Author Confused9 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 Thanks everyone. I just feel like my life is falling apart. My family is barely there. They are non existent. They are all in recovery or they are using. He blamed me for helping them through their issues. Now, I try to get them to help support me and they are no where to be found. My brother takes advantage of me financially and I don't know how to stop it. I try and put my foot down then every month he promises it will be different and it isn't. It's just so hard. I feel like no one really cares about me as a person. I do so much for others and they just continue to walk all over me. I know I need to stop the cycle and I try...but I can't. Obviously I am worhtless.
Gunny376 Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 Whoa! Your not worthless! No one is worthless! And I mean no one! You've got people out there everyday ~ putting their lives on the line for people they don't even know! To say your worthless? That's disrespecting every Airman, Solider, Marine, Sailor, Guardsman, Border Patrol Agent, Police Officer, Fireman that put it on the line everyday for you (or your county's equivalent) and they're willing to put their very life on the line for you and millions of others! When you say you're worthless ~ your saying their lives are worthless? When you say you're worthless? Your saying I wasted the best years of my youth and Life for nothing? I P****** away the best twenty years of my life? For nothing? There are people out there that would literally take a bullet for you ~ and they don't even know your name!
whichwayisup Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 You're not worthless! Don't say that about yourself, and don't think ANYTHING negative about who you are. You have a big heart and put others first, that's a good thing! I am alot like that, yet I've found that at times I do get taken advantage of as well, so you know what? I've learned to say NO once in a while. Took a while to get used to, but when you put yourself abit more, saying no isn't as hard as it once seemed to me. Try it!
Author Confused9 Posted March 26, 2008 Author Posted March 26, 2008 I didn't mean to offend you Gunny. I appreciate everything our men and women in the service do for us. That's not what I meant. Additionally, my house burnt down when I was 12 so I hold a very special place in my heart for firemen and policemen. that's a crazy way to look at it though (There are people out there that would literally take a bullet for you ~ and they don't even know your name!) What a thought that is...THAKN YOU for all you did. WW, I try to say no but it makes me feel so bad. I am completely co-dependent. It's a hard cycle to break. People just keep telling me that it's his loss and he is a bad person and this and that. All I keep thinking is if this drunken, cheating, lying person doesn't want to be with me...who will?
br0ken_w0lf Posted March 26, 2008 Posted March 26, 2008 All I keep thinking is if this drunken, cheating, lying person doesn't want to be with me...who will? Oh Confused!! Please don't think that way, that's a full 180 degrees away from the view you should have on it! Read your own description of this person and ask yourself why *you* would want to be with *him*! I suspect this guy knew you were too good for him (and I think everyone on here would agree that you are a VERY good person) and that had a lot to do with why he did what he did. The more time I spend on here, the more stories I read about where the cheater, after leaving or being left, treats their previous partner like crap afterwards. Why? Because deep down, they know what kind of person they really are, they don't like themselves, and they don't want others to either (my thought anyway). I'm sure someone (Gunny or WWIU) will be able to respond in a more articulate way than I can but, damn girl, you should be grateful that he exposed himself as the person he was now rather than much later when you'd had even more invested in him. Please try to get out of the mindset that you're not worth anything as a result of this - it's quite the opposite! Take care...
PWSX3 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 I'm sorry but I didn't want to go back & read everything but I was wondering; do you work out at all? I know there are others that can explain it better then I can, but there is something about working that really helps. Maybe it is because it kicks your arse in a good way but when you are done you do feel better. It would help take your mind off the scumbag, it would make you feel better, & you could make some new friends. Just a thought.
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 WW, I try to say no but it makes me feel so bad. I am completely co-dependent. It's a hard cycle to break. I understand that, and trust me, for a while you'll feel guilty and people might be taken back that you actually said no. The thing is, those who bail on you after you say no, are NOT your true friends. They've gotten used to you "being there" whenever THEY need you. It's expected of you. The thing is, those friends that you help out and don't say no to are taking advantage of you because when the chips are down, are they there for you? Once you say no afew times and learn NOT to care how they react or what they think, you'll feel quite enlightened by putting your needs first more often. I'm a giver and I will go out of my way and go beyond the call of duty for ANY of my friends and family. They all know that...The thing is, they respect me when I say no now. They aren't shocked or disappointed, they understand. I am sorry that your family isn't supportive of you. They should be. People just keep telling me that it's his loss and he is a bad person and this and that. All I keep thinking is if this drunken, cheating, lying person doesn't want to be with me...who will? It is his loss. He isn't a bad person, he's just made some bad choices which took him on the wrong path. The way he's treated you is bad, the way he ended things with you is disrespectful - He's selfish and an assclown! Your part I bolded: A man who will adore you, respect you, love you and treat you the way you deserve. Your lying, cheating and cruel hearted EX doesn't deserve you! I know right now you can't even think of being with another man, let alone believing another man will fall for you...We've all been there and we've all gone on to find new loves that are even better and more special than the previous.
Gunny376 Posted March 27, 2008 Posted March 27, 2008 You didn't offend me! You'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to offend me? But, I was trying to get you to see that there are plenty of people in this world that care about you and they don't even know you name? And you've got it all wrong? Somehow you got it in your head that this low down, piece of crap ~ lying dirtbag is the best that you can do? And, its not! Indeed, the primary reason he bailed on you ~ was he knew he didn't deserve you and what you had to offer ~ and brought to the table? He knew he didn't deserve someone such as yourself! He knew he was a lying, cheating, drunk! He had a real clear pretty picture in his head of who and what he was and is! You can run and hide, and you can lie to all of the rest of the world ~ but you can't run and hide and lie to yourself! That's a fact! You can drink yourself blind? And your still going to wake up the '@sshat that you were before you got drunk? You can get on the fastest plane in the world, and fly to Bangkok? And when you get off ~ your still going to be the azz-clown you were before you left? You can't run from yourself? What's going to happen to you? You going to one day meet someone like my buddy Mike. He's retired Navy and works where I work. He's married to about one of the most caring, loving, nuturing, women I've ever meet? She wouldn't hurt a fly? Christen, God-loving? I would be surprised if the word "damn" ever crossed her lips during her entire life? She's always "up" smiling, and happy! She worked part-time at the local "ChinaMart, I mean WalMart, even though she didn't have to ~ just wanted to get out of the house. One of the managers made her cry? Well it wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun! You'd just about as soon try and shave a Bobcat with a rusty razor and give him a bath in alcohol! Go find yourself a Mike! There out here?
Author Confused9 Posted March 27, 2008 Author Posted March 27, 2008 Thank you everyone for your replies. I just feel like if I deserved better wouldn't I find it? Wouldn't he see it in me? Why would he lie for so long and pretend that he really loved me when he didn't? Why does she get to be with him and be happy. Why is someone else telling my x fiance they love him already? It's just so hard. I feel like I am having some karma filled backlash and I don't know why I deserve it. I know I need to drop this poor me attitude but for some reason I am still 'the victim' I know I need to change from a victim to a survivor. I know I do. I just really loved this man and I am shocked to the core about how much he has done to hurt me. Falling in love with someone else is one thing, but treting me like sh*t that was uncalled for. I was not the cheater. I was not the one walking out on all that $$...I shouldn't have been tossing the insults...not the other way around. You are all so kind. Thank you so much for lifting my spritis. I am off to find my 'Mike' hahahaha.
Author Confused9 Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 [sIZE=2]How perfect is this song? I got the call today I didn’t wanna hear But I knew that it would be come. An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone. She said you’d found someone. And I thought of all the bad luck. And the struggles we went through. And how I lost me and you lost you. What are these voices outside love’s open door make us throw off our contentment and beg something more? I’m learning to live without you now. But I miss you sometimes. And the more I know The less I understand All the things I thought I knew I’m learning again. I’ve been tryin’ to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it’s about Forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if You don’t love me anymore These times are so uncertain There’s a yearning undefined And the people filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such graceless age? The trust and self-assurance That lead to happiness They’re the very things We kill, I guess Pride and competition Cannot fill these empty arms And the work I put between us You know, it doesn’t keep me warm I’m learning to live without you now. But I miss you, baby. And the more I know, The less I understand All the things I thought I’d figured out I have to learn again. I’ve been trying’ to get down To the heart of the matter But everything changes And my friends seem to scatter But I think it’s about Forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if You don’t love me anymore There are people in your life Who’ve come and gone They let you down You know they hurt your pride You better put it all behind you, baby ‘Cause life goes on You keep carryin’ that anger It’ll eat you up inside, baby I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it’s about Forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if You don’t love me anymore I’ve been trying to get down To the heart of the matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So I’m thinkin’ about Forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if You don’t love me anymore [/sIZE]
daisygirl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 All I keep thinking is if this drunken, cheating, lying person doesn't want to be with me...who will? He doesn't want you because he doesn't DESERVE you. You're going to find someone who is wonderful and treats you the way you deserve. In the meantime, believe what everyone says....it's his loss, and you're much better off without him. I know it's easier said than done, though. ((hugs to you:))) I'm sorry but I didn't want to go back & read everything but I was wondering; do you work out at all? I know there are others that can explain it better then I can, but there is something about working that really helps. Maybe it is because it kicks your arse in a good way but when you are done you do feel better. It would help take your mind off the scumbag, it would make you feel better, & you could make some new friends. Just a thought. YES! working out is great to relieve stress, get rid of anger (take it out on the elliptical - lol), build self-esteem, and reduce depression. Usually the hardest part is getting motivated to go to the gym, but once you're there, it's so worth it. I always feel so much better after a good workout.
daisygirl Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 (edited) Here are some other song lyrics for you: Gloria Gaynor - "I Will Survive"....I know, I know, cliche, right? But it's a great song - LOL: First I was afraid I was petrified Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side But I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong I grew strong I learned how to carry on and so you're back from outer space I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face I should have changed my stupid lock I should have made you leave your key If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me Go on now go walk out the door just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye you think I'd crumble you think I'd lay down and die Oh no, not I I will survive as long as i know how to love I know I will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I'll survive I will survive It took all the strength I had not to fall apart kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart and I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself I used to cry Now I hold my head up high and you see me somebody new I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you and so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me Edited March 29, 2008 by daisygirl
Gunny376 Posted March 29, 2008 Posted March 29, 2008 I was thinking of you tonight at work C9, and it came to me that you might want to dig out the YellowPages and call around and see if you can't find a "divorce recovery" group? A lot of churches sponser these ~ kind of like LS up close and personal? An AA meeting for the newly seperated and divorce. Costs nothing ~ just have to show up. And again? You might have to shop around to find the right group? Quit listening to those damned songs! Listening to that Crap is sometimes just enough to drive you over the edge! I got divorced over 18 years ago and its only been the last two years that I've gotten back to listening to Country Music! I love all kinds of music ~ as long as its good music and make's sense to me? But when I was going through "Tha Big D" I just couldn't handle George Jones nor Vince Gill! I played a lot of "Sports Music" the kind that they play at the games! Everything I listened to was "up-beat" and motivating! First thing I did each morning was to put on something that was motivating and invigorating! You've got to re-create your enviornment? The bedroom is good for one thing and one thing only! Sleep! Black out the windows with black cloth, tin foil if need be? Get a sleep machine that creates the sound of rain, the ocean, a breaking mellow brook? Invest in some good comforters and pillows, and down mattress covers? Get a "body-pillow" and snuggle up to it! Get all "um-um-um! If your having trouble getting to sleep? Go Ye to WalMart and in the Vitamin and Herbal section look for some Melotnin. Its the natuarl substantence your body creates to regulate your sleep pattern? Your biological clock so to speak. Airline pilots that fly the "red-eye" coast to coast use it. Its over the counter, non-addictive, it comes in 3 mmg (micromilligrams) 3 milligrams, and five milligrams. I take one ~ five milligram when I get home from work? As a woman a 3 milligram would probally work for you? About twenty minutes after taking it? You'll start to yawn? Your eyes will get sleepy and water? You'll be ready for bed! It quites my thoughts and worries. I get a good restful night's sleep with it! It doesn't knock you out! Any light penetrating your eyelids will wake you up ~ but too high a dosage will make your droggey ~ not drunk ~ but as if coming out of a deep sleep?
Author Confused9 Posted March 29, 2008 Author Posted March 29, 2008 Thank you to you both. Daisy, I believe he sincerly thinks he made out in this. He thinks I am a devil. He thinks I am the bad one. HE thinks she is the best. Too bad he hasn't known her very long. I mean...how does he really know. I have 100% relapsed and continue looking at his myspace again. UGH! I really need to stop doing that. Thank you for the kind words. I hope one day I can see what I am worth. He just made me feel worthless and the fact that he hasn't tried to apologize or make right makes me very sad. (by make it right I mean pay me back the money he owes me and tell me he acted like an ass, etc.) Gunny, I will check that out. Not sure if we have that kind of thing around here...but if we do I will look for it. I really am not doing as well as I should be. I really need to move on. I just don't know how. I am so stuck n what he did. I will try that pill too. I need my sleep!!!!!! YOu are all amazing!!! Thank you.
Author Confused9 Posted March 31, 2008 Author Posted March 31, 2008 ok. so I tried that sleeping pill Gunny. It did put me to sleep but it was a strange sleep. I was up then down then up then down. It was weird. I was in and out of sleep. I will try again tonight. Hopefully this will help me. I also have been working out - or at least trying to. So hopefully that will work in helping release some happyness in to my life. On top of that I waitress 3 nights a week so I am really busy. Trying to stay VERY busy and stop waiting. It's like what am I waiting for?
Gunny376 Posted March 31, 2008 Posted March 31, 2008 Melatonin is the natural substance that our bodies natur(ally creates to regulate our biological clock/ sleep patterns. However, as we age? Our bodies produces less of it? As I said, it comes in 5mg, 3mg, and 3mmg (mg = miilgrams, mmg = micromilligrams). You'll have to use a combination of them to find the right dosage (Perhaps one-three mg and 2 mmg? etc) One of the things that interupts it, is any kind of light, even if your eyes are closed, (light still penetrates through closed eyelids) w hich possiblly explains why you were up and down. So you might want to completly "black out" your bedroom from any sources of light? Some other side benefits? I found that it quites my thoughts and worries so that you can sleep? It also has been suggested that it prevents tumors from developing? (In a recent study, there's supposely a link between cancer and consistently working the "graveyard" shift. Of course getting very physically active helps. I never had a problem sleeping until I retired from the Marine Corps and slowed down in my physical activity. I still PT'd (Physical Training) but I slowed down from an sixty-seventy hour week to a forty hour week?
Author Confused9 Posted April 1, 2008 Author Posted April 1, 2008 I took it again last night and I think it worked. haha. I am just glad to have more than 5 hours of sleep under my belt. I appreciate the tip...hopefully this is just what I have been looking for. As for the ex...I miss him but I am doing okay. He's an @sshole.
whichwayisup Posted April 1, 2008 Posted April 1, 2008 Do some yoga, take a hot bath..Drink some warm milk before bed. Yes, he's an a-hole. Keep saying that. You have no use for an a-hole in your life..Well, you do, but it belongs to you..lol
Author Confused9 Posted April 2, 2008 Author Posted April 2, 2008 I'm so stupid. I just looked on myspace again and found info I didn't want to find. They are getting married June 7th and the baby is due October 27th (10 days after what was to be our wedding date.) He told me she was preggo in November and then in January he told me they lost the baby. But if she is due in October she must have gotten preggo in January so that doesn't make sense? I thought she got pregnant right away and that was why he left so fast and was so mean...now it seems that isn't true so he really left because he loved her more. He left because he found a soulmate which means he is really truly happy with his decision. He left me FOR her. He wants to be with her more than me. He is happier with her. That is awful for me to know. I really thought I was making progress. This is such a step backwards. Part of me believed he left because he had too not because he wanted to. I mean...why else all the anger? Why be so mean? Perhaps that was wrong and he really hates me and thinks I am the worst thing that happened to him like he said.
sumdude Posted April 2, 2008 Posted April 2, 2008 (edited) I'm so stupid. I just looked on myspace again and found info I didn't want to find. They are getting married June 7th and the baby is due October 27th (10 days after what was to be our wedding date.) He told me she was preggo in November and then in January he told me they lost the baby. But if she is due in October she must have gotten preggo in January so that doesn't make sense? I thought she got pregnant right away and that was why he left so fast and was so mean...now it seems that isn't true so he really left because he loved her more. He left because he found a soulmate which means he is really truly happy with his decision. He left me FOR her. He wants to be with her more than me. He is happier with her. That is awful for me to know. I really thought I was making progress. This is such a step backwards. Part of me believed he left because he had too not because he wanted to. I mean...why else all the anger? Why be so mean? Perhaps that was wrong and he really hates me and thinks I am the worst thing that happened to him like he said. C9... it's so hard not to want to know... what they're doing. Why they're doing it. Why this... why that... As far as the anger from him... he had to blame someone for everything so he could feel justified in the way he has treated and completely disrespected you. IOW he's angry because he's guilty... he dumps it all on you so that his actions are justifiable in his own mind. And if you start to believe it all... then he's satisfied because look.. now you agree with him.. so he must be right. Does that make any sense? It's very common in divorces especially involving an affair. Man oh man when I think of all the things I was blamed for... how she took aim at my very self esteem.. so she could move on in peace feeling good about herself... ouch... and :mad: Edited April 2, 2008 by sumdude
Author Confused9 Posted April 3, 2008 Author Posted April 3, 2008 I know, but why be mean? It just hurts me so bad to think he has no respect or love for me anymore. After everything we went through. It kills me that he gets to live 'happily ever after'. Why should he be so lucky!!!??
OldEurope Posted April 3, 2008 Posted April 3, 2008 Dear Confused9, Do not get angry. Get better. And better. Turn your looks and your life into something wonderful and go forth and conquer. You are wasting time--precious hours, minutes, months--you will never get back through useless pining. I know, we here know, it is difficult. But it must be done. And you know perfectly well that your ex will respect you, perhaps even miss you more, should he get the feeling or vibe somewhere somehow that you are doing quite well, thank you very much. That aside, you should not much care. You have to just pull yourself together and fly far and away beyond all this. Drop the myspace and facebook and youtube and gizmowhatever and go get fresh air! (I will never understand "social networking sites" but that is just moi. ) You are the author of your own life, and if you want a happy-ever-after, get out there and script it. xo OE
Author Confused9 Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 I love that saying at the end OE...LOVE IT. I am trying to do it. I really am. I know I need to let go.
PWSX3 Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I was thinking of something our mc told me. Put a rubber band on your wrist & every time you want to look at that my space or whatever it is called, snap the crap out of that rubber band. Just keep finding things to do to keep yourself busy & things that help improve you. Today I went for a 65 mile bike ride, if that won't keep your mind of other things I don't know what would.
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I know, but why be mean? It just hurts me so bad to think he has no respect or love for me anymore. After everything we went through. Because he is an A-HOLE! It kills me that he gets to live 'happily ever after'. Why should he be so lucky!!!?? You don't know that and he may not be as lucky as you think. But I tell ya, YOU have control over your own happily ever after, when you feel ready.
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