Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Yea C9 it probally was ~ but what does it matter? The guys a dirtbag so get your happy self busy getting over him already ~ he doesn't deserve you and you sure a Hell don't deserve him? But she does? She's got to be some kind of extra ordinary "stupid" to get with him to begin with knowing his history with you and then to get pregno with an ADHD alkie? You know? Modern science and medicine can fix a lot of things with the Human mind and body? But? There's no fixing "stupid" She's stupid for getting with him ~ knowing that he was engaged to you and that the two of you had a seven years history. And he's an extra special kind of stupid for leaving you for her or anyone else. Alcoholic ADHD's can't just walk down the local street corner and just find anyone that's going to put up with ~ let alone deal with their crap like you have. If you must, and if you insist, take in all the stray dogs and cats you can find and handle ~ but its time to draw the line when it comes to addicts ~ be they alcohol addicts, gambling addicts, drug addicts! They've got to want to help themselves, before they can accept the help of others. One definition of "insanity" is to keep doing the same thing over and over ~ all the while expecting different results. And at 27? Your being way too hard on yourself about the breakdown of this relationship. You were what? 20 when you got together? What did you know about being in a relationship? What did you know about being married? What did you know about the differences between men and women? You come from a family rampant with addicts ~ and you're the only sane an normal one in and of the bunch? You were the "care-taker!" Well "newsflash" for you? That's not your job anymore! Not for your simblings, not for your Mom, and sure as Hell not for him! Nor for anyone else! Its your job to take care of yourself ~ not anyone else's. Your the one that's going to have to deal with the aftermath of all this? You were drawn toward this @sshat to begin with because of your family background ~ your need to "save him from himself" Just as you've always done all of your life. You got a chemical reward in your brain-housing group for being the tough one, the strong one, the stronger minded one in and of the family? JHC! Its not your job to save all the "losers" of the human race! Its time for C9 to be strong for herself! Its time for C9 to take care and nuture herself! Its time for C9 to be a little selfish and to tell the world to "Kiss Off!" (And I seriously question if anyone could find a "selfish" bone in your body?) Hate to be the one to say it? But you've climbed upon a "Lover's Cross" ~ Get your happy self down off of there! This guy's not worth it! You deserve a lot better! Even if you never get into another relationship (And you will ~ just a matter of time)? You're better off alone ~ than with this guy?" Forget this guy? What you need to be working on? Is YOU! I'll stand up and testify in open court! "Better to be single and alone ~ and happy! Than married and miserable!" Been there! Done That!
Author Confused9 Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 Thank you Gunny. You are too kind...but for someone who has never met me...you sure as h*ll have me pinned. It's amazing how much you know of me from just me posting. Gosh, how true everything you said just was. I am stunned. I will take what he wrote as my apology. It's what I said I wanted...so STOP LOOKING C9!!!!!!!!!! STOP living through him. STOP! Sorry. haha. I am reading 'The Language of Letting Go' and it's helping a lot. The words on the page speak to me. It's a meditation book all about codependents. I am really going to try and work on that. I know I need to love myself. I can't expect anyone to love me if I don't. I also need to be better to myself. I can't rely on others to make me feel how I want to feel. I am the boss! As for my family, gosh it's so hard to tell them no, but I am going to start. I am complaining about the debt my x left me with all the while still paying my older brother's bills. Enough is enough. It's time for me to learn to say no to thinks that aren't going to benefit me. I feel as though I am FINALLY ready to move on. He can have his life back. I will no longer be living through him. He may love her. He may not. He may regret what he did. He may not. He may feel I was 'the one that got away'. He may be thanking his lucky stars I am out of his life. Regardless, this is my reality and I am stuck here. What I do while I am stuck is my decision. MOVE ON C9. MOVE THE EFF ON!!!!!!!! I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this. I deserve a better life. I hope I won't be alone forever. But, if I am...I will be okay.
PWSX3 Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Another good book I found helped me was called Boundaries by Henry Cloud I do believe. There are different versions I do believe, the book I read was the hard back & it also had a work book with it.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 "BABY ON THE WAY AND WEDDING WEEKS AWAY.....ANDI HOPE PEOPLE CAN FORGIVE ME FOR HOW BAD OF A PERSON I WAS IN MY PAST." And then it says 'His name is waiting on my son and praying for forgivness for all the wrong things i have done in life ' Do you think this is geared to me or others? I know I shouldn't care but maybe it's him saying sorry to me? Why would he do it on myspace? UGH! Look, if he really wanted forgiveness from you, he would get intouch with you and appologize for how it ended, for how he treated you. He knows that you look at his myspace page, so in his own stupid way, this is him hoping you'll forgive him. Pretty crappy and p*ssy way of hoping for forgiveness eh? You're strong and WILL come out of this a wiser and stronger woman.
Author Confused9 Posted March 14, 2008 Author Posted March 14, 2008 I know. It's so stupid of him to post that. Like, it just proves he knows I look which proves all along he has been posting these things to get at me. OY! I can't believe how low he will stoop. He's playing this game of being this mature father to be. Some maturity he has. I want him to realize what he did was wrong but I am not going to stoop to his level and post stupid crap on myspace to get him to see that. I spent 7 years with him...why does he think a myspace sorry will make everything okay. He needs to live with what he has done. He has done me very WRONG and I deserve a phone call to say the least. I won't hope for it but I want one. I know I need to stop looking and let go of what he's done and let go of him. It's just really hard. It's been so confusing and so strange all that's happened. I have felt like I was living someone else's life. I just hope I can find strenght in this time and move on. I also hope that one day I will find someone who loves me.
Gunny376 Posted March 15, 2008 Posted March 15, 2008 What your going through in and for the most part? Is a greiving process. (Goggle the Five Stages of Grieving) combined with the proverbial "Adding insult to injury" I had someone PM me about their SO having problems with the lost of their best friend? I, myself have recently gone through this! It was quick and sudden. Grief is a natural reaction to a loss in one's life. A time of crying, anger, confusion and a feeling of being over-whelmed? The inability to think clearly? Grief erupts when someone loses a spouse, a relative, a job, a career. a best friend, a relationship, a marriage, even a pet? All of these are loses in our everyday lives? They can make us feel alone. vulnerable, depressed, angry at God, at ourselves, guilty, the person that died, that left us ~ a sense of abdondment. But its an emotion that must be dealth with at the time of loss? Some try to avoid the grieving? Becuause they know that the "loved one" is in a better place ~ or that they are in a better place? But grieving is for ourselves ~ not for someone else. And its a process that must be dealt with now and not later! For years upon years people have been taught ~ conditioned that tears are for cleansing. But for the soul we do our best not to cry in public? ("For Heaven's sake what will so-in-so think think if she/he sees me crying") We teach our sons not to cry? We hid death and grief from our children? The result? They grow up un-prepared for the ineventable loses in thier lives? We deny ourselves the priviledge of the cleansing of our very souls when we are saddened by the loss of someone from our lives? Grief is a process, and we must insist that people be given permission and time to walk though this process. Let no none take the process away ~ but let us walk with them throug it ~ through the pain! How do you do that? By hugging them and being quiet! Some think they have to offer platitiude to soothe the pain? But what a grief person needs? Is a tender shoulder to lean on and a tender hand to hold! They do not need the impostion of your thoughts, nor ideas ~ nor feelings? They only need your care and support as you walk with them thorough this process? There are fourt myths that people belive about grief> 1. It hurts to remember 2. Grief is an enemy to be avoided 3. If we do not talk about it? It will go away. 4. Sympathy makes it worse. Nothing could be farther from the truth?The more a person talks about their loss, the better it feels! Grief shared is ~ Grief diminished! If you know of someone that's going through grief? Go to them and tell them how you feel ~ really! It will do wonders! For their emotional health and well-being. We hide death and grief from our children and we grow up unprepared for the ineventable losses in our lives? Be they through death ~ separation ~ or divorce?
Author Confused9 Posted March 15, 2008 Author Posted March 15, 2008 thanks gunny. I just wish I could be happy that I am here and alive. I am wasting so much time focusing on him. It seems so silly since he has absolutely no care toward me at all. HE left me the way he did and all I get is a an aplogy through myspace. (If that's even geared toward me). It's like i am addicted to this. I can't stop looking at his myspace hoping for clues or looking at others to see if I can see pictures. It's sick. I need to let go. He did...why can't I? I guess I know why...he doesn't love me. UGH!
Author Confused9 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Ok...so this is a small step, but today I am going to try like H*LL to not look at his page. Back when this whole thing started I found her page as well as her sister's page because both were on his page...so I had access to that. I didn't know the sister's last name but I saved her as a favorite on my internet (stalker city, I know.) Last night I deleted her page and my cookies and my temp internet files and my history so there is no way to go back to find her page. I can't look her up since I don't know there last name, etc. so I can't see her page anymore. Her page is not private but my x and his new fiance are...so I was getting a lot of info from her page. (I realize how stalker, crazy, weird, etc this is...trust me) so...no more living vicariously through him. I am going to start living my life for me. Through me. What he did to me is not fair and it's not right. But...perhaps it is the best thing that ever happened and I will find that out soon. There is obviously something better out there for me. My life is in my hands...I can do what I want with it now. It's my decision where I take it from here. He may be getting married and having children with her only 4 months after we split...but that's his life. I can't be in it and don't want to be. What benefit does it give me to see new pictures of them? Why would I even want to see pics of thier wedding? It's self torture and I can't do it to myself ANYMORE. So...here I go....day 1. I hope I can be successful. I know it's going to be hard...sort of like kicking a drug habit...but I will do it. I have to. Baby steps... thanks for your help. I will let you know what happens at the end of the day... wish me luck.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Atta-girl. When you're having remembering WHY you're better off without a cheating a*hole in your daily life... check out some of Dgiirl's posts and see how great she's doing in her more recent ones. Inspirational stuff.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 What he did to me is not fair and it's not right. But...perhaps it is the best thing that ever happened and I will find that out soon. There is obviously something better out there for me. My life is in my hands...I can do what I want with it now. It's my decision where I take it from here. Fantastic way of thinking! I'm really proud of you for trying your best here...I know NONE of this is easy and it still hurts. Baby steps! You've done the right thing by deleting that stuff. Everytime you get the urge to sneak a peek at his myspace page, come here and post, or shut off your computer and go for a walk. Call a friend, have a shower, do some dishes, anything to take your mind off of it. Treat it like an addiction...
Author Confused9 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Thanks WW. I feel good but I know this will change. I just know I need to stop this nonsense. It's sick, really. I feel like I was waiting for him to come back. He's getting married and having a child and I was still waiting. Oh man! What a waste.
br0ken_w0lf Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I feel like I was waiting for him to come back. He's getting married and having a child and I was still waiting. Oh man! What a waste. Confused, I just wanted to say that you're doing great and have made a lot of progress lately! Good for you! I knew how much you were hurting and it's sooo great to see you start to round the corner on this. And don't look at the last few months as a waste. Like Gunny said, it's part of the process. There was no way to directly get from the point at which he left to the point where you are now, without going through all that crap. Believe me, if there was a shortcut, I would have taken it too! Keep up the good work!
Gunny376 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You're starting to evolve from the initial shock, when they first throw you under the bus, your brain is like "TILT! JOLT! DOES NOT COMPUTE - DOES NOT COMPUTE!" Your brain is like a house with the lights own ~ but no one's home!" Its the "Five Statges of Grief" (you might want to Goggle that) You'll go through them one by one ~ and may even repeat one or all of them from time to time? Sounds as though your primed for the "ANGER" phase? But, glad you're making progress? And your exactally right? You'll free yourself from all of this mess ~ the very moment, the very second that YOU MAKE THE DECISION TO DO SO ~ and not a second before! Your going to be amazed at yourself the second you come to the realization that its been you that held the keys to set you free from him and this all along? You'll do a little back-slidding from time to time? But you've got to make the conscious decision to work ~ and it very much is work! Visualize yourself as the main characther in "Kill Bill" When she time and time again escaped from the un-escapable ~ the hospital, being buried alive? That's the determination, the concentration you need to free yourself of this mess he's left you with. And yes~ You can do it! You've already shown that you've got some fire in your belly and spit in your eye when you said you would not let him ruin your credit score!
paladin1 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 Hey; C9. Understand your situation all too well. It's been about 5 weeks now since my ex left. I found she cheated on me with her trainer at the gym; left her. She begged me to come back, and I was naieve enough to beleive her when she said she made a mistake. Three weeks later, I found they were continuing texting "miss you and love you" to each other, and she ended a 4.5 year relationship with an email saying she "wasn't leaving for him, but felt she didnt feel for me the way I felt for her". 2 days later she was dating him. Haven't spoken to her with the exception of 30 seconds when I got my stuff; all I have was the email she sent. Nice, huh? The reason I say this? She has a myspace account as well. It has been...horribly hard...to not seek more answers. I'll do a name search on myspace, look at the profile in list format...and realize I can catch up with what is going on by accessing her profile with a simple click and maybe I can get some answers, or closure.. or at least see the face of the guy she left me for If you are willing; I'll make you a promise for one of your own...because if nothing else I've always believed in keeping my promises. Will ya join me in promising to not check, not look? I realize that anything I find will likely only open old wounds; and will not help me in any way. She knows that any contact will be initiated by her; and will start with a face to face apology for what she had done and I will expect nothing less. So what do ya think? Join me in a promise? We are only hurting ourselves by seeking answers we will never really find. Accept my promise for one of your own in return and lets stay strong together.
Author Confused9 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Brokenwolf, I only hope I can mantain this strength and momentum. Yesterday was tough not looking at his page but I went home and went for a walk/run then wrote him a letter. Obviously not one to send. HAHA! Today will be a challenge I am sure. Luckily, I can't look at myspace at work so it will just be while I am home for the night. Tomorrow and Thursday night I work...so I should be good. I can't help but feel like I am missing something by not looking. Silly, right? Thank you for your support. I hope I can be an LS 'success story' in the months to come I really do! Gunny, I am not sure if I have reached the anger stage at all. It's more just been sad. I don't know if the anger stage will even come...perhaps it will but you would think I should/would have been angry by now? I mean...think of all he has done and I still have just been sad to lose him. No real anger. Is that weird? I know I will take a few steps back...those I am not looking forward to at all. It's devastating when you make progress and then lose momentum. But, I know it's going to happen. Monday would have been our anniversary. I am sure that day will be hard. I need to realize that it's over. No matter what, it's over. He is gone. Gone like the wind. He isn't coming back. Not with a wife and a kid strapped to his arm and you can bet your bottom dollar that I can kiss that money he owes me goodbye. I need to stop holding on to what we had...who he was. And what I thought my life was going to be. I need to be liberated by this newfound singledom. I need to put my smile back on my face and be that person that people like to be around. I need to focus on me and put forth as much energy as I was wasting time living through him to live my life. I mean...come on C9...this is your life...is this what you want? NO! You are a great cyber friend Gunny. I appreciate all of your help and words of wisdom! Paladin1, YES! I will make that promise with you. You need to be strong too, okay? I didn't look yesterday....at all. Not once. I wanted to. My hand almost clicked the mouse to, but I didn't. It was hard, but I made it!!! : ) You can do it too. It's not worth it to continue to deepen the wounds. It really isn't. This isn't what we want for our lives, right? Our lives are ours...let's make the best of them. We need to do this. We need to do it for us. To repair what they broke. They don't deserve our energy anymore. Let me know how you are doing. Report back when you can. Stay strong!
Author Confused9 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 I still haven't looked. I wanted to last night. I really did. I feel like I am missing something by not looking. A sign. An apology. Anything. But...I didn't look. I gotta say - I feel a little better. I still think about him and what happened 85% of the day but that is better than 100%. Our anniversary would have been Monday so I need to stay strong and get past that day. I am SO TEMPTED to see if he changes it Monday...to see if he puts a sign...something towards me (sick I know...why would he...he's getting married, having a baby and in love with someone else) but that is what my heart thinks. My head is screaming...he won't do that you idiot!!! Oh boy. Let's hope I can get through this.
sumdude Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I still haven't looked. I wanted to last night. I really did. I feel like I am missing something by not looking. A sign. An apology. Anything. But...I didn't look. I gotta say - I feel a little better. I still think about him and what happened 85% of the day but that is better than 100%. Our anniversary would have been Monday so I need to stay strong and get past that day. I am SO TEMPTED to see if he changes it Monday...to see if he puts a sign...something towards me (sick I know...why would he...he's getting married, having a baby and in love with someone else) but that is what my heart thinks. My head is screaming...he won't do that you idiot!!! Oh boy. Let's hope I can get through this. Keep it up... it happens incrementally. One day it's 100%... then 85%... then 50%. One day something happens and it might pop up to 70% again. But day by day it gets better and better. Remember this song "Tubthumping"? (We'll be singing, when we're winning, we'll be singing) I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down
Author Confused9 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Thanks Sumdude. I like that song!
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I still haven't looked. I wanted to last night. I really did. I feel like I am missing something by not looking. A sign. An apology. Anything. But...I didn't look. I gotta say - I feel a little better. Congratulations!! And I like that you DO feel abit better because you didn't look. -Remember, what you don't know (or see) won't hurt you. It is what it is, right? You're doing great so just take this day by day. And if you do feel like peeking, come here instead and post.. Our anniversary would have been Monday so I need to stay strong and get past that day. I am SO TEMPTED to see if he changes it Monday...to see if he puts a sign...something towards me (sick I know...why would he...he's getting married, having a baby and in love with someone else) but that is what my heart thinks. My head is screaming...he won't do that you idiot!!! Make sure you are OUT all day and don't put yourself in a place where you'll go look. Hopefully by Sunday you won't have any urges, and if you do, come post here..
Author Confused9 Posted March 19, 2008 Author Posted March 19, 2008 Thanks WWIU. I really hope I can get through this. I want to believe my life will be better. I guess I just have to wait and make myself better - heal first. One day I hope this will be just a distant memory and if I saw him on the street with her I could smile and say hello. Of course I hope I am walking with my husband who looks just like Ryan Goesling and he is overweight and wearing an awful head piece. hahah.
br0ken_w0lf Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 I still haven't looked. I wanted to last night. I really did. I feel like I am missing something by not looking. A sign. An apology. Anything. But...I didn't look. I gotta say - I feel a little better. YEAH!!!! Good for you, that's awesome!! Like others have said, it's a day-at-a-time thing and that's how you have to look at it. Keep that little counter in your sig, it's a good idea and a motivator for you as well. I'll be watchin' for it Our anniversary would have been Monday so I need to stay strong and get past that day. I am SO TEMPTED to see if he changes it Monday...to see if he puts a sign...something towards me (sick I know...why would he...he's getting married, having a baby and in love with someone else) but that is what my heart thinks. My head is screaming...he won't do that you idiot!!! Oh boy. Let's hope I can get through this. I agree with WWIU, get out of the house and keep busy on Monday (and satisfy any Sunday urges by posting here as WWIU said). It might not be 100% what you want to do, but I can almost guarantee if you stay at home alone, your mind will start to churn with bad thoughts (speaking from experience). You're getting on with things and you're joking, so that's a good sign. Keep it up!
paladin1 Posted March 19, 2008 Posted March 19, 2008 Hey C9! Good to see that you are staying strong! With you all the way; have not checked myself despite the urge. Realizing that there are no answers to be found in her e-life; only the pain of seeing her with someone else. It will never answer the questions I truly want to hear the answers to...how could a person change so quickly from love to complete indifference, and what happened to the person we loved for so long? Staying strong, one day at a time thanks to you and the rest of the LS'ers! We make it one month, virtual beers on me!
Gunny376 Posted March 20, 2008 Posted March 20, 2008 Good for you C9 ~ its very much a one day a time thing! But you've got to get creative about the many different ways that you can find to occupy your time? Actually? You've got too many things on your hands to be worrying about his lame @ss. The really good news? You're still young ~ and I mean very young. 27? Pffffffttttt! :laugh: You've got us "Vets" there "newbie" I was 33 when I went through my divorce? Back in "tha' day" there wasn't any internet, and not all that many good books? Just me, George Jones, Jack Daniels and a Fred Flintstone jelly glass ~ and an damned empty house. Did the cheating spouse thing! Did the begging, pleading, crying thing? Did the divorce thing? Did the bankruptcy deal? Got thrown under the freaking bus by the EXHEX with the IRS? (Fear them! Those jokers DO NOT PLAY! But even so? I found out the "magic" words that they fear! :laugh:) At 27? You're actually are sitting in a very good place? And even though with the pain that you're going through? You're even now are adapting and over-coming? That which doesn't kill us? Only makes us stronger? The really good thing about having entangled and un-tangleing yourself from someone like you STBX? Is that you build up a certain amount of immunity? Pity the next guy that comes across you ~ your BS meter is now finely tuned! Its precision sharp! You'll be able to spot the "users and abusers" a mile off! For the experience with the STBX? You've gained a much clearer definition of not only what you're looking for in a life-mate? But what you're NOT looking for! You? You're no fool ~ you know you've got to get back into school, and learn more about personal finance and about inter-personal relationships? (Welcome to LoveShack.org) BTW? Its a life-long study. Bottom line? There are parts of you that are pretty freaking awesome! The rest? Well I'm confident that you're working on it! CARRY ON!
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