be a long time for him to be doing anything other than trying to get over you (os so i suspect!) Chin up honey, tuck into ben and jerrys, give yourself a facial, watch your bestest happy film (bridget j maybe?!) xx
eagle5 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Defiinately stay NC for as long as it takes, that is a must. So it's been hard for both of you but you mustn't blame yourself for what you did, I think in times of desperation we all do things like that. He obviously was having second thoughts by looking around so maybe you saved yourself even more heartache down the line, imagine if you had got married and had kids, that would have been 1000 times worse even though it probably doesn't seem possible to hurt more than you do now. Keep strong in knowing the pain WILL ease, don't fight your feelings as they are part of the healing process, but know you will come out the other side of this feeling better.
Author sadinsocal Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I guess one other thing I forgot to mention is that we have 2 dogs together, one of which we raised from a puppy and I am SUPER attached to. They both live at his house because I don't have a yard, and they are both very much outdoor dogs. So if I go completely NC, that means giving up my "little girls" too... Did you talk about how you wanted things to be when you had you conversation (not the initial fight), whether you were hoping to stay friends, or whether that would be just too hard? No, we didn't really talk about it too much. We both said we knew it was going to be hard, and neither one of us could imagine life without the other, but we never said we were going to remain friends. I guess it was just sort of a given. Although, when he called me out on Saturday for looking at his online account, I told him I couldn't believe I was going to lose the friendship I was trying so hard to maintain over something so stupid. He told me not to put words in his mouth, that he didn't say he would not be friends with me, but he's really pissed off right now. He said he has too much invested into our "relationship" to not be my friend... But now, I just don't know. I thought by coming clean and being honest, he might be able to forgive me and understand how hard I'm actually taking this breakup, not completely pull away and sever all contact... I think dating so soon may not be the way forward? You would just be comparing it to times with him and therefore feel worse, and don't be so sure than he's out there dating as well...its not a competition, no matter how hard it is to think of him with other people, its still going to be a long time for him to be doing anything other than trying to get over you (os so i suspect!) Yes, I agree - I had a date set up for last night, and I canceld. I couldn't imagine trying to find the energy to have a "first-date-attitude", let alone trying to put on makeup and a decent outfit! How awful is that?! As for my ex, he went on 3 dates with 3 different women the weekend after we broke up, and this past Saturday he went out with another girl (and was asking me for advice on where he should take her!!!), and he said he has another date this Friday. I know men deal with emotions very differently than women, but still...!
Author sadinsocal Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Defiinately stay NC for as long as it takes, that is a must. This is the part I'm having the most trouble with...I want so badly to just talk to him and make things better. Even if he yelled at me, that would be better than this silence! It has made this whole breakup so much worse for me... So it's been hard for both of you but you mustn't blame yourself for what you did, I think in times of desperation we all do things like that. Thank you for reminding me of that...At moments I'm feeling like I must be crazy for doing such a stupid thing...that's not the type of person I am, and I'm so ashamed of myself! Which is why staying NC is so difficult for me - I just wish I could make it better somehow....
eagle5 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Thank you for reminding me of that...At moments I'm feeling like I must be crazy for doing such a stupid thing...that's not the type of person I am, and I'm so ashamed of myself! Which is why staying NC is so difficult for me - I just wish I could make it better somehow.... Please stay with NC, I know it's killing you but that's all the more reason to do it, if he does contact you and scream or shout at you it'll only hurt more in the long run, as soon as NC starts, the sooner you can start to recover - TRUST ME :-) Don't be ashamed of anything you did, just think of it this way - you were made to do those things, that isn't the real you! So be angry at him that he made you act that way.
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