abeliever Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I read in threads all the time that H or W did this or that and this is what causes the A's! My situation is my H is a narcissist and if I don't stroke his ego 24/7 he is po'd to the point he will make you pay for it. Boy did he make me pay for it! With that being said if SO I am curious is it words or is it their needs are not being met? My needs weren't met. I did not choose to cheat or make him pay. I told him and asked him to work on it. On some issues he did others he did not. Our sexual relationship was great but we lacked intimacy and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't let me in. Now know that he was having A's one after the other, it explains why he couldn't connect to me on that level? So what was YOUR issues? Is mine common or not??? abeliever
eeyore1980 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I can't speak for anyone else, only myself and my situation. Why did my husband cheat? Because, like yours, he is selfish, and believes he is entitled to what he wants when he wants it. Had he not been so selfish, he would have appreciated me more, and treated me better. Instead, he lied, manipulated, did whatever he wanted to get whatever he wanted, and then was offended if he got called on it. I in turn got more and more tired of the bad treatment, and started caring for him less and less. Then he gets to go out and find someone else because he felt unloved. I refuse to take any responsibility for this. I tried very hard for many years to work things out, and he wasn't interested, that goes back to getting his way all the time, and taking responsibility for his own actions wasn't an option. In his mind, I was supposed to give, and he was supposed to take, and that is all there was to it. And the punishment, I know about that, too. WTF! Who do these people think they are, anyway?
madame x Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I've cheated on my H and while our relationship had deteriorated years before the affair I don't blame his actions for my decision. If he'd been more present and available I would not have cheated but I chose to still pursue it knowing fully well that it was the wrong thing to do. If I were stronger then I would have left the marriage before pursuing my affair but I behaved selfishly. No one makes someone else cheat. It is a choice.
DogMetal Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I agree. The simple answer is you cannot make someone cheat, nor should you go into denial and believe someone made you cheat. Honestly, you need the guts to discuss your thoughts with your spouse. Otherwise, you just might be justifying to yourself your cheating is OK. Now, if a spouse refuses to have sex with you for no good reason (I might be going off topic a bit) then i would get divorce, and if that wasn't honored, I would tell the spouse I am getting sex. At least I think I would. Thats hard to say because I am not a cheater. But I honestly enjoy sex too much to miss out, especially at my youngish age. My point is, I don't think anything justifies cheating, because that is secretive and dirty, and that doesn't belong in a marriage bond.
JustBreathe Posted March 13, 2008 Posted March 13, 2008 (edited) The answer is of course, no, you aren't responsible for his decision to screw around on you. He disrespected you and your marriage. Now, what are you going to do about it? Sounds like you haven't left him yet and you've asked for some change. What issues has he been not interested in working on? Are they major issues to you? If you don't like something he's doing and he doesn't care to work on it, you have to decide whether that issue is important enough that you can learn to live with it, or whether you can't live with it. Edited March 13, 2008 by JustBreathe
Elilmomma Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 My hubby had and affair over 2 months ago and he blames me for his actions, because like 3 years ago I pushed him away and told him to leave. Things were pretty bad for us then and all we did was argue and I was sick of it so he waits like 2 years to cheat. I told him he should take respnsibility for his own action and grow up. I don't believe that what one person says makes it ok for the other to cheat. Now I am in a situation where supposedly the ow is going to his job looking for him and he was calling her suposedly to tell her to leave him the hell alone all because he chose to step outside the marriage because of what I said 2 years ago no it doesn't work like that because if it did then doesn't his actions justify me finding someone else?
IpAncA Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 I read in threads all the time that H or W did this or that and this is what causes the A's! My situation is my H is a narcissist and if I don't stroke his ego 24/7 he is po'd to the point he will make you pay for it. Boy did he make me pay for it! With that being said if SO I am curious is it words or is it their needs are not being met? My needs weren't met. I did not choose to cheat or make him pay. I told him and asked him to work on it. On some issues he did others he did not. Our sexual relationship was great but we lacked intimacy and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't let me in. Now know that he was having A's one after the other, it explains why he couldn't connect to me on that level? So what was YOUR issues? Is mine common or not??? abeliever Never mind "words and affair," what do you mean he makes you pay for it if you don't feed his ego?
BentSpine Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Words don't have direct control over someone's actions, unless you're a hypnotist. However, critical words CAN make someone fall out of love. And when someone falls out of love, their heart is open to attention from other people.
shadowofman Posted March 14, 2008 Posted March 14, 2008 Forgive me, but I am having trouble understanding a couple points you have made. my H is a narcissist and if I don't stroke his ego 24/7 he....makes me pay for it! What does stroking his ego mean? And how do you have to pay if you don't do it? Our sexual relationship was great but we lacked intimacy and no matter how hard I tried he wouldn't let me in. I understand lack of intimacy, but what are you meaning when you say that he wouldn't let you in? ...explains why he couldn't connect to me on that level? On what level? Was he connected to his other women on some higher level then his connection to you?
Sal Paradise Posted March 16, 2008 Posted March 16, 2008 People cheat because they're selfish, weak, irresponsible and above all else - cowards. Even if their SO is a complete piece of crap that doesn't justify cheating. Find the courage to leave the relationship, don't blame your SO (no matter how poorly they treat you) for your mistakes and or actions.
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