underpants Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 We are so putting a fish in his car now... I hate to suggest this but maybe you need to read it. Looking back he may have started some sort of relationship with her while you two were 'broken up' but still dating. It would not suprize me to discover that his visits home included outings with this new girl. In his mind he may have compartmentilized the whole thing to reduce any emotional guilt or to let you in on the truth. All about him and his moments. Star, don't even think about comparing yourself to his new interest. She is just there and convienient. In a way I feel bad for her because he will most likely drop her when he moves again. They are in the same small town so that is most likely why he introduced her to his family. As you said, it seems disrespectful for him to continue contact with you whilst dating her. The whole situation just stinks (like a fish in a car...) Bullet dodged. He is just not relationship material. Too bad. This is not a reflection on you. You tried your best and that may have to be what you take away from this experience. ((hugs))
CaliGuy Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 SG, Through constant contact with him you are meeting his emotional needs while yours go completely unmet. That's not fair to you and very selfish of him. You are not healing and the pleasure of your company by him is causing YOU great pain. You need to exorcise this guy from your life completely. NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER.
Mustang Sally Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Ok. Is it just me, or does this guy have "Future Serial Cheater" written all over his sorry forehead? Yikes. Thank goodness you've seen his true colors SG, before you got into more commitment with him than you did. You are better than this. Keep your chin up. You'll find the right guy for you.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 Star, c'mon. If he were so committed to her, if she was The One, he wouldn't be flirting with you on the phone behind her back. The problem CLEARLY is with him - he does NOT want to commit. Sure, he's started a "relationship" - one that already has some pretty major lies built into it: 1. I'm sure she doesn't know about his racism; and 2. I'm sure she doesn't know he's been inappropriately talking with you. That's a guy who does NOT want to commit. He ended it with you because he was leaving town, and didn't have the stamina to be in a LDR or a LTR. Not because he suddenly found the love of his life. He didn't ditch you for her. If he moved again, I'm sure he'd end that relationship, too. He just isn't an emotionally giving person, and can't handle close emotional bonds that require anything of him. He's stunted. I bet you he'll fall in love with this girl and then NOT move away from HER. He was very protective of her when I was asking questions, he's already introduced her to his mother, has asked her father for permission to date her, etc. I wouldn't doubt if he had started something up with her when we were still very much together. As much as I do agree that he's likely to turn into a serial cheater or whatever (actually, I don't believe that), it still hurts. ...the ONLY thing you need to focus on - is that he isn't what you want. Nowhere near it. I am trying to believe this...really.
Kamille Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 (((Stargazer))) If only there was something to do or say to make you feel better. My best friend in high school used to make me laugh at times when I felt really down by saying: "I can't make it better but I can sing, do you want me to sing?"
Author Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 (((Stargazer))) If only there was something to do or say to make you feel better. My best friend in high school used to make me laugh at times when I felt really down by saying: "I can't make it better but I can sing, do you want me to sing?" Thanks, K. Why am I so upset? Honestly, I was doing soooooooooo good before yesterday!!!! AARRRRGH!
Kamille Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 Thanks, K. Why am I so upset? Honestly, I was doing soooooooooo good before yesterday!!!! AARRRRGH! Well that's pretty unsettling news. And maybe you're upset because now you have no choice but to let go of all hope. It only gets better from here.
ShoeGirl Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I was just thinking about you yesterday, wondering how you were doing. I have to say I agree with everyone else, you need to stop all contact with him and not think about it. If he left you for some stupid reason (even if it was for her) he is going to leave her for a stupid reason too. I'm sorry you are hurting but the sooner you stop obsessing over him the sooner you will start feeling better! I hope you are doing better than yesterday, one day at a time
sally4sara Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 How wasn't it about me? He's still an unemployed guy living with his mother, but he WANTS to be committed...just not to me. To someone else. The difference there is in the women. You're looking at this from the wrong perspective because you're emotionally involved. This IS about him. Of course he is seeing her; she is around and willing. Of course he got the parents blessing, it was required. But if you think he is taking it serious I'm willing to bet against it. He sounds like an opportunist. She is just the easiest opportunity gained by the least amount of effort right now.
trulysomething Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 You're looking at this from the wrong perspective because you're emotionally involved. This IS about him. Of course he is seeing her; she is around and willing. Of course he got the parents blessing, it was required. But if you think he is taking it serious I'm willing to bet against it. He sounds like an opportunist. She is just the easiest opportunity gained by the least amount of effort right now. This is SOOOO right on!!! (and also like MY ex... grrrrrrrrr) It is about him...it has nothing to do with you. This is the easy option for him...she's new and he can be the man he 'wants' to pretend to be and she will never know the wiser! (trust me on this one!) You only know what he is telling you...not what he is actually telling her. In the long run,wouldn't it be nicer to have a man who is honest, self-supporting and knows what he wants out of life? That guy IS out there.
Kamille Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I woke up with this thought: In the rosy picture you paint of their relationship, your forgetting one not so minor detail: He still keeps in contact with you and makes flirty, sexual innuendos with you. I know your reflex will be to rationnalize that away, but to me it's fairly obvious that he is being as non-committal to her as he was to you.
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 I wasn't so much thinking we were getting back together as much as I truly believed our breakup was all about HIS issues and HIS shortcomings and not my own. Calling all of what's wrong with this incurable frat boy "issues" is an overly diplomatic way of describing it. Must be the lawyer in you. He’s an idiot ... plain and simple. You’re just too close to the situation to see it. Jeesh ... just when you think you’ve heard enough to repulse you, it gets even worse. I feel more sorry for this other gal than I do you ‘cause she can’t see what’s coming (yet). Stop answering the phone, darnit!
Author Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2008 Author Posted March 13, 2008 I woke up with this thought: In the rosy picture you paint of their relationship, your forgetting one not so minor detail: He still keeps in contact with you and makes flirty, sexual innuendos with you. I know your reflex will be to rationnalize that away, but to me it's fairly obvious that he is being as non-committal to her as he was to you. No, he doesn't. That's the thing. He told me about his new relationship SO THAT the flirty, sexual innuendo would stop. Yes, he was doing that while they were casually dating/hanging out, but now that they are in a relationship, he doesn't want to do it anymore. See, he's not THAT bad.
TerryTeardrop Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 No, he doesn't. That's the thing. He told me about his new relationship SO THAT the flirty, sexual innuendo would stop. Yes, he was doing that while they were casually dating/hanging out, but now that they are in a relationship, he doesn't want to do it anymore. See, he's not THAT bad. YES he IS that bad! He is an idiot and you defending him, even when he has done this is worrying! You work as an attorney so you must have some sense in there, dig deep and find it and drop this so called man! He is using you for his own kicks and you are allowing him to.
Kamille Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 See, he's not THAT bad. How about how bad he is for stringing you along?
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I wasn't so much thinking we were getting back together as much as I truly believed our breakup was all about HIS issues and HIS shortcomings and not my own. Now I know otherwise. No you don't. It can still very well be all him. You simply overthought it and came up with another possibility. Sounds to me like your initial instinct was dead on.
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