Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 So despite my better judgment, I've maintained a lot of contact with the Ex. Daily contact, sometimes 2-3 times a day (first thing in the morning, mid-afternoon, and right before bed...just like couples do). We were sharing our days like nothing has changed, exchanged flirty/naughty messages and calls, helping and supporting one another. Although NC would have been better, I dealt with our breakup by trying to emotionally distance myself from him (focusing on his bad qualities) and starting to date other guys. I figured as much as it might drag my healing out, it would be easier to let my emotions for him fade rather than be cut-off completely. I also told myself, "He's not capable of a relationship, he doesn't want one, he's not in a place where he'd be a good BF, etc." (This was all based on what HE said, BTW. "Star, I need to focus on ME, what I am going to do, who I am going to be, without having to consider anyone else or involve anyone else in my life." I believed his "me" focus.) Also, keep in mind he's unemployed, living at home, and can/will move again to a completely new place (Florida, Chicago, D.C., or IRAQ) at any minute the moment a contract comes through. He's just not relationship material right now, for me or anyone else. I told myself it wasn't about ME, it was all about HIM. Today, I realized it WAS about me. And that sucks. Remember how I found him on Match? Well, a few days ago I noticed his profile had been taken down. I also noticed that our contact was starting to trail off, but he was still being very flirty/naughty. I began to wonder if he was seeing someone, as taking down his profile and slowing down the amount and substance of our contact would be consistent with him finding a new relationship. So I asked him about it, and he admitted that he's started a new relationship. It's been four weeks (I think?) since he officially broke up with me. He's been dating her for three. She's his personal trainer, the daughter of the doctor his mother (who's a nurse) works with. He started training with her as soon as he moved back home. The thought of a hot little female trainer with a hot body made me nervous, so I asked him jokingly if I had anything to worry about. His response? "F*CK NO!!!!" I was surprised by his visceral response. He explained to me that she's Asian - he said, "Dude, she's Asian, Star, so noooooo way." (BTW - one of his biggest flaws which I don't know HOW I was able to overlook is that, while he's never said anything totally blatant other than this, I do believe he's a racist bastard.) I said, "Since when can't Asian women be hot??" He said that he would never find an Asian girl attractive, and made a sort of noise that told me I had nothing to worry about. I've gone on thinking that if he was going to end up dating someone, it certainly wasn't going to be her. Well, they've hung out a lot apparently. Not just working out together, but hanging out, taking romantic walks with their dogs, and "god knows what else" (his words, you get the hint). He said his attraction for her grew, and he now can't help how he feels. Fine. But then why continue with the naughty calls/texts/sharing with me? Why continue to tell me he doesn't want a relationship, that he's not capable of one, etc.? Oh yeah, I get it now. He doesn't want one WITH ME. Thinking no woman in her right mind would intentionally invest in a relationship with a guy who's unemployed, living at home, broke, and about to move away, I asked him if she knew about his situation. Apparently she's completely aware of where he is in life. Also, some of you might recall that he didn't want me to meet his mother - gave me a lame story about not wanting to introduce another girl to his mother until he KNEW he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. Well, she knows his mother, and the two of them had to speak to their parents to get their "blessing" to date since their parents work together and they didn't want to create an awkward situation for them. Sounds pretty serious to me. Given how he described this new relationship, his interaction with me during the past few weeks has been HIGHLY inappropriate. Yet he still wants to be "friends." I'm just telling a story here. Feel free to yell, chastise, etc. I'm open to ALL of it.
Art_Critic Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 You have become the ex a guy keeps in contact with that another girl will have a problem with.. A back burner babe.. SG.. what is going on with you ? I'm amazed that you are still thinking you are together to getting back together ( I get that from your response to his dating ). There isn't any advice I can give you that you will follow.. You are following your heart..
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I'm guessing this is your wakeup call. I know how you feel. Sometimes you have to cut your losses.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 You have become the ex a guy keeps in contact with that another girl will have a problem with.. A back burner babe.. SG.. what is going on with you ? I'm amazed that you are still thinking you are together to getting back together ( I get that from your response to his dating ). There isn't any advice I can give you that you will follow.. You are following your heart.. I wasn't so much thinking we were getting back together as much as I truly believed our breakup was all about HIS issues and HIS shortcomings and not my own. Now I know otherwise.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I'm guessing this is your wakeup call. I know how you feel. Sometimes you have to cut your losses. I wish it were. I guess I'm waiting for someone here to ring the alarm in my freakin' face.
Ocean-Blue Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 This should give you the motivation to go NC cold turkey. You are no longer a priority for him (I seriously doubt you ever were). I don't understand why you keep giving this man the benefit of the doubt. Why do you make excuses for his behaviour? He does not deserve it. Continuing to speak to him after this point (especially flirting, etc) is tantamount to helping him cheat on his new gf.
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I wish it were. I guess I'm waiting for someone here to ring the alarm in my freakin' face. Star, he's dating someone else. Don't hang on. He's a lost cause and a prick to boot. Let him go.
Tony T Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 So he started seeing somebody a week after he broke up with you. Well, isn't that special...as the church lady would say. This guy is stringing you along, keeping you aboard as a spare tire. As much as you would prefer not to, you need to go into NC phase. That's the ONLY way you're going to move on. The very fact that you put up this thread is proof positive that you still care about this dude at some level. Conversely, he doesn't care about your feelings if he's not shooting straight with you. If he didn't think Asian women were hot, why would he start dating one this fast. I am so sorry you got involved with this guy.... he's a manipulator, a user, a charmer and a liar. Oh, you may not see this now...give it some time. I clicked the post button and notice two other people posted about the same time I did and said essentially the same thing. Must be something to what we have to tell you.
Art_Critic Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I wasn't so much thinking we were getting back together as much as I truly believed our breakup was all about HIS issues and HIS shortcomings and not my own. Now I know otherwise. the breakup was about him and his issues.. He is an unemployed guy living with his Mom who chooses to use people and he didn't want to be committed to you because of his own issues.. You dodged a big bullet.. you just can't see it yet.. but you will in time. SG.. this wasn't about you..
Author Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 the breakup was about him and his issues.. He is an unemployed guy living with his Mom who chooses to use people and he didn't want to be committed to you because of his own issues.. You dodged a big bullet.. you just can't see it yet.. but you will in time. SG.. this wasn't about you.. How wasn't it about me? He's still an unemployed guy living with his mother, but he WANTS to be committed...just not to me. To someone else. The difference there is in the women.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 This guy is stringing you along, keeping you aboard as a spare tire. He's not really - anymore, anyway. He basically told me so that our contact would now be limited because he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I told him I won't be contacting him, and he said okay. Who knows if he'll contact me or not. I'm not sure I understand the point for him anymore. I am so sorry you got involved with this guy.... he's a manipulator, a user, a charmer and a liar. Oh, you may not see this now...give it some time. THAT's what I need to hear. My therapist is out this week at a conference, so I'm really struggling with how to process this...
CaliGuy Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 SG, what does this guy have to do to prove to you he's a dirt bag? Paint it on a billboard? He's bad for you. Very bad. You: A fine catch. He: Should be thrown back in the ocean. Preferably the deepest part. Walk, no RUN away from this guy. Nothing you've ever told us about him is worthy of one iota of your time.
CaliGuy Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 How wasn't it about me? He's still an unemployed guy living with his mother, but he WANTS to be committed...just not to me. To someone else. The difference there is in the women. Has the thought ever occured to you that he's not your equal in any way and perhaps, just perhaps, that's intimidating enough to him that in the long run he knows it won't work out? Why? Because one day you'll wake up and see him for what he truly is. A LOSER
Citizen Erased Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Oh dear God Star, you are so much better then this. Ditch the lowlife once and for all. He has no job, lives with mummy, is slightly racist yet is able to get past his racism as long as the girl puts out. Real men are not such useless pricks.
Author Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 SG, what does this guy have to do to prove to you he's a dirt bag? Paint it on a billboard? He's bad for you. Very bad. You: A fine catch. He: Should be thrown back in the ocean. Preferably the deepest part. Walk, no RUN away from this guy. Nothing you've ever told us about him is worthy of one iota of your time. Has the thought ever occured to you that he's not your equal in any way and perhaps, just perhaps, that's intimidating enough to him that in the long run he knows it won't work out? Why? Because one day you'll wake up and see him for what he truly is. A LOSER I heart you, CG. I really, really heart you. Oh dear God Star, you are so much better then this. Ditch the lowlife once and for all. He has no job, lives with mummy, is slightly racist yet is able to get past his racism as long as the girl puts out. Real men are not such useless pricks. Yeah, she's not Asian-Asian. I found a picture of her. She's slightly exotic looking (as in looks about 1/8th Asian), but in any event she's GORGEOUS. So that was another lie.
Nevermind Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Yes, one lie after another. And there are more lies coming. SG, I read most of your posts and I really wonder what makes this guy so special that you cannot let go. You seem to be fun, smart, a great person to be around. You don't need the loser. And you know it. He is a liar, he is unemployed, lives with mommy, shows no responsibility, didn't tell you about his girlfriend for 3 weeks, lies to his girlfriend (do you think she knows he is a racist? highly doubt it). How come you think he wants to have a commitment with that girl? For all you know he could be using her to have sex. He made a racist remark about that girl. She is to be pitied not envied. He is playing you along all the time, sending you flirty messages while going out with another. His telling you he doesn't want a relationship? Means one thing: he wants to have sex. If possible with both of you. He simply uses you and her. She just doesn't see it yet. BTW getting the parent's consent is just appropriate, giving that he depends on mommy's salary. Forget that loser! I hear George Clooney is single again.
Lishy Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Star, I know you are not too fond of me but I am going to share something with you and you can take from it what you will I don't know if you remember my fk buddy guy? But I was a bit obsessed with him and the more I couldn't have him the more I wanted him - I dreamed about him, woke up thinking about him and cried over him Looking back I can say that I was so dumb, but I didnt see it at the time He didnt lie to me, he told me he didnt want a relationship with anyone. Anyway I ate myself up with that guy, I met other men and could not get FB out of my head at all. I met my boyfriend and DID forget about him. He then started dating (yes seriously dating) a girl about a year after I met my new guy and Star he has virtually moved in with her. Then last week he IMs me telling me how he cant stop thinking about me and asks to meet up with me!!!! What did I cry over? A guy who is willing to cheat on the girl that he has moved in with, a guy who wanted me to go to his house to have sex whilst his girlfriend was at work! I believe now that I had an angel looking down on me, if he had been willing I would have been with that lying cheating scumbag! I would have been cheated on without a doubt and it would have given me even more baggage to carry around You are in a similar position, this guy is not worth the steam from your pee! You want him more because you cant have him He is lying to you and stringing you along but YOU are letting him! YOU are choosing to allow this man to upset you time after time. How would that girl feel if she knew what a nasty, racist comment he made about her? You must feel like you just wasnt good enough for him but the truth is that he is not even close to being good enough for you. Ring the chump and tell him that you cant talk to him anymore as your ex came back and you are getting married! Get the man off your back and dont let him know he has broken your heart with this new girl. And dont bother envying her Star, pity her! She has bagged herself a LOSER with a capital L!!!!!!!!!
Sand&Water Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 RE: The power is in your hands. You choose to control your outcome from this situation. With that said, there are only 3 things I would like to address: (1) You are abusing yourself, Star Gazer. The more thought you put into this situation, the more you feel you deserve his love. Right? For how long will you continue to keep contact -or rather, associate yourself with him? When will you stop. I guarantee you, right now, he will continue to string you for a long time until you eventually become sick of his antics. (2) He is lost. Yes, a lost man searching for his "Home" away from home. And you know what? You are simply "Experiment #4" on his "To Do List" of adventures. Suppose you have a long-term relationship with him, will you be able to handle ALL his flamboyant mood swings, ALL his travels, ALL his hassles, and ALL empty-uncertain words of affection and love? Think about this question. Again, I guarantee, you will not. You are only looking at one detail, and missing out on the big picture. (3) I strongly recommend you continue talking with your therapist. You have to straighten this situation out, and that means, reaching a solid decision one way or another -better yet, an epiphany. Sand&Water
Author Star Gazer Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I cried myself to sleep and woke up hating him. The rollercoaster of emotions is back, just like it's breakup day.
sedona Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 He's not going to let you go. He's getting exactly what he wants from you. Use your anger to push him out of your life. You deserve so much better.
serial muse Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 How wasn't it about me? He's still an unemployed guy living with his mother, but he WANTS to be committed...just not to me. To someone else. The difference there is in the women. Star, c'mon. If he were so committed to her, if she was The One, he wouldn't be flirting with you on the phone behind her back. The problem CLEARLY is with him - he does NOT want to commit. Sure, he's started a "relationship" - one that already has some pretty major lies built into it: 1. I'm sure she doesn't know about his racism; and 2. I'm sure she doesn't know he's been inappropriately talking with you. That's a guy who does NOT want to commit. He ended it with you because he was leaving town, and didn't have the stamina to be in a LDR or a LTR. Not because he suddenly found the love of his life. He didn't ditch you for her. If he moved again, I'm sure he'd end that relationship, too. He just isn't an emotionally giving person, and can't handle close emotional bonds that require anything of him. He's stunted. But I think you do want genuine emotional closeness, from what I've read of your posts. So the only real point here - the ONLY thing you need to focus on - is that he isn't what you want. Nowhere near it.
Kamille Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 How wasn't it about me? He's still an unemployed guy living with his mother, but he WANTS to be committed...just not to me. To someone else. The difference there is in the women. Star, think back to your own relationship with this guy... You thought everything was wonderful after the first month, remember? This is what he does: he throws himself in for the easy part and then bails when the going gets tough. Plus, how honest is this guy with the trainer if he still has you on the back burner and still makes comments to you? He's a class act jerk. You are better off without him and he's her problem now. But of course this bothers you Star. You gave him so much of yourself. But you will never lose how beautiful and giving you are. He lost you. Well, he may not realize it yet since you're still keeping contact, but, hey, Star, he lost you.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 This guy has someone else and has told you this, but would still see you, sleep with you if you let him. He says he cares about this other girl so I would let him have her. If he was seeing her 1 week after you broke up he had her in the wings all the time. That "asian girls aren't hot" thing was him being full of it. These guys are climbing all over each other to be with hot asian women. If I were you I would change all my info so he couldn't ever contact me again. Get over him and get angry at yourself for not leaving this guy a long time ago. BTW, it never works when you try to remain friends with an ex when you still have romantic feelings for them. You just open yourself up to more pain.
Trialbyfire Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Star, you've read enough about the term gaslighting. It's what he did to you. He lied to avoid detection, like any other cheater. Nothing unusual about this. Now he's come clean with you but still keeps you on a string. Is this the kind of guy you want to remain invested in?
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Yet he still wants to be "friends." He likes you but he isn't inlove with you. Sadly, I am not sure he ever was...You were inlove with him and still are...=Cannot handle ANY type of friendship with him. Sucks that he's moved on and found someone else, but you two WERE and ARE broken up so realistically he didn't have to run it by you or discuss it with you...He didn't tell you because he knew you'd get upset. That isn't friendship....You also can't wish him well and want to see him happy with someone else (atleast not now) that's another sign to get him OUT of your life. Keeping intouch with him online and sending flirty or dirty TM's to eachother just feeds YOUR feelings and allows you to hang onto him in some sort of way...Like a drug. You're addicted now to how he makes you feel and the reality is, he isn't yours! It's a false hope and when you do or when he finally ends it, you'll be crushed....Even more so than you realize now....
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