Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I don't think she it can be said that she had sex with me right away. then again she could have been with someone else during the dating process. Aussie you changed your tune a little bit saying that things could work out if i remove emotions. was that sarcasm?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 i have proof spanks the monkey Oh ok then thats a donkey of a different color all together what proof do you have? if you don't mind me asking and how did you come by it? She may very well just be a serial cheating gf or there may be issues you two can work on but I don't know. I'm not in the relationship myself I can only go by what you tell us here. Have you been open and honest about everything with her? whats her reaction? have you thought about counseling together? And prob the biggest question dose she mean enough to you to try and help her and the relationship thu what ever is causing this behavior from her? If not thats ok to after all your only human and we each have our personal limits as to how much stress/drama we can or will endure! Thats something you need to take a step back and really consider as well.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 (edited) Spanks its over bro. i got a gut feeling, and then i got the info in the past by looking at her phone and volunteered information from mutual acquatances which encoureged me to stop somewhere were she might be with him when she said she wasnt and she was. but that was a long time ago. Iand it was early in the relationship so i let it gothen. just havent been able to totaly let any of that go and he is still around. I am constantly proving myself to her that i'm not a jerk. the heck with it we had a huge falling out and i said some things i ma not be able to take back which makes me the bad guy now ( i stooped to a jerks level) when she screwed up in the first place wanting totry drugs and not being there for me when my niece was sick. screw it Edited March 12, 2008 by themessenger
DanielMadr Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 BPD, NPD, NYPD, FBI, CIA whatever dudes. There were times when this behaviour was called being a b*tch. No doctor like - victim of nature labels put on it. She behaves like a b*tch. You are not happy...stalking or no stalking - dump her or yourself. You supposed to be happy. Your wife is supposed to be happy. And when you are not then your children are not happy and "catch" some BPD or NYPD. Only possible cure: Spank her silly a** like a little misbehaving girl she is without anger, just like her parent. But -you are not her parent, its their job to raise their children -you can end up in jail -and when you tolerated her shyt that long you are guilty yourself, because she is immature spoiled brat and you are wussy little boy -you shouldnt care about b*tches that much, because after all you reward bad behaviour with attention. And believe me some loco girls think that their men who torture them, really love them. Run Forrest Run
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I hear you daniel we've had conversations about how she is drawn to men who are moving away from her. she says it stems from her abusive childhood. I thought maybe she was over it. When i sensed she had more soul searching to do i tryed giving her an out. i should have forced it. but she would cry. and she did come a long way since the first beak up we had. which encouraged me to stay.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Is it stalking? I didn't read your entire thread but if you are: -driving past her house to see who's there -reading her emails without her permission -listening to her phone calls without her permission -reading personal mail without permisson -basically trying to obtain personal info about her without her permission If you have caught her lying to you in the past chances are she will lie again. It is up to you whether you will accept her behavior and still date her knowing she is probably dating others as well. You already know you are dating a liar. Stop trying to 'parent' her by snooping. Either accept her the way she is or leave her alone. If this girl is a cheater then of course she is going to enjoy the company of men who don't snoop rather than a man who does. Any cheater would. I would guess it would be more fun to date someone who is relaxed in that area.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Why would anyone be relaxed in that area? I mean why would anyone want to mbe made a fool of? Or be disrespected? or shared with? or lied to? and frankly if she wanted to see other people fine. I GAVE HER THAT OPTION! just don't be sneaky and lie about it is all i ask.
NuTuDating Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Give her the option of seeing other people but not you.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 no then i would see other people too. see she says she doesn't want me to see other people and she doesn't want to see other people but her actions say differnt. so this goes back to my should i care thread. maybe i shouldn't care if lied to or betrayed. like you said maybe its more fun that way if i'm relaxed about it.its as if i've had it wrong all this time..
NuTuDating Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 We really can't help you if you actively seek pain and torture!!! She wants to see other people, but doesn't want you to see other people? That's hypocritical, bizarre, selfish, etc... Shouldn't be acceptable to ANYONE.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 I'm not seaking pain and torture. just understanding. this isnt pain and torture to him. so maybe i should just let her talk her crap and nail her whenever i get a chance. but i thought she wanted something differnt now thats all.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Why would anyone be relaxed in that area? I mean why would anyone want to mbe made a fool of? Or be disrespected? or shared with? or lied to? and frankly if she wanted to see other people fine. I GAVE HER THAT OPTION! just don't be sneaky and lie about it is all i ask. The OM may be relaxed in that area because he may be more aloof than you, may not care about her as much, or may just decide to be so good that she won't want to see anyone else. Who knows, some people just aren't as emotional as others. All I'm saying is if you know this girl is that way, stop trying to change her and either accept what she's doing or better yet, move on.
DanielMadr Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I hear you daniel we've had conversations about how she is drawn to men who are moving away from her. she says it stems from her abusive childhood. I thought maybe she was over it. When i sensed she had more soul searching to do i tryed giving her an out. i should have forced it. but she would cry. and she did come a long way since the first beak up we had. which encouraged me to stay. Playing Captain Save a Ho is in fact only your ego and inner child (always wanting to fix parents relationship) f*cking you over. You can tell her anything genial you want. Anyone does even psychotherapist. But it wont help. She has to come to the conclusion herself. And no talk can help. Only sugar and whip. You dont behave = frustration. You behave = attention, affection. You know it is cruel because her problems probably started as her being good girl and yet she got betrayed as a child by abandoment or by not meeting her needs in quality or time needed. But still she is not a child and you are not a parent. She has to cope on her own - she is adult now. And wont become one if someone will sweep the dirt out of her path. And you know what - some people made it. Some people had very tough childhood, adolescence or life in general and still they dont bend morality in their favour.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 (edited) still a fool what do you mean by he decided to be so good she wouldn't any to see anyone else? why do girls say they don't want guys that take them for granted and cobstantly go back to them. i'm just gonna be aloof from now on. its less work. if they start to complain then in one ear and out the other. she'll be back. Edited March 12, 2008 by themessenger
DanielMadr Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I'm not seaking pain and torture. just understanding. this isnt pain and torture to him. so maybe i should just let her talk her crap and nail her whenever i get a chance. but i thought she wanted something differnt now thats all. So many dilemas, questions, problems.... I have an uneasy feeling only reading this. Why would anyone live it? Saying: Call me a dog once and I smack you. Call me a dog twice and I start to bark. And you even didnt smack her for the first time. About stalking - it is undignified. If you are happy with her then fine - you can be happy. If not leave. No need of evidence/stalking, dude.
AussieJack Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 ... Aussie you changed your tune a little bit saying that things could work out if i remove emotions. was that sarcasm? Where did I say that ?
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 oops that may have been in my should i care thread
stillafool Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 still a fool what do you mean by he decided to be so good she wouldn't any to see anyone else? why do girls say they don't want guys that take them for granted and cobstantly go back to them. i'm just gonna be aloof from now on. its less work. if they start to complain then in one ear and out the other. she'll be back. Darling don't be aloof, be yourself. Not all girls want aloof guys, most don't want an emotionally unavailable man. You are just dealing with the wrong type of girl for you. You sound like a great guy and there are tons of women out there who would cherish you. My question would be why do guys say they want a girl who doesn't take them for granted but continue to go back to them? As far as "he decided to be so good she wouldn't want to see anyone else" - Well, I mean by being interesting, fun, and not putting demands on her. If you do this and stop bringing up her past behavior and snooping she will become more interested in spending all her time with you.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 (edited) I see what your saying. just think its interesting that thats what you refer to as being good. i guess i do bring up her past behaviors to make her realize when she is acting like a hypocrite. I guess the only demands i placed was to be honest loyal and supportive. but maybe thats not being good. frankly mayb it is easier and better not to have such expectations of people or yourself. Edited March 12, 2008 by themessenger
stillafool Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 That's not my idea of being good but I'm thinking maybe it's your gf's idea of what is a good date. I'm just giving you a reason why she might prefer the OM. My idea of a good man is someone who is loyal and honest. I don't believe in playing games with people. Your behavior is good. Her behavior is not. Do you still want to be with her? Or, are you looking for advice as to how to make her change and think like you?
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 actualy i'm thinking maybe i need to be a less emotional person. sure maybe she would like that. but in the end maybe it would be beter for my well being. less stress, less anxiety less anger, less depression, would that also mean less happpiess? less love?
nicki Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 Gee, Messenger, don't change for her. She's clearly dysfunctional. The urge to snoop and find out the truth comes from a place of feeling something just isn't right....and wanting verification of the truth when you can't trust what someone is saying to you. How can you trust someone who has lied to you in the past? You must have outside verification of the truth until you trust their word again. Sometimes other people's bad behavior makes us act in ways we wouldn't normally act in. A little bit of snooping and checking up on her is okay in my book, given what she's doing. (It crosses a line into prolonged anxiety, however, if you feel the need to keep it up long term.) Let yourself off the hook here. Her response of shifting the blame and getting defensive is classic guilty behavior. Don't take it to heart. Her intention was to throw you off balance, as well as off the correct trail you were on. Please don't let this woman make you doubt yourself or your own instincts. That's what she's trying to do. It's not up to you to heal her, only to support her own effort of healing. But don't stick around if you are being treated badly. Abusive, dysfunctional people often pair up with considerate people who have co-dependent qualities of wanting to help others while not doing enough to help themselves. It's an issue of boundaries...and she's crossing yours. What are you going to do about it? I like giving her the option of dating others, but not you... That's good, and healthy.
stillafool Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 actualy i'm thinking maybe i need to be a less emotional person. sure maybe she would like that. but in the end maybe it would be beter for my well being. less stress, less anxiety less anger, less depression, would that also mean less happpiess? less love? You can't be a less emotional person, you are who you are. Why do you want to change who you are to get her? - a liar and a cheater!
underpants Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I'm sorry you are hurting. It reads to me like she got busted doing something she knew was inappropriate. Instead of acknowledging it she got defensive and projected her guilt on you. It is a classic defense mechnism. Also from what you have written it sounds like she is not over this other guy. Or that she simply enjoys (perhaps unconsciously) the attention of multiple men and the drama that kicks up. Honestly the only way to 'win' that stupid game is to refuse to play. She might decide you have some value once you stand up for yourself and walk away. However, if you do what so many do and give in to that it will most likely be a temporary reconcilation. There is a better girl out there for you. You just have to free yourself to see her. Chin up.
Author themessenger Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Maybe a better girl isn't better for me. Maybe a change of attitude is. maybe I need to stop taking relationships so seriously. Maybe I shouldn't expect so muc from people. maybe that will bring less drama and time spent in here.
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