Jess-Belle Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 From what I've seen, it seems like the vast majority of betrayals occur some time after marriage. I'm an exception, as I'm not married to my bf, at least not yet, though we do plan on it. So my theme here is... do you believe the "timing" of an A has any sort of effect? Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? Would you have been inclined to walk away and not have gotten married at all if it occurred before the marriage? Thoughts?
twice_shy Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 From what I've seen, it seems like the vast majority of betrayals occur some time after marriage. I'm an exception, as I'm not married to my bf, at least not yet, though we do plan on it. So my theme here is... do you believe the "timing" of an A has any sort of effect? Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? Would you have been inclined to walk away and not have gotten married at all if it occurred before the marriage? Thoughts? I believe alot of it happens after marriage because the couple has been together for a long time, kids come into the picture, everyday life starts to get boring. Some people just can't handle married/family life. Some people get tired of having sex with the same person every time. And its after a long time of living the family life where one, or sometimes both of spouses just simply want to know if they are desirable to other people. To which I have to say, grow up. People like that have no business being married.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Well, my exH never betrayed me so to speak but he did ask for an open marriage. I see now in hindsight that the timing of it makes sense. His best friend was killed, and something triggered inside of exH to see what else was out there I guess - the whole "life is too short" thing. He had his class reunion coming up too, and had gotten in contact with a lot of people, in particularly this one girl who he was madly in love with in school but never actually got to date her - the 'one who got away'. Well, I guess he decided that he wanted to finish some unfinished emotional business and after the reunion told me that he wanted to explore his feelings for her, but did not want to divorce. I agreed. Being a big old cake eater myself, it was a bit like "oh, no don't throw me in the briar patch!". It didn't work out with the girl, but he did end up dating a couple of others. I did too, and my relationship went further than his had and we decided to separate some time later. Now, though three years later we are closer than ever. Much more intimate, loving and caring for each other. Probably more so than when we were married. Something about that experience washed away the bullsh*t of "playing married" and now we know the true meaning of it particularly since we are fighting this cancer together. I would say this - we have a daughter. I'm not sure if we would be as close if we did not have this family bond. We may well have simply gone our separate ways if we married at all, in fact. That family bond was the condition under which we got married, and the reason we are still together as a family now, even though we are separate as husband and wife. Though here lately you wouldn't know that ... Eh, ebb and flow. We'll always be together in some way or other, that's for sure. Reconciliation? Not sure. It doesn't really matter at this point. We just take it day by day. I think that being a family instead of just H and W does make reconciliation more likely than not. I guess it depends on what bonded the couple together in the first place, and how long they have had to live and grow together, and what they stand to lose if they walk away.
angie2443 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 From what I've seen, it seems like the vast majority of betrayals occur some time after marriage. I'm an exception, as I'm not married to my bf, at least not yet, though we do plan on it. So my theme here is... do you believe the "timing" of an A has any sort of effect? Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? Would you have been inclined to walk away and not have gotten married at all if it occurred before the marriage? Thoughts? Interesting question to me. Yes I do believe the timing of an affair has an impact. My experience might be differant than most other's because, it was an EA my husband had that had started before I came into the picture. I just had no idea, in the first few months, that the "friendship" he had with his female bf was more than a friendship. Anyways, if I had known the true nature of the friendship, I would have quietly walked away. If I had understood what was going on with them before bieng pregnant, I would have broken up with him. Once I had kids, and had developed a history with my husband, the value of the marriage increased tremendously. This is why I fought so hard for it. My husband fought hard for it to and were doing pretty good now. I never think "If only I had understood about there friendship earliar" becuase then I wouldn't have my three kids, whom both me and my husband love more than the world. Now, I',m usually the one to reccomend that if a spouse cheats, then leave them. However, I don't know how I would act if my husband cheated now. I know what it is like to grow up in a broken home. I know what it's like to spend holiday's without one parent. It hurts. If my husband cheated now, my whole world would be torn apart, and even though I might logically think that it's best to divorce and be done with him, I might try to reconcile with him, because the thought of loosing my family would be to painful for me to bare.
Planofool Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? 27 years, 3 kids......hell yes it makes a difference. When you consider the financial nightmare of this much time amassing things together it really makes you look at it differently. All that goes with having kids and what that would do to their lives......If it was just the two of us......I would probably have walked months ago. I can tell you that if something else shows it's ugly head, ie: contact with the OM I may throw all this line of thinking out the window along with her.
jj2007 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 From what I've seen, it seems like the vast majority of betrayals occur some time after marriage. I'm an exception, as I'm not married to my bf, at least not yet, though we do plan on it. So my theme here is... do you believe the "timing" of an A has any sort of effect? Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? Would you have been inclined to walk away and not have gotten married at all if it occurred before the marriage? Thoughts? When I found out I told my H to get out. I told him that if he wanted to be with his OW go. It didn't matter to me how long we had been together or that I would be taking full responsiblity for my two step-children. The first thing that ran through my mind was I will not be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I will not allow the children in this home to have to worry about how Dad is going to act when he comes through the door. If he had cheated on me before we got married, I would have cut my losses and cut him out of my life. My H came crawling back, begging for me to forgive him. It has been a long hard road but I had to see that he was willing to put forth the effort to make our Marriage work and that he wanted to be there working on it, with me and not running to someone else when the going gets tough. He also had to agree to a drug treatment program. It is coming up on a year since I found out about the A and I feel like we are on the right path and we have been more open about how we feel and we have learned how to communicate with each other better. I feel like if we keep on this path, we will have a much stronger, happier relationship.
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 All great answers, thank you! Here is my perspective/situation: As I have mentioned on other threads, my relationship situation was a little weird. My now bf was the OM, I had all these intimacy issues, butter from an old relationship etc. There was actually a point where I was running around reiterating to people that he was NOT my bf because it angered me so much and threw me into such a state of panic and terror to even think about commitment, let alone have people assume we were together (ugh, can I go back and kick myself repeatedly, please?). All of the crap we did to each other took place during this bizarre time. In retrospect (and compared to how 180 degrees different things are now), I would almost be tempted to say we weren't really in a real relationship together. Even though everything was so screwed up though, we just couldn't let go of each other. *sigh* Everything came to light about a week and a half after I mustered up the courage to go to him and explained my desire to truly commit to a relationship with him and make something of our future. All As and nonsense had been over and done with at least a month before this. So ever since then we have been slowly rebuilding. I went into IC, we went into couple's therapy, and have so far both learned a wealth of information that, at least speaking for myself, I never knew about relationships or men or communicating. Our love for each other grows each day, things slowly improve each day. From my pre-marriage perspective, I honestly feel that I would prefer to have gone through this now than later. I try to think of a way to explain why but I can't. Maybe I don't even understand it myself yet. All I know is that I have this indescribable need to have a happy, healthy marriage untouched by something like this. When I read stories about people going through infidelity after 20 years of marriage and kids, I feel like that is the worst thing that I imagine could happen to me From where I am standing, I feel like I still have marriage and childbearing ahead of me to eclipse this bad dream. I guess it's hard for me to see it any other way. I suppose in a strange way I am saying I am confident this will not happen to us again. That we learned what we needed to learn before getting into a marriage, and now we can go on with our lives all the smarter. Does this make sense to anyone? Thoughts? Do you think I am being naive?
nadiaj2727 Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Does this make sense to anyone? Thoughts? Do you think I am being naive? It makes sense to me, as I am also young and was involved in an affair (cheated on my ex-fiance, with someone who was married) at a relatively young age (26). In am not proud of my actions and they caused me and others a lot of pain... but I am proud that I learned from them and that I will never, ever cheat or help someone cheat again. So I understand what you're saying, that I would rather have these hard learning experiences now and realize what true love and commitment really is (even through the really really hard way) than learn it down the road when it's been years and years and years.
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 It makes sense to me, as I am also young and was involved in an affair (cheated on my ex-fiance, with someone who was married) at a relatively young age (26). In am not proud of my actions and they caused me and others a lot of pain... but I am proud that I learned from them and that I will never, ever cheat or help someone cheat again. So I understand what you're saying, that I would rather have these hard learning experiences now and realize what true love and commitment really is (even through the really really hard way) than learn it down the road when it's been years and years and years. Thank you, it a relief to know someone understands!
Love is Tragic Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 From what I've seen, it seems like the vast majority of betrayals occur some time after marriage. I'm an exception, as I'm not married to my bf, at least not yet, though we do plan on it. So my theme here is... do you believe the "timing" of an A has any sort of effect? Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? Would you have been inclined to walk away and not have gotten married at all if it occurred before the marriage? Thoughts? Hmmm.. good questions.. I am married(separated now though), and have betrayed, and been betrayed, both before and after our kid was in the picture. Looking back, i remember being completely devastated about finding out about his betrayal-shocked and shattered beyond belief. I foolishly gave him more chances than i can count to change his actions then. I should have gotten out then. I think the majority of people on LS would agree that uncovering betrayal AFTER kids are in the picture only complicates it a hundred fold. The pain i have felt is equally devastating each time, and more so when you start to feel like youre losing self-respect, and only staying in the same situation because its easier. Its so complicated to split when kids, mortgages, random bills are involved.
Author Jess-Belle Posted March 12, 2008 Author Posted March 12, 2008 Hmmm.. good questions.. I am married(separated now though), and have betrayed, and been betrayed, both before and after our kid was in the picture. Looking back, i remember being completely devastated about finding out about his betrayal-shocked and shattered beyond belief. I foolishly gave him more chances than i can count to change his actions then. I should have gotten out then. I think the majority of people on LS would agree that uncovering betrayal AFTER kids are in the picture only complicates it a hundred fold. The pain i have felt is equally devastating each time, and more so when you start to feel like youre losing self-respect, and only staying in the same situation because its easier. Its so complicated to split when kids, mortgages, random bills are involved. I can see what you mean. I think the effect it would have on me would be to make me feel trapped. Because of my fears of commitment and intimacy, my mind is geared to want to enter risk-free situations, which is why I avoided getting close to anyone for too long and destroyed all of my relationships. So to have committed, and spent so many years of my life with someone, and having had children with someone, and then have that happen? It would be my worst nightmare come to life.
SueBee3490 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 From what I've seen, it seems like the vast majority of betrayals occur some time after marriage. I'm an exception, as I'm not married to my bf, at least not yet, though we do plan on it. So my theme here is... do you believe the "timing" of an A has any sort of effect? Do you think something like this happening after having been married for a very long time/having children is more devastating than had it happened earlier on, or affects chances of reconciliation at all? Do you ever find yourself thinking 'if this had only happened years ago/before children/etc.' or do you feel that a great length of time together and/or children together forges a powerful bond that in fact makes reconciliation far more likely? Would you have been inclined to walk away and not have gotten married at all if it occurred before the marriage? Thoughts? My bf cheated on me for 2 1/2 yrs and it devastated me. I just wish he would have let me in on his little "secret" before marrying me so i could make the decision to not marry him. You questioning whether many more married people have affairs because the marriage gets stale, there's children to consider now if you break up, there's bills, mortgage, etc. I think, even though my situation broke my heart to pieces, if I had all the things invested in the relationship that long marriages do, I would be even more devastated. I don't know how people who have long histories together stay together after finding out their spouse cheated. In my case, we were still relatively new to our relationship, so he should not have been bored! I was happy and he lead me to believe he was too. Not only the cheater but quite the actor and liar!
angie2443 Posted March 12, 2008 Posted March 12, 2008 I can see what you mean. I think the effect it would have on me would be to make me feel trapped. Because of my fears of commitment and intimacy, my mind is geared to want to enter risk-free situations, which is why I avoided getting close to anyone for too long and destroyed all of my relationships. So to have committed, and spent so many years of my life with someone, and having had children with someone, and then have that happen? It would be my worst nightmare come to life. I understand your fears. I saw the family that I was born into die slowly because of my father's cheating. I don't think there is any such thing as a "risk free" situation when it comes to marriage, however, there are things you can do to make the chance of an affair happening, less. First, you can learn to argue and listen effectively. Learn to compromise. In short, learn how to make a relationship work. Second, pick the right guy (you might already have, I don't know anything about your guy). Pick someone who respects others, who doesn't run from problems, and who is willing to make commitments. Pick someone, who, even if they don't understand your pov, is willing to compromise with you. Pick someone who doesn't have loose bounderies. I bolded "pick the right guy" because this isn't something I thought of to deeply when I became married. I've learned from my experience and others though. Some people are just more likely to cheat. People with a lack of bounderies, people who feel "entitled" to more than others, and people who lack respect for others are, imo, more likely to cheat. Nothing is gaurentied, but if you enter into a relationship with a mature frame of mind, and so does your partner, then you'll have a better chance of success. Good luck.
Recommended Posts