My eyes are finally open!

[THEBIGARC]

3 wks after dealing with my wife wanting to end our marriage and her being in love with an ex bf. My eyes are finally open! This site and the many people on it have helped me see it too. She and I were not supposed to be together. We never truly were in love. We had a son and that kind of forced us together. I was not happy with her. I accepted it as the life I chose because of my son. She was never truly happy either. We do not have much if anything in common. I would rather be at work on Saturday than be with her on a day off. I cried and begged her to stay because of our son and a new house we just built. My son will always be in my life. I will make sure of it! The house is just a material thing that would had just been a roof over my head while I was in my own prison with her. I remember talking to my best friend of how being married to her was a sentence in jail. "I have 14 yrs left until my son is 18 then I am out of there." What was I thinking giving up my life like that? She and I both deserve to be happy. She is in love with her true love from before me, well she needs to go be with him. I feel so much better now that I really accepted that. I was willing to stay married to a person that is not really for me. A person I really did not truly want. Wow!!!

 

Now, on telling my W all this, she cried and said she is confused. She said it makes her want me more. Well, she had 3 wks to want me back, but now that I have had this realization there is no way for me to go back!

 

I hope someone reading this can relate. Sometimes when we lose a W or H, we really win in our lives. I want to be her friend and will be for our son. I think that is a good thing. I just wish she or I would have had the courage to do this before we got married. Oh well, live and learn.

 

Thanks again to all the people on here that post advice and comments. It has really helped me. I will keep posting with updates. I know it will be hard to start a new life. I have become used to this one even though it was an unhappy one. Wish me luck! Thanks again!!!

[daisygirl]

"I have 14 yrs left until my son is 18 then I am out of there."

 

OMG, that's how I feel about my M.....

 

I'm glad you're feeling better about all of this! Good luck to you!

Edited March 11, 2008 by daisygirl

[shockandawed]

Hey Bigarc,

 

Glad you are feeling better today. Just be prepared for more high and lows as you go through this.

 

I can totally relate to you. I was married for 18 years. My ex had a high school boyfriend who tracked her down on the internet. She was back in the early 80s again. Totally smitten and wrapped up in the thought she had found her long lost soulmate. She even told me once that she thought I was a rebound...wth?? an 18 year rebound.

 

Anyhow, we ended up divorced, the kids survived and less than a year later she realized why they had broken up to begin with. Then I got all the late night phone calls begging to take her back, etc.. of course, I had already dealt with it, grieved and moved on. That was 4 years ago. We get along great now and the kids are in great shape.

 

It's a pretty powerful emotion to have an ex love re-enter your life. Unfortunately, it rarely lasts. If you ever need specifics or need to vent, feel free to PM me.

[guessjeans]

Shockandawed..i really enjoy your posts. I wanted to ask you something about what I am currently dealing with, with my ex of 4 yrs ago.

 

If your ex wife and you split because the two of you just lost your way, and she didnt leave the marriage because of another person that had come into her life, and the two of you remained good friends...if she had suggested to you that the two of you date again, although you say you have grieved and moved on...would you have considered it?

 

I left my ex 4 yrs ago, but not because either of us cheated, or fell out of love, we simply just lost our way. During those 4 yrs, he brought his elderly parents in to live with him and i felt I couldnt tell him how i felt in fear that I would put him in the position of having to chose.

 

I was committed to remaining friends, rebuilting our friendship and whatever was going to happen, was going to happen.

 

Well, last october he starts a relationship with the secretary at the company he works as a manager. She is 10 yrs older than me, 6 yrs older than him. She just left her husband in October, and immediately they started sleeping together.

 

He said to me that he loves her, but that the love he feels for her, is a love you have just because you are with them, that "it is not like that between them".

 

He did say he still loved me, and could us in a relationship again, but has trust issues because I left.

 

We dont talk anymore and he makes no effort to reach me. I have just left him to live his life with this woman. They might move in together i assume once her divorce is final.

 

I would love to hear your take on this.

 

guessjeans

[whichwayisup]

You and your (ex)wife can still be great co-parents together in two different homes. Make this a goal for you. Put your son first, even if it means you have to suck it up and deal with some crap on a stick. She's going to be around in bits and pieces in your life forever, so you might as well start that off on good ground.

[sumdude]

He did say he still loved me, and could us in a relationship again, but has trust issues because I left.

 

guessjeans

 

I hate to hijack... but I can give you my take. I feel very much like your ex... if for some reason my ex came back around again I would be hard pressed to consider another shot. For the very same reason... the trust was broken when she left with the way she left and there is no way I would want to go through that again with her.

[Gunny376]

Congraulations TBA! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

 

You've just made a leap of consciouness that takes many years upon years to come to realize.

 

The stats for a couple (of any age) that gets married just because the woman got pregno? 90% divorce rate!!!!!

 

BTW? A woman walks on me? There's no coming back ~ EVER!

 

Being married to my XHEX? Was like dragging a dead horse around everywhere I went?

 

I really like and enjoy the Life that I have now ~ its not perfect ~ but gone are the days of worry and woe, depression, stress? I'm making more money than I've ever made in my life, I owe less money than I've every owed in my life, and I have more in the bank. I've got everything that I want ~ and pretty much everything that I need? I've got a pretty sweat, low-stresss, no-stress job ~ with a low-stress, no stress boss, and co-workers. My children are grown and gone ~ and own their own ~ self supporting, independent, responsible, law abiding.

 

As I write this ~ I'm sipping on some Canadian Whiskey, listening to the "Big Eighties" on Sirius, the dishwasher, washer, and dryer humming right along on the otherside of the house. Beef Pot Roast with veggies are simmering right along in the slow cooker. Thawing out some homemade Brunswick in the frige.

 

My point in telling you this, is that there very much happiness, and contentment after divorce! And being single ~ not in a relationship is just as much a choice as anything in Life? Just as the keys to your own personal happiness and freedom have always laid in your very own hands!

 

For me to give up what I've got? Would take some serious long hard thinking on my part!

 

As far as the STBXW? She made her bed! If it gets hard to lay in in? Too bad! Too sad!

[shockandawed]

Shockandawed..i really enjoy your posts. I wanted to ask you something about what I am currently dealing with, with my ex of 4 yrs ago.

 

If your ex wife and you split because the two of you just lost your way, and she didnt leave the marriage because of another person that had come into her life, and the two of you remained good friends...if she had suggested to you that the two of you date again, although you say you have grieved and moved on...would you have considered it?

 

I left my ex 4 yrs ago, but not because either of us cheated, or fell out of love, we simply just lost our way. During those 4 yrs, he brought his elderly parents in to live with him and i felt I couldnt tell him how i felt in fear that I would put him in the position of having to chose.

 

I was committed to remaining friends, rebuilting our friendship and whatever was going to happen, was going to happen.

 

Well, last october he starts a relationship with the secretary at the company he works as a manager. She is 10 yrs older than me, 6 yrs older than him. She just left her husband in October, and immediately they started sleeping together.

 

He said to me that he loves her, but that the love he feels for her, is a love you have just because you are with them, that "it is not like that between them".

 

He did say he still loved me, and could us in a relationship again, but has trust issues because I left.

 

We dont talk anymore and he makes no effort to reach me. I have just left him to live his life with this woman. They might move in together i assume once her divorce is final.

 

I would love to hear your take on this.

 

guessjeans

 

Hi guess,

 

To answer your question as to would I consider it, I did. When my ex reached out a year and a half or so after our divorce, I was really torn. As I said, I had grieved, and moved on, as was in another relationship again. But it really weighed on my mind for quite some time.

 

I think to adequately give you my opinion, I need more details on your end. You don't really explain the reasons and situation of your divorce. Did you leave because of his parents? It sounds as though he has moved on with his life and that is bothering you. I don't want to say without more info.

 

I would also ask that you please start another thread or PM me and I will be happy to answer. I just don't want to hijack the OP thread here.

[Nomad1]

Hey Gunny, what you describe is what I would call true happiness. You are in a good place.

 

See what often happens is that those who are in shock because their significant other decided to take a hike find it at first difficult to reconfigure their lives and remain stuck in the same spot trying to understand what happened. They do get over it eventually, but the quality of their life very much depends on their determination to live an independent life first and foremost, before embarking on yet another relationship.

 

Those who leave, particularly those who leave for OM/W are in effect the weaker ones. This is because they value the OM/W so much that they are prepared to give up what they had. Quite often the outcome for them is unhappiness, particularly when things do not work out with the OM/W.

 

Nomad1