john30 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 ..how could a person change so quickly from love to complete indifference, and what happened to the person we loved for so long? That is a very good question! and one which I hoped my wayward wife would have the b***s to answer (no such luck). Stay strong C9, sounds like your making progress to me. John.
Gunny376 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Trying to find the answer to that ~ is like looking for "Fool's Gold!" All I ever got out of the X was: "I had to change" (Without any definitive guidence, suggestions, hints, zilch, nadda, nothing!) Just that I had to change? And that I was a work-aholic?
Author Confused9 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 You guys are great. Thank you VERY MUCH!!!! I have no idea how a person can change so fast and act as if we don't matter...but as Gunny said we'll never understand. It's sad, but it's our reality and it's our decision whether or not we let them break us. So...I sit here before my LS friends and say...ARE WE REALLY GOING TO LET OUR WAYWARD SPOUSES BREAK US?!?!?! Is that what we want out of life? To have someone who had no disregard for our hearts get the best of us? H*lls NO!!!!! We owe it to ourselves to make the best of this time and then once the good times start rolling in (which they will) we can shine and feel great and be happy. We need to make ourselves whole again. We need to glue back all those millions of little pieces that our hearts have been mangled to. I would much rather glue my heart back together than glue back my relationship with the ex hex! Everyone else here agree?!?!?! Monday is going to be tough. It will be hard from me not to look since I know I will be curious if he somehow posts a sign. What if I miss it? What does that mean for us? That's what I will be thinking. But, even if he posted 'Dear XX XX, I love you more than life itself and made a big mistake...blah blah.' What good would that do? He would still have caused all this pain. He would have still left me. He would have still cheated. He would have still chosen her. He would still be having a baby. Even if he gets up at that alter or wherever he is marrying her and states in front of the whole audience this is a mistake I should be with XX. It still wouldn't matter because the damage is done. He can't fix it. I can though! So eff him! EFF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 So eff him! EFF HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! Keep on saying this. Eff him is right!!
Author Confused9 Posted March 20, 2008 Author Posted March 20, 2008 I was feeling so strong...now I feel all sad and want to look so bad. I have to work tonight right after I get out of my day job so I know I won't be able to at least until later. I miss him. Why did he do this. Why did he CHOSE her over me? Why does she get to marry him? My love? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
paladin1 Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Monday is going to be tough. It will be hard from me not to look since I know I will be curious if he somehow posts a sign. What if I miss it? What does that mean for us? That's what I will be thinking. But, even if he posted 'Dear XX XX, I love you more than life itself and made a big mistake...blah blah.' What good would that do? He would still have caused all this pain. He would have still left me. He would have still cheated. He would have still chosen her. He would still be having a baby. Even if he gets up at that alter or wherever he is marrying her and states in front of the whole audience this is a mistake I should be with XX. It still wouldn't matter because the damage is done. He can't fix it. I can though! So eff him! And that's exactly what we have to get through our heads a day at a time. I miss what we had together...God I miss it. People we didn't even know told us we were perfect together and it was obvious how happy we made each other. That person is gone now. I mourn for the past, for what she was, every day...but there is no way either of us can go back to that now knowing what they are and what they have done. There is no way either of us could look at them or the relationship in the same way ever again even if he DID do what you say above C9. We know this...and it sucks. Keep the faith; keep the promise; don't look. Mourn your loss, but realize that you don't mourn the loss of him. He is not that person anymore. Your sadness comes due to mourning what you had; what I had; the feeling of a complete connection with another human being who, at one time, shone like the sun. Even stars fade, however, and any attempt at a reconnection after what our respective ex's did would be a sham, a fake, and a bastardization of what we had before. I won't do that to the memory of the woman I once knew. I believe firmly that we both will have that connection again someday...both of us...
Author Confused9 Posted March 21, 2008 Author Posted March 21, 2008 HAve you looked? I haven't but I want to so bad. SO SO bad. I wonder what it says? Has he changed it...has she? AHHHHHHHHHHHH! This blows. I need to go tie myself to the bed so I won't look. HAHA
whichwayisup Posted March 21, 2008 Posted March 21, 2008 Don't look! You can do it! Don't look. You're doing GREAT Confused! You're breaking a bad habit and having withdrawal, that's all...Keep posting and if that isn't helping, definately turn off the computer, take a hot bath or shower, watch some TV..
Author Confused9 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Ok everyone. Back to square one...After being strong all weekend long. I looked...this morning. I knew I was going to. I am so stupid. I did so well. I had 8 days. I am thinking about him bad today. Thinking if he is thinking of me. Wondering what he is doing. Does he even knowe what today is? Yesterday was Easter so that was hard to. I need to be strong. This is it. Today I will allow myself to be sort of unhappy. But, I will not continue this after today. This is it. He's gone. Our anniversary is over. I just have to get through 10.17.08 which would have been our wedding date but I am sure that by then I will be must stronger. Don't be mad at me...I had a weak moment.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I'm not mad at you, silly! And neither is anyone else...It's okay...You did really well for 8 days and these last few days have been really rough on you. So you caved, big deal. Start fresh tomorrow and take it one day at a time.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 EXACTLY THAT! You had a "WEAK" MOMENT! None of us didn't say you wouldn't? You're alloted to feel sorry for yourself, to have a pity-party, Hell,................even get drunk? The trick? Is not to get caught up in a life-long habit of doing so? While we're on the subject? Where in the Hell did you get it in your head that this sliim-bag is the best that you can do? How did you get it in your brain-housing group that an ADHD, alcoholic is the best that you deserve? Its not a question of you deserving him, but of him deserving you? The reason he checked out on you? Is because you were too much for him? Too rich for his taste! He couldn't tote the note on you! He's looking for a KIA, and your Happy @ss is a Lexus!
br0ken_w0lf Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Confused, don't beat yourself up over this - at all! I think you did great with 8 days and this was one of those special days so it's totally understandable. Just a weak moment like you said, that's it, that's all. Those will happen (and have happened to me) but you've resigned yourself to begin anew. Your own words: "This is it. He's gone." And you know what? I believe you when you say it. Like Gunny said, you deserve better and you *will* find it. Take care...
Author Confused9 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Thank you everyone. Gosh, today has been hard. I have been thinking of him nonstop. All I can think of was last year and how I had no idea that that would be our last anniversary. I keep thinking of the things we had planned to do and now he is doing them with someone else he doesn't even know. I mean...he truly doesn't know her. I think I believe he is better than me because when he was leaving sometimes he would say nice things but other times he would say he never loved me or I was the worst thing that eve happened to him. He told me that we were a mistake from the beginning and he finally found someone who loved him like he was suppossed to be loved. He made me feel lower than low. I can't understand why he would do that. Kick me while I was down. He broke me. Now he gets to live happily ever after. It's just not fair. I know I need to get over it...but it's just so hard. Up until he cheated things were fine...so I didn't see this coming. Gosh, I wish I did. Okay, sorry. Today will be tough...tomorrow...tomorrow will be better.
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hey, you're allowed to have bad days, especially today! Don't be so hard on yourself. Tomorrow WILL be a better day. Maybe you'll wake up feeling happier.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Hey, you're allowed to have bad days, especially today! Don't be so hard on yourself. Tomorrow WILL be a better day. Maybe you'll wake up feeling happier. Yea! This is true! But? You've got want it to get better, you've got to work for it! You and you alone have got to make it happen! You've got to get your happy @ass out of bed and make the bed ~ because! You've got to clean the place up! You've got to take care of your personal apperances! ACTION PRECEDES EMOTION! C9? 27 is young, and its a given that your not going to get through this life without at least one heart break! You've lucked out that your going through it during the age of the internet and you've got us "Vets" to guide you? Back in tha' day? It was just me, George Jones, Jack Daniels, a Fred Flintstone jelly glass and an empty apartment? Job ONE! Each and everyday? Is putting a smile on your face and getting your Happy @ss out there and rubbing a little sunshine on your face! You, I each and everyone of us are responsible for our on personsable happiness! And?" We're all about as happy as we make our minds up to be!
paladin1 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 /sarcasm on "Oh my god! You looked! I've NEVER had a weak moment when it came to my ex!!" /sarcasm off So ya looked; you had 8 days of not checking and I'm proud as HELL at ya for that. My anniversary with the ex was end of Feb, 3 weeks after the breakup. Ya notice I waited until after that to make the promise not to look...you can probably guess why Managed to continue to stay away myself; at least thus far. But I'd like ya to take a look at how you were doing BEFORE that eight days...you were checking what, once a day? You went OVER A WEEK on the first real try. It gets easier now. This time, it's for good...or hell, if not permanently; promise yourself a month. No checking for at least that long. Don't think of it as 0 days and counting; think of it as 8 days...with a minor hiccup.
Author Confused9 Posted March 24, 2008 Author Posted March 24, 2008 Thank u paladin. BEfore this I was looking like 10,000 times a day. So..I guss this isn't that bad...huh? I am proud of you for keeping up with it. Congrats to you. Gunny, I am trying to make myself happy. It's just hard. But, I know...it's in my hands.
Gunny376 Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 Yea its hard! All day HARD But its what you've got to do! Come on Sunshine? Let me see that smile on your face!
Author Confused9 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 I am trying. I know no one wants a pity party pal. It's just so hard. So frustrating. So awful. I think about him saying things to me. I am so mad I didn't stick up for myself. I allowed him to walk all over me for a month. It's makes me sick. I would have done anything to get him back. All the while he was already in a new relationship with her. I can't understand why he would tell me he was having a baby. Then he lost the baby. Then now he is having a baby again. Obviously they never lost it before. It's awful because we were pregnant once and lost the baby. So...for him to say that to me. It really really hurts. Of course, he told me that when we were arguing about him not paying me money anymore. Maybe he wanted to get me to feel sorry for him? He also told me he was laid off which I don't believe happened either. How can this man live with himself?!?!?!?!!? I just don't get it. I really don't. I know I am suppossed to stop asking questions but where the h*ll do people get off treating other people this way. I did nothing to deserve this. It kills me that he gets to be in love, have a marriage and a baby with her. He is so happy. How does that get to happen? Why do they get to be happy first? I am ruined. My heart is broken. I have no trust for people. I am 27 and single. I know that isn't old to some but I feel like it is old for me. Now, I need to start all over again...broken. WHo the h*ll is going to want to spend time/waste time trying to fix what he did? I don't understand the way this world works. Gosh, this is a vicious cycle.
john30 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Sorry your hurting this way C9, but you've got to stop asking yourself all those questions, there are NO answers for us! I know it's tough as hell, but you've got to jump off the merry-go-round, it's the only way forward for you, and for me. C9, the bad days hurt, hurt like hell, but just grit your teeth and gut it out, it's all you can do, it WILL get better. John.
Author Confused9 Posted March 25, 2008 Author Posted March 25, 2008 I know. The questions are brutal. I should ask them. I shouldnt' care anymore. It's been 6 months. I should let it go. It's just hard. I spent 7 years with this person. Never ONCE did I think he would break it off. NEVER ONCE. I doubted it a few times...but I never ever ever felt he did. It's just such a shoke. I hate it. I really do. I know I need to hang in there but it's so hard.
sumdude Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 It's so hard to let go, and it takes time and effort.. I know you've heard that before. I heard so many strange, hurtful and conflicting thing come from my ex ..I know how it feels. One day at a time. Keep trying to aviod thinking about it too much. Not easy but focus on yourself as much as you can.
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 Just think of the progress you've made already! Be proud of yourself! This healing will continue and eventually you WILL stop thinking of those questions, the why's and the how's. Baby steps confused...That's how to deal with this.
john30 Posted March 25, 2008 Posted March 25, 2008 I know. The questions are brutal. I should ask them. I shouldnt' care anymore. It's been 6 months. I should let it go. It's just hard. I spent 7 years with this person. Never ONCE did I think he would break it off. NEVER ONCE. I doubted it a few times...but I never ever ever felt he did. It's just such a shoke. I hate it. I really do. I know I need to hang in there but it's so hard. Yes you should care, you WILL care, because it's in your nature to care, that's what your all about. I never once thought my wife would do what she did, not ONCE!, not for a second! and HELL!, it's the biggest dam shock of my whole life, but at some point you have to make that decision to get off that merry-go-round and move forward. I know it's hard C9, I feel for you, I really do, I know exactly how you feel, I wish we could just turn emotions off but were stuck with em till they fade, just got to let em fade with your head up girl, that's all you can do. John.
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