Am I in trouble here?

[bethann]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, we have had our ups and downs. BUT, Last weekend we were at a party and his old gf was there,they were on and off for a few years before we hookedup, infact one time during one of our breaks, he went running back to her. I do not like her, do not want him talking to her at all and I dont let her name be mentioned in our house (we just moved intogether!)

 

My problem is this, he kept gawking at her most of the night.He was trying to be sneaky about it, but I could tell. They did'nt talk at all, infact they seemed to go out there wayto stay away from each other. She was getting hit on by alot of the guys at the party and it seemed to me that it botherd Rick.

 

What is up?

[themessenger]

Oh dear ok he may have wondering eyes but please don't give him a hard time about it. This is self destruction. let him see you confident and in demand as well. he just needs a little reminder of what he has. i don't think theres any reason at this juncture to think he is looking to cheat.

[bethann]

The look on his face when he saw her! That is what bothers me the most. I don know how to describ it. I could just feel that he was very happy to see her. My gut is telling me he still has feelings for her. I cant shake that.

 

If she went into the kitchen, he would move so he could see her. When she went outside to cool off with her friends, he moved to the window and watched her. When she was dancing he stared at her. HE watched her all nite! She also was sneaking looks at him. I pretended Ididnt notice anything. But i did notice. I wonder what he wouldve don if i was not there.

Edited March 11, 2008 by bethann

[bethann]

There is just something about those two being together that drives me crazy. Do you think he is still interested in her?

[nicki]

I feel your pain. Been there myself. You would rather he look at YOU like that at a party and not even notice this ex. Of course.

 

But, take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are okay. You are. Anything you do will be for you, not him. And it really may be nothing at all.

 

The way I look at is, one of two things could be going on. #1, worst case, he still has feelings for her and wants her back....or #2, his past bruised ego is getting re-injured by seeing her, and he doesn't want her back.

 

I would definitely have a talk with him. Sit him down and tell him what you noticed. Ask him how he feels about her. Ask him to tell you about their breakup again. (It's possible he didn't get any info out of her and she just dumped him. Very hard for guys to recover from, but it's just a bruised ego.)

 

Ask him how he feels about you. Ask him if he could have either one of you, which would he choose?

 

It comes down to the fact that you deserve to be with a guy who wants ONLY you. You don't want to be with a guy who is pining over some ex. You have the right to full information so you can make a decision as to whether or not you want to be in the relationship.

 

After you ask him, watch him closely for his reaction here. It will be telling. (A pause is bad. A instant declaration of love for you is good.) You will know if he's lying. I'm not very good at it myself, but try to let his answer just hang there. Look him in the eyes. He will probably say more at this point because you are quiet.

 

Speaking to him may bring you two closer, and could result in him giving you the reassurance you need. You two should be able to talk about anything. He should care about allaying any fears you have.

 

If he says all is good and he loves you and only you, I would still watch his actions for a while until you feel his actions support his words.

 

Good luck! Keep us posted.

[nicki]

But, next time you are at a party and she is there, just leave. Really, don't put yourself through that crap.

 

If he leaves with you, good. If he lets you leave so he can stay, bad.

 

Just info for the next time, if there is one.

 

Oh, and I would tell him how it made you feel to watch him stare at her.

[bethann]

ok. He will be home from work in an hour. I will just tell him what I saw and how it made me feel. I sure hope it is nothing, and as for them breaking up? He will NEVER talk about her to me.

 

So wish me luck!

[Balthazar]

Are you in trouble?

Most definitely, although it may not be through any fault of your own.

It is clear that your BF still has strong feelings for his ex, and your recent decision to live together makes the situation even more complex.

By moving in with you, he has definitely made a commitment to you and your relationship, but at the same time, it is crystal clear that he has feelings for his ex.

You need to have a very serious heart to heart with him and clear the situation up before it gets worse. If he has such strong feelings for somebody else, I am not sure you should be living with him.

[nicki]

Agree. And he better talk to you about her, after you had to watch him stare at her the whole night. That makes it YOUR business.

 

Seek to understand. Draw him out gently. Tell him that anything he says is okay. You just want to know what you are dealing with, and you deserve the truth. You want to understand.

 

If he won't even talk to you about her, then you have a problem.

[bethann]

He wont talk about her to me at all. He flat out refuses to discuss her with me. Then he went out to the garage. I went on line to check his cell phone history and sure enough, he texed her on Sunday! and while I was picking up, his cellphone rang (sister) then I checked his texes he texed her "are you still mad at me?" (mad at him? for what?) she texed back "I was never mad at you" ????????????? then he texed "you looked so beautiful on saterday" she texes "thank you, you didnt look to bad yourself" , then he asked "So who did you go home with?" she texes back "no one im no pick up, screw you" he texes back "jk, are you dating anyone?" she texes back " kind of" he texes her "who" she texes back "why?" he texes her "just wondering" she texes back "why?" he texes back "just curious you still seeing that bouncer dude?" and she texes back "how did you know?" then he text "the guys a homo" she texes back "thats not nice" he texes "sry," then she text himthat she had to go to work. I confronted him again and he told me that he was not going to talk about her, and that it was not what it seemed. He said he loves me. Now what?

[NuTuDating]

Ditch his cheating ass.

[Legend]

You probably overly fabricated him looking at her in your mind. This is what people do when they don't like another person that their guy/girl likes.

 

It's a party, it was dark, he didn't make out with her, get her #, kiss her etc. grow up.

[sunshinegirl]

Dump him, now! Today! The next time you talk to him!

[nicki]

I agree. He's trying to get her back. Dump him fast!

 

Now, he may try to sweet talk you after he realizes that you are walking. Don't fall for it. He would only continue the same behavior behind your back....and if she ever did want to take him back (or just say so to mess with him), then you would be left, and left quickly.

 

Don't give him that opportunity. Get rid of him. You live with him, right?

 

Then, while he's at work, move your stuff out, or, if it's your place, put all his stuff in the garage and leave the door up (but inside door locked and re-keyed, as you should do with all locks.) Then, dump him.

 

Aw, I'm really sorry for how much this hurts. Big hug to you.

[bethann]

He came home early today. He says he was just shocked to see her. He hadnt seen her since there breakup and it brought back alot of memories, first good and he wanted to talk to her, they texes, then he remembere why they broke up, and first, was ME, she was to independent for him, she was nice they had fun but that it wouldnt work. We had met and he realy liked me. We have alot in common, we like the same things, he realy liked her but they were from 2 different worlds. He says he is sorry and he knows how much this hurts us, he said 'us', he said he doesn know what came over him. Buthe doesnt want to lose me over it. It was so long ago and they were kids. Dec of 06 is not so long ago to me. now what/?

[carhill]

My problem is this, he kept gawking at her most of the night.He was trying to be sneaky about it, but I could tell. They did'nt talk at all, infact they seemed to go out there wayto stay away from each other.

 

Even without the subsequent postings about text messages, this speaks volumes. Hope your name isn't on the deed or lease....

 

IMO, if your relationship was indeed healthy (this is no reflection on you personally), then the above wouldn't have happened. It may sound wrong, but I think now would be a perfect time for a break to assess.

 

I'm a guy, and when guy does that dance (that I quoted) with a woman, there's unfinished business.

[nicki]

Yes, he most definitely has unfinished business with her.

 

I'm curious. Why wouldn't he talk to you about this yesterday when you wanted to talk with him?

 

Why is he trying to keep you around TODAY? (And after his texts with her? He sure seemed to go out of his way to communicate with HER, didn't he?)

 

I wonder if he's willing to talk with you now because after talking/texting with her, he knows he doesn't have a chance in getting her back. He doesn't want to be alone, so he does damage control with you. (I know that hurts, sorry, but what we've got here is an a***hole.)

 

I would have thought that if was trying to save your relationship he would have been talking to you when YOU were upset, and showing YOU how important YOU are to him, but, no, he was stonewalling you and texting her to test the waters....it smells a bit fishy to me.

 

I still bet he would jump at the chance to be with her, but she basically shot him down. Do you want to be second choice? He's a loser playing both sides.

[bethann]

I started moving out on Friday after work. I checked his cellphone usage online again and he has been talking and texing her again. I checked his phone when he got home on thursadayand all the texes were deleted. He neveer deleted them before. Now they were all gone. He called me and asked what was going on, I asked HIM what was going on. I told him i knew he was still in contact with her,even after our talk and that I wont be second fiddle to her. He got mad and says just said fine, go, get out of here then, he is still not home and it is 6"30 in themorning. I checked on line again and he called her AFTER he left the house last nite. the call was like 48 minutes long. I called all of his friends, they dont know where he is, I tried calling her number an she didnt answer. i dont get it, he doesnt see her in over a year, sees her and falls for her again in one night? He tells me that she was to independent, what does that mean? if he didnt like that why is he going after her again? why? what is so great about her?

[nicki]

Hi, Bethann. Big hug to you. You are doing the right thing.

 

Wow, he called her right after he left. That seals the deal. He's more interested in talking to her than convincing you to stay. Good riddance to him, I say, but I know it hurts.

 

I've been through what you are going through. I know it's an ego blow, but all this was going on way before you. It's him. It has nothing to do with how amazing and lovely you are. He is blinded by his past with her, and the fact that things didn't work out.

 

"Independent" means that she didn't need him as much as he wanted her to. It means that he couldn't fully have her when he was with her. It means he pursued her, but never fully got her...and he's still in pursue mode with her, whether or not he knows it. I'll bet that's pretty much the whole attraction.

 

Some men want what they can't have. I predict things won't work out with them if they do end up together. From his point of view, it's the chase and a chance to relieve his hurt ego.

 

My ex carried a torch for his ex for the first two years of our relationship. She didn't want him back, and had dumped him in fact. I found out that he had texted her six months into our relationship that he "missed her." He also didn't tell me about a few emails and phone calls between them.

 

He kept her number in his phone for two years, when he told me earlier he had erased it. When I found the number in his phone, I walked out. He later told me it was more about ego. He simply wanted to know if she ever called him. When I asked him if he could be with either one of us right now, who would he choose, he said that six months earlier he would have "waivered." WTF, we had been in a relationship for two years!

 

I told him what you told your guy. I don't play second fiddle. I was furious at being lied to for so long. If he had told me the truth at the beginning when I asked him about his feelings for her, then I would have been able to make a decision about how invested and involved to be with him.

 

Although it hurts so much, there is some good in all of this. Now, you know what he's like so you can make the right decisions for yourself.

 

It's worse when you don't know. It's worse when you suspect they would run to their ex if they could, but they stay with you because the ex doesn't want them. Of course, you would never know that for sure because he would tell you he loves you, blah, blah, blah....but it eats away at the relationship until there is nothing left.

 

You deserve to be with a man who wants you and only you. And you are on that path by doing what you are doing.

 

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted you to know that I really do understand your feelings. It has nothing to do with his ex. There is no competition there. Don't build her up to be something she isn't. He has completely idealized her without any real sense of who she is. I don't know why some men do that, but I stay far away from the ones who do. They seem to be guys with very weak egos who are bad at intimacy.

 

And you don't want a guy like that anyway. Keep strong. You are doing great! Keep moving yourself forward, away from him.

[stillafool]

I started moving out on Friday after work. I checked his cellphone usage online again and he has been talking and texing her again. I checked his phone when he got home on thursadayand all the texes were deleted. He neveer deleted them before. Now they were all gone. He called me and asked what was going on, I asked HIM what was going on. I told him i knew he was still in contact with her,even after our talk and that I wont be second fiddle to her. He got mad and says just said fine, go, get out of here then, he is still not home and it is 6"30 in themorning. I checked on line again and he called her AFTER he left the house last nite. the call was like 48 minutes long. I called all of his friends, they dont know where he is, I tried calling her number an she didnt answer. i dont get it, he doesnt see her in over a year, sees her and falls for her again in one night? He tells me that she was to independent, what does that mean? if he didnt like that why is he going after her again? why? what is so great about her?

 

Now that you are moving out, do yourself a favor and stop checking up on him and his ex. This will just keep you in pain. You already know he is pursuing her.

[AussieJack]

Now that you are moving out, do yourself a favor and stop checking up on him and his ex. This will just keep you in pain. You already know he is pursuing her.

 

Yep, get out of this NOW. This is a triangle and another example of a guy still being emotionally attached to the " live remains of his previous disaster."

 

Smart people do not get in triangles.

[bethann]

So, I have now moved in with 2 of my girlfriends. He is seeing her now. I dont know if they are dating, BUT what I am hearing is that they have been spending alot of time together. It is killing me. I hate her and always will. She ruined this for me. All because he saw her at a party and now that I have had time to think, he fell head over heels just seeing her! I dont get it, I just dont get it, what was SEEING her such a big deal? It was like everything was going fine, then he saw her and BAM, he fell head over heals AGAIN for her. WHy? What is so great about her? Sure she is very pretty, BUT SO AM I!!!!! I am not some ugly troll. What can I do to get into his heart like she has? She is the only girl in his life that has been in and out of his life for years, he ALWAYS runs back to her, ALWAYS. WHY?????????? He has had other girlfriends, but he never gives them a second chance, why her? Why is she so much more important to him than any other girl? I also found out that if she was dating someone he didnt like, he would bust it up. Its like he cnat stand the thought of her with someone else. Why her?

[PRSun]

Sorry to hear that kiddo. Sounds like it's time to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. It will be a near impossible for you to figure out what makes your now ex-boyfriend be so in love with his ex-girlfriend. The understanding you should reach is he's done this before so it should not be overly shocking that it happened again.

 

All is not lost though. Your best revenge is new sucess and that means going back out and finding someone new, prehaps better model! You said you were attractive so this shouldn't be all to hard. Get some of your girlfriends and go bar hopping or clubbing or whatever inner social gathering you typically do for fun in your area. When your ready of course. Till then sit tight and get yourself together.

[Little Shy]

Hi Bethann,

I remember when you 1st posted about this. I remember thinking how surprising it was how quickly everything went down, the party, the discovered texts, the confrontation, the threat to move out, then you actually did it, you moved out.

To me it was so amazing that even though you were so hurt, you grabbed the bull by the horns & got yourself out, and away from that guy so fast! You acted lightening quick as you should have, but as people seldom do.

I know it is hard to fathom now, but some day you will be very proud for how strong you were, and how quickly & appropriately you acted.

One time I was in a relationship with someone who I very much cared for. Same thing, suspicions started, which lead to mild snooping, which lead to confrontation, then the truth-painful as it was.

I acted very quickly as well. He moved his ex girlfriend right back in.

I had the same thoughts you are having now, it is just self torture to put yourself through that.

I have a very good male friend that cannot for the life of him, seperate himself entirely from an ex girlfriend he had. They have been on & off for YEARS and they had a horrid relationship together! By all of our (his friends) standards. And he is so beautiful & successful with so many, many options available! As we all say of her, "she has just got his number".

Please try to not lose your mind over this. You are strong, you are with your girlfriends now, get yourself healed, then when you are ready, get on out there & find a great guy who will idolize you.

Best of luck to you

[bethann]

First I was annoyed with her at that party, then when I found out he was texin her, calling her etc. I just knew something wasnt right. So I kept snooping, and sure enough, he still after her, I was the one who pushed for us to move in together,not him. I wont do that again. I am still mad. I haven seen them together and have only seen her car at 'our' house twice. That made me sick. Its like I never existd to him and we were together a little over 2 years! A couple times in that time, we had our problems and he ALWAYS ran to her. That should have been my first warning. I also found outeven last summer they hung out quite a bit. I would be working and he would be at the beach and guess who was there? No doubt in her skimpy little bikkinii. I alos found out that she would go tohim when ever she had problems. I am not crying anymore, just very mad. oh, and lets not forget 'their' song! Whos your daddy by Toby Keith! how sick is that? He also used to have that song "lips of angel "on his phone. I thought it was cuz he loved the song and it meant me, when ever it came on the radio, he would crank it up. well Iguess it was for HER. His friends feel bad for me and are all still nice but i can feel a different vibe now. Like it is truly over and I cant belive how well they all know her and it pisses me off because they like her. One of them even said that those two were boud to get back together someday anyways. "it was just a matter of time' was what he said. really? what the hell was I? just something for him to play with untiill she decided she wanted him back and that was that. ANd yea, she wanted him back, all she had to do was LOOK at him at a party and he KNEW it and wam, hes gone. right back to her. I am not ready to date yet I know I should get out more, i am trying but its hard to act like i dont care when it hurts so much. But i wont let him ever see me cry or anyting. I know he will be at a going away party tonight, i am going to be their to and I am nervous. Idont know how i will handle it if she is there. I will do what she did, just ignore him and dance and try to have fun maybe then he will miss ME and want to come back. I know, its stupid but i would take him back. My head says run, he loves her. my heart wants him to lvoe me, even if just for one more nite. God i hate this. I even thought if she wasnt there i would pick him up to piss her off. I have all theses little stories in my mind what i could do, should do what ever. I dont know, this sucks. You know what? I am NOT going to that party. I am going to call my mom and go to her house and eat what ever the hell she has in the fridge and just not be there at all. Then maybe he will wonder where I am at, who I am with etc. He sure was always wondering about her all the time. At least at my moms me and my sister can vent without looking like morons.